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to give my Mum and DP's Mum equal treatment re: Christmas arrangements?

(22 Posts)
LadyThompson Wed 21-Oct-09 15:26:57

It's an old, old story...Basically, I have one DD, almost a year old. DP and I both have a sister each with kids of their own. Both our Mums are with partners. We have agreed to see my Mum before Christmas for a couple of days, and DP's Mum after Christmas for a couple of days, in both cases going to stay. My Mum is happy with this. DP's Mum isn't and has got the hump, and thinks we should invite her and her yucky husband down for Christmas Day. I am not going to because

1. we are having my FIL from my first marriage over for Christmas lunch (I am widowed). He is completely on his own and lives locally, unlike my Mum or DP's.

2. I'd quite like to spend Christmas Eve and Day in my own house and not haring up and down the motorway.

3. It spreads things out a bit.

DP and his Ma think I am being selfish. My own Mum thinks I am being sensible. Who is right?

ninagleams Wed 21-Oct-09 15:31:40

You're right. Your house, you're cooking, there's no playing favourites. Ask your DP if it's really just that he wants to see his mum on Christmas Day.

mamasunshine Wed 21-Oct-09 15:35:13

Sounds very sensible smile

LadyThompson Wed 21-Oct-09 15:35:56

He doesn't grin He is just susceptible to guilt trips. His sister lives overseas and his Mum can't see her other grandkids so ours is the only UK based one. I think I would be darn unreasonable not to take DD up at all, but I happen to think going up on 27th Dec or whatever for a couple of days is fair enough. My Mum doesn't expect me to do it and is thrilled that we are going up before Christmas to see her. I should add that we don't really have the space at the moment to host everybody.

Stigaloid Wed 21-Oct-09 15:36:00

YANBU - your house, your rules, your christmas.

How lovely of you to have your previous FIL with you as well - am sure he will be very grateful and shows the true meaning of Christmas

ParisFrog Wed 21-Oct-09 15:39:45


LadyThompson Wed 21-Oct-09 15:40:39

Trouble is, Stigaloid, DP and I haven't got a united front re: his Mum. We told her a month ago of the Christmas arrangements and she has just told his sister that she is holding out for us to change our minds and I think DP is weakening. We have already had one row about it. He says that I only 'suffer' and 'tolerate' his mother. Er...which is true, but even if she was as fab as my Mum grin I would still suggest the saem arrangements as they are fair. If either of the Mums were without partners, it would be a different story of course.

diddl Wed 21-Oct-09 15:40:49

We have as many Christmas Days as "us 4" as we can.

When I was a child we saw grandparents Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.

DuelingFANGo Wed 21-Oct-09 15:40:50

Why does she think you should invite her rather than her own daughter?

DuelingFANGo Wed 21-Oct-09 15:41:38

oh sorry - posted without having seen that she lives abroad.

LadyThompson Wed 21-Oct-09 15:43:56

Her own daughter has invited her! But it's a heck of a way so I understand why she is not chomping at the bit. But I think DP's sister thinks we should have her as well. It just seems to be a case of sod my own Mum and it is making me annoyed. I just find it all really childish. Furthermore DD will be 1 and hasn't got a clue (not that it would matter if she was older).

juneybean Wed 21-Oct-09 15:44:06

Definitely agree you should do what you want to.

We alternate in our family so I see my nana every other year at christmas and the every other year at new years.

diddl Wed 21-Oct-09 15:44:37

If she was on her own I would see it differently.

Why can´t she get to her daughter?

Too far/too expensive/not invited?

tearinghairout Wed 21-Oct-09 15:44:53

YANBU. We decided years ago to do what you're doing, and have Christmas as a family in our own house, visiting relations before & after. On the odd years that we've gone somewhere else for the day it just hasn't been as nice.

I totally agree with the 'not haring' bit - we had such a horrible traffic-jam laden journey last time that this Christmas DH has refused to do any travelling and we aren't going to go & see any of them!!

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller Wed 21-Oct-09 15:46:27

If your DP is weakening tell him if he goes he goes alone as you will be staying with your child and FIL and having a merry christmas

notamumyetbutoneday Wed 21-Oct-09 15:47:01

Yours is the most compeltely fair arrangement for Christmas re: seeing relatives that I've seen on Mumsnet.

notamumyetbutoneday Wed 21-Oct-09 15:47:47

Interms of balancing DH relatives versus own family, I mean.

LadyThompson Wed 21-Oct-09 15:53:11

Thanks, notamumyet. I do want to be fair to everyone. I am just hugely grateful to my own Mum for never ever making it an issue.

DP's argument is that my own Mum would rather stay in her own house on Christmas Day too, whereas his Mum is desperate to come here or for us to go there hmm

This one will run and run - by next Christmas we will be in a much bigger place and I can see DP insisting that we host his mother as well.

LittleOneMum Wed 21-Oct-09 16:09:04

All the more reason why you need to stick to your guns now. I am in a similar situation to you (which I won't bore you with now) and I've just put my foot down. We are having Xmas at mine and that's it. This is the first time DH and I (who have been together for over 10 years) have ever spent Xmas in our own house (despite the fact that we have a DS and I am expecting DC2)...

5Foot5 Wed 21-Oct-09 20:59:02

What if you said they could come to stay but in the interests of fairness you would be inviting your Mum and partner too so given that space will be tight they will have to slepp on the settee or the floor. They won't mind that if they are so desparate to be there surely

mumeeee Thu 22-Oct-09 11:49:15

You are right.

throckenholt Thu 22-Oct-09 11:58:37

make a rule now and stick to it - you have Christmas at home and don't have people staying over. Time enough to visit over the rest of the holiday.

It always puzzles me why people make such a big thing of the day itself - why is that particular day so important ?

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