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hardly come in here now, but I need a rant because I am truly fecked off...

(28 Posts)
OracleInaCoracle Wed 29-Jun-11 15:42:14

my period came today, 2 days early (although I no longer know what is early or late since my cycle is so fucked up) and without fanfare. that makes it 69 cycles. I am bloated and greasy and feel like shit. Everyone else who had their babies at around the same time have had another, maybe two... in one case three. And they all ask "any plans for another?" if I reply with an enigmatic "we'll see what happens" instead of ripping off their heads and telling them exactly WHY we havent had another, they cock their heads and say "well, you dont want to leave it too late"

really? I hadn't considered that! I mean, its not like I cry every month is it? or I have read every book and tried every trick known to man?

and you know what? relaxing doesnt fucking well help. not a jot. because I am infertile and no amount of holidays, or ceremonial giving away of maternity clothes, or books, or burning of charts will change that.

yes, I am lucky to have a child, I know that. but it isn't wrong for me to want another. my DB has one eye, he is lucky that he isnt blind, hell, he's lucky he is alive. but he is still unlucky to have lost an eye.

my consultant is a wanker with a god complex who doesnt think that a temp spike is relevant to my mc's, and the hospital wont take responsibility for fucking up my c-section.

Im so angry today.

sillyworriedmama Wed 29-Jun-11 16:24:07

I just wanted to give you a *hug. I'm so sorry you've been through so much. I know it doesn't help to hear all the platitudes, but I didn't want your post to be unanswered - and for the record, don't feel bad about being pissed off, it's completely ok to be angry as hell sometimes, and hurt, and sad all at once. It's not fair, you're right. x

OracleInaCoracle Wed 29-Jun-11 16:43:26

thank you, Im just really hacked off about it. all my mn cycle buddies from when I joined have graduated, and here I am. i dont even belong in conception anymore, because I just bum everyone out

Ariesgirl Wed 29-Jun-11 16:45:06

Dearest Lissie, there's nothing to be said. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this and all this shit is happening to you. All you want to do is scream profanities in your friends' faces I'm sure. Do any of them have an idea of what you have gone through/are going through?

I remember a supply teacher who used to come into our school sometimes who I got friendly with. She was 47. When I asked her if she had kids, she simply said "No, we couldn't have them." It wasn't embarrassing or awkward - she said she had grown tired of insensitive questioning over the years and had decided to just say that. Even when I was 26 and had no idea about the anger and pain of infertility, I really respected that. I'm so sorry if this doesn't help at all.

Have a rant. Have a weep. It's not fucking fair.

OracleInaCoracle Wed 29-Jun-11 16:57:19

a couple of them know, i am fairly open about it. i hate that infertility is still quite taboo, its as if people think its contagious, or you must be doing something wrong.

and my scummy cousin has had her pg confirmed, so that'll be another baby born to the junkie and her abusive h, to be removed (probably brain damaged like her ds 3) at birth.

I just want to scream "fuck off" at everyone!

InTheSunshine Wed 29-Jun-11 17:29:10

Lissie you have every right to be angry, it's all real and real things hurt. You're right. Infertility is still such a taboo subject & that is what makes it so hard sometimes because we are limited to whom we can talk to. Frustrating isn't it. And a massive crock of shit.

PatientGriselda Wed 29-Jun-11 20:41:26

Everyone is right about the total shitness of it all, and how the only rational response is to scream, rant, cry and howl at the moon.

You don't bum me out, by the way, and I know everyone would agree that if you want to be here then it is totally a place for you to be.

lalabaloo Wed 29-Jun-11 21:56:19

It is totally fine for you to be upset and angry, and you don't bum everyone out on here, I know what you mean about it feeling so unfair that your cousin is having another baby, people around me keep falling pregnant by accident and moaning about it! Grrrrrrr

m4z Thu 30-Jun-11 01:51:40

I just wanted to give my cyber hugs to you all. I know what you
mean.

It's hard to stay positive when everything around is just a pile of pants( can I say shit)?
So unfair, all these little skanks getting preg by just sneezing!
Your right about friends, one said well even if you get preg now your lo will be over 3. Yes I fcuking know the maths!!!!!!
Sorry, might as well let it out. X

havealittlefaithbaby Thu 30-Jun-11 06:24:39

OhLissie hun, I can't imagine how you feel (its Bexamundo BTW) but sa the others gave said, here is the place where you can freely rant. Anyone who knows your history will fully support you. This is the forum to do it in. I agree, infertility is such a stupid taboo still! It's hard enough without stupid insensitive comments from other people!
You've been such a support to so many of us on here. I have learnt so much from you (e.g. I don't test early anymore). So, if you need to vent I think there's loads of us who would like to return the favour.

Liskey Thu 30-Jun-11 06:34:33

Lissie sorry your feeling like this - you've got every right to be angry/upset/pissed off with this. Its not fair at all and as for your cousin!

Big [unmusnet] hugs to you.

OracleInaCoracle Thu 30-Jun-11 10:25:30

oh, thank you all. I suppose I just feel like people dont want to hear a story without a happy ending. they dont want "yes, its shit, but you know what? there very little you can actually do about it" people have been saying "ooooh, new house, new baby!" and (tbh, Ive been rather short with them) Ive replied we've moved 5 times (including this one) since ds was born - thanks to private renting - and Ive been pg 14 times. in 6 years.

kat2504 Thu 30-Jun-11 10:40:32

So sorry that you are dealing with all this shiz. I know a little how crap it is as I haven't managed to have a baby yet, but it sounds like you have had an awful lot of mcs. If people knew about even some of that perhaps they'd shut the fuck up with their insensitive comments? Not saying you should tell everything to everyone, just a sort of "we'd love another but have had some pretty bad luck in that department". Should prompt an immediate change of subject.

Some people think that having, and spacing out you family is a bit like ordering from the Argos catalogue and have no idea what others go through.

Ariesgirl Thu 30-Jun-11 14:50:18

Hear hear, KittyKat

PatientGriselda Thu 30-Jun-11 16:15:40

Yup. I absolutely boggle with amazement at the way some people really do just get pregnant with one month of "trying". The majority of them are just never going to get it.

batteryhen Thu 30-Jun-11 17:00:49

Lissie I think I know a tiny bit of how you feel too. I have just suffered my 3rd MMc at 12 weeks. A friend of mine said after my 2nd MC 'if you get pregnant again please don't tell me as it upset me when you miscarried - i cried'. To which i replied 'really?? Well this may surprise you but I F.....ing cried too'. Needless to say i didn't tell her when I fell pregnant in March. The ironic thing is - she is now 16 weeks pregnant herself. First time trying, and she lives opposite me so I have to see her everyday.

You are entitled to feel so angry and pissed off with everyone and everything. And this is just the place to vent those feelings xxxx

CrapolaDeVille Thu 30-Jun-11 17:04:18

Awwwww that's poo. I've no words, have no idea how you're feeling but it must be frustrating at the very least.

galwaygal Thu 30-Jun-11 17:34:06

Lissie - ARRGGGG, it is not fair. <galway stamps feet in protest, before heading over to Lissie to stroke her hair>.

So sorry your cycle is still messing you around and that your stupid doctor (not that I want to call him that, the butcher!), is still so unco-operative.
I wish you could have moved far enough to get away from him and transfer to a doc with some semblence of a brain.

I am not going to be very helpful for you right now, as I have a scan tomorrow and am mental about that myself right now.

Do rant here as much as you need to, you have a right to be here, having helped so many people (including me) over the years.

OracleInaCoracle Fri 01-Jul-11 07:41:25

thank you all, I keep telling myself that its a marathon, not a race. but Ive paid my dues, Ive been so patient and we are out of options. our new gp is re-looking into lupus (because of my ribs) but Im sick of having strangers peering up my fanny, of having blood tests done and of trying to stay optimistic. when people I know announce their pg's I feel like the angel of doom, because they are so excited, but I purse my lips with a "you dont know whats around the corner though..."

galway, oh my lovely, I didnt know. how far?

FlipFantasia Fri 01-Jul-11 08:31:29

Lissie, I can totally understand why you're angry and upset and this is just the place to do it. I've followed your story for a while now (and I always think of you when I see those "I'm 1dpo should I POAS using First Response???!??" threads!). You're always a font of good sense to others, despite the heartache and suffering you've been through yourself. I just can't believe the insensitivity of people when it comes to getting pregnant/staying pregnant/"planning" your family (and am still in shock at batteryhen's "friend"'s comment!).

I was just wondering why you haven't been referred to Prof Regan's repeat MC clinic at St Mary's Paddington. I'm not sure where you are in the country, so London may be out of the question, but I know they accept NHS referrals from all over the UK. And your current doctor sounds absolutely horrid...

OracleInaCoracle Fri 01-Jul-11 09:05:58

flip, grin, every now and then I go on those threads and start cracking skulls, seems that I have managed to convert a few posters into non-testers. the problem is, it takes a long time (and a lot of shit) to get to the point Im at. I remember being so excited in the early days of ttc, and being unable to wait myself.

I went to LWH, back when it was the only hospital doing nk cell testing, and the tests they ran came back clear, Ive been to other clinics too and all the non-standard tests cost so much, plus, we live on the welsh border, so getting to the clinics is v v expensive. if there was a guarantee, we'd be there like a shot. but it feels like we have drained our emotional and financial resources now. we were turned down for IVF because of the mc's and because the mc's are so early, its hard to get a proper diagnosis.

OracleInaCoracle Fri 01-Jul-11 09:10:35

and, whats really hacked me off now is that 2 days into my period (so on the day it was actually due) I am in horrendous pain. proper, doubled over, cant see straight, pain.

thats a new one.

I do not like it.

FlipFantasia Fri 01-Jul-11 09:58:31

Lissie I know what you mean about the excitement of early days ttc but early testing is the work of the devil (or more like the work of marketing campaigns aimed at parting women from their cash hmm) and is such a waste of money...and won't change the eventual result one bit! I had a MC in April (after a miracle natural conception as DS was conceived via ICSI) but getting a clear BFP, after waiting until I was properly late, was super satisfying...

LWH sound much better for immunology than Prof Regan, as from what I can gather immunes isn't really something they do there. Must be so hard not to have an answer as to why this is happening. And having a rubbish doc can't help.

Hope the period pain disappears and is just a blip.

willitbe Fri 01-Jul-11 17:50:29

Hey Lissie, sorry you are in pain from stupid af again.

I am supposedly 7 weeks today, but scan shows only sac, measuring 5w1d and nothing can be seen in it yet as it is too "early"........ hmmm heard that one before!. Anyway, I am grasping like a madwoman onto the fact that with my dd I had a scan at 7w3d and they could only see a sac then too, so all is not really lost. The fact that all my m/c (that I bothered to have early scans on) all measured 2 weeks behind too - that - I am trying to ignore.

Please tell me when it is time to pull my head out of the sand and I am not listening to any harbingers of doom right now.... nah nah nah nah nah.

Sorry Hope you don't mind me griping on your thread!

PS since the treatment for lupus is prednisolone, can't you get your doc to try treating you for it......... and it have a slight side effect of helping with any pregnancy! Kill your rib pain and get a good anti-inflammatory effect in the situation in the event of your next pregnancy. I'll supply you with the progesterone, and you can buy the asprin and then you will have got everying that you need except the profolatic antibiotic,,, sure, we can find a way of getting that to you too...... OK can you see I have gone loopy today!

willitbe Fri 01-Jul-11 17:51:08

Whoops outed my alternative name.

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