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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

daughters nans funeral

46 replies

metmoo · 28/04/2009 23:42

my daughters nan died at the weekend at the age of 86 after 49 happy years of marriage, my daughter who is 9 has taken it well considering and wishes to see nan and put a couple of special things in the coffin she also did this when my dad died 2 years ago. but her grandad has said the registrar or somebody has said she cant do this as she is too young and would be upset, grandad is going along with this but he is very raw obviously at present, my daughter really wants to see nan before her final journey she is going to the funeral but feels the need to say goodbye properly do i take her anyway to see nan in the chapel or go against her and take that away from her i feel its part of grieving and closure and i want to repect her wishes and dont want to upset her grandad anymore than he is now

OP posts:

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Tortington · 28/04/2009 23:50

grandad comes first. your daughter will get over it.

he certainly doesn't need this petty shit at the moment

sorry

piscesmoon · 29/04/2009 00:07

I would put Grandad first-think of some other way for your DD.

metmoo · 29/04/2009 00:16

i dont see my daughter as being petty she is grown up for her age and didnt get to say goodbye to her nan so i find that a bit offensive

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 29/04/2009 00:28

At funerals you need to be kind to the living-if she is grown up for her age she should be able to see that it isn't a time for her to put her wants first. Think of some other way to say goodbye.

lottiejenkins · 29/04/2009 18:59

custardo...........perhaps a little tact is in order?? your response wasnt very sensitive.................

Twims · 29/04/2009 19:01

Agree wirth Custardo and Piscesmoon - think of another way to "commemorate" Gran but let him have his wishes respected.

FabulousBakerGirl · 29/04/2009 19:03

I am sorry for your loss. Is it a step parent that has died?

I think Grandad is maybe going along with what the the registrar has said as he can't think straight at the moment.

I don't think it is up to the registrar to say yes or no but I do think you have to respect Grandad's wishes.

Greensleeves · 29/04/2009 19:04

Is it her grandad's personal wish that she not see her, or is he just not wanting the hassle of arguing with the registrar about it? If the latter then maybe you could speak to the registrar yourself and explain your dd's situation.

I don't think her wish to say goodbye is petty or insignificant. She's lost somebody she loved. I don't understand why people assume that children's grief is skin-deep

HecatesTwopenceworth · 29/04/2009 19:04

I think you have to respect her grandad's wishes, tbh. She doesn't need to see a dead body to say goodbye and you can help her to see that. She can still give some things to be put in the coffin on her behalf, and maybe she could release a balloon, or do something to say goodbye. I just don't think her grandad needs conflict at this difficult time.

PortoPandemico · 29/04/2009 19:04

I would put grandad first too. Could your dd ask his opinion of what nan would like or would that be too hard for him? Agree you can find another way to say goodbye.

helsbels4 · 29/04/2009 19:05

I don't agree that your dd is being petty or that she shouldn't see her nan.
I certainly wouldn't push it on her and tbh, I'm not sure I'd encourage it but if she has already seen her grandad in that manner and she is sure she wants to see her nan that way then I would personally speak to grandad and explain how she feels.
I'm not sure it's his place to say who can and can't see his wife is it?

lottiejenkins · 29/04/2009 19:06

Thanks greensleeves..........i was thinking the same thing..... children grieve the same as adults and i should know.......My ds has lost his dad, grandad and male carer in the last eight years and i have had to be there for him!!!

FabulousBakerGirl · 29/04/2009 19:07

"I'm not sure it's his place to say who can and can't see his wife is it?"

Really?

Greensleeves · 29/04/2009 19:09

lottie this issue is quite close to me too, because when I was 7 my little brother died while I was on holiday - by the time I got home he had been buried, all his belongings gone form the house and our teachers had been told that we didn't want to talk about it - if we were upset, we were trespassing on my mother's private grief

I don't think you should go in like a bull in a china shop and trample her grandad's feelings - and I'm sure you wouldn't!! but if there is any way a solution can be found that respects the feelings of both bereaved people, that would be better IMO than just telling your dd she can't work through her loss in her chosen way.

travellingwilbury · 29/04/2009 19:11

I can't imagine that the funeral director has got a ruling on age , I am sure it is generally left to the family to decide who goes and who doesn't .

Is there any way you can speak to grandad again and explain what your daughter would like to do . Is there any way he would be just saying she is not allowed as he doesn't want her to feel pressured into going .

I do feel it's important if she really wants to see her nan that she is able to .

Greensleeves · 29/04/2009 19:12

sorry to have hijacked with my god-awful sob-story - just trying to relate to how the little girl will feel...

travellingwilbury · 29/04/2009 19:16

I am so sorry you were put through that greensleeves , people do sometimes think that it is easier for children if death is hidden but generally I have found the oppopsite to be true

metmoo · 29/04/2009 19:32

have spoken to dds dad -my ex and its him that has said he doesnt want her to see nan as she,ll have been gone 2 weeks and she wont look the same , i know this isn.t the case as we saww my dad on day of funeral 2 wweeks after he died and he looked peaceful and just the same as he did when alive we said goodbye and my daughter held his hand and yes it helped us grieve my daughter is upset that her dad has said no and beiing very headstrong like her nan its very difficult to explain to her why she cant see nan even though me and ex split when dd was 7 weeks old we still get on as i did with grandparents my dd is closer to her grandad than she is to her dad though exuse all the rambling

OP posts:

PortoPandemico · 29/04/2009 19:36

I agree with travellingwilbury. My mother died at a young age and I hated the fact that no-one ever talked about her afterwards. I realise it was upsetting for them, but I found it quite bewildering not to be able to discuss my feelings with anyone.

Even to this day, in cases where friends/family are suffering serious illness, I feel almost paralysed. Don't know what to do, what to say, want to run away from the issue. It's kind of like illness and death were totally taboo as I grew up, and as an adult i never learnt the skills to deal with it.

piscesmoon · 29/04/2009 19:36

You don't have to hide it and she can still find a special way to say goodbye-just help her come to a different way that respects everyone's wishes. You said earlier that she was grown up for her age so I am sure that she is capable of understanding.In reply to helsbels- of course it is his place-he is next of kin.

shabster · 29/04/2009 19:39

Difficult situation BUT I firmly believe that children grieve exactly like adults - their advantage is that they see the 'black and white' in everything and dont sink in the 'grey' bits inbetween like us adults.

When I lost my DS3 (aged 7) almost the entire school attended his funeral...they sang loudly and were genuinly interested in everything and many sobbed. I still see these children (now all in there early 20's) and not one of them has ever said 'I wish I hadnt gone to Matts funeral'

Im not sure what I would do in your situation...but I do know that total honesty with everyone concerned is vital.

As for the nasty earlier comments - ignore them - not worth worrying about in the great scheme of things.

frasersmummy · 29/04/2009 21:51

There are some heartless comments on here...

I think everyone handles grief in their own way whether 9 or 90 and I think everyone should be supported in their grieving process

I was going to say could you take your daughter to see her nan without telling her grandad but obviously I dont know your family .. wouldnt want to cause a family rift

Its very dificult... another option could perhaps for you to ask your daughter to express her wishes to her grandad in a "grown up way". It may sway him

I am sorry for your loss.. take care and time to aknowledge your own grief while looking out for everyone else

Tortington · 30/04/2009 01:19

greensleeves, i assume i am the people at least on this thread.

i said grandad doesn't need this petty shit.

i didn't say the mum was petty
the daughter was petty
or that children aren't allowed to grieve - and considering 90% of my extended family are dead - i am pretty well versed with having to cope with my grief, kids grief and even the grief of neighbours.

i am saying that grandad - doesn't need this petty shit if his wife of 49 years just died - to have to think - just cognitivley process the small things.

her grief isn't petty - but her grief isn't on the same richter scale as 49 years and randad doesn't need this shit - his life has probably just lost its meaning. his world has probably just ended.

and its a shame that the little girl has lost her nan, nans are great and very special - but its not even the same legue as 49 years of marriage...and anyone with any compassion would say to little girl that they understand she is sad and upset at the loss of her nana, and that they understand that she may like to put things in the coffin - and that an excellent idea. But grandad is just too upset to ask at the moment, and your sure that nanna would love it if you went to visit her now and again.

or something.

Tortington · 30/04/2009 01:27

in fact anyone with any compassion for the bereved wouldn't have to post a thread asking in the first place.

i am certain that most people can work it out for themselves - that it would be highly insensitive to bother grandad with questions like " can lucy put some stuff in nans coffin"

i bet its all he can do to make a cup of tea fgs.

the guy just lost his world.

and whilst that doesn't negate that the girl has suffered loss - its just not the same as losing someone you loved and shared all your life with.

frasersmummy · 30/04/2009 10:06

custardo.. I am not sure that its insensitive to say can grandaughter go see her nan and put a memento in the coffin

I know the poor man is bewildered and lost and has a lot to cope with right now.. but i am sure knowing his granddaughter cares so much would be a small crumb of comfort right now

I am not spoiling for a fight.. bereavement threads are for support not for a bun fight

Like I said before everyone handles things differently.. in these circumstances you and I would obv think very differently.

So to the op I would say it depends on whether grandad is more likely to respond like custardo or me whether you want to push this or not

I hope you all find a way to express your goodbyes that brings you peace in the next few days

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