Now mid40s, low earner and perimenopausal, he had the best years of my kife, wants no counselling, talking about trading me in for younger model for 2nd family (claims no ow yet), how not to be bitter

(48 Posts)
SortingStuffStill Mon 02-May-16 16:05:11

Tables turned, he's late 40s high earning man, am mid 40s low earning woman. He'll be dating younger and soon right and i might pull a 60 year old? hmm. He was fairly humdrum, few friends, not earning much, in debt, negative equity, not a looker when we met, married and had kids... i was quite attractive (i was told), had a career, lots of savings, own flat, had a couple of other men interested at the same time. And now?! He has his own teeth, hair is a man and earns a lot, high social/sexual status, yes? Would all the men still after me please form an orderly queue...

Aware am being petty and men hardly a priority right now, kids & me to sort first - i am neither ready nor willing to date t'yet. And heard such horror stories anout dating as a forty-something women, am utterly put off even going there. Better get me cats wink i had NO idea quite how polarised this would be. Served a function, disposed of and now of low value to others (apart from my kids, hopefully)

Aware am selfpitying but this is v raw and new. Not posting much about my kids yet- obviously the most important thing- as need to get my head around a couple of things first to be the bigger person i need to be to deal with ex and sort things out for them.

nightpiano Mon 02-May-16 19:57:05

It's so harsh, and so unfair! I think you've every right to be angry. Women get the raw deal in this situation.

I'm in the same sort of position, except that I wouldn't take my stbx back for any reason. I feel old, and I have very young children. I guess I'll be single forever now. ... But I am getting used to the idea, and I reckon it will be okay.

It will stay raw for ages, I think. Having the moral high ground helps, but only slightly. I'm sending you good thoughts and hoping you get this horrible process with your dignity intact and your kids still settled and happy flowers

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 02-May-16 20:02:23

Ok, not sure what advice you're looking for, but it seems there is only me here for now, and this will bump it for you anyhoo. My story, fwiw, has similarities. Except I was fat, still am fifty. I went through a phase of feeling quite bitter. I had been treated badly, as have you, and I think that's a normal, if not necessarily an attractive reaction. I didn't think about dating for a while, and when I did there were some horror stories to tell from OLD. I did however meet someone, and I was older than you. I had got to the point where I was happier on my own than living with someone who could treat me so badly. I find the easiest way to deal with XH is just have mimimum, (mainly civil) contact. DD makes her own arrangements with him now, which makes it easier.

Itisbetternow Mon 02-May-16 20:04:12

It is hard. I was 47 when my H of 20 years upped to live with a woman 20 years younger than me - 26 ffs. He was 46 at the time. They have just had a baby. He is 49 now. The only consolation is that there is life out there. Even with young children I have met some lovely me and have a good social life with friends. You will be fine. Onwards and upwards. These younger women will soon be fed up with these old men.

SortingStuffStill Mon 02-May-16 20:08:53

Just needed to vent, really. Glad to know am mot alone though eorry to hear you've been there too. Shpuld be taught in pshe to kids and in marriage vows! What the hell lets a man think he can dump his wife for an upgrade like this? I gabr birth to his kids and still got the war wounds No justice, patriarchy wins. The fucking bastards!

Chorltonswheelies422 Mon 02-May-16 20:14:42

Rant away on here - were here to support you. Do whatever you feel you need to to feel a bit better - punching pillows worked for me plus treating myself to things I loved.

When you have time, join a thread called onwards and upwards by hushabye - if you go to advanced search a put 'onwards and upwards' and search on thread titles only you'll find it under 'talk relationships'. - lots of ladies there a bit further along in the journey you've started
flowerswinecake for you

SortingStuffStill Mon 02-May-16 20:59:02

Thanks, shall check that out.
Good to rant. Been kidding myself that he really hasn't met anyone yet- sudden business trips into the weekend. Tosser. And yet he prides himself on being a decent man. Whatever that means. hmm

SortingStuffStill Mon 02-May-16 21:00:46

It - can i ask how you met those lovely men? Pleased it's working out for you. Fear left and washed up on the shelf forever more

MrsFlorrick Mon 02-May-16 21:08:37

It won't be like that!! Your description of him being a bit of a loser when you first meet says it all. He has spent years trampling all over your self esteem to make him self seem better. In fact he is most likely still a loser.

He is saying all that crap to trample all over you. angry
It's bullshit. And you won't be sitting with cats while he dates a younger woman etc.

And there are 60 year old millionaires..... wink

He sounds like an utter tosser. You should be looking forward to being free of him and free to be you and be happy.

SortingStuffStill Mon 02-May-16 21:18:18

MrsFlorrick, think I luffs you- for your kind words and GW name! grin however, I wish i had your confidence. Yes, he is a bit of a loser but now a high income earning one - who neglected to pay repayments on the mortgage for the past decade, still. He'll still pull. I think he did decimate my self esteem overall- though claims i did this to him too, maybe true. He has been cruel, controlling and disrespectful for years while shouting from the rooftops how difficult i have always been. Which is partly true. But i will no longer take most/all the blame like i used to.

Itisbetternow Mon 02-May-16 21:18:48

I didn't do anything for over a year. The kids and I needed to rebuild our lives and relationship. Once I felt stronger I went and joined a running club and did some online dating. OLD - I was very fussy and very selective. I went on approximately 10 first dates. All the men were my age or slightly older by a couple of years. My boundaries were really high. All were nice blokes. The running club has made me fitter, look healthier and much more confident. It has also provided a great social club. I don't run fast. Park run is sociable too. I recommend it so much. Good luck.

SortingStuffStill Mon 02-May-16 21:24:48

Well, I have run in the past and noticed that the clubs do have quite a lot of men, many of whom are inevitably quite fit! Getting back to it - just 5k for now so nothing hardcore but it's a thought, thanks.

Pisssssedofff Mon 02-May-16 22:43:26

He may well "pull" lucky her eh ?
Concentrate on you, fuck him and pity the poor cow who ends up with him

Pisssssedofff Mon 02-May-16 22:44:52

Oh and I am dating guys five years younger than me .... It's awesome 😆

SortingStuffStill Mon 02-May-16 22:58:35

I need to think like that but see him as a huge loss right now- my kids' dad, my partner, my co-parent, my security. Settled for what we had and v low expectations but it's what I've grown used to. Need to let him go.

SortingStuffStill Mon 02-May-16 23:01:39

And would love to date a younger guy (how???!) am mid forties! Still, at least I wouldn't be fitting into the sterotype of many men that women only want them to trap them into fatherhood. Am too old amd done with that!

Heartbroken4 Tue 03-May-16 01:41:52

I'm a little younger than you but you have articulated all my fears.

Out2pasture Tue 03-May-16 02:18:25

Sorting I hope he pays! Get your ducks in a row and get him in the pocket book.
Have you seen a lawyer?

SortingStuffStill Tue 03-May-16 07:12:09

Not seen lawyer yet- too much of a state to get value from it yet. And fear the costs so may try to sort ourselves, if he's reasonable. He wants to avoid them especially...

Should start our own First Wives' Club for support!

Itisbetternow Tue 03-May-16 07:51:48

I saw a solicitor for an hour for £100. He wrote a summary afterwards. It was very useful. Be careful when he says he doesn't want to use solicitors it may be because he is hiding something. I think it is worth seeing a solicitor a couple of times just to ensure you are protecting yourself and kids. Are there pensions? It took me about 6 mths before I was emotionally strong enough to see one but my ex did continue to pay a fair amount each month so there was pressure. Good luck you are doing well. You might want to move this to relationships as it gets more traffic.

Pisssssedofff Tue 03-May-16 08:43:19

Strike whilst the irons hot, great that he wants to sort it out between you..... Mine did that for three years and then guess what he has a solicitor and has gone back in every word. Don't fall for it. Get it sorted fast, pay it off and move on.

Lollylovesbones Tue 03-May-16 09:10:58

See a good lawyer asap. Be very cautious about his desire to be reasonable - he is not your friend and no longer wants what's best for you if he ever did.

Get what you're entitled to and move on. Life on your own is infinitely better than life with a tosser. If you meet a worthy man at some point in the future that is great but shouldn't be your focus.

flowers. This is a tough time but it does get better.

SortingStuffStill Tue 03-May-16 09:39:23

My rational head knows that but am in quite a state of denial/grief/loss/anger - at self as much at him and cant yet believe he's not going to be fair. Naive, i realise!

Pisssssedofff Tue 03-May-16 10:35:00

Please please please take the advice I ignored and it's cost me at least £50,000 .... Do it now. Right now

Lollylovesbones Tue 03-May-16 10:38:55

I've been there sorting and am still suffering financially 10 years later for my naive belief that he wouldn't shaft me and his children after 20 years together. He is a very wealthy man and has continued to pay for the children but I was entitled to a lot more than I actually got.

He kept up the pretence that there was no OW until the finances were sorted -actually he still denies there was a relationship until we had separated - however the new partner is someone he had known for 15 years "as a friend" (since she was 19) and she is 15 years younger than me.

He had been emotionally, financially and occasionally physically abusive throughout our marriage and even though he was leaving me, I couldn't disentangle myself. I wish I had been tougher. You will get lots of support on here and hopefully in real life. You do not deserve how you have been treated but you and your children do deserve a fair financial settlement.

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