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Abandoned by Father

(31 Posts)
Curlylou1 Mon 20-Nov-17 08:06:56

Morning hoping for some words of wisdom. I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant last week and it’s unplanned. Was in total shock for a couple of days and then decided to tell the dad. He was as shocked as I am and I gave him a few days to absorb. At the weekend he came back and said he didn’t want a baby for personal reasons - driving a business, the affect on his current children and his personal freedom. I unfortunately cannot abort. It doesn’t feel right . We cannot agree a way forward. He thinks it’s a case of taking a pill and getting on with life. I have stood my ground and will continue too. The latest update I am getting is he will be there for the baby, but not me . There has been no compassion and kindness in our brief conversations and I am dealing with a stranger. We had lots of plans going into next year and all of these have been cancelled. I feel like I am being punished for not doing what he wants.? Am feeling alone , scared and confused. We are both in our 40’s . Has anyone experienced this. Any words would be appreciated

HoneyCake86 Mon 20-Nov-17 08:33:01

My ex wanted a baby with me then abandoned me at 16 weeks and spent the birth in bed with a new woman. He tried to act like disney dad for a while but now don’t bother and has got his latest gf preg. So its not exactly the same but similar now. All i can say is no matter what you do this asshole guy will do what he wants regardless of what you do, so do what your heart tells you and what YOU want. It does sound like hes lashing out because of not being in control of the situation. I know its painful but it is you who will be living with your decision. Hugs

RedastheRose Mon 20-Nov-17 22:38:56

You want your baby but the truth is that at the moment he doesn't.

It's your choice to continue the pregnancy and he doesn't have to like it. However, if he didn't want a baby he should have taken precautions himself.

You basically have to resign yourself to being the best co-parents you can be at this stage.

As it's only a week since you found out he could be in shock or feeling trapped, he may come around but he may also always feel like this.

Make your plans to do this alone and if things change then you can decide if you still want to pursue a relationship with him.

SoozC Mon 20-Nov-17 23:18:26

I have a friend who was in the same situation, except she was five months when she found out. Her child is now 9. The father has seen the child every week since birth, including an overnight stay, and continues to provide. But he and my friend do not get on at all, they are civil for the sake of the child but that's it. My friend does not bad mouth him in front of the child. So it can work. Sorry you are going through this.

Curlylou1 Tue 21-Nov-17 08:18:22

We met up last night to talk again as I needed to get to the bottom of his fears. There has been an apology so feeling calmer. The crux of it is he wants a girlfriend, but not a family too soon (it’s been 6 months) and was enjoying getting to know me. He admitted that it had been going well and he had been happy. I have decided to have some counselling this week on my own and take some time to reflect over the weekend. He is going to get some counselling on Friday on his own. Some advice I would give from this don’t put your stake in the ground open as a discussion . Hoping to come to resolution in the week. His love is on offer without the baby as are all our plans, but it’s not about that for me. Paid for a private scan yesterday and slept for first time in a week. Worth it for peace of mind

Hairyhat Tue 21-Nov-17 16:44:35

Do you have other children Op? If not then I think it’s very different for you than for him. Also, if you’re in your 40s this may be your last chance to have a baby. Your fertility window maybe smaller than you think. I went through the menopause at 38/39 and would dearly have loved another child but didn’t realise I couldn’t until it was too late.

Curlylou1 Tue 21-Nov-17 17:13:52

HairHat. No I don’t have any kids, which is making this an even more difficult decision sad

PoppyJ1 Tue 21-Nov-17 17:34:55

If you have an abortion that you don't want, you could be letting this selfish man decide for you whether or not you are going to be a mother. That is a huge decision and only you should be making it. If this is a wanted pregnancy from your point of view, congratulations x

AnnieFannie1982 Tue 21-Nov-17 17:38:54

This sounds tough. As hard as it seems, and as unlikely as it might be, I would try to imagine how you might feel in the future if your relationship doesn’t work out. And similarly, if you decide you’d like to keep the baby, it shouldn’t be the end of a good relationship. All couples face unexpected and unwanted circumstances over the years, there has to be compromise and accommodation. He certainly shouldn’t be using your relationship as a bargaining tool to get you to have an abortion. Say you terminate your pregnancy and stay together, how long before something else happens that he doesn’t like? Does he threaten to leave then too?

Make your decision for you and only you, he can take it or leave it. If he’s a decent sort, he’ll show it.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Tue 21-Nov-17 17:40:54

Doubtful your relationship would survive the resentment you will grow to feel for a man who pressures you to terminate.
Keep the baby and ltb.

Curlylou1 Tue 21-Nov-17 17:50:42

That does LTB mean?

Justbookedasummmerholiday Tue 21-Nov-17 17:56:37

Leave the bastard.

Curlylou1 Tue 21-Nov-17 18:08:13

Oh right confused

BandhaAid Tue 21-Nov-17 19:44:10

The baby was unplanned, therefore he is within his rights to have doubts. You want the baby and he doesn't, so you need to come to a compromise. You should not feel forced into doing something you don't want to with your own body. You don't want an abortion, so you shouldn't have one. It's totally sad that at the moment you can't see eye to eye but I agree with others that you need to be the best parents you can be but perhaps not whilst in a relationship together. He may yet change his mind, of course. Good luck.

BandhaAid Tue 21-Nov-17 19:45:30

I forgot to add that, while he's within his rights to be worried and not too happy, it's a shame that he feels the need to run away, because this should be something you face together as a couple.

RedastheRose Wed 22-Nov-17 22:45:07

Imho no decent man would make the 'my love is on offer without the baby' statement. Basically blackmailing you to chose him or your child.

If you decide to terminate the pregnancy please don't do it for such a selfish man. It is your body and your choice and as pp have said may be your one and only chance to have a baby.

Also if you did terminate to keep the relationship, there is little chance of your relationship surviving int he long term. You would probably resent him for what you gave up and he may well just be saying that your relationship can continue if you do what he wants to get his own way then walk away anyway one he gets his own way.

Curlylou1 Fri 24-Nov-17 05:04:31

Have decided to go ahead with this after counselling. Finding any contact with my ex really upsetting. He is an alpha male and it’s my way or the highway. He had full custody of his two daughters as his ex apparently unstable. After the last week i am wondering if this is even true. I feel unstable. On a call last night he suddenly announced he would be going for custody. On a baby he doesn’t want??? Finding him so controlling. I am wondering what co parenting would actually be like?

VelvetKK Fri 24-Nov-17 06:17:03

The only advice I would give you is to do what you want to do. It's you that has to live with your decision. I also wouldn't base your decision on what he's saying just now. Chances are he's still processing this and trying to regain control of the situation with the custody statements.

hiyasminitsme Fri 24-Nov-17 06:20:46

Don't put him on the birth certificate

PollytheDolly Fri 24-Nov-17 06:23:29

Oh dear, red flags there OP.

Sounds like you’d be better off not in a relationship with this man. I doubt he will get full custody, I’d keep my distance from him and communicate only where necessary.

Congratulations on your pregnancy flowers

Curlylou1 Fri 24-Nov-17 06:41:35

Thanks for the comments am so fed up

VelvetKK Fri 24-Nov-17 06:51:38

It's no wonder you're fed up. It's a lot for you to take in and process without his twatty behaviour to add to the mix. Do you have anyone you would feel comfortable discussing this with to help you get some support other that MN and counselling?

FilledSoda Fri 24-Nov-17 14:29:10

Jesus shock I wouldn't want to co parent with him at all !
Full custody?
Who the hell does he think he is ?
If you really want a child , and at your age you should definitely consider this your last chance then have the baby but be very careful with this man. Legal advice all the way .

Curlylou1 Fri 24-Nov-17 20:32:05

Velvetkk my friends are concerned that he will be a nightmare for the next 18 years. His style is to throw money at people. I was completely love bombed for the first 4 months of the relationship without realising and now he has pulled everything away because he isn’t in control or happy. Have no idea what to expect next. Sent an email telling him what I was experiencing and he said his ex had mentioned all the same characteristics when she left him. Controlling, manipulative etc. His kids are locked in they live with him and he goes overboard with the material side and they have no relationship with her at all . Worried this will happen to me

VelvetKK Fri 24-Nov-17 21:21:39

I would never usually suggest leaving a fathers name off the birth certificate but if he's willing to be so vindictive and threatening, then I would seek advice on where you stand if you proceed.

He's ruined enough of this experience for you without letting him influence your decision. I would even consider cutting contact for the time being to let yourself process. Big hugs thanks

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