When Dad died I stated I wanted to see him one last time.unbeknown to me my DM and db saw him as they were there in his final hours.Db told me I could see him at the funeral home.
DM has now said she isn't keen on us seeing df.
She did admit db is going to see him again.I did want to see df resting after a horrible dying process that I witnessed.I do feel quite positive at the moment.
Would seeing him set me back again? Did you see your loved one and regret it.when dfil died I saw his body and couldn't get it out of my mind when he was buried.what do you think and did grief hit you more after the funeral?
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Bereavement
Do I see Dad in the chapel of rest
42 replies
whatisforteamum · 20/09/2017 08:36
OP posts:
MrsJayy ·
20/09/2017 08:41
I am so sorry about your dad 
I think if you want to see him just go your mum is maybe trying to save you more upset I have gone to see a few loved ones it was a strange experience tbh but it certainly didn't make me feel any worse.
ButtfaceMiscreant ·
20/09/2017 08:49
In the nicest possible way your DM or DB cannot tell you if you can or can't see your DF at rest, especially if your DB is also wanting to make a visit to see your DF in the funeral home.
If you feel you need to see your DF and say a final goodbye then do so. Your grief is personal to you, and you need to do what feels right to you to get some closure on your father's death so you can allow yourself to grieve.
I am sorry for your loss
thatdearoctopus ·
20/09/2017 08:53
I think the consensus will be split here. I viewed my grandfather's body when I was a teenager, and it was horrible - he looked very waxy and not himself at all. I therefore declined seeing my much-loved mil when she had died.
Then my own mother died a couple of months back. She had been in a coma for a day or two, clearly not looking "herself," and then my father, siblings and I went to the hospital (middle of the night) as soon as we heard she had died. Before I knew it, we were all in her room with her, and I probably wouldn't have chosen that. They all leant over to kiss her goodbye, but I couldn't. I didn't want my last memory of her to have been when she was stiff and cold.
Personal preference. Sorry if this is blunt but it was my experience.
silkpyjamasallday ·
20/09/2017 09:04
People are very different when grieving, DP didn't want to visit his mum in the funeral home but his aunty went every day up until the funeral, same when her husband died. She finds it comforting, DP can't think of anything worse. It really is a personal preference and neither is wrong or right, don't let anyone tell you how you should grieve as it will make the process more difficult for you if you aren't true to your own feelings. I'm sorry for your loss OP
Notreallyarsed ·
20/09/2017 09:08
I find that it's a very personal choice. I was there when my mum died, and helped SIL to get mum ready for the undertakers (fresh nightie, a freshen up wash and brushing her hair). Then I went back in a few hours later before we left to say a last goodbye and I wish I hadn't. I kissed her and she was very cold, and it upset me a lot.
I'm very sorry about your dad there's a thread on here for anyone who has lost a parent if you need to talk. It's run by Mummylin who is fantastic.
CanIBuffalo ·
20/09/2017 09:11
I'm sorry your DDad has died. I chose not to see my DDad when he died but saw DMum at the hospital after she'd died. I don't regret either decision.
The decision needs to be yours, not anyone else's. You wouldn't even need to tell your DMum if you didn't want to.
It's really important to grieve in your own way.
user128057 ·
20/09/2017 09:16
Sorry for your loss. I went and saw my grandad in the chapel of rest. I'm glad I did. He had cancer so obviously looked really poorly. The last time I saw him he looked like himself. It just looked like he was sleeping. It was nice to be able to go and give him one last cuddle and kiss and also to say a few things to him.
Gingernaut ·
20/09/2017 09:18
Coming from an Irish Catholic background, it's a very common thing for friends and family to 'visit' the deceased at the funeral home and there's often a gathering at the funeral home the day before the funeral, where the lid of the coffin is secured in front of the loved ones.
It's the last time anyone will see the deceased and it's a time to reminisce, share stories and cry.
The day before my dad's funeral someone cracked a joke and we all laughed.
There's no harm in visiting your dad, OP. If you want to go, then go. He was your dad, it's not as if you're some random with a morbid interest in some dead stranger.
WatchingFromTheWings ·
20/09/2017 09:37
Sorry for your loss.
I didn't want to see my dad after he died but changed my mind last minute. I was so glad I did as he looked relaxed and peaceful. He'd suffered for a long time in the lead up to his death and it was awful to see.
Blossomdeary ·
20/09/2017 09:49
It is, as others have said, a very personal decision - and you do not know whether visiting is the right thing or not till after you have done it.
I saw my Mum in the funeral home, with my Dad, and it felt wrong to me - Dad was upset that he had gone, as he said she looked better when he saw her immediately after her death in the home and would rather have remembered that. I just felt nothing - I could not relate to her body at all. She was a fiery and somewhat challenging lady, who died after a dementia illness, so the woman who was dying and the corpse itself seemed to bear no relation to the lady I had known all my life. One thing stood out - she looked much smaller than I had remembered her.
When Dad then died I chose not to go and see the corpse - the last time I had seen him in the home, he and I were watching Wimbledon and discussing the chances of each player - I preferred to remember that.
I am sorry for your loss - but do not feel that you should see him - or should not see him. There is no should about it. I can only say that I saw one parent and not the other, and in each case, this did not seem detrimental to the grieving process.
cupoftea12 ·
20/09/2017 10:12
Sorry about your father Grief is personal to everyone. I saw my great grandmother in the chapel of rest and didn't like it much while I was there - she had been embalmed and looked nothing like herself. I was present when she died so I don't know if this changed my perception at all.
However it did help with the burial process. Some who had not seen her struggled with the thought of her being buried, but seeing her in the chapel of rest had assured me that the gran I knew was no longer present, that her soul had moved on. So it made the thought of her being buried much easier for me.
I don't know if this will help but it's my personal experience. I hope whatever you choose helps you cope
BelindaBlinked ·
20/09/2017 10:15
Listen to your gut op. If you feel like you need to see him then do it.
I saw my mum and it did help me accept she had truly died. Part of me felt like it was an elaborate joke being played on me but seeing her gave me the first step to closure.
Sorry to hear about your Dad though 
take care of yourself
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