I have a 2 yr old, he's 3 on Thursday. We had birthday plans, loads of plans for decorating and improving the house, he was in the middle of an OU degree. He was really unhappy in his job but I thought it was a temporary thing - just one of those really stressful phases of life but had light at the end of the tunnel. We were totally in love - in a tired parents stressful phase but a really deep love underneath that. I came home to police on the doorstep and a beautiful letter from DH saying he couldn't bare to not be the man who makes me happy (a mantra he had ever since we got together - he always said he wanted to be the man to make me happy).
I have so many lovely friends and family about, haven't been alone in the house since (tonight will be first night alone). For the first few days after the police telling me I was distraught, crying all the time, exhausted. That seemed like an appropriate response which properly reflected the depth of my love.
While I've been planning the funeral etc, after putting DS to bed and sometimes waking up in the mornings I've had overwhelming feelings of grief, terrified of life alone, that I'll never have that depth of connection and shared worldview I had with DH. But a lot of the time (like now) I'm struggling to have any feelings - just a numbness, maybe still shock. From day 3 I've slept really soundly - think my body just gave out after not sleeping at all. But that feels so wrong!
Having DS means I have to care for him, keep him in his nursery routine etc, even though there's people around to help me I still need to direct them. DS has taken everything so well.
I'm so worried that life is just marching on. DS barely mentions DH (though I've told him the basics on the advice of a charity). Is it normal to feel so on top of things at this point? I feel so guilty.
Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.
Bereavement
My DH killed himself 11 days ago
Hero1callylost · 24/05/2016 07:43
it's the stages of grief thing isnt it.
You go through differing emotions and acceptances. Your DS being so young is very accepting, probably doesn't grasp the finality.
Sadly there are at least 3 ladies on here who have been.widowed by suicide in the last few months, threads you possibly remember 
someone will be along soon who has been there.
in the meantime, be kind to yourself and rake help that's offered
I'm so sorry for your loss
What you're feeling sounds totally normal. You're probably still in shock and you're going through the motions because you have to. You have nothing to feel guilty about at all.
again, I am so sorry
I have no first hand experience but I couldn't read and run. I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this
You are likely still in shock. You have been very practical and are on top of all the arrangements that need taking care of as your son needs you to. You sound like an amazing mummy and your own emotions will take time and will likely hit you in the months to come when you're least expecting it. Take your time and please try not to feel guilty.
My heart goes out to you, you are doing such an amazing job simply functioning in this situation.
I'm sure you will feel all sorts of emotions as a result of this tragedy, please let others support & guide you through this as much as possible. Sometimes we cope with trauma by clinging to routine in an attempt to retain some control over life; don't feel guilty at doing that.
Also, children react differently in such times; he is very young & will process it at his own rate. Simply be there for him as he grows & asks questions.
I wish you love & strength for your future with DS, now & in the long term. He is a very lucky boy to have you.
My H killed himself in Jan. Jumped in front of a tube.
Very different situation as he had not behaved well and it is this (betrayal) I struggle with more than his death.
My DC are 7,5 and almost 2. They have coped well although I made H leave a week before he died (he had had an affair at our shared workplace which he had been caught out on, but I'd been asking him to shape up and start being a good husband and father - or go - for months). My eldest son asked me last night 'why did you make him go?' I explained he had had someone else and that is not ok when you're married but I worry our relationship (mine and eldest DS) will suffer.
Not sure I can be that helpful as I am still too livid to do any grieving and he had been foul for ages.
I can tell you tho that kids adjust amazingly.
I have since gone back to work and gotten more childcare so I can go out with friends and go to the gym and work and all the things I used to do, as well as spend time with DC. It helps.
I am so sorry.
I can absolutely understand why people might be furious. OP, I know your situation is different and I'm so sorry - you must miss him terribly. But for dilys and moosmummie, yes, I can see why you'd be livid. It puts you in the wrong (though clearly you're not) and it makes them the victim and it leaves you explaining to your children what's happened, it leaves them fatherless and you have to explain your relationship to people when it's none of their business. Dilys, I hope that woman is no longer working there.
to all of you.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.