I will try to be brief...I've posted on other topics here before...
Met DH when I was 19, him 20. Been together 11 years, married for 9 with two lovely daughters aged 7 and 2.
First couple of years we put each other through hell. I was jealous, insecure and paranoid and used to accuse him/go on at him over silly things. He was violent at times.
Got married in 2008, we were so happy! Had our first child 2009, I'd had miscarriages which he blamed himself for (he'd given me herpes and I had some scarring, we don't know it was the cause but think it was). Things were great.
2015 we had our second child. He didn't want another, and shocked me by actually writing down his reasons which were mostly that he'd only ever wanted one, and that I wasn't "the same" with him anymore. He agreed in the end and when she was born he fell head over heels.
End of 2015 he found out I'd amassed large amounts of debt. The money didn't bother him as such, it was more the web of lies. He said he felt our marriage had been mostly a lie, things would never be the same, I wasn't the person I used to be etc. He smashed up the house when he found out and the neighbours called the police, who involved social services as the two kids were in bed. SS didn't do anything as they felt the kids were not at risk but it was a very very stressful time.
2016 was up and down - we had some months we weren't together (but living together) and some good months too. I'd told him I wanted a divorce. Reason being is that he was doing nothing with the kids, and since he met his friend (his only friend to be fair), he'd started going out getting drunk and rolling in at all hours.
Jan 2017 I found he was ordering equipment to harm himself (mumsnet says I can't say what or how so I won't). I confronted him, I told him all the things he'd miss (the girls weddings etc) and asked if he'd thought of that. He said he had, but that the kids would get over it and be better off without him. I asked what about me and he said "finally! Took you long enough!" because I'd spent so long going on about the girls. I asked him what would stop him feeling this way and he said "you not being mental". I think at the time I had also said I wanted a divorce and this was a factor.
Shortly after I found him trying to purchase materials again, and again confronted him - I even emailed the place begging them not to serve him.
Late Feb 2017 I left him, took the kids and everything we owned for 2 weeks. During that time he asked to see them, was "I'm not bothered if you come or not" and then completely changed and started telling me he needed me, loved me, needed all his girls etc. I took the kids to see him and I swear to god in 11 years I'd never seen him like that, he had tears, he was desperate for us back. We came back and he was the happiest I'd seen him in ages, he was making a huge effort.
It was stressful in March as we moved house, to a house only in my name. It was a relief to be away from the neighbour (DH never forgave her and we spent our lives avoiding her which was hell) and we'd finally got a nice big house in the area we wanted. I thought life was good.
End of April we fell out, I think the day after DD2's birthday, and he stayed in a hotel as I threw him out. He came back the next day and I told him he could come to her tea party. (He later said he came back to sort it out, but he ignored me the whole time!) He overheard me saying my best friend and her partner were coming. Next thing he storms downstairs, announces "I have to go as she's arranged for me to be beaten up in front of the kids" and left.
Emails went back and forth, insults and accusations. He was gone less than 2 weeks and rented a room (hotels too expensive). He came to see the kids and we agreed he should come home. He said he'd tried to give me time to calm down but I hadn't, which is why he rented a room. By this time it was mid May.
End of May was our wedding anniversary, he spoiled me with gifts and we had a date night.
June was ok, we had ups and downs. We went on holiday the first week of this month (July).
On holiday he drank a lot - something I am hyper sensitive to as even one drink can make him nasty. On one day he refused to eat all day and ended up drinking all day instead then throwing up. He told me there was something wrong with the cocktail and that made him poorly but I didn't believe it. The holiday was hard work as we have a toddler and DD1 was a complete nightmare. We spent no time together in the evenings thanks to her behaviour (I'll explain in a minute) and the whole thing was really really hard work.
DD1's behaviour for over 6 months maybe a year has been dreadful. It has put us under unbelievable stress. She is a whiny brat all day with a disgusting attitude. Doesn't listen, doesn't behave. At night time it could take anything from 1-6 hours to get her to bed and let me leave the room. She would scream "owwwwwwww" "you're hurting me" etc even if nobody there, and if I sent DH she'd scream "get him away from me! he's killing me!" even though he wasn't, just to get rid of him. I admit I was awful to her, I was shouting at her, calling her names, saying awful things to her. I even smacked her a few times (not hard) which I am so ashamed of because up until this year I had never once smacked her.
In hindsight DH was right and I should have just left her to scream, but I was so scared of her waking up DD2 or the neighbours calling the social or something. We used to argue over it, and he blamed me because me going on at her just made it all worse.
Anyhow...
last Thursday (13th) we were watching tv as normal, DD2 was woken up and was with us, cuddling etc. and DD1 started up. For a few hours I went up and yelled, the usual stuff - then DH came up and smacked her. I was so scared I yelled "get off her!" as he smacked her hard. It left a handprint, which faded quickly but still.
DH then called me a vindictive bitch, said I'd yelled at him to make the neighbours call the police, threatened to call them himself. I begged him not to and he didn't. Friday the 14th I stayed in a hotel with the kids and emailed him how illegal/cruel it was to hit DD1 and that I couldn't forgive him, that all holiday I had done EVERYTHING (true) and all he'd done is drink etc. I told him to leave.
Came home Saturday 15th and he was in bed, I told him to leave and went out for the day. Came back and he was still there. I asked him to let me have the bed with DD2 as she was poorly and he just ignored me. He then set his phone up to record him (and the room) which I presumed was some sort of "evidence" against me.
All day Saturday/Sunday he stayed in bed. No food, nothing. I remember going in and he was looking at the ceiling and I thought he was depressed. (In January he did similar behaviour and told me it was so he could distance himself from the kids making it easer to commit suicide). I was angry and thought he was just doing it to gather evidence of me or something.
Monday he went to work, I leave before him so didn't see him. I emailed him saying I'd left a bag in the porch for him and he needed to get it before the landlord came (to fix something). Emails went back and forth and he collected it at 8pm but I didn't see him as I was upstairs.
Tuesday he went to work as normal. Emails were going back and forth, nothing different to any other time, insults and accusations. I did list all his violence and told him he needed to admit it to himself, but he just replied with the laughing emoji and "psychopath! I hope they get to our girls soon" which set me off and I launched an email saying he'd never get custody as he's a violent alcoholic, he could never come to the house, I'd see him in court, all talk to be done legally etc.
Didn't hear back from him til 1.30am Wednesday 19th. I was asleep but something woke me up as I replied at 5.30am. I think it was DD2 screaming "I want daddy!" which freaks me out as that has never happened and I'm sure it was the night he did it...I can't be certain but something definitely woke me for me to be replying to it!
Anyway....
On weds 19th I get a phone call from the police and they admit it's to do with DH but won't say more. I call his work colleague who tells me he wasn't at work that day. I instantly knew.
The police came to tell me he'd been found dead at 6am. Approximately 1 hour away from my home.
The note was brief. It began with my name, and simply said he couldn't go on living in fear of the police, or of my friends/family beating him up. That I'd taken the girls from him but I was the abuser. It's then addressed to whoever finds him and details his money is to go only to his children, and that if they check his phone for emails/messages it will tell them all they need to know. It states the money on him was his escape fund but he wouldn't be needing it. It then ends with a message to the girls which apologises for him not being able to save them from me, and says he loves them now and forever.
There are other notes, I don't know how many, when they were written. Just that they are similar to that note. They aren't letters addressed to anyone, just notes he's made. I assume over a period of days/weeks as there are police log numbers on (he called the police out a couple of months ago, as he wanted to defend himself as he thought I'd called them?!). I know that they allude to me and have similar paranoid things in them. I will be reading them today.
I hold my hands up and I admit many times I threatened him with the police, saying I'd tell them all about his violence and have him sent to prison. I don't recall ever threatening him with people beating him up, but he has heard stories of people I know doing it to other people. I did threaten him with contact centres a lot, but both times we split up he saw the kids with me, at my home or public place. I also told him how I had photos/videos/cctv/witnesses to his abuse which isn't strictly true (he did see photos of bruises but they weren't by him, he just thought I was gathering evidence but it was just because I kept bruising and wanted to show my GP)
I think he was afraid I'd tell the police he hit DD1 and that she'd back it up and then he'd go to prison and/or never see the girls again.
He was always convinced he'd never see the girls again even if he went to court etc. He was convinced I'd make up lies to prevent it. In his mind if we split, he'd never see them (even though he did!)
He always used to say I "made shit up" to have a go at him, and I was always in a mood. I admit I have been in a mood a lot due to lack of sleep and DD1's behaviour along with everyday stress.
In some of his emails he says he wasn't allowed to go out unless it was for work, which is kind of true as I stopped him going out getting drunk and didn't like his friend. But it never bothered him, he said he didn't mind. He didn't have any family (estranged many years ago) or friends, other than one who we will call D. And I took D away from him by not letting him go out.
I've spoken to D a lot as they worked together, and there are things about DH that I never knew which surprised me. A lot of the times I assumed he was out with D, he can't have been, as D says they only went out 4 times in 2 years, and that DH sent a couple of messages saying he was already out asking him to join him. So DH must have been going alone as he knew nobody else.
Me and the girls were DH's world, all he had. He had a good job, good salary, nice house. He was a very private person, hard to get close to and NEVER spoke about things, but then again I would tell him not to tell D all about our marriage so maybe I took that from him too.
I just put myself in DH's shoes - he comes home from work, maybe stressed, DD1 is playing up or arguing with me, I'm in a mood, I then have a go at him etc... every day... he can't escape as he's not allowed to go out drinking, so he's trapped...
Bereavement
I killed my husband. TRIGGER.
mommytoangel2 · 27/07/2017 10:48
I'm so sorry that you've been through all this. It sounds like things have been hard for you and your girls for a long time. Also agree with pp that counselling for all of you would be a way to get through this.
I'm sure there is nothing that anyone can say to make this better, but for what it's worth, this isn't your fault.
It sounds like your husband was dealing with some serious mental health issues which eventually overwhelmed him. I don't personally believe that anyone has the power to drive someone to suicide, regardless of what was said and done.
Please be kind to yourself and your daughters and seek help as soon as you can 
Listen to me. You did NOT kill your husband. He made a very, very stupid decision to end his own life, and the blame for that is 100% his.
Many, many people find their way out of unhappy relationships. It's rarely easy, but people do it. There are always alternatives to such drastic action. The fact that he couldn't see that may be due to MH issues, but it is absolutely definitely not your fault.
Ultimately, it's a very selfish action. He leaves your children fatherless. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
You are not to blame. He was a deeply troubled soul, who made your and your children's lives hell. I hope you can find peace and comfort sometime soon. And yes, you need very good grief counselling at the very least.
I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this and that you feel this way. I hope that you find peace with the situation.
OP you did not make this happen. He did.
You are going through a terrible time and it must be awful. You've also endured a very difficult relationship for a long time, which must have dragged you down. You stood up to him over the smacking which was the right thing to do - good for you. It was, very sadly, his problem that he couldn't handle the prospect of you ending the relationship, and his decision to do what he did. I'm glad you and your DC are safe.
It sounds very much as if he put a lot of effort into blaming you for all sorts of things, and that sank in. No one's perfect of course but he was to blame for his poor behaviour, and his suicide. His notes blaming you don't mean that you are to blame. they mean he was someone who wasn't able to take responsibility for himself. Even if he was ill, that doesn't make it your fault.
You need as much RL support and comfort as you can get now. Do you have family, friends etc around you and/or a nice GP to talk to about your feelings, who could help you get counselling?
So sorry for what you've been though
Oh OP. You've had a tough time of it haven't you.
As pps are saying, it was in no way your fault. It will take time to realise that because it's still raw right now. Just focus on getting your DCs and yourself through this. Thinking of you
A person who uses threats of suicide to control another person is abusive. A person who hits their children is abusive. A person who smashes up the home is abusive.
This is not your fault. You have been through, and are going through, unbelievable trauma. Please take up any offer of counselling or go see your GP.
I wish you and DDs the best
Oh you poor love.
Slightly radical but I'm not convinced he even truly blames you - it seems part of a cowardly effort to shift any responsibility in your unhappy relationship from himself, or at the very least it's a symptom of how his bad mental state was warping his perspective. Plus anyone who really thinks their partner is abusive towards their own children sticks around to protect them.
He took his life because he was unwell, not because you did x,y,z; it just doesn't work that way. His meanness or his illness caused him to blame you, but that's a very different thing to the blame actually lying with you.
You can feel sad, hurt, angry, compassion for his pain, a whole host of things. But please not responsiblilty for his death. That will send you mad and leave you picking over the past (no good for you or your children). Accept that this was his horrible decision that he made alone, in spite of your children's best interests and focus on the future and getting though this.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through it though, it's a terrible trauma for all of you 
Hi all,
We've been in touch with the OP about this - and have edited the OP post as we're afraid we don't allow details of suicide in this way.
Our very best wishes at this awful time, OP
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