Do you reap what you sow?

[Snog]

FIL is nearly 80 and lives independently across town from us. MIL died 10 months ago.

In laws have not been helpful or supportive whilst our dd was growing up. Neither was a good parent to DH either in my opinion. FIL is generally quite affable although also quite racist.

Neither DH nor I are offering any help to FIL and don't visit him regularly. We don't have much capacity to help him anyway as I have a chronic illness and DP works long hours. I feel like I should be helping and/or visiting FIL although he hasn't asked for any help.
But I also feel like he doesn't deserve our help due to his treatment of our family thus far. Can anyone relate?

[NintendoSwitch]

I totally relate! I won't be doing a single thing for my parents in old age due to their emotional and physical abuse to me when I was growing up, favouring my sister, and trying to continue that abuse of me into adulthood.

My sister can do all the care and if she doesn't they can rot in a shitty care home!

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

I think what you say is fair comment. Always easier to help people who have put the effort in. Haven't actually got to that situation, as inlaws no longer alive, but would have found it very hard to help fil, who was a crap father and an awful human.

[HoleyCoMoley]

If you don't want to help then don't, you don't have to. What about your dd, does she want contact with him.

[Aprilshowersinaugust]

My dps were both rubbish.
I would never offer help and they def wouldn't expect any.
I have lots of dc and try to be a good dm but most certainly don't expect them to assist me in my dotage.

[ThinkOfAWittyNameLater]

Hmm I'm torn on this one.

I completely understand why a person wouldn't help a parent that had abused them (any kind).

On the other hand my cousin (an only child) completely abandoned her mother in a care home "to rot". Never even bothered calling to find out how she was. No card at Christmas or birthdays. Nothing. I won't ever forgive her for it. Get to the funeral and it's all "so hard seeing Mum like that". How the hell would cousin know?

I remind myself that said cousin has set the bar really low for when her own daughter (also an only child) has grown up and cousin needs support in her old age.

So I'm torn.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

My parents can whistle for help in their old age, although I know they will expect it from me.

They have never missed an opportunity to let me down of belittle me. Of all their children only I was sent away to boarding school. I have had several long hospital stays for serious illness in the past few years and they didn't visit or call to see how I was. My child died and they didn't come to the hospital (although they really could have) because they "had a business to run". My sisters have had time, attention and cash lavished on them all their lives, but there is no expectation that they will do anything (and they don't, except to moan about what a terrible time they've had).


On the other had, Mr Dribble has a relative who we do everything possible for. He has Alzheimer's so we can't manage to care for him at home but we visit regularly, make sure he has everything he needs and our children know him well (seeing them helps him, so we try to visit often). This relative has no children of his own, but he has always given us time and support whenever we needed it, without thinking of himself or asking for anything in return. He lives in a care home now, but is still visited by lots of people who have been helped and supported by him over the years and he is not at all lonely. He is very fortunate of course to live in a place with a close-knit and supportive community, but he is also reaping the rewards of the strong relationships he has forged.


Broadly speaking I hate the idea of the elderly being abandoned, but for me to care for my elderly parents would feel like one more humiliation than I could cope with.

[Snog]

@HoleyCoMoley m
My dd has no bond with her grandad as he has only ever treated her as a mild annoyance.

It's good to hear from folk who can relate. One of DH's sisters has asked us to do stuff for FIL and I know she would like us to do more. She suggested that we clean FILs house for him - however FIL health and fitness is significantly better than mine (he is certainly physically able to clean his own house but MIL had always done the cleaning). I suggested that he get a cleaner which he did and which works well. This sister lives over an hour away and does visit more than we do and does also offer a certain amount of practical help. She doesn't have a family of her own, has school holidays off, and sometimes is in our town for work, also FIL has always treated her much better than he has DH.

I bat back her requests for us to do his garden etc and suggest he uses paid help( which he can afford). If FIL had been a good parent or grandparent I would be visiting him more often but it is hard to say this to SIL. I also think it is hard for SIL to feel that her other two siblings are not helping much or sharing the responsibility.

I have a lot of feelings of guilt about not supporting FIL more even though he hasn't actually asked us for any support.

[Snog]

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet I'm shocked by your parents' behaviour, unbelievable. You have obviously been through a lot in your life, and I'm not sure if things get any worse than to lose a child.
It's so so tough to grow up with abusive or unsupportive parents.

Good to hear your story of the guy that helped other people being cherished in return.

[Takfujimoto]

I moved far far away when I got the chance and I don't plan on going back for longer than a weekend in the future.

Boundaries are good, necessary some might say.

YANBU

[Gettingbackonmyfeet]

I agree with you OP

I would ensure the basics in that if they needed care I would pay for it etc but anything else no

They didn't come to the hospital when I was in ICU and dc2 was in nicu and barely contacted Exdh

They didn't do anything when I recently had a minor stroke

My sister is and has been awful to me and loves to play the martyr heavily and is massively massively the golden child

Decades of putting me down laughing at me and actively humiliating me , they can now reap what they sowed

I have no intention of visiting , my sister wanted to be in control she's very welcome to be (she's unutterably selfish so the reality of care will quickly take the shine off for her.....she wants to swan about being important she doesn't actually want to do anything practical)

When people say " you only have one mum and dad " my response is " yes and they only had one me....they chose to burn that relationship"

I don't wish them ill and like I say I'll ensure they are safe and provided for to a basic level...everything else is not my problem anymore

[Aprilshowersinaugust]

Op I suggest you sil wants you to do more to relieve her guilt that she doesn't do enough. Not your df imo not your duty.

[Snog]

@Gettingbackonmyfeet that is beyond awful, definitely a good idea to leave your sister to deal with your parents, as you say she is unlikely to make much of a job of it - natural justice

[Snog]

@Aprilshowersinaugust that's very insightful, SIL does feel guilty and would like DH and I to assuage some of her guilt. That makes it easier for me to feel that it's not my guilt to take on, thank you.

[MinaPaws]

My parents barely helped at all when my DC were tiny and one was seriously ill. DH and I existed on between 1-3 hours sleep a night for almost a year and had broken nights (average five-eight times a night) for the next six years. I was on my knees, hallucinating with sleep deprivation and had really serious untreated PND - again as a result of sleep deprivation.

They did nothing. Now they're old they expect me to drop everything and do a four hour round trip to pick up milk for them as they can't walk very well. They use their neighbours who are saints towards them (and think we are the evil neglectful children) but bitch and laugh about those same neighbours mercilessly behind their backs, and begrudge them even having a glass of wine. I loathe my father most of the time and a mean part of me takes pleasure in retaliating for their gross neglect, knowing that he really wishes I was his handservant (he said as much. He said what;s the pont of having children if they don;t serve you in your old age?) They weren't great when we were growing up either.

But I do help them. I take DF to hospital, I visit once a fortnight (four hour round trip) When I visit I shop and cook for them and do their laundry and take them on walks and do their banking for them and help them with forms and bills. I do it partly because he is my dad so I feel a bit of a duty, but mainly because I want DC to see me being kind, as I've bust a gut to be a loving attentive mother to them - the parent I wished I'd had, and it would be odd if I was so nice to them but left D-elderlies to rot. If ever I can't be arsed or I'm in danger of telling him what I really think about him, I think of my own DC and that makes me feel calm and kindly again. I do resent them though. They sit on a fortune of savings, knowing DSis is struggling, and are tight as anything with their cleaner and their unpaid carer-neighbours. My mum once gave the neighbour 25p for doing her shopping. They were always mean. We never had new clothes or pocket money. I used to think they were poor but they always had enough for what my dad needed.

[babyface]

Wondering the same thing here. Dps came to live with my family a few years ago due to dfs mental health and dms mobility. It was awful. We thought dad's issues had led to the problems that they had at home but mum is just vicious.. under a veneer of sweetness. Even now when she is in a care home not a one of her church friends visit even though they pass the door. I dreamt last night that I didn't go to her funeral. What a relief to actually admit all that!!

[SharpLily]

I think you reap what you sow is entirely accurate. There's a lot of stuff in the news in the UK every winter about lonely old people and how we all need to look out for them more - but in my experience those who have made themselves lovable are being loved and cared for. The ones I see who are lonely and sad are mostly that way because people don't want to be around them. I realise we shouldn't do things to help other people in the expectation of something in return but I can cheerfully say I'll happily leave my awful father to rot and he's brought it upon himself. I'd like to say the same for my dreadful mother-in-law but my husband has a very dutiful streak and I don't think he'll allow it.

[WhipItGood]

Yes this thread does chime with me. I’m in my 50’s an only child with elderly parents who both need quite a bit of help these days in many areas of life. And with no siblings, there really isnt anyone else.

There are many occasions from the past where I feel they weren’t there for me, but now they’re needing help it’s me (and lovely Dh) who they turn to.

As a child I grew up in a house where my father would employ silent treatment for days on end if there had been a disagreement of any kind. I was terrified during those times when he would simply not speak but look furious.

As a teenager neither of them were interested in how or where I could go to college or what I did. Just no support, or help or input. My father barely spoke to me for a whole year when I wanted to go to art college. It was intolerable at home. With three teens of my own now I’m reminded daily of how little my own parents did and how much more interest they could have shown for one child.

Same when all mine were aged three and under and Dh and I were imploding with exhaustion and worry financially. My mother was big on on talking about how wonderful the grand children all were, but actual hands on help, maybe have them to stay, to give us a rare night off? No. They were not terribly old or unable either.

I do help them now quite a bit, but I hate how for me it feels like it’s done out of duty much of the time. Every time I’m boiling inside about memories of when I needed more support from them. They have huge difficulties in many areas of life now especially with mobility and understanding the mechanics of modern life.

They really wouldn’t understand my feelings though. They’d be angry and deny it all. They’ve always been completely self absorbed and brush over their own past behaviour. I think they just don’t remember or care to acknowledge how they’ve always been or that they might have been at fault.

They are very grateful now when we help them. I really, truly don’t want gratitude. I just wish they’d been different so that what I do now was done for nicer reasons.

[SpikyCactus]

YANBU. I have no intention of ever looking after my MIL after the way she’s treated me. I fully intend to care for my own (kind and generous) parents. My DM comes to give me a break from DC every day whereas MIL only visits once every couple of months (too busy committing adultery with other people’s husbands). I can already foresee the arguments with DH when I care for my parents but not his.

[MaybeDoctor]

My surviving parent once wrote me a letter telling me that they never wanted to hear from me again.

We do still speak and see each other occasionally, but I do rather feel that I am off the hook!

[AngkorWaat]

This is a timely thread for me, I’ve just spent the entire day in hospital with my dad as we suspected he had a stroke. He spent my childhood drinking and being violent towards my mum (who finally left him a few years ago), and basically ignored me my entire life.

Turns out he hasn’t had a stroke, it’s just old age and a life of heavy drinking. He’s refused all help today from social services so he’s back at home which is 45 mins away from me. I just don’t know what to do as he hasn’t got anyone apart from me and my sister.

[cptartapp]

Many many elderly people can well afford to buy in care and pay for cleaners, taxis, carers, home helps etc etc but choose not to and selfishly guilt trip family instead with unrealistic expectations. I will never understand this, isn't it what 'they work all their lives for?' To ensure comfort in their elder years.
The state has the duty of care, not family. And if people have capacity to make poor decisions and refuse help, even from stretched social services, they should live with the consequences.

[Aprilshowersnowastorm]

Last I heard my dm worked in a care home.
Fingers crossed she has a place reserved for herself - she has a funeral plan paid for she once told me before we were nc.
I feel no duty at all to her.

[Ophelialovescats]

Reassuring to read this thread. My Mum fed and clothed me but took absolutely no interset in me as a person and now expects me to visit her onece a month (I live in England, she is in Ireland) and help with her care. I do visit (every half term and holiday as I have two children still living at homeand need to be around while they are at school) But, I resent it deeply.
I have three siblings living in Ireland and they expect mre to share the care equally too.....it is a nightmare!

[greendale17]

YANBU OP- I would want nothing to do with him either.