I am in my late 50's and divorcing my husband of 25 years. We have two DC's aged 22 and 18, both of whom still live with me. My 18 year old has been accepted in our local Uni in September. Neither of them want anything to do with their Dad, because of his covertly aggressive behaviour towards all of us.
He walked out last year, when he realised that he had leeched everything he could from me, emotionally and financially, and I had nothing else that he wanted.
The biggest problem I have to deal with currently is his over inflated sense of entitlement along with the fact that he is a prolific manipulator and liar.
At his request, I got two property valuations, both of which were around the same amount. I asked him, via my solicitor, if we could do a financial disclosure by letter with documents to back it up and he refused stating that he "wasn't comfortable" with that. He also ranted in his reply that the applicant (me) earned considerably more than he did and he needed to know the full extent of my finances. He said that he would only accept half the value of the house and because I would be staying here, the value would only increase. Ok then....
Of course, if he hadn't asked me to stop talking about my working life because he found it boring, he would have known full well that my earnings are less than his (we both have our own little businesses, and I have always done his bookwork, so I know where he is financially).
He refused to accept my valuations because they are too low for his liking, and he arranged for his own estate agent to visit, accompanied by him. I cannot be in the same room as him because my anxiety goes into overload, so my sister stepped in. I emailed his estate agent to get a copy of the valuation and it was 50K more than both of mine. I had to get a little clever with this and asked how much I could add to the value if the house was decorated (it's been left to go to pot for a number of years and is in poor condition). The estate agent replied that the valuation he gave was based on the house being decorated to a very high standard, so it's obvious that STBX pulled the "my wife is trying to screw me" card. In any event, I have it in writing that the valuation is not accurate. To cover myself, I paid to have a RICS valuation done, which also came in at the same value as the two I already had.
He kept going on about the Form E, so I got that completed and ready. It took him a further two months to do his and the reason for the delay was given as "your client (me) has mislaid much of our clients necessary paperwork". I am used to being blamed for his ineptitude so didn't even bat an eyelid at this. He is the type when, if something good happens, it's always because of him and, if anything bad happens, it's always because of me.
Because he refuses to pay a solicitor, preferring to keep his money to indulge his car obsession, he has used the services of a Mackenzie Friend. Now, I have nothing against them, they do provide a service for people, but because my STBX is so manipulative and can twist everything to suit himself, I think she has been taken in by him and, from the tone of the correspondence, it looks like he tells her what to say, and that's exactly what she does.
He has completed the form E himself and I don't think she's even seen it. As expected, he has used it to rant about what a terrible person I am. He inferred that I have been financially abusive and I had to spend an hour with my Sol to defend myself (I understand that she needs to know that I am not hiding anything). Thankfully I had lots of paperwork to prove he was wrong, but it was still difficult to get through. He has downvalued his classic car by 2/3rds and has omitted to put a value on his garage equipment and parts collection (although he has mentioned that he will need to rent somewhere to keep it all safe). He has not provided all of his bank statements and for some reason, the money in his ISA is not his..... (yes, I know what he's doing).
Under the capital needs section, he has basically written his demands as follows:
Half of the original deposit on the house (plus interest)
Half of the mortgage payments to go back to him
Half of the money he put into the joint account for the last 10 years
Oh yes, and half of the market value of the house.
This comes to 150% of the current market value which is just silly.
I'm currently sitting here feeling that no matter what I do, I am going to lose everything to a man who has spent our whole marriage lying to me, manipulating and gaslighting me. My Sol keeps saying that she does understand my position, but she says I really need to work out where I'm going to get the funds from if I want to buy him out. I can't get a mortgage - I've tried. I'm not confident that I can get a job either. I've been out of the jobs market for 20 years and who would want to employ an over-anxious 58 year old woman with hypertension??
At some point, somebody is (hopefully) going to point out to him that he is being incredibly unreasonable and that he cannot expect me to sell my home and give him 150% of what we get for it. Sadly, once he realises that, he's going to pull another rabbit out of the hat and accuse me of some other heinous actions and so it will continue until he gets his own way.
What a pickle. 
Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.
Divorce/separation
how to get through this with my sanity intact
JugglingaBoxofFrogs · 28/07/2018 20:46
I should mention that I do expect to have to give him some money, and my eldest son has offered to stand as a guarantor for a mortgage which would mean that I could raise some money, although I would have to work until I'm 70. I had planned to do that anyway, because I enjoy work. If my STBX would just be honest about the value of his assets, it would all be doable. However, I know that he feels entitled to at least half and even if that means his kids will be homeless he will not be bothered. All he is interested in is getting as much money as he possibly can. What was I thinking when we married? I must have been off my head 
This sounds very complicated and that he's trying to screw you for every penny.
You really need an experienced solicitor (and possibly barrister if it goes to court).
The likelihood is you will be awarded at least 50% of the marital assets, including pensions.
My divorce was a long drawn out process as I wouldn't settle with what xh wanted financially. He was and is a company director. The company wasn't particularly taken into account in the proceedings, so that may work in your favour.
I got all of the equity in the house, and was able to demonstrate financial viability (to the mortgage company we were with) that allowed a straight transfer to my name - I just continued paying the same amount.
To repeat, you need a good solicitor who is prepared to negotiate hard on your behalf.
All is far from lost, although I do recognise what you are feeling now. You will start to get the old you back. I can't say I'm all of the way there yet, and it's been a long time now, but I do at least like myself and know that I'm a valuable person.
It's a tough place to be. Look after yourself. 
mineofuselessinformation
This is comforting to a degree, so thank you.
My OP was a brief synopsis, but there is so much more. He has had problems recognising the "we" in wedding. His money has always been his money, never family money. He has conveniently forgotten that I supported him financially for 7 years when he didn't work at all. He claimed he was too ill to work as a result of minor whiplash and managed to squeeze a considerable amount of money out of the insurance company as a result. During this time he was perfectly capable of working on his precious car and stated that it was his way of relaxing. I now know that I was taken for a mug because 1 month after he received his compensation, he went back to work and has been working ever since. I accept that I put up with it, and this is irrelevant in divorce proceedings. I am cross with myself for not realising much sooner what a self absorbed person he was and how good he was at manipulating me.
He is a terrible businessman, and struggles to get his head around the difference between turnover and profit. He has also continued to pay cash into his personal account instead of his business account and this is going to bite him hard. Purely because he thinks I am stupid and won't notice.
The issues I have are with the valuation figure for the house. He will insist that his one valuation is the one we should take and that my three are all wrong. I know that if he would agree that the RICS valuation is the correct one (it's admissable in court) and then if he would be honest about his assets and agree to a 60:40 split in my favour, I could just about manage. But, he won't. I know what he's like. He will want half of £255,000 and won't want his personal assets taken into account, because those belong to him, not us. He's even tried to work out the outstanding mortgage but he's forgotten to add in the accrued interest. It's exhausting. I don't need a forensic accountant to know what he has. I am aware of his assets, but he will just deny it.
Because I'm just a woman and know nothing
I am also aware that I am grieving the loss of 25 years of my life, spent with somebody who never really loved me. I could not go back and change it though, because I have two wonderful children as a result.
Oh yes, and although I know it's irrelevant, he has spent £60,000 on his car. It's not worth that amount, but even so.... I suppose it's the injustice of it. I went along with what he wanted to do because I wanted him to be happy. I once made the mistake of suggesting that he should do whatever makes him happy. As a result he spent all of his spare time in the garage with his precious, because that was what made him happy. And I'm the stupid idiot who facilitated that. Well, I only have myself to blame I suppose. Sorry, just venting. 
I found the best way to deal with all the spurious valuations and accusations was simply to keep writing, or saying, “that is incorrect” and leave it at that.
Don’t get emotional about anything he says, or accuse him of lying, school yourself to answer with that one line and give your solicitor the evidence to prove it if necessary.
You ex is trying to distract you and make you out to be “emotional”. Don’t give him the satisfaction. 
Cupoteap I will admit that I had already taken legal advice months before he left, but he didn't know that. I think he knew he had pushed me too far and the only way for him to feel slightly better about himself was for him to decide to go. If he hadn't walked out of his own accord, I would have asked him to leave. I think he realised that and couldn't live with it because he has to be the one in control.
Seniorschoolmum I have experience of his distraction techniques. I know he does it deliberately but I don't have to live with him and I am rebuilding my emotional strength, albeit very slowly, and I do have occasional private meltdowns. I have not responded to any of his allegations. Sadly I think that will make him worse, because the one thing he cannot cope with is being ignored. It's a battle I have to fight, but I will do it in a dignified way. I am lucky that I have some really good friends that I can rant to... and there are some lovely people here who are being extremely supportive. Every little helps. 
Moanranger: Four years?! 
. I think I need to grow some thicker skin. STBX is the most vindictive person I know and, because of his narcissistic personality, he will insist on court. Even if he loses he'll be happy because then he can say "it's not my fault" and all his mates will feel sorry for him, for the rest of his life.
blueangel1: He's decided that he is entitled to all of his money back, plus interest. The house deposit was his compensation for loss of earnings whilst he "recovered" from a minor accident (no SOL fees, because he had personal injury insurance on his car policy at the time). My SOL has advised that this was family money because the accident occurred during the marriage and he didn't work for 7 years. I was the only wage earner. She also noted that he would have earned more money than he received if he had actually gone to work. He always said that was his money (not ours) and that's why he wants it back.
As I'm writing these words I cannot believe that it took me so long to realise exactly what he is. How could I have been so stupid for so long?!
Because you loved him. Now you're seeing the true him. (I've been there, got the t-shirt etc, etc.)
I still have the 'what did I see in him?' moments, but it's a lot easier now because I've recognised he's an arse.
I found channelling controlled anger very useful when I felt like this. It gave me the power to keep going when nothing else could. (I even had a special music playlist ready for the day he took me () to court for the financial settlement- it went in my direction.
Sorry if I'm projecting there.
I think the key word you need to hang on to here is 'entitled'.
If he is, so are you - and never forget it.
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mineofuselessinformation: You are right, of course. Not making excuses for myself, but when you've lived for so long with somebody who resents any little thing they do for you, uses it against you for years, and then totally ignores your basic human needs, it does become a mindset that, actually, you are irrelevant. Sitting here, I am reminded of the time he practically spat the words at me that I should think myself lucky that he doesn't spend 3 nights a week in the pub. I told him, I wouldn't care if he did, as long as he treated me like I actually mattered when he was home. He hated that and I know I was punished for it in some way (because he always had to get his own back). I am making slow headway, am better than I was six months ago, and will be better again in another six months.
Twillow: Your posts have been energising and I have made a few positive decisions today, which I hope will bear fruit. It's strangely comforting to have support from complete strangers, especially when they talk a lot of sense. . Regarding abuse, abuse can be a factor in financial settlements but it has to have the "gasp" factor and be well documented, with strong evidence (not he said, she said). Ironically I had a conversation with a solicitor a couple of weeks ago, regarding the law on gaslighting which was enacted in 2015, I think. She told me that she is not aware of anybody who has successfully managed to bring such a case to court (within or without divorce cases). Stupid to have such a law that is so difficult to enforce. Maybe in the future.....
Today has been a good day. 
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