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No idea what to do - (much) younger woman

(34 Posts)
WhatwouldyoudoWHATWOULDYOUDO Sun 26-Jul-15 23:18:22

OK, so am donning my asbestos suit for the flaming... but would appreciate some serious thoughts.

I'm a single 40-odd bloke with a young DC, and I'm finding myself attracted to someone at work. She's mid twenties, but mature for her age and v interesting person. We share quite a lot in common and I'm starting to suspect she has a bit of a thing for me. So, lots of soul-searching...

Obviously, this isn't anywhere near an actual relationship yet. I haven't even asked her out and maybe she just likes the attention - but I'm not going to blindly jump into something that may end up going somewhere. I'm not interested in a fling or a "this could be fun, lets see what happens" relationship. I want a proper relationship and, well, I'm not going to get into a serious relationship with a woman who may want a family one day if I'm not wanting this myself.

While I'm not actively looking to start a new family from scratch, I'm pretty sure if I was with the right woman then that's what I'd want. Only there's the guilt. Not only for my former DP, having to see me start a family with a much younger woman, but for my DC who may feel excluded and betrayed. After all, I'd only be spending half my time with DC and all my time with a new family. So, has anyone any experience of this where it's worked out? Or does it sound like a recipe for disaster?

floatyflo Sun 26-Jul-15 23:20:52

Why would you be flamed? Unless the former dp isn't actually a former dp just yet?

floatyflo Sun 26-Jul-15 23:22:39

Sorry I have just realised you stated you are single.

I just think perhaps you need to slow down. All this talk of new family and what not and as fat as I can tell you haven't even had a first date yet!

WhatwouldyoudoWHATWOULDYOUDO Sun 26-Jul-15 23:23:06


Just all the stuff I read here about older men only being interested in young women. Feel like a living cliche sad

WhatwouldyoudoWHATWOULDYOUDO Sun 26-Jul-15 23:26:39


I know, I know. You're right. Just unexpected, not sure what to think.

floatyflo Sun 26-Jul-15 23:27:28

Well I didn't even think of that so I'm not sure 'all the stuff you read on here' about older men and younger women has been read by everybody smile

stevienickstophat Sun 26-Jul-15 23:29:39

You're overthinking this a bit, pal.

Why not ask her out for a drink? Save all the angsting until you decide whether you like her or not.

WhatwouldyoudoWHATWOULDYOUDO Sun 26-Jul-15 23:32:52


Yeah, a good idea. Think I'm still stuck in long-term relationship mode.

mooth Sun 26-Jul-15 23:34:04

I wouldn't expect you to be flamed, you're not doing anything wrong, and you're being very thoughtful. But perhaps a bit too thoughtful! You're nowhere near a relationship with this woman yet - just leave things to develop naturally and make decisions as the situation demands at that time!

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Sun 26-Jul-15 23:35:28

Agree with Flo.Maybe slow things down first, why not get to know each other more? She may just want to be friends.
How long have you been single and how's your relationship with your ex? You do have the right to move on you know. And Blended families can be ok-just need more work.
But, baby steps.

stevienickstophat Sun 26-Jul-15 23:36:00

Oh, and as far as her age goes, it's a non-problem at your ages. Two adults - that's it.

(DP is fifteen years older than me, and a happier pair you couldn't wish to meet).

LemonPied Sun 26-Jul-15 23:37:14

You're overthinking it. Ask her for a drink. My step dad is 16 years older then my mum and I don't think anyone batted an eyelid, or at least they didn't say it directly to them.

CoolWheelsPan Mon 27-Jul-15 19:13:52

I think you need to sort out this 'betrayal' thing you seem to have going on in your head - this will come up with whosoever you get an attachment to.
The age thing? Nah. Give her the respect she deserves - she can make her own mind up who she fancies and who she doesn't. Agree - you're over-thunking it.

Niko123 Tue 04-Aug-15 11:55:14

Not sure anyone has mentioned this, but you might possibly be slightly on the verge of marginally overthinking this. smile On a serious note, a lot of women in their mid 20's start to become interested in older men. So go with the flow (and keep us posted smile.

MishMooshAndMogwai Tue 04-Aug-15 12:00:54

I'm mid 20s and my Dp is just turned 40- no ones arsed!

Ask her out before naming the kids though...

Kewcumber Tue 04-Aug-15 12:08:52

my former DP, having to see me start a family with a much younger woman if this would really concern you (more than the normal "don;t rub it in her face kind of way) then I don't think you ready to move on to a new relationship yet.

travellinglighter Sat 15-Aug-15 15:04:29

Cross bridges when you get to them. What’s the chances that you’re first relationship--I’m assuming-- after a split will be the one?

AuntieStella Sat 15-Aug-15 15:19:05

Are you her manager (or is she yours)?

How big is your workplace? What's it like for gossip?

VoyageOfDad Sat 15-Aug-15 18:13:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Sat 15-Aug-15 18:19:39

that's a really thoughtful post, Voyage. The only thing I would say is that you shouldn't assume that every woman will want to have children. I think you have to have the conversation early on in the relationship, when it looks to be getting more serious, so that everyone knows where they stand. But it would be awful to pass over the chance of a wonderful relationship with someone who doesn't want children because you never asked them.

Lovelydiscusfish Sat 15-Aug-15 18:23:22

Both dh and I are the product of our dads' second marriages. Both of us have dads over a decade older than our mums. So I'm glad not everybody shares your reservations, OP!
Having said that, my dad's relationship with his son from his first marriage isn't great. But there's a back story to that. DFIL gets on with his kids from his first marriage just fine.
But, as others have said, before anything else you need to ask the woman on a date! Good luck.

VoyageOfDad Sat 15-Aug-15 19:46:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Sat 15-Aug-15 21:06:14


You could surprised - I have a couple of friends who in happy, long term relationships with older men who have children from a previous relationship who have no desire to have children of their own.

VoyageOfDad Sat 15-Aug-15 21:55:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rouxlebandit Mon 17-Aug-15 14:33:23

So, OP, what have you decided to do? We only get one life you know!

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