How do you explain Death to a child and at what age do they "get it"?????

[BandofMutantMonsters]

my mum's DP died nearly a year ago just before DD1 was 3. She loved her "Uncle" X and didn't really understand.
I thought about how to tell her very hard. I had to tell her something as she asked about him, and she was there when we were all at my house when we heard the news.
I decided to tell her that he fell down the stairs (she heard this at the time or I would not have been so specific) and hurt himself and that the doctors couldn't fix him. I said he had gone now and we wouldn't see him again. She asks every now and again if he is going to get better, and can she take him some medicine [bless]
I just repeat what I originally said, she asks for details sometimes, and seems to think that anyone who died fell down the stairs, she also plays dead games.
How have you dealt with this issue and when did they sort of understand it??

I think she is starting to understand as she just said "I'm never going to see him again amI??" and she said she wanted to see him and she missed him.

Did I say the right things???

[TwigorTreat]

tell her the hand in glove story

[Magicmayhem]

not sure what the "hand in glove story" is but winstons wish have a good website about berevment, you may find something there to help her.
sorry no good at links

[TwigorTreat]

hand in glove here under Twiglett

[BandofMutantMonsters]

Oh Twig, that is a good way to explain it.
Thank you. How old is he?? Dd he seem to understand?? lol at "oh"

[Moomin]

I don't know whether they ever really 'get it'. It's hard enough for us as adults to get our heads round the whole notion. My mum died when I ws 9 and although I knew she'd gone and they'd been a funeral, it took me months to realise that I was never actually see her again. That's a real shock and very hard to explain to children I think.

We've recently lost a close family friend that dd1 knew quite well and it's much easier for her to get used to the fact she doesn't see our friend anymore if she thinks about a version of heaven (rightly or wrongly this is what I've told her) rather than the more abstract version of 'we don't really know what happens when you die'.

[sweetcat]

Twig what a great story, wish I'd known about this a few years ago. My DD lost two great grandparents, and two grand parents within two years (she was between 3 and 5) and I couldn't explain the difference between body and soul at all really.

She says she misses my Mum a lot because she remembers her best but the only time she cried was when a family members dog died, and she still gets upset now if she mentions him.

[BandofMutantMonsters]

I know what you mean Moomin. It hit us hard as it was very unexpected and he was only 42.
I told her it was okay to be sad because we loved him and we miss him.
It is definately a tricky area.

[TwigorTreat]

DS was about 3 and a half I think .. nobody had died at that time but he was interested in death as a concept .. we did lots of tickling with the spirit hand .. it was just an easy and simple way for him to grasp it .. and not too religious (as I'm fairly atheist but do have a hankering after 'spirit)

He is now 6.8 and has just lost a schoolfriend and I am very pleased that he already has this story firmly inside him ... but now we are supplementing with Michael Rosen's Sad book

[BandofMutantMonsters]

Aah, how sad he lost a friend
That is harsh at his age. I lost my bf at 22 yo and God it took me ages to even accept it.

I love the hand idea and will use it next time she brings it up. How clever.

I sometimes wonder if she is afraid that other people will just disappear and never come back

[onlyjoking9329]

i don't know when they understand reallyi guess its grasping a bit of understanding at a time.
Twig mentioned the sad book to me, i have order that plus badgers parting gift and the dragonflies one, i think the thing that is hard is worrying about what and when you say something, knowing once it has been said you can't unsay it

[BandofMutantMonsters]

Gosh oj. I don't know whether it is better to be able to plan it or not know that it is coming. But I think in view of the kids at least you can plan special memories and maybe make a video from Steve to the kids, write letters etc for key times. Oh Gosh, it must be hard.

[BandofMutantMonsters]

"Hard" being complete understatement.

[onlyjoking9329]

the knowing that someone is going to die soon, leaves you in constant limbo, there are so many things that you think you should do but the reality is that for us steve is too ill to do anything much.

[BandofMutantMonsters]

Hmm, that is true. How about board games or painting, sticking, colouring. Crafts??
Maybe a treasure box that you decorate and they can put in a picture of him, and little things that remind them of him.
Would he let them paint his face and take pictures?? or vice versa??

Telll me to shut up if you don't want suggestions

[BandofMutantMonsters]

Have you told the kids???

[onlyjoking9329]

we have a lot of photos and home videos.
The kids don't knpw anything other than dad has a headache

[PrincessAfterLife]

I clicked on this because DS (4) is talking about it a bit now, but only in relation to less 'significant' beings in his life - like our chickens getting killed by a cat, our farming neughbours animals getting 'processed', and insects getting squished. He asks about death/dying sometimes and I have been wondering about how much of the finality of it he can actually understand at his age. My grandfather died when he was 13 months and yet he still remembers and talks about him. Now he can talk about him being gone after a few years of understanding that he can't go to see him and asking why. So for all of the above I am interested to hear of people's experiences and thoughts on explaining/discussing death.

However it is of course very very humbling to be reminded that some of us are discussing it for reasons far closer to home. OJ - there's nothing I can suggest obviously. All I can do is extend a genuine feeling of support from across the world, for what it is worth.

[onlyjoking9329]

i guess starting with other things dying is a good way to start.

[twentypence]

Ds came home from kindy and said one of the teacher's dads had died at the weekend and she was off work for at least a week.

"When you die you are dead and are not around for people to see any more - but we remember people in our brain if they are dead". Is his take on whatever they told him.

He's 4.

[onlyjoking9329]

thats a very insightful view of it all.

[Moomin]

It's so very hard isn't it. My heart goes out to you onlyjoking.

My mum died in an accident (she was 42 as well) so she was there when me and my dad went out and had the accident later that afternoon while she was out so I never saw her again. I don't know how we got through it but somehow we did, and it's a huge tribute to my dad that db and I have grown up happy and well-adjusted (although my db had terrible issues in his teenage years and it's taken him years to accept but he's happy now).

Losing our friend last month has given me an insight into the other side of the coin - an 'expected' death, and although it's no consolation, onlyjoking, her family have taken great solace from having had the opportunity to say their goodbyes. I bought my best friend's ds a memory box the other week (it was best friend's mum who died) so he could collect things to remind him of her and he's really loved this idea. It's a talking point for him at the moment, which I think is very important. We discussed him having it while she was still alive so they could put things in it together but sadly she became too ill and they never got the chance. It's been a comfort to him since though, esp as things are inevitably 'getting back to normal' (that is for everyone else, but for them it's getting very hard).

[onlyjoking9329]

That must be so hard
moomin
i feel bad for moaning cos at least we have soom warning and time to plan stuff.
memory box is a good idea.

[Moomin]

Oh blimey I didn't mean to make you feel bad... I'm not saying 'aren't you lucky, look at poor me' or anything, far from it. I was just hoping to try to give you some tiny crumb of solace in your terrible terrible situation at the moment. I so feel for you and your dcs - I really hope you and they can make something positive out of this - their precious memories for him and the love you all have for one another.

I am lucky in some ways that I always felt so loved and secure as a child and I always knew my mum loved me and db to pieces. But I would have liked some 'stuff' really; something real to hold and look at from time to time. I remember finding some of her makeup (powder-compact) in my dad's drawer a few years after she died and the smell of it shocked me to the core as it made me remember being close to her. Having things like that which are your dcs own things, given to them by you or you and Steve will be very important for them in the healing process I think.

[onlyjoking9329]

no you didn't make me feel bad at all,
i was just thinking that we are lucky in that we can plan and prepare its just that it is very hard to know

[BandofMutantMonsters]

I imagine that is extremely stressful knowing, and waiting, esp when the time frame is quite blurred. But then the shock of a sudden death just leaves you reeling and is perhaps just as stressful and upsetting.

Death sucks