Am i alone? Secret breastfeeding?

[youwontlast]

Okay so it's not top secret but here's my story. I have name changed.

DD is 8 weeks old, well almost 9, when she was born she was very sleepy and didn't want to feed/latch. After trying to make her bf for 24 hours the midwife told me i had to force feed her a bottle or she would end up on a drip. My parents and IL's who are not too keen on bfing anyway thought this was for the best. Breasts shouldn't be on show, you don't know if they are getting enough milk, you might make fil uncomfortable, blablabla. I bf my ds for 5 months but had to leave the room if visiting family or ils.

So 6 days after having my dd, my breasts were so full and sore i thought i'd try again, and she latched like a dream and i have been bfing ever sinse. BUT no one knows. Well i think no one knows. My dp knows, my sister knows, but that is it i think (and all you on here know). Once my fil was about to walk into my bedroom when i was feeding but only half walked in so i'm not sure if he knows. but no one has mentioned it.

I spoke to my MW about wanting to breast feed but she just said - if you want - she didn't offer support or anything so i didn't discuss it again, and the health visitor just asks me if she is feeding well and i say yes. She is putting on weight well and is above average. So even the HV doesn't know, i just felt that the mw offered me no support so i felt kind of embarrassed to tell the hv.

I know i probably sound off my head. And you all might guess who i am from what i've said already. But i need your help. It is getting to the stage where i am out and about more and visiting people.

My il's stay about 30 miles away so we usually stay over when visiting. How do i break out the boob and feed if no one actually knows lol.

[thumbwitch]

dear me, lovey, don't fret so! It's your choice to bf your baby, no one has any say in it so long as your baby is putting on weight and doing nicely, thank you.

If you are worried about the boob in public thing, then go off into the bedroom to feed (I always did at my Dad's house, didn't feel right somehow for him to see me bf'ing, because we were always a very private sort of family)

You probably should mention it to your HV but really, your ILs' opinion is neither here nor there. Just carry on the way you are!

[Booyhoo]

i would just start feeding her the next time they are there (preferably after one of them has commented on how well she is doing/thriving) and say "oh, didnt you know? she's doing really well isnt she?"

and well done you for persevering without support. this tells me that you have the strength to face up to your family and tell them you are feeding your baby the way you choose.

[esselle]

Nope I don't know who you are.

Anyway please don't worry about what everyone else thinks - your baby, your choice! What do all of these people think your breast are for?

You are doing a marvelous job feeding your baby your inlaws views are very backward - imo!

[CMOTdibbler]

You are doing fantastically . Assign DH with the task of dealing with baby feeding related inquiries 'yes, it's fantastic that babyyouwon'tlast is bfing, she's putting on weight marvellously y'know' is a good phrase.

Don't be ashamed of feeding your baby, it's your parents and PILs issue, not yours.

I treated my PILs issues in the same way as I regard their minor racism/xenophobia - mental eye rolling and ignoring it, then laughing about it with DH after

[tiktok]

youwontlast - I think your post is lovely, but so very, very sad....the insistence on formula on that first day (first day! WTF????), the lack of support from m/w and HV, and the utterly preposterous pressure and opinions from in-laws and parents

I think this seems less a problem about embarrassment about bf, and more a problem about being embarrassed to have done it in secret. It means your own feelings about being nervous and scared are revealed, rather than the breastfeeding being revealed....IYKWIM.

I echo the other posters. Just do it. You bf your first so it can hardly come as a surprise to them you prefer to bf. If there is a comment, 'oh, I thought the baby was on the bottle?' you can just say, 'well he was for a short while, but I wanted to bf, so just went back to it.'

Your DH can support you in this.

Good luck!

[chandellina]

you don't own anyone explanations - just keep doing what you're doing and go in a private room if it's more comfortable at your in-laws.
"they don't like it" - tough luck!

[row78]

heh, I think you are bonkers (in a nice way) :-)

Just wack them out when she needs a feed, if someone says "ooo, are you breastfeeding now?", just wack a really large grin on your face and reply "yes, luckily we managed to get it started again after 6 days" and carry on. You know the reasons why you want to breastfeed, I'm sure they won't interrogate you but if they do use them.

My fil told me the other month that I needed to stop breastfeeding. I just looked straight at him and barked "WHY?". None of his business, he has no say in how my baby feeds, it almost made me want to feed longer to piss him off.

[row78]

sorry, should explain bonkers remark in case you think you I'm being nasty.

You rock! You managed to get breastfeeding restarted all on your own, with no support at all, do you know how hard that is? Now surely admitting that you are breastfeeding is a walk in the park in comparison? People are funny about breastfeeding, you'll never change their mind so just don't worry about it. Good luck!

[GreenMonkies]

Just do it.

If they comment smile and ignore them.

If they make you feel bad or uncomfortable leave, and don't go back.

And Well Done!!!!!!!

[bronze]

I would take great delight in waiting for people to say how well shes doing then feeding her.

My mum had to hide the fact from her hv all those years ago. They thought she was feeding 4 hourly bottles when in fact she was breastfeeding.

I had to fight to feed my dd. Noone believed she could do it so we lied to them and carried on but it was different circumstances.

Well done

[StealthPolarBear]

well done!!!
is it mainly the ILs you are nervous of telling?

can your dp & sister be there for your first public feed??

[GeeWhizz]

Just keep going with the breastfeeding.

Just get up when you need to feed and announce "DD needs her breast milk now"

Or just sit and feed where you are if you feel comfortable.

[RockinSockBunnies]

Well, I'm contrary so I would happily feed in front of anyone, regardless of what they thought. I guess if you're in your IL's home, then you in theory have to go along with their weird wishes if they want you to feed discreetly (i.e. go into another room). If they ask where you're going, just tell them.

But anywhere else, I wouldn't care what people thought!

Well done for persevering

[Booyhoo]

"you rock"

totaly second that.

[youwontlast]

hey, thank you all for the replies! amazing.

The thing is (lol this may make me seem even more bonkers) I do bf in public. I have done in a cafe, on the train (on the way to il's) and even in church on sunday there. No one even batted an eyelid.
I expressed to take to il's, so i guess they just assumed it was formula.
There is a pump usually in the kitchen so they would have all seen it. I think they just prefer to ignore it.
I remember everyone saying to 'change' ds milk when he was a baby, because he clearly didn't like it. He had a rash and my mil suggested it was his milk.
I just don't know why i didnt even tell my hv - i mean she would be posative right?

[cory]

Your ILs are seriously bonkers!

[row78]

heh,

you're 8 weeks in, you're totally exhausted, no sleep in sight. In a few months you will look back and wonder what on earth you was thinking. Of course your hv will be supportive! At worst she won't be negative.

I wouldn't even go to the in laws if I had to sit in another room to feed. If they have a problem then sod them, they can come to me, and get over it.

[Builde]

Your poor person. Here you are doing the right thing when everyone around you is loopy.

But, in the early stages, it's hard to laugh at these things.

[sunshiney]

totally agree with row78 - you will look back and wonder what you worried about.

you are doing the best for your baby so if others have strange ideas that's their problem, not yours!

[StealthPolarBear]

when you get her weighed, just say "did i mention, got breastfeeding re-established & it's going really well"

[TheMightyToosh]

Just to offer another perspective, would you personally be comfortable bf-ing in front of your ILs or is that part of what makes you nervous about telling them?

Me personally, I always went in a different room to bf, just because I myself was not comfortable with it, not because of anything they said or did. It was just me, I wasn't keen on doing it in front of other people, but that didn't stop me doing it for a full year.

Anyway, my point is that if you are comfortable with it, I would just do it and be proud of what you have achieved, as everyone else has said.

If, however, you'd prefer still not to do it front of them, then you could still tell them and be proud, but retreat to your bedroom for a private feed if that's what you prefer to do.

Agree though, your ILs sound bonkers!

[StealthPolarBear]

agree - if you'd rather not it also saves you having to make small talk

[shonaspurtle]

Not the same situation, but I secretly bf ds for about a month after dh & my mother thought I'd stopped. I was gutted by the lack of support to continue past 12 months from my previously supportive family but I gave in at 14 months(shamefully, luckily ds wasn't that bothered). Continued to bf him about once a day when noone else was around for a few weeks.

Weird how something that's really just about you and your baby becomes about other people.

[GreenMonkies]

"I remember everyone saying to 'change' ds milk when he was a baby, because he clearly didn't like it. He had a rash and my mil suggested it was his milk. "

Well, that's what you did!!

[jaggythistle]

"I treated my PILs issues in the same way as I regard their minor racism/xenophobia - mental eye rolling and ignoring it, then laughing about it with DH after"

CMOTD I think your PIL are the same as mine! I have to grit my teeth every time MIL is on about some call centre she has been phoning and she couldn't understand what they were saying grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Luckily my son has put on loads of weight so they have now changed from ' is he getting enough milk' to 'is it normal for him to feed/poo that often?' He is only 7 weeks old...

I am still hiding in the baby's room feeding - I am more worried about feeding in front of people I know than strangers!