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AIBU?

Is this a shit parent in your opinion?

33 replies

ElvesAnonymous · 27/10/2009 19:03

If I was to tell you that I have a 16 year old son who was born with a disibility, as well as very limited sight and deafness and I sent him out an adoptive family as a little baby but still saw him once a week, would you think I was an absolutely shit parent that didn't deserve a child?

OP posts:

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ZZZenAgain · 27/10/2009 19:04

has someone been saying that to you?

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daisyj · 27/10/2009 19:06

No, I would think you were someone who didn't feel that they could give their son what they needed because they didn't feel able to cope for whatever reason (emotional or otherwise). I would think you had made an arrangement that would hopefully ensure that he wouldn't think you abandoned him or didn't love him and that you had clearly found (or had found for you) a special family who could put his and your needs before their own.

Why do you ask?

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daisyj · 27/10/2009 19:08

I've just read back my post. Bit convoluted, but what I meant was you clearly wanted the best for him and did what you could to achieve that.

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myalias · 27/10/2009 19:08

No I wouldn't - the fact that you are still in contact with your son is a sign that you are a caring parent.

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RubysReturn · 27/10/2009 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElvesAnonymous · 27/10/2009 19:14

Thanks for your replies. I feel strongly about what Julia Hollander did to her child, Immy (on another thread) and that she is a very bad person, but she still sees her daughter so I am thinking I am a bad person like her and struggling to find any differences between the two of us.

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postal · 27/10/2009 19:21

the difference I expect is that you didn't whore your story out to as many media outlets as possible. Nor hawk your story round publishers all with an attempt to elicit primarily money and secondarily sympathy for a decision that is personal and not one that is taken lightly either.

personally I wouldn't consider someone who outsourced their child's care a parent at all - maybe an aunt or uncle

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Jux · 27/10/2009 19:21

I think that it's far more sensible to do that, than it would be to struggle with a child one couldn't cope with for whatever reason. I'd think, there but for the grace of god, go I.

Not everyone has the same strengths or weaknesses. I would imagine that you have many strengths I lack, and perhaps I have some that you lack.

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 27/10/2009 19:22

I don't think either of you are bad people. I can't begin to imagine what a hard decision that must have been.

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saintmaybe · 27/10/2009 19:25

Unless you've made a career hawking the story of your wonderful braveness in saving the perfect life you had, then I think there are some significant differences.

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ElvesAnonymous · 27/10/2009 19:27

Thank you all for your kind words, I feel much more positive.

Now I feel better about it, i'm going to put the kettle on and have a doughnut!

Cup of tea anyone?

OP posts:

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saintmaybe · 27/10/2009 19:38

How's he doing?

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fandango75 · 27/10/2009 19:42

i have nothing to add just really felt for you and as someone said its more about the media attention. You sound lovely

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anonandlikeit · 27/10/2009 19:57

I say never judge another until you have walked in their shoes, or however that saying goes.
NO i don't think you are a bad person, as a mother of a disabled child it is not something i can understand BUT as the others have said IMHO there is a difference between making that tough decision & making the decision & then publicising it for monitary gain.

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lilyjen · 27/10/2009 20:05

Awww..that's a sad post No you're not a shit parent because you have done that, from what you said there is no reason to think that at all Other things make people shit parents but we don't know what your reasons were but it would be a difficult decision you made i'm sure!

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GooberIsLockedInTheBootOfMyCar · 27/10/2009 20:10

No.
Not at all.

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prettyfly1 · 27/10/2009 20:11

No - and if this is coming from the thread at the weekend noone thinks that AT ALL. You couldnt cope and did the best thing for you both I am sure. There but for the grace of god go i.

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5inthetomb · 27/10/2009 20:13

Ditto what everyone else has said. Unless you've written a book and sold your story to all the trashy mags out there, you've done what you felt was best for your son.
How is he? Does he like your weekly visits?

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ninah · 27/10/2009 20:14

absolutely not, of course not, never

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ocdgirl · 27/10/2009 20:15

i don't think you are a shit parent, because of someone deciding they could not parent their child (for reasons i am not going into) i am able to be a mum to my son and i will never call his birth mother a shit mother !! without her i would never of had my beautiful little boy

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cakeywakey · 27/10/2009 20:15

No you are not a shit parent. Sometimes, doing the best thing for your children - and the family as a whole - means making some very hard decisions

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Ronaldinhio · 27/10/2009 20:16

in no way, of course I wouldn't Elves

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thesecondcocking · 27/10/2009 20:44

i think that the issues people had with the other woman were that she decided to make her living from and claims to speak for other parents of disabled children.
i am glad i have never been in the position you were with your son,if i was i would hope i made the best decision for that child based upon how we were coping/not coping and if that was the same decision you came to then i would be very upset if i were condemned for it by others.

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StrictlyBoogying · 27/10/2009 20:54

I'd think you were extremely brave

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wannaBe · 27/10/2009 21:13

I'll be honest..

I think that if Julia Hollander came on to mumsnet and told her story as opposed to people having read it in the press, the response would have been much different, and people would be saying that she sounded lovely and that she was very brave etc etc. I don't think many people would actually say to her some of the things they have said on threadd about her iyswim, because it's much easier to give an opinion of someone when you're talking about them rather than to them.

As for the op, sometimes people do find themselves unable or unwilling to cope with a disabled child, and sometimes those people choose to give them up. I don't understand it but it happens. But I think that when you decide to give up a disabled child (and we're talking about parents who give up a baby as opposed to parents who make the decision to allow their disabled children to go into residential care when they are older in order that they gain the best from their lives), you IMO cease to be a parent to that child and cannot be judged as that child's parent iyswim.

But if you then went on to have other children whom you raised as your own then yes, I would judge you for that.

IMO we do not and should not have the option of parenting those children we choose to parent and giving up on those we feel we cannot.

And I hate the suggestion that special people parent disabled children. Anyone could end up with a disabled child at any time. Any of our nt children could be hit by a car and become disabled tomorrow. And the parent of that child doesn't suddenly switch from being a normal parent to a special one because of it.

Parents of disabled children are normal parents. But normality is subjective.