Parent making complaints about my DC

[ShapeShiftedForThis]

I posted a thread on secondary school but see I was in the wrong place and hoping for some more helpful tips.

My DC started secondary school with a few of his peers from a small village school. The new school is huge and the DC were put into classes with some of their old peers. My DC hit the ground running and expanded his friendships and loves the new independence etc. He is doing really well. One of his previous school friends is not having a great time with the transition to secondary and is taking it out on my DS. He has been going home to his parents and saying my DS has made comments or given him a look and the parents have made a number of complaints about my DS. In the school's words "they made so many complaints they had to do something about it". They moved my DC away from the DC and have had a few meetings with him where they have disciplined him.

Apparently, my DC has made 3 comments to him over the course of a year when they are in the same class, working together. The comments are things like "get a grip", "for god's sake" and things like that. The most recent discipline was when my DS apparently laughed at him. I ask you if your tween DS was sitting next to someone for a year and travelling to and from school on the bus with him for 30 mins, and made 3 comments like this and gave 1 laugh at something stupid he did, do you really think this is a bullying issue? Just to repeat, it is 4 things in total over 1 year. The parent has even confirmed that it is 4 things over this time. I am not minimising.

So, from what I understand from the FT, they do not think my DC is a bully and they are quite at a loss to explain it. The other parent seems to have it in for my DS and is constantly emailing the school about him. I actually think this is a deflection from the real problem, which is that their own DC needs help and he has received poor parenting, which is what we all witnessed in our previous school.

I now think this parent needs to be told to stop, or I need to do something about this as a parent myself as I think my DC is being bullied.

WWYD about this?

[Finfintytint]

I think your child needs to realise that making unhelpful comments to the child will attract attention and generate complaints.

[ShapeShiftedForThis]

Yes, he knows that Fin. The comments are limited to 3 in a year. He has already been told to not do this and stay away from the DC. These 3 comments were made over 6 months ago. The parents are still going after him now though. Apparently, my DC laughed at something he did recently, once in 6 months and now he is in trouble again.

My DC has been told not to make comments and he hasn't. The issue here is actually that these parents are not letting this go and it is not a serious case of bullying. In fact, their DS has done way more to mine than vice versa and I've not complained to the school as I know my DC is resilient enough not to let comments from other boys get to him.

[Navilana]

Hi OP,

I don't think those comments are bullying by default. Maybe this other child has more problems and those comments were the proverbial drop/bucket?

You said "So, from what I understand from the FT, they do not think my DC is a bully and they are quite at a loss to explain it."
Has the school also sat down with the other child? They should definitely invite him over for a chat. Both with his parents, and alone. Maybe there are indeed underlying issues, that the school can then address.

Does the school have an anti-bullying project already? IME, a lot of information and communication techniques (especially in conflict) are explored through workshops for teachers and students, so that might help the school with coping in the future. Or maybe they have other suggestions?

I would stay in contact with the school, even if only to check up from time to time.
Also, keep communication open with your son, so he understands you're in his corner.

I hope things stabilise soon.

[ShapeShiftedForThis]

Navilana, yes I am pretty sure the DC has other issues going on and especially at home.

I'm sorry for him, but I can't have my DC used as a whipping boy or scapegoat.

[Navilana]

Exactly, it seems from what you wrote, that his parents want more of a scapegoat, than actually get to the bottom of this situation with their own child.

Do you know if the school has spoken to this child?

[ShapeShiftedForThis]

I know they have had him in a few meetings with teachers but not sure what they were about.

It is quite hard for me to say to them that they need to deal with the source and see what his issues are otherwise no one is happy.

[Navilana]

It's good that there have been meetings with the other child too. It must be somewhat reassuring.

However, if they themselves admit that they don't know how to fix this, or even what the real issue is, it is (imho) very important that you voice your concerns.

They can't stick up their hands and go "we don't know what the real issue is!", schools have a priority to safeguard every student. They need to include all parties to come to a solution, which they appear to have done. The problem hasn't been solved, though. So they need to take a next step.

Does the UK have organisations that work with schools in case of bullying/behavioural development / academical development? (here we have student guidance centers) The school should contact them. But tbh, they should have done this after continuous mails from parents, anyway.

Otherwise, I fear the only other thing you can do, is make the school aware of the fact that, unless they provide you with proof that the matter is still ongoing, you consider this problem solved after speaking with your son, as he doesn't seem to be at the heart of the problem!

[ShapeShiftedForThis]

Thank you for your responses Navilana.

I am going to talk to the school about the points you mention. However, I do believe that this parent and her DC have a personal vendetta against my son. They were friends and now my son has moved on in secondary to be friends with other people. He hasn't done it in a nasty way. He is like a lot of boys in that he is friends with lots of people, with no one particular as the best mate. As said, I have clarified with the school about my DS's behaviour and they are not concerned about him. In fact, they think he is a very capable student who is doing really well and is the first to help his peers. There is no evidence that he has bullied anyone and even his FT said she doesn't get it. He has never been in trouble with the school apart from this.

This is keeping me awake at night. If I am not getting anywhere with my FT, not because I don't have her support, but I think she's at a loss with it, and the year head/ pastoral care are listening to the other parent and acting on what they are being told, without asking for our side of the story, what is my next step?

I think I need to escalate this up the chain. Would I be in my rights to make a formal complaint about this parent? Or, should I be doing something else?

Sorry for all the Q's. I am at a loss here and I feel my DS has been thrown under a bus.

[Navilana]

I'm not sure I can be of any help since I'm not in the UK.

Why doesn't the school meet all the parents involved?
Also, I don't know if you would need to make a complaint towards the school or the specific parent.

What I suggest you do, is ask your FT (what does this mean, a formal helping teacher in secondary school?) what HER next step is. She is linked to the school and works with them and your child, yes?

Seems she is at a loss indeed (or doesn't grasp the importance of this matter), maybe point out that this ongoing issue will not go away and that she needs to address this further. If not, you will.

I had a look at parentzone.org.uk/article/top-tips-if-your-child-being-bullied and a lot of their tips don't apply on this situation, but they do advise to take the matter to the School Governors if the school doesn't take adequate measures.

I would
1/ ask the school to set up a meeting with the other parents at the school, with the year head/pastoral guidance/FT included. Set open the gates. They can't advise you if they don't include you. OR
2/ get email confirmation from FT and the school that this matter still hasn't been solved and what their next steps are (if they are too laid back, you can respond that you will have to take measures further.)

3/ contact school governors if 1/ isn't addressed or solved properly. Await the mails from 2/.

Sorry for the long replies. I understand the urge to act though, it's your child that's being labelled, while you are being kept out of conversations.

I honestly cannot believe the FT and the year head contradict each other. How do they expect you to find anything like that helpful?

[Navilana]

Maybe also copy your OP into another section, to get some more people to inform you, with possibly UK guidelines?

Seeing I'm in Belgium, they are drastically different here. I've already had to flag problems in the classroom before, (erroneous and slow communication seem to be a priority here ), but luckily had several places to go to with my concerns.

[Easterbunnygettingready]

Sounds to me like the other parent wants to generate the thinking that your ds is a dc to be kept away from thus losing his mates. Then maybe her ds can make more..
School have odd ideas of bullying ime.. Ds year 10 moved his mate's bag from under his desk to the back of the classroom. I got a call to collect ds for his behaviour..

[ShapeShiftedForThis]

Thank you, you have been very helpful.
FT is short for Form Teacher. They are the main point of contact.

[NoSquirrels]

If I am not getting anywhere with my FT, not because I don't have her support, but I think she's at a loss with it, and the year head/ pastoral care are listening to the other parent and acting on what they are being told, without asking for our side of the story, what is my next step?

Well surely you complain that you feel your child is being scapegoated and that you would like a meeting with the year head/pastoral lead and the FT to discuss the issue.

[WorkingItOutAsIGo]

I would make a formal complaint to the school about the harassment by the other parent.

[SabrinaMorningstar]

Have any of the other parents in the friendship group mentioned the dynamic between the two boys? Because something isn't adding up and I think you need to dig a bit deeper to find out the reality of the situation.
If your DS was being subjected to unwarranted complaints, the school wouldn't bring it to your DS or you. Schools don't discipline DCs or call other parents just because one parent has a 'vendetta'.
The school may be minimising your DS' bad behaviour to you because they have an ineffective bullying strategy.
For your DS' sake you need to get to the bottom of it but that means being openminded enough to accept that your DS may be the problem. You need to have a zero tolerance policy towards his laughs and comments.
Friendships break down all the time especially with the shift to high school. That's to be expected. Bullying isn't ever to be expected or accepted.

[Number3BigCupOfTea]

My DD had an experience in her last year of primary school (in Ireland, so 12 years old, not 11) where the ''popular'' boy put on weight and when one of his chums said something mean, my DD laughed. All of the indignation and outrage was directed at my daughter. No coincidence that the boy's mother considered herself a very high status person and she considered me/my daughter as collateral. The real problem was that the boy felt upset and embarrassed about the weight he'd put on and he didn't want to lose his male friends, so he and his mother tried to brand my DD a bully. It took me a long time to get to the bottom of it because I knew that my DD wasn't a bully and yet here were all these pta types and entitled boys in her class all calling my quiet daughter a bully

It was obviously very upsetting for her and she still gets upset about it now 6 years later.

Let your child know that you're on their side and do not accept the school's narrative. They tend to believe the mothers they want to believe. In my case, I was up against this wealthy pta blonde jeep driving mother who wasn't exactly well-liked but she was extremely popular iyswim.

I am smarter than her though so the school heard me in the end but her son definitely scapegoated my DD. Not saying he had the emotional intelligence to understand that but that is still what he did.

Not my daughter's fault that he wasn't brave enough to tell his boy pals to shut up but he made it my daughter's problem.

[ShapeShiftedForThis]

being open-minded enough to accept that your DS may be the problem

I agree and this is the frustration I have. I am someone who won't tolerate bullying and that includes my own DC. To date, non of my DC have ever been pulled up on their behaviour towards another child.

Sabrina, I have spoken to the other parents, including people who are not my friends, but parents of my DS's peers. I approached them and asked them to be honest with me and I told them I needed to get my facts right before I say something. The feedback I was given from other parents via their DC was that my DC has done nothing and in fact, they said the other boy goads mine and he does nothing to retaliate. I then asked my form teacher and although reluctant to comment, did tell me she understands why I am upset, that she thinks my DS is well behaved and she doesn't know where this is coming from. I haven't mentioned this so far, but the parent has complained about other DC too, but not as much as mine. The boy who says he is being bullied has actually been in trouble at the school quite a bit because of his own very unacceptable behaviour.

My DS made 3 comments in the last year, the last one being 6 months ago. He was pulled up on his comments, which were actually taken out of context, and has not done it since because I have told him to stay away from the boy and he has done so.

Having gathered what facts I can, I have come to my own conclusion that he hasn't done anything bad enough to warrant this campaign.

[ShapeShiftedForThis]

Friendships break down all the time especially with the shift to high school

This is what has happened. They have moved from a tiny village school where they had no option but to be friends and then hit a place with over 1,000 students and my DS has made new friends and the other is struggling. This is reflected in his behaviour at the school and I can't believe they are not joining the dots.

[TheVanguardSix]

Being condescending makes other people feel bad about themselves. You get what you give in life. And the parents' accusations are a response to your son's behaviour towards their child, who is being made to feel unhappy by your son. Own that and help your DS be a better person.

If your son does not want to be accused of being a bully throughout high school, tell him to treat others as he himself would like to be treated.

[SabrinaMorningstar]

It's good you've spoken to other parents to find out their view of what's going on. I'd be a little uncomfortable that a child who had a friendship group now feels he's being bullied by more than one member of that group. Friendships shifting doesn't mean that old friends should be treated harshly, picked on or excluded.

But it's good that you've told your DS his comments and laughs aren't acceptable and that he should stay away from the other boy.
Really there's nothing more you can do. The school can't control the other parents. You won't gain anything by confronting the other parents. You need to focus on ensuring your child's behaviour is above reproach. That is the only part of this that is within your control.
fwiw 4 incidents over the course of a year would be classed as bullying in our school.

[Navilana]

@TheVanguardSix
Op already explained "These 3 comments were made over 6 months ago. The parents are still going after him now though."

I don't think those parents are letting go of the PAST issue, while there are numerous other ongoing problems that do not concern OP's child. Isn't that just blame shifting?

[doubleleopardy]

I don't think you should complain directly about the other parents but to the school and escalate if you need to. They are not managing this effectively and that's their job.
I know how hard it is to work with difficult and challenging parents but they have to take control of this and address the other parent's expectations and what is going on for this child.

[ShapeShiftedForThis]

Yes, they are rehashing past issues.

I know that I am not supposed to comment to the school about the other boy's behaviour but to me I think it is relevant. My DS is accused of comments he made to someone who at the time was one of his friends/ close classmates and so I think they have been taken out of context. So, for example. Saying "get a grip" on it's own sounds condescending and a bit off. However, being on a playdate with that child, having a nice time and saying "get a grip" over something is very different. By the way, this comment was not an issue at the time, it came up months later after they went their separate ways. My DS stopped hanging out with him, because of his behaviour, and now it is "well your DS did X,Yand Z".

My DS has made a few comments and I have dealt with it, even though I don't think he has done anything wrong TBH. My DS doesn't actually want any grief at school. However, this other boy has damaged school property, been physical and hurt a few of the other boys, and been in trouble for inappropriate online use. I actually think a lot of this is about the parents been contacted about their DC's behaviour and instead of dealing with it, they are saying "but what about Shapes DC, he said this....." and that my DS is a scapegoat. They are complaining about other DC but they know mine better and have more ammo on him as the others aren't from the previous school.

[Teardrop2021]

As a parent of a 12 year I suspect there is alot more than whats been discussed here and it maybe possible that you're child may or may not be the instigator here but is clear that there more than meets the eye.

[NoSquirrels]

He was pulled up on his comments, which were actually taken out of context, and has not done it since because I have told him to stay away from the boy and he has done so.

Are you saying the school is currently disciplining your DS without reason, due to the other parents complaining? If so - if they are currently disciplining him and he’s done nothing wrong because he’s been staying away from this kid (which his FT agrees with), then yes complain.

But if it’s just that the other parents are complaining to the school about your DS but the school accept your DC is not in the wrong and so are not acting on these complaints, I’m not sure even how you know about it?

I have clarified with the school about my DS's behaviour and they are not concerned about him. In fact, they think he is a very capable student who is doing really well and is the first to help his peers.

So he’s not in trouble with school?