Hello
I am seeking opinions on what is acceptable behaviour from our four year old boy. When is it just 'spirited and limit testing' or a sign of more serious behaviour issues such as oppositional defiance disorder? Our son makes everyday a struggle. A struggle to get up, a struggle to have breakfast, a struggle to get dressed etc..I know a lot of these are part in the parcel of being a four year old, and if were these sorts of things alone I wouldn't be so worried, but it is the intensity in which he displays a range of behavioural traits that I am very worried about.
My husband- inhumanly patient- thinks it's normal, but as a mother I feel something has always been extra difficult, just not quite right. Unfortunately because he has always been very challenging, we seem to be trapped in a constant negative cycle of defiance - consequences and punishment. Over the years we have become so immune to the way things have become it seems like we are living in a prison camp with constant reprimanding, constant breaking rules, constant consequences etc..but it is obviously not working! He KNOWS the rules but either cannot or won't listen to them. The usual strategies I see other parents use just have little or no effect with him.
To list some of his troubling behaviour:
- defiance most of the time. Not able to listen and follow a request from most people. As his mother I feel like I have very little control over him.
- difficulty in socialising with his peers. In any given situation- school, plsydate, outing with family friends, holiday, he will disrupt the social harmony. It is heartbreaking to watch, to always see that it is him causing the problem. For example there might be kids playing with something, he will come over and either dominate, disturb the peace etc. If he is reprimanded he will try to make amends, but in a way that seems to alienate himself even further. He doesn't seem to able to read the situation. On a good day or when he's trying really hard, he will want to scoaljalsie with the kids, he will say something like 'would you like to play ball with me?' And sometimes for a short period might be ok but most often than not the other child will not want to play with him and will seek out the parent or some sort of conflict will arise.
- he can be aggressive towards other children very easy to push and shove etc.. even if they are younger than him, doesn't seem to register. Again i know this happens, but it just seems to happen a lot with him
- agressive towards caretaker ( mother, nanny or whoever in charge) if he is asked to do something he doesn't want to do. Can escalate very quickly. Hits, kicks, bites etc..again am i being unreasonable to expect. A 4,1/2 year old not to bite anymore?
- seeks company of older people. Doesn't seem to have developed any friends at school (although only started in September) but calls his teachers his friends. ( was the same at nursery)
- cannot cope with transitions or change in routine. E.gs: at school gates at pick up if I don't swoop in for a swift removal and linger for even a few seconds he might rip of his coat, start running around manically, might even jump into the street, will annoy other children by poking them, pulling at them while walking passed. Have noticed him even giving slight kicks to other parents who are waiting for their children. I have a five month old baby with me and cannot run after him if he runs around like a maniac in central London. It is to the point that I am too scared to take him anywhere if I have the baby with me (even if she's in a sling, he is so fast it scares me that I can't control what's going on) Another example at the school Xmas concert, he found it very difficult to stay in his place and perform the three or four songs. There were two teachers positioned around him to keep him in line from either annoying the other children (tapping shoulders, poking and even kicking them) or wanting to run out to me. Afterwards there was a classroom breakfast with all the parents, and again it sent him
Into 'naughtiness', running around, pulling and pushing his classmates, even stomped on one of this classmates' father as he picked her up to remove her from his proddings. It seems he just can't cope with any social situation, but then again our home life is no better. I feel like I am on egg shells attempting to do 'normal' things but everything turns out to be a struggle. He is full of energy and very active so we do a lot of exercise, but again swimming classes and football classes are a struggle because he simply won't listen or follow the rules.
It is very alienating because people don't understand from the outside that he is not just a 'naughty boy' and that we have tried everything to engage him in positive ways.
My patience is at wits end as there does not seem to be any normality left. He started school in September and have already been called in to discuss his behaviour a few times. I am worried they will ask him to leave. Our GP has referred him to CAHMS for assessment. We are in North London and am wondering if anyone has any similar experiences of either or both these sorts of behavioural issues and or CAHMS?
He's had a lot of change in his life ( moving countries, houses, a dad who travels and is away a lot for work) but I just cannot understand how this or our parenting could have resulted in such extreme behaviour.
To add on a good day he can be so sweet and funny but it seems the ratio towards the negative is 80/20...this can't be right..
Apologies for such a long post, desperate for some advise.
