Feeling very sad about my failure ( long, sorry.)

[tearfulmumtonight]

to breastfeed my little DS2 past 6 weeks. And even then, I mix fed him from day 5. And I just want to tell someone about it, because thinking about it is making me sob tonight. With DS1 the same thing happened. I never had enough milk, though I fed him like a maniac, rested, ate, drank loads of water, took fenugreek, didn't eat lentils or sage, had accupuncture, had reflexology, saw 3 breast feeding advisors, read every thing going, expressed, expressed, expressed etc etc. And same this time, with DS2 and I took Domperidone. I just feel this terrible sense of inadequacy. In ten or twenty years time I think I am still going to feel terrible that I couldn't breastfeed either of them properly. I felt so humiliated taking a bottle out to put into his poor little mouth in the park today, so utterly crap. I feel as if nothing will ever make up for this, and my breasts are aching as if they need to be emptied but I know from bitter and exhaustive experience that even with all the above, both my sons were happy while they were on the breast but screaming for more milk 3-10 minutes later ( after up to an hour breastfeeding.) This is a ramble, but I just need to get it out. I have had so much support on here and I am very grateful. I know the most important thing is feeding my baby but I am so regretful that my body couldn't manage it.

[NormaStanleyFletcher]

I am really sorry that I don't do hugs



See, the thing is, you are so much better than me. I did do BF, but for me it was easy. You really tried.

Don't beat yourself up

Someone better than me will be along in a minute though

[laura032004]

I'm so sorry for you

You have tried so hard for your DS's, and remember how much good any amount of breastmilk does for them.

Sure somebody else will come along with more words of wisdom soon {{{{{{big hugs}}}}}}}

[oregonianabroad]

My heart goes out to you, it really does.

This may sound like a crazy suggestion, but if you want to share that closeness, keep putting him on the breast occasionally?

and no matter what, you mustn't beat yourself up for this. in a few short months your baby will be eating solids and then putting god knows what into his mouth for the rest of his life. Obviously you are a concerned and caring mum or you wouldn't have tried so hard, I'm sure you will put that same energy into other aspects of mothering and do a wonderful job.

[fishie]

oh dear please don't cry. what would make you feel better? to feel secure in your choice? we can do that. or are you really sure this is it? would you like to continue, perhaps there is a way??

[absandme]

ok,there's a tear in my eye too!!

Well done for managing 6wks, it's a lot more than a lot of people have managed!! You've done really well.

Have you put your ds on the breast as you said they need emptying?

Are you going to stop now or grin & bear it a little longer?

Huggles from me too!

[laura032004]

Look at this to see all the good six weeks of bm has done for your baby

[berolina]

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad.

How very, very well you have done. Your boys have had that all-important very first mummy milk, it will have done them so much good. What a fabulous mother you are.

I know something of how you feel. My ds was mixed fed for his first four weeks, and spent several of those refusing my breast. I was convinced I was going to 'fail' at bf, and it really, really did feel like staring into the abyss. We did get there in the end - I know I am very, very lucky.

I don't like to ask this if it will upset you further, but have you stopped completely now, and might you like to talk to a bf counsellor about maybe trying to carry on? You can talk to bf counsellors about bad or 'unsuccessful' (cr*p word - after all, you have been successful at giving your boys breastmilk, although not as long as you would have liked) bf experiences too, if you feel it might help.

[cluelessnchaos]

Oh god I know what you mean, the shame I used to feel bottling in mothercare feeding room, with other mums bfing, can still feel it, You know you have done everything for you baby you can and you said itself your boys were happy on the breast and took from it what they could and then you used your brain to do what you needed to do for them, I absolutely commend you for doing what you can for them, for letting off the pressure by venting here and letting other people know that its not always easy, three cheers for you.

[kathrynharriet]

Hi, I understand how you feel, i have just had my 3rd baby and once again failed to breast feed. Like you i have tried everything but only ever manage around 3 mins each side or 20mls expressed. With my ds1 he was admitted to the hospital on day 6 with dehydration/jaundice and put on a drip for 48 hours. With my 2 DD i have always had to top up with formula. I think I will always look back and feel sad for the failure. But all 3 are v.happy and healthy now!
I never have been told why I couldn't breast feed and the doc/midwifes haven't ever been able to give me an answer.

[mustrunmore]

Please dont feel sad. If you carry on, you may be just on the vere of cracking it. But if you want to stop, stop. Or keep doing half and half. Do whatever feels ok with you.

From experience... bottlefed ds1 after 6 weeks of trying ang failing to bf and part bottle feeding etc etc..was gutted at the time. But now it all seems to far away, and he hasnt suffered from having formula.
Breastfed ds2 very easily for 10 months... total suprise to us all after the ds1 experience......loved doing it... but thats all in the past too.

Its such a short stage of life; its really not worth any guilt or tears. you try, you make the most of whatever you can do and want to do. Then the next trial comes along!

[tearfulmumtonight]

Thank you all very much - making me cry more. Absandme and Fishie - I think I am going to call it a day now, yes. Probably I;ll never know quite why the milk has never really come but I ll just have to live with it. Ironically at 6 weeks perhaps - when the sheer agony ( badly bleeding nipples etc - much, much worse pain than the birth, and due to me not positioning properly, arrgh) is gone. I could put him to my breast, he likes it so much but it's now just so unsatisfactory for me, and I am at the point where ther is very little milk there. (Reading that it sounds very selfish, but if you have ever tried to continue breastfeeding with insufficient milk for a long time ( amazingly - still - to me I mixed fed DS1 for 9 months, and almost wore myself and my breasts out in the process with feeding and expressing and preparing feeds etc) is ultimately rather depressing. There is a fruitless, dry sucking feeling about it, like trying to get water out of an empty glass. It feels like pretending to be able to do something. Laura, I will look at your link and Berolina, I think that speaking to someone is a good idea , and I think I know the person, the hospital breastfeeding advisor. I know I will just burst into tears but perhaps I need to. Oh the guilt. I am going to continue co-sleeping with my lovely little DS2 and hope that we manage to keep the closeness and that he doesn't try and find my breast in the night. I think crying about it is probably going to help in the long run. DOn't know why it's suddenly happened tonight, I thought I would feel relief. Thanks all of you, you have really helped. I will print these messages out and keep them and apologies for the incoherent rambling xxx

[TaLcYBuRlEsQuE]

tearful...not much else to say.....i agree with all that has been said!
I made myself a nervous wreck trying to bf dd1...managed about 4 days...she's 8 now and i am glad i made the decision to swop to bottle...happy mum made happy baby!
Littlelapin speaks words of wisdom....take care

[TaLcYBuRlEsQuE]

tearful...not much else to say.....i agree with all that has been said!
I made myself a nervous wreck trying to bf dd1...managed about 4 days...she's 8 now and i am glad i made the decision to swop to bottle...happy mum made happy baby!
Littlelapin speaks words of wisdom....take care

[cluelessnchaos]

You are right have a good bawl, you have been working really hard and you need to let some of that emotion out. You are not being selfish and I know that feeling when you gear yourself up to feed against all odds.

[moondog]

'but it's now just so unsatisfactory for me'

What do you mean by that?

Who have you seen? From what organisations?
If you tell us we may be able to guide you in another direction.

I'm so sorry you feel bad. It's not an easy think for most of us to get right.It took me a lot of time nad pain and tears,it really did.

If you are ready to give up then you have given it a great shock and have no reason to feel anything but proud.

If you want to talk it through a bit for us to try and trouble shoot,fire away...

[miranda3]

Just seen your post and had to respond. I had exactly the same wtih my DS1 - felt awful and got severe PND. Not too bad with DS2 but stopped after about 3 months as was returning to work. But have decided - if we have another, I'm not even going to try. I know its best, I know its meant to be easy, I know its not meant to hurt, but sod it - if I go for no.3 they are deliberately going to be bottlefed. I'll have earnt my mum points by then!

[StealthPolarBear]

so sorry to read this
you should be proud at sticking with it for as long as you did and trying everything you possibly could, as well as looking after a tiny baby!
Surely all it proves is that you will do your very best (and then some!) for your DSs and that will go on for the next 20+ years when milk feeds are a distant memory - in ten or 20 years time you will have new worries and lots of reasons to feel proud of them and hopefully yourself!
I hope your name is a name change for one night only

[Elsbells]

Tearful
Totally understand what you are feeling...I have had a similar experience with DD (she's my 2nd child though, probs w/DS first time round too). It is absolutely heartbreaking and the sobbing that we go through feel depressed and gutted about being unable to do something we really really wanted to do.

With DD (nearly 14 weeks now) I spent my early weeks setting my alarm throughout the night to express, buying domperidone every 2 days for weeks, herbal rememdies, replacing weetabix with oatabix, going to so many BF cafes/support groups etc.

I have now pretty much stopped BF all together (well bar a couple comfort feeds a day - more for me) and I am still crying about it. But I am crying less and less about it.

And the older she is getting the less embarrassed I feel about using a bottle (it feels so shameful for some reason and you feel like you have to explain yourself).

But you know what, we will be ok! It is like mourning and it does get better with time.

And how fab - your DC got 6 weeks more BM than some babies ever get.

Pls let me know how you get on.

I feel like I am talking to someone who has been where I have been (and still am)

[Peachy]

You are NOT a failure by any means, quite the reverse: desp[ite ahrsship and problems you ahve fought to do what's best in your opinion for your child.

Neither of my first two fed well, both ended up on the bottle. DS3 fed until he was 16 months. I did NOTHING different- it was just what happened. far mroe important is that theya re fed, happy, comforted and you are too.

Put the episode down to experience, give your baby a huge hug and move on. A bottle given by a happy mother imo is far, far better than a breastfeed from a heartbroken one.

[tori32]

Oh tearful I can really empathise with you on this. I had the same sort of experience. Please try not to let this get you down and stop you enjoying your lo. Is your ds1 healthy? Has the bottle feeding caused any problems? If the answer is no, which I suspect it is, you have not failed. You have done everything you could to continue, it just wasn't satisfying him. Its far better to have a satisfied ds than one who is always hungry and crying. That isn't enjoyable for anyone concerned. You gave him 6 weeks and even though it wasn't exclusive it doesn't matter, he still got the goodness from what you gave him. Try to stay positive.

[Iklboo]

Tearful - I had to switch DS to bottle early too. He's now a strapping, healthy, happy toddler. Don't be too harsh on yourself. It's not your fault. It's the love & cuddles & everything else that you give them through their lives that will make you a great mum

[macneil]

Tearfulmum, I went through months feeling the way you're feeling - from humiliation to inadequacy to guilt, and just extreme sadness. The breastfeeding counsellors I spoke to about it made me feel even worse, telling me I wasn't expressing often enough in the day (I pumped for an hour at a time up to 8 times a day) and that I wasn't trying the baby on the breast every time so I was bound to fail. There weren't enough hours in the day to pump, try my baby at the breast until she screamed and pushed away from me (the feeling of rejection is horrible), and prepare formula and feed her. Sleep was out of the question. With this kind of exhaustion, your emotional state doesn't have a chance!

It is not uncommon to have a poor supply of breastmilk and shouldn't make you feel guilty - as littlelapin says perfectly. Having gone through the most miserable months and reading everything I could about formula because I felt I'd done something very bad, I am now - finally - really very tralala about formula and don't feel guilty about giving it to my baby at all. I hope you feel this way a little earlier than 20 years from now. There's no way anyone can tell the difference between a formula fed and a breastfed 40 year old. I know - honestly - that that isn't why one grieves so much about not producing enough milk, but you should feel okay about going ahead with the best feeding you can manage and stop punishing yourself. Good luck! There are lots of us taking bottles out in the park and no one is judging.

[tearfulmumtonight]

Every time I look here there are more lovely messages making me feel SO MUCH better. I have been crying a lot - sure hormones are at play too and my breasts are feeling quite tender but i am not going to go back to try for another feed because of all the reasons i ( and so many of you list above..)It is very, very comforting to know I am not alone and that others have wept for the same reasons. to anyone else in my situation, i hope you would feel you could vent here. it has really helped me. my little DS is feeding fine on formula and i just need to keep looking into his big dark staring eyes and reassure us both that the bottle of formula is doing him good too. he is certainly growing fine. BLESS YOU ALL xx

[Peachy]

macneil a breastfeeding counsellor who said you were bound to fail in ANY context whatsoever should be removed from her position! have done some breast support training (Unicef, not anything posh) and much of that was on positive communication- grrrr at that person.

AS I said, ds3 fed wella nd long, but ds1 and ds2 didn't. Am expecting dc4. For the first time I am in complete equilibrium about giving formula if the breast doesn't work for us. We should be grateful we have formula as an option to fall back on, along with clean water and sterilisation, not sit in judgement of people who have broken their hearts over what is, in relaity, just one of many many decisions they will amke re their dc's over the first 18 years or so.