my friend just txt to say she is pregnant.............................

[nicgeodav]

anyone who knows me know i recently had a termination due to fetal abnormalities. my baby ruby had patau's syndrome.
i took this really hard, we'd been trying for a baby for such a long time.
now handed my notice in at work cause they just don't seem sympathetic when i'm crying all the time(4months on) so now finish work next week and since handing in my notice feel like a big weight has been lifted of my shoulders and havn't cried for 3 weeks.
my friend from work just txted me to sday that she is 6 weeks preg and wanted to tell me before i find out from somone else and sorry if it's upset me.
i am really happy for her and not upset in the slightest.
the only thing that is niggling me is she really must not know me that well to think that it has upset me.
sorry for this post me mubling on but just wanted to say something.

[Peachy]

Its impossible however well you know someone to predict how they will react under the influence of grief. my Mum is the most stoic person on the planet, nothing affects her- yet when she lost some babies from stillbirth before I was born, dad and her had to take action to prevent her going out as she thought she was going to steal a baby (she lost 4 then a termination for foetal abnormality).

I imagine your friend just loves you very much and is trying her ahrdest to do the absolute best- and probably going through some element of grief 9albeit much lower than yourself) for your sad loss.

I think you are lucky to have a friend who thinks about your needs so carefully- we all get it wrongs oemtimes, and in those cases intention is everything.

[goingfor3]

Your friend is trying to do her best not to upset you. No one even themselves knows what a reaction could be.

[nicgeodav]

yes i know you are right.

[nicgeodav]

yes when i red the txt i had to read it 4 times before it sunk in as it is totally out the blue, my reaction was how happy i am for her.

[bozza]

You sound lovely. But I do agree with peachy, that your friend is doing her best to think about you, but she has not been in your position. I am sorry for your loss and continuing pain.

[Mistymoo]

My friend had m/c just as I conceived my ds. I didn't tell her for a while because I was unsure of her reaction. Then one day she said to me "just because this happened to me you'd still better tell me when you get pregnant" (we noth knew we were trying).
I told her then and she was lovely. When I was due though she told me she was unsure how she she would feel and so not to worry if she felt she couldn't hold baby etc.

It turned out OK as she arrived at the house and virtually grabbed ds from me!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your friend is trying to do what's right and sometimes it's difficult to know, esp as your feelings and emotions will be changeable.

I hope you are able to deal with all your emotions and that you are able to keep up your friendship with your friend.

[nicgeodav]

yes, my best freind is also pregnant ther was only 2 weeks difference between us, i have not seen her for a while she has said somethings like she didn't know why she had the downs test as if there is anything wrong with the baby she will keep it anyway(she is very anti abortion) i'm not sure if she realised what she said but it really hurt me.

[hildegard]

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Ruby. I too lost a son due to Patau's.

You sound like a lovely person, especially that you are able to feel so pleased for your friend. I personally found it incredibly difficult when friends became pregnant.

[nicgeodav]

the way i feel at the mo is the world can't stop having babies just because of my loss.
my time will come to have another fingers crossed.

[hildegard]

Yes, those kind of comments are so upsetting. My BIL told me that he didn't believe in tests when pregnant as it was social engineering and every child had a right to life...I was very cross and sad.

[nicgeodav]

it made more angry of her ignorance really.
downs syndrome and pataus syndrom are very different things. and the if my baby had downs syndrome maybe i would of kept her.

[binkleandflip]

you are angry at your friend for not wanting to upset you?

[nicgeodav]

no i'm not angry at my friend for not wanting to upset me, i just think if she really knew me she'd know how happy i'd be for her.

[binkleandflip]

oh I see.

[nicgeodav]

i was talking about my other friend (best) who i was angry about. confusing!!!

[binkleandflip]

Hopefully your anger at her ignorance wont overshadow your happiness for her.

[binkleandflip]

oh yes, I'm getting it confused to!!

[nicgeodav]

no i'm happy for both of my friends
confusing!!!!

[kindersurprise]

Sorry for your loss.

I was worried about telling my friend about my pregnancy when I found out I was expecting DS. I had a 2yo DD already, and we basically started TTC at the same time. She was great about it, was always really happy for me.

She was recently upset about a friend not wanting to buy clothes for her baby because she might get upset. She was quite hurt that her friend thought she was so selfish.

My DD is now 5, and she has had lots of fertility treatment and 2 cycles of IVF. She is pregnant at the moment with twins and I am so happy for her.

I think it is nice that your friend was concerned about your feelings.

[DontCallMeBaby]

No one can know how they will feel themselves about other people's pregnancies in difficult circumstances, so it's a bit much to expect your friend to know how you will feel. Several years ago my friend told me about her first pregnancy, totally unplanned and in a very new relationship, she was gutted ... I had been TTC for some time but she didn't know. I felt physically sick all day, and hated myself for feeling that way, it was completely unexpected.

On the other hand, another friend who did know, told me about her second pregnancy and followed up with 'I didn't know how you'd feel about it', when of course I was delighted. I got off the phone and howled for an hour because I'd become 'someone people are worried about telling when they're pregnant'. So I do see where you're coming from.

I think you are lucky to have each other as friends - she is sensitive of your feelings, and you are instinctively selfless enough not to resent her.

[LOVEMYMUM]

I feel a bit guilty cos i got pregnant in a matter of months coming after coming off the Pill (baby is due 10 days after our first wedding anniversary). My aunt lost a baby girl in 1980 at six months after birth due to EB (a skin blistering disease) and then had a termination due to the next child having the same disease. (She now has 2 healthy children). I was only eight and too young to realise, but now, at six months pregnant, I am upset as I can understand the disappointment you feel. Your friend was trying to be honest and open with you and not have you as the last to know. It seems like leaving your job was the best thing to do, as it seems like you are grieving. GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO GREIVE. As you say you haven't cried for three weeks, maybe you are feeling better in yourself. However, if you start to feel very low and it continues, maybe a visit to your Doctor for antidepressants. I had them seven years ago following relationship break-up and it helped me to function again. Maybe also counselling. You will never forget Ruby, but please believe me when I say you will learn to live with what has happened.

[nicgeodav]

yeah i have been to the dr's and she gave me antidepressants . she said i was suffering from pnd.
i think that they are working for the fact i haven't cried for 3 weeks.
she gave them to me before about 1 month after but was so worried about taking them getting addicted, or what if i get pregnant again and it harms the baby.
but she has assured me that i will be fine and that i must take them.

[poppy34]

firstly nicgeodav so sorry to hear about what you are going through- I terminated with my son at 21 weeks due to major abnormalities so no what a bloody endurance test it is just to get up some days.

Have you been offered any counselling yet? There is so much brought up by the grief and all this. I don't know how I'd have coped without all this as I was in pieces (as various historic posts show ) afterwards. I was incredibly cynical about it but am glad I stuck with it.

Know exactly how feel about pregnancy news. I don't know how I didn't punch someone who asked me if I'd like to go to a Farewell lunch for a woman who was due about a month after me at work.- CAT me if you want to talk

[LOVEMYMUM]

Nicgeodav. Please keep taking the antidepressants. I was on Prozac and, together with counselling, i got my life back on track. If/when you want to stop taking them, go back to your GP for guidance on withdrawal. Please don't go off them too soon.

The best advice i was given was 'Take one day at a time', 'Be kind to yourself', and 'Keep putting on foot in front of the other', which is how i live my life now. In some ways, i think the anti-d and counselling made me a better person and more human (although i could also have done without the whole experience). Lots of good wishes.

[rubberduckquacks]

Nicegodav - I wish I had a friend like you, you sound so loving and caring and utterly unselfish you must be a remarkable person. 3 years on I'm now having counselling and antidepressents because i was pregnant when my friend who had fertility treatment had a miscarraige. She made my life a living hell, blamed me and wouldn't acknowledge my pregnancy or my baby once born. I now have a phobia of upsetting people because I have had children and they might not have. It really screwed me up long term, maybe if she had been as selfless as you then I'm sure I'd be coping better now. Maybe this other person has had a similar experience too and is just trying to do her best. One thing I have learnt is real friendships will survive anything. Counseeling has helped no end even if just means that for one hour every week I get to say what i like to someone who doesn't judge me and just listens - seems more effective than the pills i think. Good luck for the future