Making mum friends at secondary school?

[mumtoboyscanterbury]

I work at my son’s school and have kept to myself with the other parents as it was not inappropriate to become proper friends with them (plus we haven’t been here long then covid hit) but he is going to be moving on to a big state grammar school (hopefully) where I won’t really know any other parents. I am really keen to make friends as I still don’t know anyone where we live and I’m a very social, open person. However, I don’t think this really happens at secondary school in the way it does at primary, does it? Did you make friends at your child’s secondary school? He’ll be getting there on his own so I can’t hang around the school gates!

[TeenMinusTests]

If the school has an active PTA then that might be a good way in.
Just by turning up to serve coffee at plays or whatever (when allowed again) you get to meet other parents (also helping) and to chat.

Otherwise it's pretty difficult I think, secondary is nothing like primary wrt parental contact.

[converseandjeans]

I don't think parents make friends through secondary school. Maybe on PTA?

Probably best bet is through something like sport or music? Kids make their own friends at that age tbh. I'm sure he'll settle in.

[Gardenvisits]

Admittedly it might be different in non covid times but my dd has made lots of new friends at secondary school and I’d only recognise one of their parents.
I can’t think that my mum had much to do with any of my friends’ mums at secondary school either. Sorry!
You’d have more luck joining a running club or something

[Zodlebud]

I have only met other parents through standing at the side of the hockey pitch on Saturdays. Even then I wouldn’t say we are friends.

Secondary school is totally different and that last thing your DC will want is you embarrassing them at school. This includes even vaguely being in their presence 😂😂

[RedskyBynight]

You don't make friends with other parents at secondary school. I wouldn't recognise most of DC's friends' parents if I met them in the street. And there isn't a PTA (I didn't even realise that secondary schools had PTAs until this thread).

Best bet is to look to get to know others who have shared interests with you, rather than just happening to have a child of the same age.

[notacooldad]

The only parents I knew from son's secondary school are the ones who I already knew from primary. Admittedly it's been 9 years since my lad left education but I go to his old high school several times a week with work ( pre covid)and not much has changed. The only parents around are dropping off in a car and then drive away without getting out.

[goldielockdown2]

I have no idea who any of the secondary school parents are.
Could you be friendlier to the other parents you've come to know through the primary school? Now he's going off to secondary it will no longer be 'inappropriate' (not sure it ever was tbh)

[Timbucktime]

I’ve managed a brief chat with a few of my child’s friends mums over the last few years but that’s about it.
You don’t tend to see any other parents other than dropping your child off at a friends house or at parents evening. And then it’s only a fleeting moment.

Don’t know of any PTA’s in secondary schools.

[AlexaShutUp]

Sorry, but I agree with the other posters. It's quite hard to make friends with mums at secondary school, as you don't really get to see them. I do chat to some of dd's friends' parents when I see them, but there are others who I have never even met!

[TeenMinusTests]

Our PTA doesn't do a great amount it:

• does refreshments at parents evenings, concerts, etc
• runs a lottery
• holds an annual quiz night

[WildCherryBlossom]

Some of the mother's have been fairly proactive. Offering a glass or two of wine at their house when we drop DC off for sleepovers or whatever so I have got to know my DCs closest friendship group of parents. Then there are the chit-chat casual acquaintance type parents who you stand next to at sports matches, occasionally this has progressed to sharing lifts to far flung pitches. Others I would not recognise if I tripped over on the street.

[Labobo]

At DC's secondary school there was a talk in Yr 7 on how to ensure your child settles in properly and they said: meet the parents of their friends. So if he seems to like someone, invite that family over for a BBQ or lunch. Or invite them for coffee at a drop off. Etc. It also means you get to know the adults they might be spending time with at sleepovers or parties.

Tbh, I never really made friends with any of the parents of DCs friends though there are a few I really like and would happily hang out with, we just don't live near each other or have much in common.

[wobbegong]

No hope.
I was new to the area and (pre-covid) made a few tentative attempts to invite parents in for a drink when they dropped at a Y7 birthday party or to chat to people in the queue for parents evening.
Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Would have had a better track record trying to make friends with random people walking past my house.

[mumtoboyscanterbury]

Looks like I’ll carry on being a Norma No Mates then! 😄

I have a great bunch of friends in my old town but haven’t been able to see them properly since Covid. This too shall pass!

@goldielockdown2 definitely inappropriate - I’m senior management constantly dealing with complaints/concerns from parents - I can’t speak freely or have a few drinks one night then the next day they appear in my office and I have to be back to being professional. All of the SMT at our school keep a distance from parents. However, you’re right that when all our kids have left the school I could reach out if I wanted to.

[RedskyBynight]

@Labobo

At DC's secondary school there was a talk in Yr 7 on how to ensure your child settles in properly and they said: meet the parents of their friends. So if he seems to like someone, invite that family over for a BBQ or lunch. Or invite them for coffee at a drop off. Etc. It also means you get to know the adults they might be spending time with at sleepovers or parties.

Tbh, I never really made friends with any of the parents of DCs friends though there are a few I really like and would happily hang out with, we just don't live near each other or have much in common.

That's acceptable in Year 7 (just about). After Year 7, there is no way on earth that your child wants their parents (or their friends' parents) about. And DS has an entirely different friendship group from the ones he had in Year 7 anyway.

[PresentingPercy]

You could have made friends at primary school. Everyone I know who works in a primary school does.

[mumtoboyscanterbury]

I disagree @PresentingPercy - this is an independent school if it makes a difference. Don’t get me wrong, I have been very friendly, been for coffee mornings, chatted to lots of mums on the side lines etc but it can’t and shouldn’t go much deeper than that. To be fair there’s also been a pandemic for most of my time there which hadn’t helped!

[BlueJag]

I'm friends with our son's friends parents. He has had sleepovers and I won't let him go until I've have felt comfortable with the parents. Lovely bunch of people and we don't worry about the boy's because any problems we chat about it. They are all 15 now.

[Firstinlastout]

Does your son play any sports at the weekend outside of school?My son plays football and there's usually always some parents that you can strike up a conversation with while watching training or matches.Sometimes they appreciate help ,ie taking subs or serving hot drinks at the clubhouse.

[mumtoboyscanterbury]

@BlueJag that is refreshing to hear! 😄

@Firstinlastout yes he is a sports club which definitely has potential once it can start up again.


Thanks all. I’m actually not as desperate for friends as I sound, haha, I’m quite happy with my work colleagues and family. I’m just thinking of brighter post covid days and would like a few more people to grab a glass of wine with!

[Muskox]

I have DCs in year 10 and year 8. I am fairly friendly with the mums of their close friends. When I've dropped the DC off at their friends' houses I've sometimes gone in for a cup of tea, or if they're dropping off here I invite them in (but I also add "or do you have to rush off?" so they don't feel they have to). One of them has become more than that, and we've met up just the two of us (ie DC not involved) a few times to go for a coffee / dog walk. Also sports friends as others have mentioned - my DC play football, netball and cricket so DH and I spend a lot of time on the side of a pitch / court and chat to the other parents.

The PTA or standing as a parent governor are other great ideas.

[PresentingPercy]

My DC went to independent schools. You separate work from friendships. You are not forbidden to have friends. Your choice and I’m afraid you are wrong. You need to separate out your job from friendships. Real friends are not going to quiz you about school all the time. That’s just utterly shallow. You should have given it a go. Perhaps you now seem stand-offish?

If there is a friends of x school, you get to speak to parents. Ditto if the school puts on events for parents. Mostly they hunt in packs. They know each other before secondary and are not looking for friends. It’s late in the day for that.

[Crappyfridays7]

They don’t have to be mum friends though. When my exp and I split I was very lonely and had a bit more time on my hands so joined meet up and another group. Met a few fab people and now have a lovely circle of friends. The mum friends I have are from nursery/primary school I don’t know any parents from high school except my sons girlfriends parents. You can join pta or whatever groups they have though if you want to be more involved but not to say you will meet people you’ll become friends with.

Covid is impacting all these things, so must be hard being new and not knowing people very isolating. My ex was from this area so had his circle of friends but excluded me although no doubt they’d have just blanked me once we split anyway 😂 bunch of weirdos

[Oblomov21]

Never made any friends in secondary. Had pleasantries with 4 or 5, but that's it.

[mumtoboyscanterbury]

@PresentingPercy we will have to agree to disagree! I have taught in 5 independent prep schools and been part of the senior management team in two and in every single one the staff were discouraged from becoming friends with the parents. There are a multitude of reasons why. I’m afraid having had children go to an independent school doesn’t mean you’re an expert on whether staff should be friends with parents. It’s not about them grilling you about the school.