Never had PIV sex, not sure if I can, want baby

[TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere]

Hello all, new here and really worrying about asking this.

I am nearly 30. No history of sexual abuse or assault. Identified as gay for a long time although am now in a long term relationship with a wonderful man and I really love him. But I have never had penetrative sex. Never used tampons. The only Cervical smear I had took three appointments and the GP finally had to do it instead of nurse. I've never wanted penetration-- it just doesn't make sense to me. When I first learned about it at school I was just confused by it and that has never changed! It just seems to be a completely absent part of my sexuality. DP and I have active but penetrative sex life.

The thing is, we'd absolutely love to have children. I have no idea what support or help is out there. I feel like the only person in the world with this problem. I read about people trying to conceive for months or years and it fills me with dread how many times they'd have to DTD in that time.

Does anyone have any advice?

[TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere]

*active but never penetrative sex life

[BoglingToAswad]

Do you think you would be able to home inseminate?

Your aversion seems to be more extreme than just a dislike. Have you considered asking your GP for a referral to someone who can help?

[TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere]

I have an appointment with a nurse for next week. I don't really know what to ask for - medical support? More emotional-type support, like therapy? Or just workaround methods of ttc? Also even if I did succeed, I sincerely hope they can do ALL the pregnancy-related examinations and birth the baby through my belly button!

[BoglingToAswad]

When you were having your smear test did the problem seem to be physical or mental, or both?

[princessTiasmum]

Is this real? birth the baby through your belly button?
Poor man if its real ,set him free!

[BoglingToAswad]

@princessTiasmum that was clearly a joke.

[VanillaCoconutDove]

Why did you have a smear if you’ve never had Piv? I didn’t think it was necessary.

[TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere]

@BoglingToAswad
Both. It's hard to tell because I was dreading it for the pain, it was terribly painful, and so I found it really distressing...

@Tiasmum
Rephrased: If I were to succeed at ttc, I am then really worried about how I'll cope with pregnancy examinations and the birth for the same reasons

[Nixen]

If I were you I would concentrate on getting counselling and working out why you have this issue

[putastrawunderbaby]

Uncalled for @pricessTiasmum

[TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere]

It is necessary. The risks are lower, but they aren't zero.

"But HPV is passed on through body fluids, like other sexually transmitted infections. This means that oral sex, transferring vaginal fluids on hands and fingers, or sharing sex toys can all be ways of being exposed to HPV."
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-39230807

[PippilottaLongstocking]

If you don’t need any internal scans (I never did, so not sure what circumstances require them), and choose elective c-section you may well be able to avoid anyone going anywhere near that area, so long as the pregnancy runs smoothly. I’m not sure how you’ll manage to get pregnant though!

[AllTheWhoresOfMalta]

I know this sounds stupid/obvious but what exactly don’t you like about the idea of it. Do you think it’s going to hurt, do you think it’s gross, do you feel embarrassed? If you can work out what you don’t like about the idea that’s probably a good starting point.

[DinoGreen]

There’s no way to get pregnant without putting things in your vagina I’m afraid. My friend who went through IVF had far more invasive prodding/internal scans/swabs/suppositories etc than I ever had to experience getting pg naturally. Even if you did home insemination, you’d have to put it right up there to stand a chance of conceiving. So agree with others that I think you’ll need to have some kind of therapy perhaps to work on it - do you have vaginismus?

[RainbowFox]

Thing is even with fertility treatment, like IVF or IUI, at some point someone has got to go up there! So I think if you want to carry a biological child, you need to get to the root issue and try to resolve it.

Other options where you wouldn't have to carry would be surrogacy or adoption.

[BoglingToAswad]

I think the best thing to do is see your GP and explain your issues. It could be physical or mental but either way if it's causing you so much anxiety it's time to see the doctor and find out what's going on.

[WhatNow40]

The problem with home insemination is that you still need to insert something, not necessarily as big as a turkey baster but something like a medicine dosing syringe. They hold 5ml and aren't very wide or long, you may need the length of a turkey baster to get the semen to your cervix.

I'd start by trying to insert non applicator tampons. Even if you manage to get pregnant and agree a c-section, they still need to do an internal exam to measure your cervix dilation, at least once. Start slow, by yourself, and see if you are able to gently push your comfort zone. If not, it may give you a clearer picture of what triggers your inability to do this. Best of luck.

[TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere]

I honestly don't know how to explain this. It just feels like a completely alien thing to do. Imagine if the only way to conceive a baby was do take part in a really niche fetish, and you thought "God, if someone hadn't told me that, it would never have occurred to me to do that"... AND when you try, it's desperately painful. But the rest of the world seems to be doing it without question.

[EleanorOalike]

Have you had psychosexual counselling?

Could you have Vaginismus?

Could you be asexual?

It sounds like as well as a mental barrier you experience a lot of pain so it may need approached from both a psychological and a physiological perspective.


Lots of asexual couples have children via insemination, IVF, adoption. If you don’t want penetrative sex you don’t have to have it. I wonder though how fair it is to expect your partner, who presumably would like penetrative sex, to go without for the rest of his life. Do you enjoy the other sexual activity or is it something that you endure for your partner’s sake?

[DinoGreen]

[AND when you try, it's desperately painful

This does sound like vaginismus to me OP - have you researched it? It’s an involuntary reaction that makes your body tense up. It can be treated, I know someone who had it and has managed, with some work, to have penetrative sex now.

[TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere]

DP was in an asexual relationship before me. He doesn't ever seem to want piv sex. We've discussed it at length - I really want to make sure that his needs are met. If ever he changed his mind, we'd look at opening up the relationship. Sort of like outsourcing ;) But so far it's never been an issue.

[BoglingToAswad]

I wonder though how fair it is to expect your partner, who presumably would like penetrative sex, to go without for the rest of his life.

There's a lot more to sex than penetration, and it's a bit of a myth that most men wouldn't be able to go without. In my experience most would choose oral over penetration.

[HJWT]

@TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere have you actually ever TRIED? How do you know you won't like it if you have never tried? It could just be mental like fear of flying? 😁 (BTW DH has never been on a plane and never will so I kind of get it) Honest to god I could not get pregnant without having sex I couldn't imagine what a sweep or internal examination would feel like!

[EleanorOalike]

@TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere well your relationship sounds perfect in that case! Have you asked your GP for help? The examinations etc should be straightforward with a bit of help from the professionals.

There's a lot more to sex than penetration

Thanks, I was already aware of that .

[TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere]

With a previous partner, yes, but that was about 8 years ago! Also had one successful year with a menstrual cup, astonishingly, but it got increasingly painful month by month until in the end it was unbearable. The failed smear tests were like the nail in the coffin.