to want to punch my best friend's DH

[devilindisguise]

Name changed as don't want to be outed!

My wonderful best friend's DH had an affair last year and she found out and retreated to my house to stay for a couple of nights with her DC whilst she decided what to do. I was diplomatic in my advice to her in that I told her it was her marriage and to do what she felt was right. She decided to make their marriage work and thankfully, they have got over the worst of it.

Since then I have received a bit of a bad vibe from her DH, either because I sent him a text when she arrived in hysterics at our house telling him he was a prize twat or because he doesn't like the fact that I know his private business (no-one else knows bar me).

My friend and I went out for a night out a couple of weeks ago, I haven't been out for 3 years because I have had 2 DC close together, he decides to ruin it by turning up
at 12pm and standing in the bar waiting to give us a lift home. He blatantly didn't speak to me and I was too pissed to care!

This week our DC's had a joint birthday party, he was there and didn't once acknowledge my presence.

It has got to the point where I am not sure what to do as it is starting to take its toll on our lovely friendship but my friend is a little bit timid and I think she is too frightened to say anything to him.

I am not sure whether I should:

(a) grin and bear it;
(b) speak directly to her DH or;
(c) speak to my friend and let her know how deeply it is upsetting me.

I feel like I am paying the price for her confiding in me and he doesn't want to be reminded that I know his personal business. Believe me when I say, it is not because he is embarrassed, he is a cocky bastard.

[Sn0wflake]

I think I would face him directly. But keep cool and collected. You just want to clear the air.

[junglist1]

This is typical. He wanted to do what he liked and keep up the pretence of being a great guy. Sounds like a wolf in sheeps clothing. Is she herself around him? I'd avoid confronting him TBH. He might punish her for it

[devilindisguise]

junglist, you have got it in one, I think I remind him of his failings. I suppose really I should just stick around even more to piss him off.

[pipWereRabbit]

Sounds as though you are his guilty conscience, tapping away at his shoulder and reminding him to stay on the rails.

[MinkyBorage]

Thing is, you shouldn't really have sent him a text. He obviously is a prize twat, but like you say, you were diplomatic in your advice to her, but texting him was not diplomatic, and it wasn't your place to do it.

I reckon you should talk to him, and try to clear the air but a good starting point might be apologising for the text. He sounds like the type to be won over by an apology!

btw, I know how you feel, I've been in the same situation with my bf, and I could punch her dh, so imo yanbu to want to punch him at all.

[wilkos]

well are you being civil to him?

because if you are not then you can't really expect civility in return. your best friend decided to take him back, so it really is none of your business anymore

i can see why you would be angry with him but for the sake of your friendship you will have to suck it up really, sorry

[Pikelit]

Tell him that if he can't behave in a civilised manner you will be forced to nail his gonads to the garden fence.

[devilindisguise]

wilkos, I couldn't be more nicer to him, I returned to normal straight away, I think I have said on countless occasions that it wasn't any of my business and kept out of it. Her marriage, her life, I don't want to interfere in it one iota. I am not that type of friend.

I did apologise for sending the text but when his poor wife was sobbing on my shoulder heartbroken, it was done in the heat of the moment as I had classed him as a friend as well (we had a good banter between us). The text wasn't nasty, more along the lines of "I can't believe you have done this to your lovely wife, you knob". Nothing too harsh.

I am still unsure how to act over it as it has upset me a lot that I am being the one who is being treated unfairly where he was the one in the wrong. He hasn't even apologised to her, he says because she wasn't giving him any emotional support or sex, he was obviously going to find it elsewhere.

The problem he is causing is that by giving me the cold shoulder, he is dragging the situation on.

Even my friend mentioned the other day that she also would prefer it if NO-ONE at all knew about it. Sounds like they both want to paper over the cracks and forget it ever happened which I understand totally.

It is very upsetting though as we truly have a great friendship and it would really devastate me if he came between us. He is very controlling.

[wilkos]

oh dear, what a situation to be in. I wonder what he is trying to gain by being so difficult?

all i can suggest is what others on here have said already, which is that as the bigger person you will have to confront him about it head on, make him aware (without losing it) that he needs to explain to you why he is giving you the cold shoulder so you can do something about it as the atmosphere is unpleasant for all concerned and he is making himself look like a big prick

hopefully he will be totally wrongfooted and just get over himself

good luck

[wilkos]

err, that last bit about um being a prick should have been struck out, oops

[flowerlady2]

Mmmm, well that's how you are supposed to feel. Can't you see he is trying to make you feel shit for being a good friend to his wife? He wants you out of the picture thank you very much. Interesting your friend says she wishes no-one knew, well on one hand yes on the privacy side of things, otherwise, he is trying to control her by isolating her and blaming her for his poor behaviour. With no-one to turn to in this situation, she probably would have believed him.

You've done the right thing, you've apologised for the text, and you've been normal with him since they got back on track. Don't change, don't duck out of the picture, carry on as you are, he is clearly very threatened by you, and you are clearly firmly lodged up his left nostril. Stay there, its his problem not yours, be there for your friend, you sound like a very good friend.

[fannybanjo]

I know wilkos, I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, by mentioning it to my friend puts her in a hard position but by not mentioning it makes me a bit of a mug.

Still not any the wiser now how to approach it.

[flowerlady2]

Sorry, meant to say in reponse choose a) grin and bear for the sake of your friend, what does yor own partner think of his behaviour towards you?

[flowerlady2]

hello, have you changed your i.d since posting this thread, or is my G&T too strong?

[Georgimama]

There is no good way to approach it. He would rather you were out of the picture, because they have chosen to forget the whole thing and you unfortunately know the nasty details - even if you have never mentioned the situation since, they both know that you know.

Might be best to draw back from a "joint" friendship, and stick to just seeing her when he isn't around. He'll do it again, she'll need you.

[fannybanjo]

Fucking hell, forgot to name change back. Never mind. Can't be arsed with this name changing malarkey anyhow!

I think she would be gutted if she knew how upset I was. Unfortunately, you remember how people make you feel and not what they say to you and for this reason, I doubt I will ever feel the same about him. Likewise she won't no matter how much she tries. I really hope he doesn't do it to her again.

[Heated]

Tell him, "What's your problem? The fact I know you dipped your wick elsewhere? You ought to be bloody glad I was there. Stop scowling at me and get over it."

Boil lanced.

[SqueezyCheesyPumpkin]

I wouldn't say a word in this case because if you do, you might be giving him reason to make your friend choose between him and you. He will turn it to his advantage to try and get rid of you.

Kill him with kindness and if he does say anything about you to your friend, she can always tell him he is being unreasonable as you are an angel in his company.

He sounds like a proper arsehole.

[fannybanjo]

PMSL Heated. If you knew me in real life, that would be the polished version! The me version is far too adult for MN! Even on a Friday night...

[fannybanjo]

Squeezy, that has crossed my mind but do you know when it gets that uncomfortable that by ignoring it you become a bit of a knob yourself, well that is how I feel. To the point where had he have been my DH and treated my friend like that, I would have serious doubts about my choice of a partner. You are right, arsehole is too kind a word for him. I wouldn't mind if it had happened a month ago but this was Easter 2008. I have had a baby since that has acted more mature.

[6feetundertheGroundhogs]

I think he's being an arse to try and drive you away, cos you know what he doesn't want you to know.

if you steam in there and confront him, it's only going to get him to dig in even further.

Would catching him alone, and killing him with kindness be a potential route to get things back on an even keel?

Sort of, Look I know she came round to me, and I'm honoured that she did, I'm so glad I could help her. I know I texted you, and that was wrong, and I apologise again. Just wanted to say to you that I'm so impressed by the way you have worked so hard to get things right between you. I'm proud of you and so happy for my dear friend. I'd love us to just to put all this behind us and go back to being the great friends we were?

Butter the bugger up and see if you can't charm him back to being civl. Lay it on thick, his ego's already ripe for flattery...

BTW, I'm suggesting this only to get him to treat you better, which is afterall what you want and what would make your dear friend happy too. I couldn't give a fiddlers feck about his efforts in the relationship, that arse is damned lucky she agreed to let him slither back.

[fannybanjo]

He is an arse 6feet because he preys on her weakness and is slowly but surely going to get her to drift away. I have been nothing but a faithful friend to her and he knows that.

My instinct tells me to ring her and lay my cards on the table. I have already mentioned to her recently that he has been rude (she agreed) and she wasn't forthcoming as to why or even say that she would have a quiet word with him. Makes me think she is terrified to upset him again for fear of losing him.

[ScaryFucker]

it sounds to me like you remind him of what a dick he has been

tbh, he would like to freeze you out

and in some ways, although your girlfriend will be grateful to you for your support at a dark time, if she is in his thrall, she will allow that to happen

so, do not speak to her about it, it will play into his hands

because, as awful as it is, you also remind her of his fuckwittedness too

if you really cannot swallow this (and I wouldn't be able to, either...), speak to him directly, something along the lines of what "heated" said

good luck, although you should know that many friendships are destroyed by this kind of thing

[fannybanjo]

Scaryfucker I think our posts crossed but I agree, many a friendship is ruined by shitty DHs. I am thankful that (for the time being!) my DH treats me with the respect I deserve and doesn't go shagging a young secretary the minute I an consumed with my life as a mother and homemaker and then blame me for it. Really, they both are to be pitied.

They are living the most ideal life at the moment of being the perfect couple and I think he is terrified that one day, I may decide to tell all and sundry just what a cock he is. Even though I don't live near them. I met a mutual acquaintance of theirs a few weeks ago and she gave me her phone number to keep in touch, I am wondering if my friend told him this and he is terrified that I may blurt out what he has done.

[SolidGhoulBrass]

Oh this is rotten for you. He is quite deliberately trying to push you away from your friend, you know, so that the next time he does it, there will be no one to comfort her and point out that it's his fault, so he will be able to tell her it's her fault.
The best thing to do is carry on smiling sweetly to him and completely ignoring his hostility. This not only means you keep your friend's friendship but it will drive him nuts.