to think that my dad is an absolute arsewipe?!!!

[Jodyray]

Ok long story but i will try and cut it short. My dad is a control freak, as kids we got hidings for virtually nothing, as did mum. Anyway she stayed with him and over the last 15 years (am 31 now) my relationship with him is strained (when it suits him) i suppose cos he knows i remember things he did. That said i have always done everything to help him to the point that currently he owes me over 3.5k and has done for over 18months. He cant pay me back at the min so i dont hassle him, all i have ever asked of him is that he or mum does the evening school run for me for my daughter. Neither of them work and the school is 100 yards away, so this is agreed, however every chance he gets he throws it back at me that he LETS mum do this. He also begrudges me going out with friends or having any sort of social life and brands me a bad mum if i have a drink once a month,(as a single mum of 2 struggling to make ends meet most months after paying all the bills and mortgage on my own, working full time and doing a degree i think once in a while i am entitled to a night off). However today i was meeting with my new employers at work as we are going through a transfer. DD aged 6 was poorly so couldnt go school, so as i have done in the past and as agreed with mum, i went round to drop her there after i had taken DS to nursery, so i could go work, only for arsewipe to 'put his foot down' and refuse to look after her saying that his relaxation time is more important than my job, he told mum to 'shut it' and grabbed my arm and frogmarched me out. DD was crying and then she ended up throwing up in the car as she was in a state. So now he is sat on his arse doing nothing, has taken mums mobile off her so she cannot ring or text me and i am in shit with work and probably getting frowned upon by new employers. I know he has done this on purpose just cos he knows its an important day, thats just the kind of person he is. When i recently passed my first year of a degree course that i have been studying at home mum congratulated me, he said 'oh its only a bit of reading she will drop out yet, she should be concentrating on her kids'. I have never done anything to this man apart from try to help him out even if i have to go without. My brothers do nothing for him yet they are perfect. Am i being unreasonable to think he is being a complete tosser with me????

[MichKit]

Demand your money back... you'll be needing it now won't you?

YANBU, what a tosser!!

[Chickenshavenolips]

YANBU. Arse wipe seems quite polite, tbh.

[Seabright]

He is a complete tosser, and doesn't deserve your help.

He needs to repay you, so you can use the money to pay for proper help for you and your children.

Explain to your employers what happened (if an employee of mine explained the situation you've just outlined I wouldn't think badly of them, I'd try to help).

Cut him out and demand your money back. It sounds doubtful he'll ever change, so you might want to consider the Small Claims Court, if the money's not forthcoming.

[ginnny]

YANBU - although arsewipe is being too kind imo.
Are you really happy for this man to be in your dc's life every day?
You should ask for your money back and have as little to do with him as possible.
He sounds like a vile bully.

[Jodyray]

I have needed it all along, initially it was so that i could put it toward a conservatory so that i had more space at home but now that things are tighter than ever its harder and harder. If i have asked for part of it in the past he has then said he wont help me out on the school run meaning i would have to reduce to PT hours, blackmail really. I have had her on the after school list for months but its still oversubscribed

[VinegARGHHHTits]

yanbu what an total arsehole, my guess is he sees women as objects for men to be able to control, hence the reason he treats your brothers differently, i would be tempted to disown him, your poor mother

[TheArmadillo]

I would try to cut as many ties with them as you can including not relying on them at all for childcare.

I appreciate that being a single parent childcare is expensive but do you get tax credits cos they can help with the cost. Or if you have friends you can rope in to help with school run or start babysitting circle.

At the moment he knows he can control you and potentially fuck up your job. I have a parent who is a control freak (but not this bad). they get their power from being able to exhert (sp?) control over you life. Don't let them. If he can fuck things up for you he will - so don't give him the oppotunity too.

Also look at getting the 'toxic parents' book recommended on here.

[WurzelBoot]

Jodyray, what an absolute tosser your Dad seems to be.

And your poor Mum.

[Jodyray]

well my mum is the only reason i still go round and take DCs round as she begs me not to 'fall out with him' as she then gets it in the neck. She says she cant cope with losing another child or granchild.....not in death but my youngest brother walked away from the family 6 years ago, he has only recently though me started texting mum. Thats cos he couldnt stand there and watch mum getting the shit, he offered her a way out and she said no so he left and cut ties. He has told me to do the same but I am softer than he is, he agreed that dad us a bully with women.The thing is when my DD is there he spoils her rotten, possibly making up for what he lacked with me and if i take her away she will be devastated. I feel like i cant win no matter what i do.

[Jodyray]

TheArmadillo i get TCs for my DS in nursery yes, i didnt know whether you can get them for after school clubs or holiday clubs, i am assuming not but i will check what i can get. I know he would love me to 'fail' in my job and he hates the fact that i started there as a temp and have had promotions along the way. I remember being branded a failure when I changed my A levels, when i got pregnant both times, that i am unmarried and single at 31 etc etc. I will look up that book, i have not heard of it thanks,

[TheArmadillo]

children get over losing contact with a grandparent much easier than you would think. Plus although he's lovely to her now what's he going to be like when she gets older and much more independant/wanting her own way?

As for your mum, that is difficult. But as hard as it is she chose to keep raising you in a household with that man. She chose not to stand up for her children. And yes it would have been terribly hard for her and so difficult but it doesn't excuse it.

However you do love her and obviously want to keep contact with her. But in many situations like this it is quite usual for the child/parent roles to get reversed adn for the child to feel responsible for the parent and to not feel able to walk away.

I would look out for Atilla on here and look at toxic parents plus maybe look for counselling in RL.

But you don't have to decide to do anything immediately.

[OrmIrian]

YANBU at all!

How horrible! Hope DD is OK now.

And your poor mum

[VinegARGHHHTits]

I have no advice really, will he listen to reason? possibly write him a leter explaining how his behaviour makes you feel and that he could loose you and his GC if it carries on? or will this just anger him more?

he thinks it is acceptable to behave like this towards you and your mum, he needs someone to make him see that it is not

[fernie3]

your not being unreasonable, I would stay far away and keep you children far away too. If he has been violent to your and your mum in the past and obviously still treats you like this chances are he will also treat you children like this.Its not a question of falling out it is about kepping yourself and your kids safe

[TheDevilEatsBabies]

definitely get your money back.
if he doesn't pay it threaten legal action (you can legal aid if you're that badly off)
and then cut all ties.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Yo can get Tax Credits for ALL registered childcare, including after school and holiday clubs.

Good luck.

[ineedalifelaundry]

No suggestions to offer but I feel so and for you and you mum / siblings.

My friend has a father just like yours. Her mum started divorce proceedings and stopped cooking and cleaning for him. It did make him change his ways to persuade her to stay and now he is a bit nicer with them all. But it took a LOT of guts for her to make those steps and it doesn't sound like your mum is going to stand up to your dad anytime soon. Although she really should. It isn't too late for her to do something.

[TheArmadillo]

sorry x-posted.

Have you looked at childminders in the area as well? Tax credits could definately help with that. I think as long as an organisation is registered with ofsted (as after school clubs and holiday clubs would have to be) then you can get childcare costs towards them. But not afterschool activities such as music groups and stuff.

[TheArmadillo]

Also your employers may also offer childcare vouchers which I think you don't pay the tax on so save you some money.

[ineedalifelaundry]

Btw, just wanted to add that my friend's mum made her stand against her bullying husband after 30 years married. That's why I said it's never too late.

[crankytwaaaaaahhhhnky]

Good lord, what a cunt!

Sorry for the language, but jesus.

Sorry I don't knowwhat to say to help, other than YAsooooooooNBU!!

[JazzieJeff]

YANBU, he sounds like a loser. As for your mum, I can't imagine how hard it must be to be in such a relationship but my MIL broke free from vile FIL after 28 years so it can be done. Having you around probably shelters your mum from some of his abuse, as hard as that sounds. I wouldn't let your dd anywhere near him either. From what you say his definition of childcare is wide of the mark to say the least!! I hope your dd is ok, by the way

[Jodyray]

Ok thanks, i will ring my DS nursery and see if they can give her an after school place and see if my employer will let me do a late lunch to transfer DD between the two places at 330. I know that you are all right in that i should cut ties, its just the courage to do it. If i can get tax credits then its just a weight off my mind. Thanks a lot everyone i feel a lot better getting it all off my chest!

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Why are you so involved in his life/him in yours? Why does he have the ammunition to make digs about your social life?
Ask him for a repayment plan for the money, organise alternative childcare (after school club?) for DD and tell your mum that you will always be there for her, give her the tel for womens' aid, but don't go round there. He's a toxic abusive bastard and is being shit to you and your mum, and will probably be shit to your DD in the future as she gets older and more independent.

[sweetkitty]

You poor thing, he is such a loser he obviously thinks women are here to look after men and shouldn't be allowed our own job/opinions.

I would take the control back in that I mean do not ask him for anything, I know it's ahrd especially as a single parent but while he has this control over you nothing is going to change. He sounds really jealous of what you have achieved on your own.

Good idea about the tax credits, do not rely on him for anything.

A more difficult situation with your mother I don't think she should be heaping guilt on you to be "nice" to your father but I haven't been in an abusive relationship so cannot really comment.

Do not give him another penny ever!