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Would you choose a donor without seeing his/her picture?

(32 Posts)
CarrieMyBag Thu 02-Mar-17 12:02:37

Hi all, we are in the middle of selecting donors. It feels like such a daunting process and so many options, all feel like a guess. We contacted a clinic in the UK but they don't provide donor pictures unlike US based such as Xytex. I tell myself it does not matter as long as the personal profile matches what we're looking for, but does it? My friend who herself is an egg donor said that she likes to get a 'feel' of what the person is like from the picture. Does he/she look like a warm or cold person, things like that.

For those of you who have been through this journey, did you insist on using donors who have pictures? What other characteristics do you seek? I can only think of open-id, education, race to match DH. That's about it. It is the most important decision of our lives but it makes us so uneasy with so little control. It's like choose and hope for the best scenario. Thanks in advance for any input you have smile

Snowdog37 Thu 02-Mar-17 17:48:34

We are using an anonymous egg donor matched only by blood type and hair/eye color. I'm not too bothered by looks as we saw the waiting room with a few donors in at our clinic and they were all young and healthy so that's all that counts imo.

CarrieMyBag Fri 03-Mar-17 04:09:50

Thanks Snowdog37, and best of luck.

TheDowagerCuntess Fri 03-Mar-17 04:24:44

I don't have any direct experience, but one of my oldest friends has two DC by (the same) donor.

I'm not sure if she's ever seen a picture of him, though she does have plenty of other details.

I agree with snowdog that a healthy donor is the important thing.

Her DC are both the spit of her/her family, which is quite incredible, I think.

Sugarlumps333 Fri 03-Mar-17 04:28:53

thedowagercuntess really?! I ask this genuinely because I have some health issues which mean i may need to use a surrogate and i have always wondered this - does the person who grows the baby (im sure there is a better phrase for this but anyway) influences things way more than science says they do. Carrymybag my friend did this in the US and wouldn't have done it without picture - not sure how I would feel but congratulations - whatever you choose I am sure it will all work out perfectly flowers

Fighterofthenightman Fri 03-Mar-17 04:33:08

I think dowager means the DC are her friends biological children using donor sperm.

CarrieMyBag Fri 03-Mar-17 06:17:02

Thank you Sugarlumps333. We were considering using xytex and for a fee they would give you pictures. However, I read some news about xytex donor who turned out to be a schizophrenic and they only found his problem by chance after he fathered 26 kids. He obviously lied in his profile as well.
Stories like this make me so wary about choosing donors. We do hope for the best and will go ahead.

TheDowagerCuntess Fri 03-Mar-17 07:09:08

Yes, Fighter is right, the DC are biologically/genetically half my friend's.

Sugarlumps333 Fri 03-Mar-17 07:09:56

carriemybag sorry my earlier post was a bit confused - am a bit all over the place at moment with my own situ aaaaargh! I will ask my friend for more info - but she did say that it is a bit like the wild west out there, i think like everything in America you have to play the game and really dig deep - everything sounds great until it isn't and the entire health umbrella - including elective - is anything goes. So yes as I just said in the longest way possible, if you get it right out there will have more options but I personally would find it easier / would be more trusting in the UK. X

CarrieMyBag Fri 03-Mar-17 07:52:07

Sugarlumps333 flowers smile

I completely agree about America being the wild west. It is scary how the companies there could make everything look so good until it's not, like you said. We are considering the UK option as well, might even go with it even though we can't see pictures. Thanks again.

Snowdog37 Fri 03-Mar-17 08:03:32

I'm in the USA and donor eggs, well the fertility business in general, is ridiculously expensive. Here, you can get loads of info on a donor but their eggs will cost upwards of $10,000 or more and then you have to factor in the cost of the ivf and all the related meds. I was quoted $25,000 for one cycle with no guarantees. Granted I'm in Boston which is expensive anyway. So we looked abroad and found a great clinic in the Czech Republic which will offer us a more technologically advanced donor egg ivf cycle with a guarantee of 5 eggs and at least two blasts for $4500. They screen their donors very well, and we visited the clinic in January to meet our Dr and check it's all legit, dh left a sample there to freeze, and on our way out of the clinic while waiting to pay we were able to see some of the donors in the waiting lounge area I guess there for check ups. They were all young, in their 20's probably, fit and healthy, and reassuringly a mix of very pretty to quite "normal" so both dh and I felt comfortable that we would accept any of their eggs lol. We won't ever see our actual donor as her egg retrieval will be done on the day I fly over. But if she is like any of those women I'd be delighted, and as they screen so thoroughly it's reflected in the high success rates and quality of the eggs. We've been quoted 65-75% success with icsi and donor eggs. I really really hope we get lucky!

INeedNewShoes Fri 03-Mar-17 08:11:59

I'm pregnant with a baby conceived using a sperm donor whose picture I haven't seen. It just wasn't that important to me but you might want to match physical traits to your DP which is understandable.

I do have a slight worry that I might look at my baby and think 'gosh the donor clearly had distinctive facial features' but as I rarely meet anyone and think 'goodness, you're ugly' it is highly unlikely that I would have disliked my donor's appearance.

kwick Fri 03-Mar-17 08:19:24

I have used donor sperm, or magic potion as I like to call it grin from Cryos and Xytex. Never looked at a photo. For me the hair and eye colour and ethnicity are the important factors.

shoes fancy seeing you here wink

snowdog is that you? I have missed you!

highinthesky Fri 03-Mar-17 08:21:13

This is a complete minefield.

What difference is seeing the donor going to make? All it means is that you will reject them if you perceive them to be ugly.

INeedNewShoes Fri 03-Mar-17 08:21:48

Kwick - are you following me this morning? Perhaps next you could go to the 'Am I pregnant?' thread and back me up on the OPK misuse!

Snowdog37 Fri 03-Mar-17 12:20:09

kwick 😊 Yes it's me! I've had quite the year.... culminating in going to Prague this June for dIVF. I've dipped my toe back in mumsnet every now and then but been pretty busy with life. How are you? wine brew cake flowers

Snowdog37 Fri 03-Mar-17 12:21:33

shoes were you on our threads back in the day, too? Your name is familiar? If so, you're pregnant! Yay grin flowers

CycleHire Fri 03-Mar-17 12:24:05

We have a child conceived using donor egg IVF from an anonymous donor. I would have liked to see the donor's picture but that wasn't possible. She was a basic match to my height, skin tone, eye colour and hair colour. Actually now I think the benefit of not having a photo is that I can see how my son looks like his dad but I'm not comparing him to a photo of someone we don't know. On the other hand when he gets older maybe he'd like to see a photo and we don't have one to show him. We had treatment in the UK so he'll be able to access her details when he's 18, if he wants to.

CycleHire Fri 03-Mar-17 12:26:33

Btw our donor wasn't matched by blood type. In fact we didn't know her blood type until she went through screening. Her blood type is different to mine and our son has a blood type that he couldn't have from me and his father. It doesn't matter unless you don't plan to tell the child how they were conceived.

CycleHire Fri 03-Mar-17 12:30:02

Also the donor's educational level is lower than mine. In the end we decided that wasn't the most important thing and many people haven't had the educational opportunities I have so you can't draw too many conclusions from qualifications.

INeedNewShoes Fri 03-Mar-17 12:33:07

That's a good point re not having the reference to the photo Cycle which might lead you to notice things that otherwise you might not.

Snowdog - I've been on the TTC with donor threads since December 2015 or thereabouts. Your name is familiar. Were you on those threads previously too?

Snowdog37 Fri 03-Mar-17 15:32:15

shoes I was on a few ttc threads. I can remember kwick and I think I remember you too. It turns out my amh is totally gone at 0.08 and my Antral follicle count never got above 2-3, my fsh is over 23. No wonder we couldn't conceive on our own, nor with meds. I've got no good eggs left. So we've moved on to donor eggs. I'm so excited. My womb lining has been consistently good so our Dr in Prague is giving us a high chance of success with donor eggs and icsi with dh's swimmers.
So glad to see you were successful!

INeedNewShoes Fri 03-Mar-17 15:58:32

Thanks Snow - it has been an eventful journey so far (4th IUI attempt now and I'm 30 weeks pregnant but that was preceded by two chemical pregnancies and a MMC at 11 weeks). Things seem to be going ok now and I'm increasingly positive that this pregnancy is hopefully the one that's worked!

Good luck to you! It sounds like you've got a good plan smile

kwick Fri 03-Mar-17 17:53:18

Haha shoes yep I am your MN stalker!!! I saw you on the other thread too and thought "that's my shoes so expert and eloquent" 💕

snowdog so happy to reconnect smile I am just coming out of a second MC - this time after a medicated IUI. Very tough time but I remain hopeful smile don't you fancy coming back to the original thread? We are still going and would love to have you back grin

Snowdog37 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:09:07

kwick I'll pop over right now 😄

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