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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Coercive controlling behavior

32 replies

Vickyglitz · 19/08/2019 09:40

Has anyone had success getting their husband put away for coercive / controlling behavior which is a criminal offense in the UK?

My husband is refusing to let me take my daughter to a play date with my friend and her kid because he had a fight with her and doesn't like her. He doesn't let me speak to her. He's fired our cleaner even though we can afford it because he says I can clean as I don't do shit at home anyway. I work full time as a lawyer and have a child and we need the help.

He is always calling me names, calling me a whore and swine and threatening to not allow me to take my daughter abroad to see her grandparents (my parents).

I don't have written evidence of any of this because who would? It happens day to day.

OP posts:

Report

7yo7yo · 19/08/2019 09:41

Don’t try and label this shit.
He’s just abusive.

7yo7yo · 19/08/2019 09:41

Posted too soon.
Get help and get out.

Vickyglitz · 19/08/2019 10:02

I want him to go to prison for this. It's a criminal offense.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 19/08/2019 10:53

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

Is one place to start. Good luck.

NotBeingRobbed · 19/08/2019 11:36

Just leave him. Might be the easiest way out.

Footle · 19/08/2019 11:51

The fact that you're a lawyer doesn't mean you don't need to consult one. He sounds vile.

justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 12:08

As a man, I'd suggest you get out while the going is "relatively" good. If he's not being violent now, it may only be a matter of time until he is if you continue to (rightly so) push back. As much as I'd love to see him go to jail for this, I would think it's going to be a very long and dirty road to get there and if you can leave and start a new life without him and with your daughter this might be the lesser of two evils. Sadly due to Innocent until Proven Guilty, in these situations, it seems to mean always innocent.

No child needs a man like that in their life.

cakeandchampagne · 19/08/2019 12:12

You are a lawyer and you have no idea how to handle this?

Vickyglitz · 19/08/2019 12:28

@cakeandchampagne I am a lawyer but I am also a wife and a mother who doesn't want to break up her family. I am not a family lawyer and although I have some knowledge on how to build a case about this, I wanted to hear other's experiences where they have been successful building a case. Please don't judge me. I am great at my job but my job is in a different field.

OP posts:

Vickyglitz · 19/08/2019 12:30

And also, I just want our cleaner back but I don't really know if he can prevent her from entering. He says if she tries to come in he will call the police and insult her and make her go away. That is ridiculous. We have joint ownership of the house and I am allowed to have a cleaner but I don't know if he can stop her doing her job.

OP posts:

NotBeingRobbed · 19/08/2019 12:57

You can always ask him to do the cleaning. It’s not a female-only chore! If he doesn’t want a cleaner he had better do the work!

NCB2019 · 19/08/2019 13:05

Re fuse to do the cleaning for a start.

justbeingadad · 19/08/2019 13:09

@cakeandchampagne

And a doctor never goes to their GP.....

1WayOrAnother · 19/08/2019 13:16

I think you have to face the fact that your family will be 'broken up' whatever happens. It is because of HIS behaviour not yours so this is HIS responsibility. You have a responsibility to your DC to create & maintain a healthy environment at home. Him being put away must be secondary. No doubt you'll be advised to keep a log of things so I'd start doing so now. See a solicitor and get some proper advice but above all take your responsibility to your DC seriously and put it first in your priorities. It will help both your DC and you in the long run. Good luck OP

Bowsy5 · 19/08/2019 13:27

The only advice that I can give you is what I was given by police after the CPS saying that there wasn't enough to pursue a case was that they needed information such as:
Date:
Time:
Incident.

I'd suggest you keep a log of every single thing for the next month or so, then go to police with that log, they'll interview you and see whether the CPS feel there's sufficient evidence to bring charges/a case to trial.

Vickyglitz · 19/08/2019 13:28

@NotBeingRobbed he says either I do it or we live in filth because he knows I will do it for our child and general hygiene. He's unhinged

OP posts:

cakeandchampagne · 19/08/2019 13:28

@justbeingadad I didn’t suggest she handle her own case.
It just seemed she would have easy access to information/laws & already have appropriate contacts.

Bowsy5 · 19/08/2019 13:31

Oh and include everything in there, such as being coerced into sex for e.g. when you're not interested, all incidences of name calling, all incidents/threats/arguments re cleaner and playdate and anything and everything you can come up with in between.
Clearly, don't make him aware that you're keeping the log.

Bowsy5 · 19/08/2019 13:32

@cakeandchampagne Her contacts in this case will be the police, not lawyers.

Bowsy5 · 19/08/2019 13:36

And maybe, in the log, keep a record of how his behaviour made you feel at the time. Not sure if police require that, but it may be useful for you to have when you're being interviewed/making a statement.

Bowsy5 · 19/08/2019 13:38

Things such as sulking/punishing you in other ways when you don't do what he says/wants should also be included in the log.
It builds a concrete picture of how he treats you.

Bowsy5 · 19/08/2019 13:40

And if you need further professional guidance, I'd suggest calling 101 (or use their website), give an outline of the crime and they can meet you at a place of convenience or their station, to discuss with you. If you don't have sufficient evidence now, they'll steer you as to what they would require in order to pursue a case.

iamtinkabella · 19/08/2019 13:40

Yes. i have been successful at this. ask away

Outlookmainlyfair · 19/08/2019 13:45

Good luck!

Vickyglitz · 19/08/2019 13:53

@iamtinkabella hi! Could you please give me
tips on how to be successful / what steps you took / evidence you provided? Thank you!

OP posts:

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