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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Does anyone have no close family

76 replies

JustDanceAddict · 15/10/2016 15:31

My parents died when I was relatively young, I'm an only child and only have one living aunt and her two DDs as my closest living family. Aunt is by marriage, but she is like a 'real' aunt. They don't live in the U.K. Though. Another close relative of mine also passed away this year and I was gutted. This means that apart from dh & 2 dcs (teens) I haven't really got close extended family and it's a very weird feeling not to be 'tethered'. I have in-laws, but it's no way the same and I don't really like them!! Anyone else in a similar position? Most of my friends still have at least one living parent/siblings, etc.

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ssd · 15/10/2016 23:38

I feel the same. I have siblings in another country who I may never see again. We arent close and have no bond. My parents are dead and I've no extended family.

I dont know anyone else in RL like me!!

Thank god for dh and the dc's (teens)

I always feel lonely and out on a limb. I notice friends with family being more secure than me, more tethered as you say.

I long for family.

JustDanceAddict · 16/10/2016 09:39

Sorry to hear you're in same position sad. I don't think anyone understands really. I thank goodness for dh/kids and my good friends. What about your dh's family? Are they around/decent people?

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TanteJeanne · 16/10/2016 10:48

I have no parents and my husband died when my kids were 4 and 9. Thank god for my brother and sisters. It's not the same as having parents or a husband but thank god for them. Let's be grateful for what we do have!

ssd · 16/10/2016 10:52

not really, his parents are dead, his brother literally has no contact with us at all and his sister has married someone and sees his family all the time and doesnt come near us either..I've kind of gave up with them, I invite them over now and then just so my kids can have a bit of family time but they just arent that interested in us.

I dont really know what to do about it, you cant magic people out of thin air, can you!

like you I thank god for dh and the ds's and my friends.

its is hard, I agree!

Winniethepooer · 16/10/2016 11:00

My sil has only a brother. Parents passed away. They were both only dc.

We are a big family & she loves it. (We love her to).

JustDanceAddict · 18/10/2016 16:43

Tante - I am grateful most of the time, but I do occasionally get upset about it, which is normal. I'm sorry to hear about your parents and husband too.

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skyisswirlingcolours · 18/10/2016 16:44

I've got no one. My mum died when I was 7, my dad died 4 years ago, my brother is alive but his life is a mess. I know this sounds so awful but I hate it when people say I know how you feel because my nan died. I'm like - you don't!

JustDanceAddict · 18/10/2016 16:44

Ssd - you certainly can't magic people up or change their views. I am c thankful for dh, dcs and friends. I prob rely too much on my friends, but thankfully they put up with it as they know my situation.,

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skyisswirlingcolours · 18/10/2016 16:45

I found that with my midwife when I was having my baby, she kept saying 'you must have somebody'

JustDanceAddict · 18/10/2016 16:47

Winnie - glad you are there for your sil. Am sure she appreciates it. I suppose if your parents were onlies you will have no aunts/uncles or cousins.

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JustDanceAddict · 18/10/2016 16:51

Sky - sorry to hear that. I take it you have a child then, but not a partner? That must be really hard. I get what you mean when people say 'my nan died...' er, no. Yes, it's sad when a close family member dies, but if you still have parents it's not the same. I'm trying to foster a good relationship between my DCs and their first cousins (obv on dh's side as I'm an only), so they have some close, decent family. BIL
Is ok, he has some weird traits but I trust him implicitly, but his wife is awful and has major issues. If we'd got on it would be great as she also has minimal family, but she's basically unpleasant & has some form of personality disorder!!

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skyisswirlingcolours · 18/10/2016 16:52

I've got a husband (how else did you think I got my baby!) but the midwife couldn't seem to get her head around the fact I have no one else. DH works away.

CPtart · 18/10/2016 16:56

My mum died last month in an accident at 69, my dad died aged 54 almost 20 years ago. I'm 44 and have just one brother who lives an hour away and I rarely see. My aunts and uncles all moved away over the years, now at the other end of the country. I have DH and my DC but sometimes feel so alone. I know some people literally have no-one, but It doesn't stop me feeling wistful.

ssd · 18/10/2016 17:00

I think its a different world when you dont have your parents. I've got really bad health anxiety just now, am getting cbt but I'm not sure if its helping. I know the root cause is feeling theres no one there for my dc's apart from dh and it terrifies me. I feel isolated and anxious an awful lot of the time and I wish it would just go away!!!

ssd · 18/10/2016 17:01

for everyone here x

Helenluvsrob · 19/10/2016 20:45

My sister lives in Spain. We get on fine, but after last weekend she's " used up" the flights she booked before dad died ( she's been over 3x in 2016 incl dads funeral which we delayed to fit with her dates) and won't be back till next summer. I hope to see her before then but seeing her 2-3x year isn't much.

I feel very much " an orphan" as mum died in 2015 and dad early this year. My inlaws are lovely though and I have known them 32yrs and they do all feel like family.

Lolimax · 19/10/2016 20:52

I'm an only child of 2 only children, so no siblings, cousins, aunts or uncles. Both my parents have died so the only 'blood' relatives I have are my 2 amazing DC's.
I have married into a huge family (2nd marriage) which I struggle with. I had a dysfunctional upbringing and don't do forced family events or relations very well. I have a fab and understanding DH though.

Parsley1234 · 19/10/2016 20:52

I have my beautiful son - my mum died when he was born and my dad died 5 years ago my brother isn't interested in us and my boyfriends family are definitely not which I've accepted after really trying hard with them. However my exs mum really makes an effort she cannot believe I am so alone, she makes me food invites us to all celebrations - they're Hindu she really loves me and I'm so grateful for that. It's a horrible fealing feeling so alone and rootless it overwhelms me sometimes.

JustDanceAddict · 21/10/2016 13:05

Hugs to you all in the same or similar positions,
Sky - people hsving babies don't always have husbands, but I'm glad you do.
I try not too think about it all too much, but at certain times of the year I can't help it!!
You can def feel like an orphan as an adult. Not a nice feeling at all.

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passportmess · 21/10/2016 13:23

parsley your ex's mum sounds lovely and so kind.

my parents are still alive but live over the other side of the world with my sister (they all emigrated). They are all emotionally abusive to me and are very dysfunctional so there is now no contact. I know it is not the same as having lost family through death as there is, of course, always a chance of reconciliation so my heart goes out to those of you who have lost family members.

It is just me, dh and ds here. Dh has a strained relationship with his dm and dsis but his Dad is lovely.

I do feel very untethered and bereft but I do my best to create a little network. When a friend lost his Mum recently (after losing his Dad in childhood) I have really made an effort to keep in touch and support him. I've never had all that much support from my family either in terms of contact or emotionally so I'm used to it but there is this feeling of being a bit of a bystander while others have their families around them. It's not what I've wanted but it's the reality of what I've got!

my best to all of you.

passportmess · 21/10/2016 13:30

I have just noticed that this is the Bereavement thread. I hope I have not caused offence by posting given that my parents are still alive. I do not want to cause any offence.

crayfish · 21/10/2016 13:34

I'm a bit different as it is partly by choice but I am only in contact with one blood relative now (bar my DS) and that has been the case for a number of years. She is my 90 year old grandmother and lives away so I haven't actually seen her for three years or so.

It's weird, on the one hand I don't mine being a bit of a 'lone wolf' and being free from tiresome family obligations, but on the other it makes me feel very disconnected. I don't live in or near the place where i was born or brought up either so often feel no ties to anything other than my husband and son. My DH has a large and colse family which i have found it very difficult to adjust to but I am glad that we have them for the sake of DS. It is also entirely the right thing for me not to have my family in my life so I appreciate that I will feel quite different to some of you who are in this situation due to bereavement. An odd thing about my situation is that people are often oddly interested in it and struggle to get their heads around me never speaking to my own parents and us not even knowing where the other lives. They think it in interesting and mysterious but really it's just very sad, and for me, old news.

crayfish · 21/10/2016 13:35

Sorry! I also didn't realise this was in bereavement. I hope I haven't upset anyone with my post.

passportmess · 21/10/2016 14:15

crayfish I don't live where I grew up either so I understand. My dear friend who has just lost his Mum (and only surviving parent) is also emigrating at the moment so he feels that he has lost all bearings. At some stage, in the usual order of things, your parents die before you but sometimes you are very young or sometimes it happens in middle age. My friend is in his mid-40s but is not married and doesn't have kids (but has nephews). He says he suddenly feels very adult - there is no one older than him in the family to turn to for advice. And his Mum was such an inspiration to everyone - it's a real loss and a real change in the life dynamic. I think it also brings our own mortality to the fore. As one poster further up mentioned health anxiety can be an issue.

Parsley1234 · 22/10/2016 09:35

What I've realised through having no one is that kindness can come from different places and actions do speak louder than words. My boyfriends sister now wd say oh you are part of our family but I just think no I'm not ! All the effort I've made with them has gone un reciprocated but my sons grandma does actions like food, inviting me for divali, letting me stay when in London etc. I feal really lucky with them which I didn't appreciate when I was with my ex but now I really really do.

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