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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Mum died on her own and I really can’t cope with it

45 replies

Pinky14 · 29/12/2018 22:23

Hi

My mum died four years ago from cancer. The end came quite quickly, we all went on holiday in June healthy and happy and by 6th Nov same year she was dead.

The one thing she said to my dad (unbeknownst to me) was to not let her die alone. She went into hospital Wednesday pm on the 5th Nov as the pain had become unmanageable. I didn’t talk to any nurses as I was suppressing my emotions (I hate crying in front of people) and knew asking about her would make me cry.

Anyway we (my dad and I) came home after travelling with her and staying for till the evening. We went home and the next morning I dropped my 2 and 4 year old off at nursery. I went over to my dads so we could go over to hospital. He was doddering about so I made him scrabbled eggs. While I was waiting for him I had a massive impulse to get to the hospital right now but as usual ignored my feelings. Finally we made it over to the hospital where they stopped us going in the room as she had just died. We had missed it, she was on her own with a nurse she’d never known holding her hand instead of me. The nurse was distressed and I was in shock not wanting to talk to anyone so I didn’t.

Four years on I utterly suppress this as I can’t deal with the fact I wasn’t there. We went into see her and her pillow was covered in brown liquid. It had been put in a plastic bag but I just wonder how with it she was. She had a morphine driver and was a bit in and out of it the previous day.

What can I do to stop feeling so awful whenever I think about it?xx

OP posts:

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jessstan2 · 29/12/2018 22:26

Oh you poor thing but it could have happened at any time, while you were asleep for example.

I think your mum would have been heavily sedated with pain killers and just drifted from sleep into death. That's what usually happens.

Don't be hard on yourself, it wasn't your fault. Remember the good times.

Hollywhiskey · 29/12/2018 22:26

My mum is a palliative care nurse so she has watched many (hundreds at least) people die. She said that morphine helps a person to have a lovely peaceful death where you feel calm and sleepy and just forget to breathe.

So sorry about your mum xx

CarrieBlu · 29/12/2018 22:27

I’m sorry for your loss. My wonderful mum spent years feeling guilty for not being there for her parents when they died. Counselling helped her. I know you said you suppress your feelings and don’t talk to people but please consider at least giving it a chance.

Beamur · 29/12/2018 22:28

Sorry for your loss. Have you thought about talking to a bereavement counsellor about your feelings? Grief can take a long time to heal from.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 29/12/2018 22:30

I am so sorry you are feeling this way and so very sorry for your loss. I have heard from many people that they felt their loved ones waited to die alone, I know this is how we felt with my dad. I hope that one day your happy memories of her overshadow the sad, it takes time, but it really does happen.

Fairylea · 29/12/2018 22:33

I’m not sure if this will be of comfort but it’s commonly known that many people seem to wait until their loved ones aren’t there before they actually pass. It seems people often hang on past the time that is comfortable for them otherwise, and that they let go when they are with nurses or people that don’t know them.

We nursed my Gran through bowel cancer at home with us and she died holding the nurses hand overnight. I felt terribly sad about that but the night before she died I felt she was hanging on and suffering greatly so I held her hand and told her it was okay to let go and we all loved her, and she died some hours later. The nurse said she only realised she had died sometime after she’d passed and she woke me up to tell me.

Please don’t torture yourself about this, your mum knew you loved her I’m sure. You did the best you could.

3catsandcounting · 29/12/2018 22:33

I was 27 when when my dad died. I'm 55 now. I can't tell you the amount of times people, friends, family, have since told me that when someone is dying they 'wait' until their loved ones aren't there before they decide to go. My mum beat herself up for years because she wasn't 'there'; I'm less guilty as I know my dad wouldn't have wanted us to suffer his demise.
The obituaries where 'they were surrounded by their family' are few and far between. It's not real life.

lotusbell · 29/12/2018 22:34

Sorry for your loss. We maintained a somewhat rota-ed bedside vigil when my mum died in 2014. The night she died, we had got a Marie Curie nurse to sit with her so those on might watch could gave a break. I had gone home so wasn't there when she died, but my brother, dad and get brother were. I hate the fact I wasn't with her but at least she was not alone. do not beat yourself up about it, she was with someone who wasn't family but she was not alone.

RitaTheBeater · 29/12/2018 22:34

She wouldn’t have known who was there. You were making sure your dad was looked after by cooking him some eggs and that your children were being cared for by taking them to nursery. It’s not like you’d gone to the cinema.

It sounds like you had a lovely and happy relationship with her and that’s what needs to be remembered.

littlecabbage · 29/12/2018 22:35

Pinky14, I'm so sorry to hear this. I lost my Dad to cancer 2 years ago, and it was similarly an extremely sudden and aggressive cancer. Although I was there when he died, I do have some guilt about times when we weren't with him at the hospital and he suffered, e.g. when he had a massive nosebleed and they had to shove packs up his nose. He said it was unbearable.

I think what helped me moving forwards was talking about it a lot. One friend in particular (who had suffered losses herself) was great at just listening and letting me cry.

Have you tried bereavement counselling? My Mum has found Cruse (sp?) a great help, and still attends the associated support/friendship group weekly.

I suspect your Mum wasn't aware she was dying at that moment, and wasn't wondering where you were, but I understand why this plays so much on your mind.

WhatwouldCJdo · 29/12/2018 22:36

Oh that brought tears to my eyes.
Your mum was surrounded by all your love and she will have felt that in her last days. It sounds like you kept your mum for as long as was comfortable for her and she appreciated it.

The very final moment was her with the nurse but the time when she was more aware was with you and your family. It must hurt you so badly but you didn't let her down.
Don't struggle with this alone, contact one of many support charities/groups that can help you. I wish I could wipe your (misguided) guilt away but I know from when my dad died its really hard to do.

ballstoit · 29/12/2018 22:37

It is so difficult to predict the end that you can't blame yourself for not being there. She wasn't alone lovely, she was with a nurse who would certainly have cared hugely for her or would not have been so upset.

As a mother, she would not want you to be carrying this burden of guilt. Would writing a letter to her help? Just to put those thoughts down on paper and tell her how you feel.

Grief is hard to carry alone - keep writing on here, there is always someone to listen x

SheRasBra · 29/12/2018 22:37

Pinky, how awful for you. I'm so sorry.

I know it's easier said than done but try not to blame yourself. I doubt your mum would have wanted you to keep reliving these last moments. In an ideal world the staff at the hospital would have indicated that your mum didn't have long but that's not always easy or definitive. If she had a morphine driver she was likely in a very deep sleep-like state and would have been free of her pain.

Have you thought about bereavement counselling? It doesn't matter that 4 years have passed, it might help you put the feelings of guilt behind you and remember your mum as she was before she was ill.

My heart goes out to you. My MIL had dementia and died in a care home without me there and I had similar feelings of guilt. Hope you find some peace xx

Kittenrush · 29/12/2018 22:47

I’m so sorry for your loss, I can only echo what other people have said and say that people quite often wait to be away from loved ones before they pass.
Littlecabbage is completely right, you were looking after your Dad and your mum would have valued that above all else I’m sure. She wasn’t alone, she had a nurse with her and although that may be little comfort to you as you of course wish it was you, it was still a warm hand to hold and someone to talk to her in her last moments. I’ve sat with quite a few people who have taken their last breaths before family have managed to arrive and a death on a morphine driver is a really peaceful way to go.
It’s how I’d like to go out having watched others.
When I was 25 my dad had a cardiac arrest and died basically in my mother’s arms. I kicked myself for years for not being there, as a nurse I convinced myself I could have done something etc, but I now try not to fret about what I couldn’t possibly have known or had control over. I just go on and look after my mum the best I can.
Sorry that was a bit long, I just relate to that so much

Pinky14 · 29/12/2018 23:11

Hi

Thank you so much for all your replies. I did try counselling for about three months but it got so expensive and to be honest while it was good to chat and cry I didn’t feel it was worth the money.

Kittenrush is it too graphic of me to ask what happens physically when someone dies? Would my mum have been sick before or after she died? (Thinking about the brown stuff on her pillow).

I think what doesn’t help is the way my dad has reacted to it all. He has dealt with it - he sold there home, moved further away from me to pursue a ahem gold digging girlfriend 25 years younger, got rid of all her pictures, sold shares that she wanted me to have, changed will etc, etc

OP posts:

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 29/12/2018 23:20

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My dad died 6 years ago just two weeks after being diagnosed with cancer.

Please take comfort from the knowledge that there was a nurse holding your mum's hand. Your mum wasn't alone. You didn't let her down in anyway.

I chose to say goodbye to my dad 24 hours before he died - he had been fitted with a morphine driver and was deeply unconscious. He would not have wanted me to be by his side at the end and I felt that by leaving the hospital I was giving him permission to go. I had spent every moment I could with him from the time he was put into a side ward and visiting restrictions were lifted - sleeping in the chair beside him etc.

But for his final hours I know he needed to be alone.

But your mum wasn't on her own. She was with a nurse who clearly cared for her on an emotional level. Your mum must have been so special to evoke that response xxx

StartingGrid · 29/12/2018 23:21

I had the choice of heading straight to the hospital when my Dad was in resus, or going to get my younger sister who couldn't drive and was home alone. I chose the latter and we arrived together just a few minutes after he passed. I am full of regret that I wasn't there in time, but couldn't have lived with myself if I left my sister out.

So sorry your Dad has behaved like he has, that must make it all the more difficult for you to bear

Pinky14 · 29/12/2018 23:30

Starting Grid thanks, I think one of the worst things was that he gave away everything of hers without even asking me or telling me so I didn’t have chance to keep anything. I would have loved to get some of her shirts and make it into two cushions for my children but never got chance. He gave furniture of my mums to his lady friend and rest went to charity. I took her engagement ring before that disappeared and wear it everyday. Even her ashes have been scattered in random places without me - Switzerland, Devon, Wales, Buckinghamshire.

OP posts:

Blondie1993 · 29/12/2018 23:37

Im so sorry you are hurting so much My dad passed away two years ago today. He was 51 and was diagnosed with cancer in March that year. He passed at home. We had spent days on end waiting for it to happen and happened to go home that night (nurse was staying over). We had literally just walked in the door when we had a phone call to say he had gone. I do believe he waited until we had left. We went straight back but the nurses asked us to give them a few minutes to clean him up and they changed his top. I don't know what the mess was but it may have been similar as he was also on morphine. The nurses dealing with patients like your mum and my dad are such warm, kind people - take some comfort in that. Your mum wouldnt want you to tear yourself up like this

LuluJakey1 · 29/12/2018 23:37

My mum died by herself. She died in her sleep in hospital. I think the truth is death is a journey we all take alone. My mum knew how much I loved her and that if I had known it was going to happen, I would have stayed with her. I am sure your mum knew how much you loved her and that you would have been there if you had known. There is no point in this pain you are putting yourself through. Live your life and enjoy it as she would have wanted you to and remember how lucky you were to have all the years you had with your mum. That last hour when she was sedated and ill shouldn't define what you hold onto.

StartingGrid · 29/12/2018 23:43

Thats incredibly hurtful to you... have you ever asked him why he has completely cut you out of the opportunity to be involved in any of these decisions?

I guess it may feel to you like he didn't care, however as an outsider I could speculate that perhaps he's struggled with losing her more than you think and found anything to do with reminders of her too painful to be around?

I hope you have other relatives for support and would really recommend some counselling if you can get it. Locally here a lot of appointments are over the phone if you would find that easier - at least explore the option.

Waddsup12 · 29/12/2018 23:51

There was a really good video going round Facebook a few months ago. A doctor described the physical dying process & it was oddly comforting to understand it better.

Waddsup12 · 29/12/2018 23:53

Definitely think some specific bereavement counselling would help.

I got very miserable after my father died, it's really hard. And it sounds like you have some unresolved thoughts.

jellyelly · 29/12/2018 23:56

When my mum died a few years ago, we had maintained a vigil for a few days but my dad was really struggling to cope. The hospice staff told us it was possible, even likely that she would die a particular night. We (my siblings) decided to go home that night mainly because otherwise my father would have felt he had to stay and I honestly don’t think he could have dealt with seeing her go (they had been totally devoted for over 50 years). She died in the early hours with one of the absolutely lovely hospice nurses with her. Literally everyone (or almost) asked if we’d been with her, and I started to feel guilty about it, but actually she was an incredibly private person, and I do feel that she waited to slip away with a (lovely warm) professional with her. One of the hardest things about her last few weeks was feeling that I was always in the wrong place (with her, not with my children or with my family and not with her ). I think that goes with the territory. You were looking after other vulnerable people in your family, and she was not alone. Please be kind to yourself .

SnapMeOutOfIt · 30/12/2018 00:07

I was with my DM when she passed this year, but my brother, who has mental health issues, had popped out. I believe she waited for him to go.
Both my DM, and my DF who will die soon, were prescribed 3 end of life injections. Morphine, a sedative and an anti sickness. Apparently these are quite standard so I guess vomiting does happen sometimes. My DM wasn't sick but did need the sedative as she was clawing the covers and highly agitated despite being in a very deep sleep by then. I think everyone is different.
It sounds like the nurse with your DM really did care and I think you should take comfort from that.
I hope to be with DF when the time comes but I know I might not get that chance.

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