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My baby boy died

(34 Posts)
FrillsandLaces Tue 09-Apr-13 06:07:10

I lost my baby boy last month. We found out at his 5 month scan that he was very poorly, his kidneys hadnt formed properly, were full of cysts and one had stopped working. This meant that his lungs wouldnt develop as they shoukd of. They offered me a termination i agonised for 3 weeks what to do. They said even if we made it full term he would never come home he woukd live in hospital on a dialasis and a ventilator. We decided it would be kinder to let him go. I was 23 weeks and 6 days when i gave birth to my little boy.

I know he would of never of made it, logically i know this. But theres still a voice in my head thats tellibg me iv made a terribke mistake and he would of been ok. I really wanted my son, we had been trying for a long time and i had begun to think that i was infertile. I was so hapoy when i found out i was going to be a mum.

I feel like im drowning, i cry everyday i cant stop thinking about him. I gave birth to him and i just keep reliving it. The doxtors didnt exoecr him to be alive when he was born, but he was. And he lived for half an hour. My heart hurts, i cant sleep because i keep waking up panicking.

How do people cope? Really how? Im massivly struggling, my son is the onky person who iv ever lost. And i want him back so badly, i should be 7 months pregnant now. This isnt how itvwas meant to be,

It helps to write my thoughts down, i cant talk to people im an absolute mess. My partner is as devastated as i am, he is our first child and we had so many plans for him. I have no idea how to help my partner i cant even bring myself to get out of bed nost days.

How do people get through this? I cant cope with feeling this awful, its like im drowning, my emotions just wont stop, i was numb at first and now i just have an awful pain that wont go away.

I also feel because we decided to let our little boy go that i dont have any right to be upset about it. I knew what ibwas doing, i didnt want to ibreally didnt butvthey said he woukd of never been able to live a healthy life. I didnt want that for him. But i didnt want him to die. I feel like because we made that choice that im not allowed to be upset. As stupid as that sounds.

Sorryvthis is all rambly, i just needed to clear my head of these thoughts

Nordicmom Tue 09-Apr-13 17:05:24

I'm so very sorry for you ! I had lots of early misscarriages but feel they were not the same as losing a baby later on in the pregnancy . Can't imagine how you are feeling . Have u gotten any help ? You need to talk to someone , probably some sort of therapy could help although I never went anywhere for my 10 losses . Only thing I can say in general is that I find in time things will get easier a bit after people die although you never can get over a loss completely , it'll always be there. I do hope you will be able to move on with your life and hopefully have another healthy pregnancy if that is what you would like . Life does go on eventually eventhough it feels like its over . Big hug

pumpkinsweetie Tue 09-Apr-13 17:10:54

So very sorry for the loss of your little boy thanks.
Sending hugs to you op, you brave lady xxx xxx

MildredIsMyAlterEgo Tue 09-Apr-13 17:11:10

So sorry to hear this flowers

I hope you are able to get lots of support xx

VeganCow Wed 10-Apr-13 01:52:21

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy x

FrillsandLaces Wed 10-Apr-13 01:56:05

Thank you for all your kind replies x

I would like to tell you my sons name but I dont want to be recognised. We told everyone that our son just passed away, i didnt want to be judged for what i did. The only people who know thatvwe decided to have an abortion is my mum and sister and my step dad.

He was due in July. When I was in labour with him id said to the midwife " Im sure I can still feel him kicking" she said she doubted it because usually the babies pass away before thir born because its too much stress on their little bodies and with the pain releif id had his body wouldnt be able to take it. As soon as he was born I asked the midwife if he was dead, she smiled and said no hes kicking and punching ( he was born in his sac ) she had to tear the sac to get him out and my partner cut the umbilical chord.

She passed him to me straight away, his mouth was opening and shutting but he didnt make a sound. I told him i loved him and laughed and said were not meant to meet yet, you were due in July. I asked ny partner if he wanted to hokd him and bless him he said " can i?"

As soon as he held him my partner gave him a cuddle and a kiss and then started crying. I feel bad for this now because i said to him quite harshly " Dont get upset infront of him i want him to remember us happy not crying and upset".

We then got took into a flat as such on the ward where my partner dressed him. My step dad had made a tiny babygrow and boots and gloves tobdress our baby in. It was lovely to have clothes for him, my youngest sister knitted him a blanket and we wrapped him up in that too. We also gave him a bath and we got to spebd a few hours just like a normal family. It judt seemed like he was asleep thevwhole time. I had him on sunday 10th march which was mothers day so i got to spend a mothers day with him.

I couldnt bring myself to leave him, ivstayed in hospital with him for two days i just couldnt let him go. I decidedvaswell that i wanted to take him tovthe chapel of rest myself, i didnt want strangers touching him, hed be scared. We put him in a nice basjet with a lid he had a teddy and about 6 blabkets lol. I didnt want him to get cold. We went and saw him everyday before the funeral. It hurt so much leaving him everytime.

I had my son cremated and his ashes are in my front room for now, i have no idea what i want to dobwith them. Ivdidnt want him to be buried because id want to see him all the time and he would of been scared on his own. My uterus is still going back into place, it eels like him kicking and i jeep forgetting hes not inside me anymore.

Thank you for your lovely replies, Im going to have a look at SANDS online, i find it a lot easier to write rather than to actually talk. Its an emotional rollercoaster, one minute im numb then im devastaed and then im well and truky angry. Im so so angry but theres no one to be angry at, it wasnt anyones fault.

Missymoo, im really sorry. That isva terrible thing to happen to anyone. Ive only been out a few times but most people know whats happened. No one mentions it though and people have barely spoke to me. I know its because they dont know what to say. It doesnt help though i just feel even more alone.

People have said you can always have another baby. But ivdont want another baby, i want the baby iv lost. Plus i dont think we will fall pregnant again for a long time, my partner is on medication which makes his sperm really slow. We worked out the date i conceived our son and it was when my partner had missed his tablets for two or three days. I do want to have more children in the future but not right now. And i know its going to be hard to get pregnant again. We were unbelievly happy when we found out we were pregnant, we decided to keep it a secret till the 3 month scan and then by an hour later wed told everyone we could think of lol.

Weve decided to go on holiday next month but im not really excited for it as such. It will be nice to get away for a while but right now i just cant think positive thoughts about anything. Iv had depression in the past and im trying so hard not to fall into this black hole thats trying to swallow me up. I keep trying to be upbeat but i cant.

Thank you so much for your lovely replies, youve all made me feel a bit better. Im sorry so many of us have been through the same thing.

Just remebered, my partner said a lovely thing the other day. Becayse i dont know anyone who had died i dont know anyone who coukd look after my baby wherever his soul went, i got upset at the thiught of him being on his own. My partner had laughed and said " But hes not on his own, hes here with us and he always will be" he also said he likes to think that our son is with other babies that passed away in the same room, so he will have lots if friends still. Daft i kno but uts made me feel a bit better about wherever he has gone

Thankvyou all fir taking the time to reply youve been lovely xxx

weaselwomble Wed 10-Apr-13 02:17:34

Hello frills.
Just wanted to say I am so so sorry for your loss. I have no children so I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling, but I couldn't read without posting.
Your DP sounds lovely and together, eventually you will get through this.
I didn't catch whether you're new or not, but if you are please hang around, you'll find lots of support on here.
Wish you the best of luck for the future.

moreyear Wed 10-Apr-13 02:19:03

Oh I am so, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wee boy and so sorry that all I can offer you are these trite words. I lost a baby to a late miscarriage and the pain is always there but it does lessen with time and you learn to accommodate it. I have a bracelet with his birthstone (actual and due)on it and it helps me to feel he is with me still.

Keep the ashes close by if that feels right - you don't need to do anything with them. He is with you for always and ever. xx

FrillsandLaces Wed 10-Apr-13 03:24:14

My partner is lovely, he was fab through out all of this. I havnt coped well but i think i would of found all of this a lot harder without him, we've had oyr ups and downs as most couples have but all of this has made me realise how much i love him and how very glad i am that hes my partner and my sons daddy. He was brilliant with our baby aswell, hes a huge man and watching him be so gentle with our son makes me well up now just thinking about it.

Yes i am new, i posted about this just as we found out which was about 5 6 weeks ago now i think. Iv found it helpful on here though, everyones been lovely. Because i had an abortion i yhought people on here would judge me but no one has and iv apreciated veryone being so nice.

I want to get a bracelet of somesort, if i could afford it id love to have his ashes put in a ring. Its way to expensive though ob the sites iv looked at.

Thank you xx

Velve Wed 10-Apr-13 09:38:54

YEs, joining the SANDS forum really helped me, like you I'm better at writing things down than talking about them. I break down easily if I talk and end up saying nothing.

I got a little silver necklace that could house a bit of my daughter's ashes. I think it was from here:
I got the heart shaped pendant and they kindly engraved it for me. I feel a bit better being able to carry a part of my daughter with me always.
They are not expensive so well worth looking at if you want something like this.

I hope today is gentle on you. xx

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