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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Christmas and bereavement.

53 replies

headinhands · 19/12/2017 13:19

I've lost 2 close family members in relatively a short space of time and have another close relative in end of life care. Christmas is making me feel worse! It's all the 'happy/jolly/merry' stuff and if feels so hollow. I'm doing what I have to, putting up decorations but I've put minimal effort into presents and still have sent a single card ☺️. It's just making me feel lonely even though I'm surrounded by people. I wish more people spoke about this difficult element of Christmas.

OP posts:

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Maryann1975 · 19/12/2017 13:31

We’ve lost three close family members since Christmas last year. I am very much going through the motions, but have no interest in Christmas this year. The thought of it makes me want to cry again. I was at a carol service last week and cried twice. I feel so disorganised and left it so late to order stuff I’m still waiting for it to be delivered which means I’m now worrying about having to do it nearer to the 24th than I would like. No decorations up, no cards written. I just want to go to sleep and wake up on the 2nd January when it’s all done.
for you.

angemorange · 19/12/2017 13:33

Sorry for your loss OP. This is the first Christmas without my DM who died a few months ago, and the first with neither of my parents and a close friend.
I've just resigned myself to 'getting through' this year, mainly for the sake of my young DS. I've put up a tree, met a few friends for drinks and bought (minimal presents).
Just focus on getting past Christmas this year - next one will be easier and in a couple of years I'm hoping to feel the joy again.

Poshindevon · 19/12/2017 13:42

People do talk about this "element"of Christmas. Its very common for people to feel "down" over Christmas after the death of a relative or friend.
People feel their loss more acutely at Christmas because it is such a family time and you sound as if you are recently bereaved.
Death and losing loved ones is a part of life especially as we grow older. The tragic loss of a child or the utimely death of a younger person is even harder to bear.
The old saying that life goes on is so true and time does heal but in the mean time there is Christmas, birthdays and other personal anniversaries. I know, I have been there more than once.
However, because you feel sad that is no reason to penalise others by not sending cards or giving minimal gifts. Why should your grief diminish Christmas for others?
After Christmas I suggest you contact CRUSE who specialise in bereavement counselling you will be surprised how they can help.

Situp · 19/12/2017 13:47

Bereavementuk have a forum including a live chat on Christmas day so people can check in when they need it. I used it the first Christmas after my dad died and it was really helpful.

One thing I like to do is light a candle for dad every year . Having it burning on the side where we are opening presents and having our lunch is always comforting for me x

endofthelinefinally · 19/12/2017 13:52

I am facing the second Christmas without my son. I can not cope with festivities of any sort. If people are unhappy that I am not doing Christmas that is their problem.
I am getting through one day at a time and just about holding it together.
It is so, so hard. Seeing families together reduces me to tears. I cant help it. I miss my son so much.
DH and my 2 surviving dc do not want to celebrate either. Given what we have all been through I think other people need to cut us some slack.

DaisysStew · 19/12/2017 14:01

It's awful at this time of year isn't it. I lost my sister 6 years ago, it's her birthday on Boxing Day (she would've been 32 this year) and I find it really hard to put on a brave face. I was doing alright until the Christmas ads started - 2 different ones with sisters having a lovely Christmas, remembering when they were young etc... I have to turn it over, it physically hurts me to watch.

It's ok to be hurting, if it's too much try and take some time for yourself, even if it's just sat in your room for a bit. I'm sorry it's been such a tough year

Hotpinkangel19 · 19/12/2017 14:44

OP, I know how you feel. This year my Mum died in June and my Dad died in August. Christmas just isn't going to be the same this year without my parents ☹️

headinhands · 19/12/2017 15:15

Thank you all for sharing. Reading all your replies has helped. I'm not going to feel bad about the fact I'm not feeling it. I've just written some cards and because I'm feeling a bit wobbly I may have gone a bit too overboard with the sappy soppy sentiments.

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2017SoFarSoGood · 19/12/2017 15:28

Last year was just too raw and unbearable. Family and friends were totally ok with me just canceling Christmas for the most part. It took the pressure off and allowed me to participate where I could and almost cope. 💐

2017SoFarSoGood · 19/12/2017 15:28

Last year was just too raw and unbearable. Family and friends were totally ok with me just canceling Christmas for the most part. It took the pressure off and allowed me to participate where I could and almost cope. 💐

ButchyRestingFace · 19/12/2017 21:57

I’ve had 4 bereavements this year, 3 were sudden deaths (including my mum).

In the aftermath of my mum’s death, I laid the groundwork by unfollowing all the pains in the arses on my FB account.

I don’t have a lot of close family around (understatement) and no husband and kids. The upside is that I can do pretty much what I like. And I thoroughly intend to.

A select number of Christmas cards went out today. FB account being temporarily deactivated tomorrow. And on Friday I fly off to Portugal. Phone is being switched off as soon as I land.

Imagine I will spend Xmas day itself lolling around the pool on a lounger. I suppose eventually I will have to make an effort to get back into the Christmas swing of things, but not this year, sista!

headinhands · 20/12/2017 07:40

Imagine I will spend Xmas day itself lolling around the pool on a lounger.

Now that's a Christmas Day I could find the energy for.

OP posts:

headinhands · 20/12/2017 07:43

I'm sorry to hear of all your losses on this thread. Thank you for all sharing your own feelings. I feel guilty that it's only really been this year that I've appreciated how difficult Christmas is for so many people.

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Situp · 20/12/2017 07:44

@Butchyrestingface

What A shit year for you, i am so sorry. We had that in 2015. 4 deaths, one was my dad but the other 3 were friends our age, 2 leaving 3 kids each and one leaving his wife badly injured (car accident) and pregnant. Baby survived and all families are doing ok considering.

Love your idea of getting away from it. I think sometimes doing the same as always with people missing just drives home that they aren't there

angemorange · 20/12/2017 09:42

Just do what feels right this year. I'm doing a few meet ups and having some friends round in the run up, but Christmas Day will just be the three of us trying to getting through the day.

When I'm out I put my headphones in to drown out the Xmas music and I'm largely avoiding Facebook/media/nonsense.

Good luck to all the other posters who have been bereaved......

BettyBaggins · 20/12/2017 20:17

It's just me and my adult daughter left in my close family and I find it really hard too. DD splits her time between me and her Dads side. My Mum died very suddenly at Christmas time. I am finding it hard this year to hear everyone making plans what to buy their Mums. It's been 8 years. This year I am also a little excited and am getting the family stockings out for the first time since DM died.

I like the idea of lighting candles for loved ones, I will need alot but will do so this year.

Spending time abroad does help, I have been away for 4 Xmas's since it was just us. Its just the hearing people talk about what they are doing....it can make me feel very alone.

cathyclown · 20/12/2017 20:30

In tears here. Christmas can be such a lonely space for those who have an empty chair at the table.

I know this and I don't know how to overcome that feeling. We are all supposed to be so happy clappy. Anyway will do my best.

Best wishes to fellow travellers holding it all in.

I go to our local church and put a few bob in the slot and light candles. And then cry my eyes out. A priest came out to talk to me last year and he really helped me. I don't go to church at all, but that was something else. It is sometimes good to get validation for your grief from someone who doesn't know you. Hope you understand me.

So sorry to all who have lost loved ones. It is awful. But life goes on. It has to, doesn't mean we cannot rail and cry either though in private.

annielouisa · 20/12/2017 20:57

I am dreading Christmas this year I lost my DH in April and then my DIL lost her 3 year old DN in July. I know it will be so hard as DH was a family man and loved all the DC and DGC around him at Christmas

cathyclown · 20/12/2017 21:10

So sorry for all your losses.

I don't know how we cope, but we do. Somehow.

Big hugs to you all. I'd love a big hug now myself, but there is no one here at the moment. So hey ho. Maybe tomorrow.

You are all in my thoughts. I know what it is like.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 20/12/2017 21:12

December is turning into a crap month for me, 2 years ago my dad died, last year my sits died, this year my DH was informed that he is now terminally ill

Kernowgal · 21/12/2017 13:29

I'm really sorry for all your losses.

I've given up on Christmas this year, it just seems hollow like someone wrote upthread. My mum is now terminally ill and will be allowed home on Christmas day for a few hours, which will be lovely. We'll probably just end up watching the usual shite on telly (she loves Strictly) but she's having trouble eating and so there'll be no big dinner or anything like that. Then she goes back to hospital while they sort out carers, equipment and so on, before coming back home for however long it takes.

I am glad that we will have Christmas with her; others aren't so lucky. And that from now on it's starting to get lighter. Gives me a bit of hope for the future, something to look forward to once all this is over.

Aducknotallama · 21/12/2017 21:53

I am not feeling Christmas this year my dm died six weeks ago and I just cannot face the festivities.

ineedaholidaynow · 21/12/2017 23:50

I am struggling too.

DF died just over 2 months ago. I am so stressed and just hate the thought of Christmas without him. Got my Christmas card today from DM and broke down as it was only from her and not DF as well

Not sure how I am going to cope on Christmas Day.

I am sorry for everyone else going through the same thing

headinhands · 22/12/2017 08:13

Oh ineed, I can only imagine how hard it was for your mum to write those cards. 💐

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ineedaholidaynow · 22/12/2017 08:58

head that is why I haven't faced writing hers yet Always used to give them a joint card. Broke down in the card shop whilst trying to choose one for her

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