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To want to find out the sex of our baby????

(40 Posts)
ray81 Sun 25-Oct-09 15:51:56

Ok me and DH are having a difference of opinion here.

I want to know and he doesn't. He seems to think he has the final say but why should he?
dont get me wrong we are not having major arguments but i can see it going that way.

The reasons i want to find out are:

1 we can plan for this baby, have the nursery ready with the right colour, clothes etc.
2 It takes my DH months to finish anything in the house, he started our bathroom 3 yrs ago and its still not finished, kitchen 2 yrs ago etc. I dont want the stress of having to push him to do the nursery when the baby is here.
3 when i have DD i was in labour for a VERY long time 32 hrs with 2 nights of no sleep and quite honestly was in shock when she was born so didnt realy enjoy the fact she was a girl. If that makes sense.

The reason he doesnt want to find out is:

1 He wants a surprise.

I have said he doesnt have to know but i still want to and i wont tell him which i wont, i know many couples who have done this. That i would decorate the nursery he just wouldnt be able to go in there for obvious reasons. I think this is a compromise but he will not agree. AIBU

bloodredcherrymonster Sun 25-Oct-09 15:54:03

YANBU. its you carrying this baby, and if you want to know the sex then ask, if he doesnt want to know, just dont tell him

ilovesprouts Sun 25-Oct-09 15:58:07

i only found out the sex of ds2 ,the other 2 they would not tell you ,but my dd1 and ds1 are both having babys and they are going to find out the sex ,i cant wait ,some want to know some dont YANBU

eastendmummy Sun 25-Oct-09 16:00:21

YANBU. We had a similar discussion when I was pregnant with first ds. My reason for wanting to find out was that I thought it would really help us to connect with the baby i.e. imagine it not as an 'it' but as our son or daughter. We compromised and found out but kept it to ourselves and he was really glad in the end that we did. We could imagine our little boy in the future, got to know him before he was born and it helped us to see past overwhelming concept of having a baby. It also helped to reduce the stress of deciding on his name!

I personally don't understand the surprise element - at the end of the day you are having a baby, and that is amazing in itself, without needing to have the surprise of is it a boy or girl at the end. Also surely that surprise lasts only for a few seconds so is it really worth keeping yourself in suspense for the whole pregnancy? I don't know if you can change his mind as he does seem very determined to have the surprise, but I hope you can.

When is your scan? Do you have long to work on him?

Anifrangapani Sun 25-Oct-09 16:02:58

I can't see the suprise value.... its not like there is a lot of variables is there? Fifty Fifty unless you are a South African Athlete.

ray81 Sun 25-Oct-09 16:10:07

I am 14 weeks so have 6 weeks to work on him i am going to keep pushing it, i feel the same re the surprise element ive told him it will be a surprise we dont know and when they tell us it will be a surprise!!

I also feel the same re its my body and i have to carry this baby so surely i should be able to make the choice, is that selfish?

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 25-Oct-09 17:26:54

As the old joke goes, the surprise would be if it turned out to be a puppy.

YANBU. I wanted to know - I didn't want to agonise over two sets of names when I could just agonise over the names for one gender. Luckily DH agreed.

rubyslippers Sun 25-Oct-09 17:40:55

i think i may be going slightly against the grain in that i do think it should be a joint decision to find out or not

do you really think you could keep it a secret?

i do think your reason 3 is the most important - far above painting the nursery the right colour IMHO

YANBU to want to find out but i do think your DH feels strongly as well ...

anyway, you may not be able to find out grin

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 25-Oct-09 17:42:41

DH only 'agreed' 5 minutes before the scan, up til then he had said I could find out but not tell him. He's very superstitious and thought it was bad luck hmm
Unluckily the scanner couldn't even see! You are carrying the baby, you get final say wink That isn't what people on here thought tho when I posted abut it...

ElenorRigby Sun 25-Oct-09 18:18:41

IMO knowing in advance is really useful.

Sorry, I think that "doesn't want to find out" wins over "wants to". It's not like you won't find out in the end after all.

A nursery doesn't have to be gender specific!! Neither do clothes for a newborn.

lovechoc Sun 25-Oct-09 18:33:58

I think that a lot of parents seem to be awfully concerned about the colour of the outfits and the colour scheme of the room. Even if you are told the gender at a scan, it may not turn out to be the right one when you give birth. It's not the first time it's happened...

I just wanted a healthy baby, regardless of the gender, so to me finding out the gender wasn't really necessary.

I totally agree with Anifrangipani on this.

scottishmummy Sun 25-Oct-09 18:34:40

depends whether they tell you.many hosps wont disclose gender

slightly think you are overstating your reasons unless a girl would've got a pink palace nursery theme

perhaps the only compromise is you know he doesn't.which seems weird as you are both the parents

think you should save the "my body" line for something that matters like mode of delivery,choice of analgesia.

not something you have absolutely no control over, like baby gender

Tambajam Sun 25-Oct-09 18:40:52

I think if he really doesn't want to know then he probably does get to call it - sorry.
I don't think it's healthy for you to know and him not to. It's creating a wedge between you every time you talk about the future and will mean you can't share your preparations. I can't imagine him having NOTHING to do with the nursery. That sounds unfair.
Can you ask him to reflect on it more? Ask a friend to act as an arbitrator or EVEN consider paying for a short series of counselling sessions to discuss it. The latter may sound extreme but if it really is going to hang over you as an issue...

princessx2 Sun 25-Oct-09 23:00:55

My DH was the same - we didn't find out with DD1 and he didn't want to know the second time. I did want to know, but had a feeling anyway that it was another girl and asked the consultant to scan me at an additional booked scan at 23 weeks where she confirmed by suspicions - I never told DH and still haven't to this day.

However, I was in the lucky position that DD1 was already calling baby she and she desparately wanted a little sister so I got away with it to some degree.

Maybe the decision will be made for you - baby may have legs crossed!

anonymous85 Mon 26-Oct-09 00:10:17

I want to and DH isn't that keen but is now just really to sway yay, so I think we will be finding out We're going keep it a secret, our own personal secret, I can't wait - I think it will be extra special between us I personally don't like it when you know someone is having a baby, what sex it is and their name already - I like hearing the suprise for other people

Geocentric Mon 26-Oct-09 00:14:46

I think that if you already have a DC, it might help the child bond with the unborn baby if they can imagine it as boy/girl. Especially if they have their heart set on one particular sex!!

CarmenSanDiego Mon 26-Oct-09 00:17:05

YANBU. There seems to be a smuggery around about not finding out and having a surprise. I don't get it. Fine if both partners agree, but...

If it helps you visualise and bond with the baby in your body, then you win.

I've really enjoyed knowing during my pregnancies.

Also, it helps you get used to the idea of a particular gender beforehand which is good if you have any misgivings or worries one way or the other.

You have enough shocks and surprises during labour and postnatally.

cheeseandeyeballsarnie Mon 26-Oct-09 00:18:47

agree with TrickOrTreatersDragOnYourNoose.

anonymous85 Mon 26-Oct-09 00:34:50

Geocentric I agree with that one, we already have a DD and are hoping for a DS, that's one of the reasons, I have heard people being deperessed after wanting one sex and it being another. I would be happy to have a girl but to be honest I want a boy more and this pregnancys been a lot different to DD's and I'm sure it's a boy. So want to know

JustAnotherManicMummy Mon 26-Oct-09 00:48:34

I never understand people who don't want to know. It's still a surprise - just an earlier one.

I had this conversation with DH today about whether we'd find out the sex if we had another. I couldn't imagine why we wouldn't. It hadn't even entered my head that we would not. But then I am too curious and need to know everything as early as possible.

It really helped to bond with our baby that we knew that he was a he not a she.

JustAnotherManicMummy Mon 26-Oct-09 00:50:45

<sorry accidentally posted before I'd finished>

But if DH felt as strongly that he didn't want to know (as I do that I do) then I think I'd let him have that one.

scottishmummy Mon 26-Oct-09 18:30:47

i don't understand urgency to know gender.cant alter it so why get do het up?

Lotster Mon 26-Oct-09 18:43:32

Personally I loved knowing what I was carrying and talking to them, but this is such a "marmite" subject! I only ever find people are completely for or against finding out!

On one hand, I can see the TrickOrTreatersDragOnYourNoose's point why "not finding out" wins over "finding out".

But then it is your body going through all the changes, and there should be some compensations for that.. Plus there will be PLENTY of surprises for him in store! Just find out and don't tell him?!

I've been trying to bribe my friend with a big bag of baby clothes for either gender if she tells me!! Good luck with it all anyway.

kreecherlivesupstairs Mon 26-Oct-09 19:49:08

I dont think you are BU. I desperately didn't want a boy, but feared that I had that gender inside me. At my anomoly scan (28 weeks hmm) I managed to work out that she was a girl. The scanographer wouldn't confirm it, but I knew. My dh wasn't able to be there for this so I phoned him at work. He was mightily pleased too.
Lucky for us that she was the 'right' sex, but we'd have welcomed Arthur almost as much as our Martha.

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