What were the best thing that people did for you when you were bereaved?

[Izzywigs]

I know there is no one size fits all but I just wondered if there were particular things that meant a lot to you. We do not drive and live a 90minute journey away.

[LittleCandle]

My lovely friend came and took my kids away overnight and all the next day and did fun things with them while I tried to cope with all the details of organising a funeral and dealing with the police etc at the same time. She was an absolute life saver and my DC had a lovely time with her instead of having to handle a very upset mother.

[annandale]

So many things.

Texted me every day just to say 'how are you doing, have you slept'. Sent me cards.
Dropped everything and came to stay with me. Accompanied me to the GP and held me afterwards while I sobbed. Clubbed together as a group and took ds and I away on holiday. Recommended a counsellor for ds. Recommended a celebrant for the funeral. Dropped off meals for the freezer. Dropped off bags of shopping. Brought me flowers for the house. Organised the wake - bloody huge job - multiple helping hands there. Sat with me while the complete arse of an undertaker was there. Sat with me while I gave my statement to the police. Sat with me while the nhs investigator was there. Reassured me i wouldnt have to be alone at the inquest. Took bags of stuff to the charity shop. Took me out walking. Took me out walking again. Took me to spinning class. Came round and sat and listened and talked endlessly to me. Made cups of tea. Cleaned my house. Cleaned my floor. Did my washing up. Brought more flowers. Relayed information from ds's friends on how he was getting on at school. Hugged me. Gave me permission to look after myself, to say and do daft things. Did what I asked them to do at the funeral.

I am so so lucky in my friends. My message is - do what you feel able to do, believe me it is all appreciated. Making ordinary life happen becomes a mountain to climb - just sending a card that says 'we're so sorry, we remember him kindly, here's something nice just for you' means a TON.

[KimchiLaLa]

Sent food
Came to stay
Didn't say stupid things (mostly)

[Sofabitch]

They just did things. Without being asked. Sent meals. Took my children out. Didn't ask me if I was okay...because of course the answer was bloody no. They turned up with take always and wine and distracted me until I was drunk and then held me as I cried. Not expecting me to talk or stop.

[Sofabitch]

I think it really is the practical things in the early days. You are just in shock. Normal functioning is hard.

[2cats2many]

I appreciated every bit of human contact. It was a very tough a lonely time and anything that people did that made me feel less alone was very welcome. Cards, texts, visits, calls. Everything.

[trickyboots]

Watched my kids for me. Said what they remembered about the person. Was nice to hear how they'd impacted others too, even if it was just "they were always so nice to chat to".

[EthelHornsby]

My little brother dropped everything, came up from the other end of the country, arriving with fish and chips for all, shopped and cooked a roast dinner for us the next day, and did it all again for the funeral the following week, keeping difficult members of the family happy and looking out for my son who was drinking far too much whisky. He was an absolute star

[VienneseFingers]

Remembered I will still grieving after the funeral. And a month later. And year later...

[Canwejustrelaxnow]

Just people coming round all the time and sitting and chatting and being there. Sometimes practical things needed doing.

[grafittiartist]

Wrote lovely personal messages in cards, or letters. Asked about it.

[FrangipaniBlue]

When my mum died my best friend skipped her Uni classes (student at the time) and made an 8hr round trip on the train just to turn up on my doorstep and give me a hug.

It's one of the things about losing my mum that I will never forget.

[Timeforachange68]

Came to the funeral just felt really supported

[FuelledByButter]

Took me out for drinks.
Recommended a celebrant.
Just checked in occasionally.
Offered practical help.

[Sparkletastic]

This thread is so useful. My dear friend's husband died last night in tragic circumstances. We're texting and I'm going to see her Sunday. With coffee and cakes. Her DD (15) is my DD's best mate so they will see each other too. DD and I are both determined to be there for our friends and the ideas on this thread have given me something to think about / do.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Let me tell the story again and again..different friends. Thats all l wanted. Never forget those who sat and listened. Not always the ones you expect.

[2cats2many]

junebirthdaygirl
That is so important. When my dad died, a I wanted to do was tell the story again and again. It was a very important way of processing it. It's what people pay £60/hour to a counsellor for.

I'll never forget the people who just let me tell my story. And, unfortunately, I remember the people who shut me down. Who didn't want to hear. I reassessed a few friendships after my dad died.

[Floralnomad]

The day my dad died ( very suddenly and unexpectedly) when dh and I went up to the yard to put our family horses to bed for the night and to sort them out one of the other livery owners had poo picked both of our fields . So quite a niche thing but so thoughtful for our circumstances .

[FlounderingDaily]

Didn't expect me to be ok after 2 months/6 months/3 years etc etc. Asked me for coffee and asked me how I was doing.

[Ikabod]

Be a friend - don't fall away. When my mum died the number of "friends" who stopped contacting my Dad was incredible. It still makes me feel sad and angry that most of the people he called a friend abandoned him when he really needed them.

[Rednailsandnaeknickers]

Hugs. Sat with me and let me talk. Didn't try to say "it was for a reason" or "they are in a better place now" or anything shit like that. Sent beautiful cards followed up with more hugs at the funeral. Didn't expect me to be "better" within days or weeks. Accepted I had days when I just wanted to hide away and days when I wanted to do anything rather than think or talk about it. Just let me be me without trying to gloss over or make it all go away.

[Rednailsandnaeknickers]

annandale your friends sound awesome

[BathTangle]

Not for me but a work friend: our boss who said to her that he knew that grief might strike her at any time, a week, a month, a year, several years, down the line and that if that happened she only had to tell him and he would make whatever allowances were needed in the office. I know it meant a huge amount to her to be told that was ok.

[Rednailsandnaeknickers]

Ah that's an understanding boss, bath. I do find that people that have gone through what I have just "get it".

[lisaorris99]

My partner made me eat when I probably wouldn’t have bothered. But in a helpful way ... here’s some food, eat just a bit anything you can type of way.

My best friend drove three hours to come to my dads funeral. And my friend from school who knew my dad and who I have seen a handful of times in the past ten years came to the funeral too.

Another friend texted me every few days just to say she was thinking about me and checking in.

It’s the little things that mean the most I think x