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DH really did NOT wnat to know when I started to tell him I was going to go through my birth notes

(27 Posts)
MamaG Sun 08-Feb-09 15:49:38

All I said was "I discussed going through my birth notes with HV today..."

He said "oh God its been 3 months now, why are you dragging it all up again? Just put it behind you, you're both OK. You know you had to have the CS to get him out safely. You did really well but please don't talk to me about the birth again"

shock and

I'm still going to do it as I am hoping it will really help me to come to terms with it and it might jog some memories too. It was thanks to a thread on here that I have remembered seeing him for the first time! Someone said they wre sad becuase the baby was all dressed when they saw him and it just sparked the memory of BabyG wrapped up naked in a blanket as the MW rememberd how importnat skin to skin was to me.

I think I'm just going to go do it and not mention it to DH again - he found it hard (the birth) as well and this is obviously his way of dealing with it.

diedandgonetodevon Sun 08-Feb-09 16:01:38

3 months is no time at all - of course you still want to talk/go through your notes.

If you didn't have the birth you wanted (which it certainly sounds like you didn't) it helps you to go through them with someone who understands.

Your poor DH if he found the birth traumatic too but i would be cross if my DH wouldn't talk to me about it.

I had an emergency c-sec after a very traumatic labour (to me anyway, I know there are women who have it far worse) and I still need to talk about it 4.5 months on.

I hope the HV can help you to feel better about it smile

memoo Sun 08-Feb-09 16:33:54

3 months is no time at all, I had a very traumatic labour with first DC and it took me years to get over it.

I had an ectopic that ruptured 3 and a half years ago which resulted in me collasping and needing emergency surgery. I STILL haven't fully come to terms with that

A few years ago I read a piece about women suffering 'post traumatic stress sydrome' after having a traumatic birth experience.

A lot of the symptoms the women studied described such as flash backs and constantly reliving the events in their minds were the same as the symptoms described by soliders who had fought in WW1.

Nobody should ever underestimate the lasting effect a traumatic birth experince can have on a women. Yes you and your baby are safe but that doesn't take away the pain you clearly felt when things went wrong xx

Lulumama Sun 08-Feb-09 16:35:50

i would say PapaG is probably quite upset and traumatised by the birth and the after math too, and it typical bloke fashion, he has clammed up and will Not Discuss It Again.

he is hurting too

trust me

it is v v important for you , as part of the healing process to do this, i thikn he is genuinley afraid of reliving it .

but do it for yourself

gawd, i still whinge about my em c.s 9.5 years later grin

NAB09 Sun 08-Feb-09 16:36:55

My hubby prefers not to talk about my births as for two of them he thought he would lose me and the baby. He will listen though and it has really helped talking things over. Bit of a shock when he told me how bad things had got with DS2 when I asked him about having another baby though.sad

memoo Sun 08-Feb-09 16:37:33

this is a good piece

HeadFairy Sun 08-Feb-09 16:39:05

ooh mamaG, I wonder if that was me? It took me aaages to really get over the fact that I never saw ds as soon as he was born. I had a very strange detached feeling for months and months. Three months is definitely not long enough to get over these things. To be honest I wouldn't be too hard on your dh, he's seeing it from a totally different perspective, he has a healthy ds and dw. Men and women deal with things so differently, sounds to me like he's compartmentalised it and walked away from his feelings about it. I hope you get some support from the HV, it sounds arsey, but it's probably only the sort of thing a woman could understand fully.

memoo Sun 08-Feb-09 16:39:14

didn';t do a very good link (i have a pregnant custard brain) go to the beginning of the article I have linked to

Lulumama Sun 08-Feb-09 16:43:39

i was also upset by DS being handed to DH , fully dressed, wrapped in blankets with a hat on.

Sawyer64 Sun 08-Feb-09 16:43:59

Shame you can't go through it with a M/W as she'll understand the significance of why things went as they did.IMO a H/V won't be as knowledgeable.

I did this with my M/W,and found it a great help.She was able to interpret all the monitoring,and gave suggestions as to what the M/W at the birth would have been thinking.

I had no idea that the monitoring was indicating Placental Abruption,and thats why it was a real panic to get DD1 out.

To coin the american phrase I found real "closure" after I did this.

I hope it helps you in the same way.

NAB09 Sun 08-Feb-09 16:48:37

<Hijack>

lulumama, I think you might be of some use on General Health.

EachPeachPearMum Sun 08-Feb-09 16:48:46

3 months is NOT long enough- took me 2 years to get over DD's birth.
Do what you need to do MamaG, and I hope you heal soon.

Lulumama Sun 08-Feb-09 16:51:29

general health? will have a look... smile

Mummyfor3 Sun 08-Feb-09 16:55:32

MamaG, I hope DaddyG has not upset you too much. I agree with other posters, he is reacting in typical bloke fashion sad.
Do what you have to to make your peace with your delivery; it is important for your future health.

Who knows, he might come round hmm?

Guadalupe Sun 08-Feb-09 16:58:51

Dh wasn't there when my midwie spent an hour or so going through my birth notes with me, and he definitely wasn't 'there' when I relayed it to him in great detail!

He had found it traumatic too but just put it behind him. I needed to know every detail before I could move on.

TigerFeet Sun 08-Feb-09 17:06:35

I didn't have a traumatic birth with dd but I know for an ABSOLUTE CERTAIN FACT that if I had, my dh would react in very much the same way as yours has. He is the king of head in the sand and tb quite h it's his least redeeming feature hmm.

I'd do what you said - go ahead and have the review but don't discuss it with him unless he asks you how it went.

I hope you find it useful.

HeadFairy Sun 08-Feb-09 17:19:06

Tis a blokes way of dealing... as my old diving instructor used to say "put it in a box and walk away" but that's so not what women do.

MmeLindt Sun 08-Feb-09 17:19:47

I agree with Lulumama.

My DH said to me months after my emergency CS that it was the worst moment of his life. I was wheeled out of the delivery room into theater, with several midwives/doc already working on preparing me for the CS. He said it was like something out of ER, so rushed and frantic.

He said that in that moment of not knowing if I would be ok, if the baby would be ok, not knowing what would happen to him and to DD (who was only 2yo at the time). Even months later he got emotional talking about it. Not that we talked a lot about it but once or twice we did.

My guess it that the men have this feeling of having to be strong for their families, and find it more difficult to open themselves up to more pain. My DH is not the kind of guy who needs to talk over things again and again to come to terms with them. For this I have my girlfriends/mum/MN.

Perhaps it is better to accept this and just let him be?

MrsTittleMouse Sun 08-Feb-09 22:24:10

My DH didn't want to talk about it, and it turned out that he felt guilty. He knew the birth that I wanted and I got the birth that the doctor wanted and he felt that he had let me down. To be honest, I thought that he had let me down too. But then he thought that we both were going to die, and let's face it, that's a very strong motivator.

Bizarrely, one of the things that helped us out was having another baby, as it forced us to go through what had happened and how we were never going to let it happen again. The other thing that made a huge difference was me getting counselling on the NHS (referred by my GP). It was so useful to talk to an outsider about it all. I went to her during my next pregnancy too.

MamaG Mon 09-Feb-09 09:40:24

Thanks for your replies. Having slept on it, I am def going to go ahead as I really feel I need to. I just need to accept that this is his way of dealing with it - he found it very difficult as well.

My way of dealing with ANYTHING is to confront it head on and discuss it, analyse it etc until it is clear in my head - DH does not deal with stuff liek that, he deals with it in his own way and just because it isn't the same way I do, it doesn't mean its not right, does it?

I wasn't quite clear in OP, I discussed it with HV but am going to go through it with the MW who was with me throughout the labour (well, the last 8 hours of it anyway!) in a couple of weeks. She's on annual leave at the mo and I could have seen one of the other MWs who was with me during the labour, but I liked her the best, she really listened to me when I said something was wrong and she was the one who insisted they didn't dress BabyG until I'd come round and had skin to skin with him. I discussed it with my (fantastic) HV first as I didn't really know how to go about it

I will talk about it to my heart's content on here and let DH leave it in the past grin

Monkeytrousers Mon 09-Feb-09 09:47:03

My partner found the birth very traumatic and really can't discuss it without falling apart. I think men would do anything rather than relive such trauma. Try not to see it as him not supporting you, juts him trying to support himself while letting you do what you need to do. He's being honest about his feelings and in the end you have to accetp that without predjudice, I think - just as he has to accprt yours. But you still are two seperate individuals.

MamaG Tue 10-Feb-09 12:06:12

Thanks MT

I think I've been a bit selfish, expecting him to be all talky talky with me when I know he hates discussing it. Good to be reminded that we deal with stuff differently and I shouljd respect that

<bakes apology cake for DH>

LouIsAHappyLittleVegemite Tue 10-Feb-09 12:16:37

I am not sure if the helps but my mum had my brother 17 years ago, along with a HUGE heammorhage, emergency CS, clinically dead for 3 mins and 3 weeks in ICU. She never had any counselling. Went bonkers and was diagnosed with PTSD. She is still upset about it nearly 18 years later. Its ruined our family. Get Help Now!!!! It is the best for you and your family. Please talk about it as much as you can.

MamaG Tue 10-Feb-09 12:20:34

Sorry to hear that lou - I'm ok about it I guess, I don't think about it all the time and cry or anything, ikt just niggles at me IYKWIM

I have to ring the MW on Sunday to arrange a day to go see her

Sycamoretree Tue 10-Feb-09 12:25:16

MamaG - I feel sad for you. DD is 3.5 now and I am still not wholly over how she came into the world.

Do go through things with the HV, but also, if you could, consider talking it through with a counsellor or therapist. There are some that are specifically trained to deal with things like birth trauma.

A friend sent me a therapist (to my house!) - it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done. I was a bit hmm to start with as she practised that emotional freedom technique which I wasn't really that up for, but it didn't matter....just talking it through and starting on the road of acceptance was enormously helpful.

She stayed 4 hours...she didn't go until I could say that I completely and utterly accepted myself without bursting into tears half way through the sentence....

Sounds mad doesn't it, but I couldnt' say it. And I didn't even realise I felt like that - that I had failed so utterly.

Good luck. It's a process, but you need to give it the space and attention it deserves.

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