Am I lucky?

[thatsnotmybelly]

On three separate occasions recently I have been told I'm lucky.

1. I was out for a night out with some mum friends and I looked at my phone to see the time. Much teasing and laughter that I was "checking to see if dh needed me to go home". I laughed too, and said that short of the house burning down or a trip to A&E, there was no way dh would ask me to come home from my night out. Now, everyone knows that my children are terrible sleepers, and my 16 month old generally needs to feed to sleep if he wakes, so apparently I am 'lucky' that my dh is prepared to 'babysit' without ever calling me to come home. Would people tell dh he was lucky because he definitely wouldn't get a phonecall on the golf course asking him to come home and help with the children? I don't think so. Is it really so outside the norm for a man to be capable of looking after his children that I am lucky? That would be sad if it were true.

1. I get to go to the beautician once in a while. Apparently going for the odd pedecure while dh has the children is the ultimate luxury and I am 'lucky' that dh agrees to this .

1. Dh often gets up with the children in the morning. He works and I am a sahm, therefore apparently it is my duty to always be the first up in the morning, and I am 'lucky' that my dh is prepared to get up.

Just to make myself clear, I do feel lucky that I have a nice dh and a nice family and a nice life. But I object to being told I am 'lucky' every time my husband does anything. Of course he does loads of things around the house and with the children. We have two pre-school children ffs! There is a lot to do. I feel sad that the prevailing view seems to be that because he earns the money, everything else should fall to me.

That leaves no room for dh actually enjoying being hands on with his children.

That leaves no room for me to ever have any time to myself.

That leaves no recognition that what I do is hard work too.

AIBU? Am I lucky?

[LetThemEatCake]

you are not BU. I get the same sorts of comments. Think there must be a lot of wankiferous husbands who f-all out there. We tend to think - we bloody made the babies together, we'll look after them together.

And any dh who is not a lying sack of shit will admit that going to work and earning money is easier than being at home with kids all day. You can pee in private. You have moments of silence. Adults understand if you have a headache/ hangover/ are in a bad mood and will give you a bit of space. Maybe even make you a coffee. Kids are relentless.

And a work day is about 8-10 hours. Kids is around 12.

[TheDMHatesMe]

YANBU.

The sad truth is that you probably are lucky. Most of the dads I know are a bit grudging about lie-ins, reluctant about nights out, etc. Obviously this is a load of shite, but it is very common. But OF COURSE it should be the norm that you get a bit of a break when your DH is at home and OF COURSE what you do is hard work too.

Your DH sounds great - good for you!

[ChasingSquirrels]

"Just to make myself clear, I do feel lucky that I have a nice dh and a nice family and a nice life. But I object to being told I am 'lucky' every time my husband does anything."

That line says it all.

No YANBU

[thatsnotmybelly]

I suppose it irks because no one would tell a man he was lucky that his wife did housework or looked after the children. Can you imagine?

[TheDMHatesMe]

Yes, thatsnotmybelly, in the same way that nobody would tell a woman she was wonderful for changing a nappy.

XP's mother used to tell me how lucky I was when DD was born and he was doing feck all. To his credit, even he turned around on one occasion and said "well, actually, she's pretty much coping on her own'.

[LetThemEatCake]

have just realised that my post was unnecessarily swear-y and vehement. Sorry, am just in a bad mood today (see my other AIBU thread) and looking for outlets to vent.

to recap - YANBU and all the more so as you do not take these things for granted and appreciate your dh & family.

[debs40]

I get this from my sister. 'You're so lucky that DH will wash the dishes, play with the kids etc etc'

She will even say 'aaah look at him' as he goes off to make them tea.

However, I run a book group. Most of the women are thinking, intelligent people, yet the amount of times I hear 'best get back as dh won't do the last feed' or 'I'll be late because dh says he has to go for a run when he gets in from work' or 'we have to buy a house in x because dh says'.

So perhaps there are lots of tossy men out there who make this seem so unusual.

[sailorsgal]

YANBU, I often get the same comments. It also drives me nuts when people tell me how wonderful my dh is when he takes him ds to swimming/gym/toddler group. I always say well he is his father.

Shall I give him a medal.

[Eddas]

it drives me crazy too, why should the dad not do the same things as the mum

I also hate it when people ask if dh is babysitting HE CANNOT BABYSIT HIS OWN CHILDREN do people ask him if i'm babysitting when he's out? I very much doubt it

ahhhh that feels better

[mama2b3]

i think you are very lucky!! in reality not all men are as willing to be as hands on and helpful with their dcs. my partner is a great dad brilliant with the children, but when it comes to looking after them and getting up with them i am on my own and i am not going to lie it is HARD every morning getting up at 5am with my baby having been up through the night with my toddler toilet training. yes he does work and yes he does adore and play with the dcs but just will not help when it comes to the night feeds or mornings. he has not got up with my dcs once since my dd1 was born and she is 3!! he will on occasion look after them if i go out but only if they r in bed sleeping and i would not be suprised if he was to ring me if they woke! so yes i would say you are LUCKY to have your partner be as hands on as you are and if i were you i would truly appreciate his help and be thankful. it is so hard when they dont help

[KIMItheThreadSlayer]

You are lucky to have a lovely DH,and family but I do not think it is "lucky" that he does the things a dad is meant to do, the people who think you are "lucky" must have really horrid DHs who never do anything.

[Grandhighpoohba]

Im with Eddas. You cannot babysit your own chidren!

My DH is very hands on. And no, its not luck. I wouldn't have had kids with someone who I thought would abandon me to all the work, and who didn't care enough about my wellbeing to make sure I got some time to myself. And if he had done so after they were born, I wouldn't have put up with.

IMO, rushing off home because a DH can't cope is allowing him to behave like that. I didn't know what to do with a baby when I had DS, but I had to learn, fast. I also had to learn that things that I used to do BC took second place to childcare. Fathers should learn that too. And they never will if they are molycoddled. Needs to go home because DH "needs" to go for a run! How about her need to socialise and have time away from kids?

Rant Over!

[gingernutlover]

i think ypou are lucky that you have a happy home life,and a family that seems to work well for everyone.

Not all women (or men) have that.

However, YANBU to be pissed off with these comments I get annoyed when people say things like this becasue it suggests that I am somehow getting out of doing things I should be doing because I am the woman, and that DH is being henpecked into doing them.

[TheDMHatesMe]

Some great rants on this thread - I agree with every word!

[Woooozle100]

yanbu

aye - lucky for man to look after his own children. Tis all askew innit?

annoys when people say it to me

[junglist1]

It's not lucky it's the way it should be. The fact a lot of women have slack idiots for their P doesn't make you lucky, it makes them unlucky

[izzybiz]

Your DH sounds just like mine. I get a lie in on a saturday morning, I go out with my friends a couple of times a month.
I am a SAHM too, he works very hard to give us a nice life and nice things.

I have haircuts and manicures, buy a few too many clothes for the children!!

But, he also gets to pretty much do as he pleases too, he plays darts every week, he plays golf too, he goes away for weekends, and never gets a headache for doing so like alot of his friends do!

We work perfectly together, as I assume you and your DH do too, ignore these comments, they are only jelous of what a fantastic man you have!

[bradsmissus]

YANBU. My friend and I were in the pub recently and all she did was check up on her DH and DCs. I kid you not, she was in touch with him by call or text every half an hour. At one point he text and it said "They are both asleep now so you can relax and enjoy yourself" !!!!!!!! I would have been annoyed but i felt a bit sorry for her as coming out for an evening was obviously a stressful expereience for her!

[pooexplosionsforbreakfast]

Thats just what I was thinking junglist. A father who does share the load should be the norm, not the exception...though I don't know if that is the case.

The babysitting one always gets me too! DH is babysitting while I go out....NO, he's just not leaving the house while you do, he's staying in with his own children! Grr

Any man who can't change his own kids nappies, or feed them, or get them to sleep on his own is a bloody useless excuse of a man, IMO. You made the children, you look after them, male or female makes no difference. I'm not a better parent because I'm their mother, and he doesn't have a get out of jail free card cos he has a penis!

[toddlerama]

YANBU and it is this attitude that allows men to walk away from their children as though they were doing everyone a big favour by looking after them. DH said he was going home to 'babysit' recently and his friend (bloke with no kids) corrected him and said you can't babysit your own children. You just look after them because they're yours! Ha HA!

[chegirl]

Yeah that 'asking DH to babysit' always makes me . How can you ask someone to babysit their own kids?!

Anyway we are all lucky in lots of ways but its like telling someone 'oh you are lucky' because they have a good job and work hard. YES there is always luck involved but that doesnt mean nothing else comes into it.

I am sure my lovely DH would be the sort of bloke who didnt get up for the kids, feed them, do any cleaning if I had let things go as they were when we first met. Most human beings will take the path of least resistance after all. But I wasnt bought up to believe that having a penis makes you somehow unable to wash a pan or change a nappy!

[MrsToffeeCrisp]

YANBU - I feel exactly the same.

Am very lucky too and grateful for lovely DH but they are HIS children too and think HE is very lucky to have their love and adoration without all the effort of looking after them all day!

(Though actually I prob wouldn't have it any other way )

[questioneverything]

It might help to know where the word 'lucky' comes from.

It comes from the name of the Norse god 'locki'.

This supposed god would go around striking people with good or evil and therefore you used to do things to appease 'locki' and get some 'good locki' or you would do things to protect yourself from 'bad locki'.

Some people would say you are lucky to have a good marraige. But in reality those people may have not worked as hard at their marraige.

[screamingabdab]

I think it says more about your friends and their relationships than it does about you.

Everyone should expect to be treated with respect and in a partnership in the way that you are.

[thatsnotmybelly]

That's interesting QE. I had never heard that.