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to not want to drop DD1 off??

(31 Posts)
macdoodle Wed 05-Aug-09 20:14:05

XH and I are in the midst of a nasty divorce, he is/was a verbally/emotionally abusive aggresive useless husband and father!

He uses the access arrangements to hurt and control me, and does pretty much as he wants without contributing financially or practically!

we have 2 DD's aged 8 and 19 months, DD1 absolutely worships him!
She doesnt get a lot of time alone with him, usually her, DD2, OW/new GF and their baby (who is 5 months older than my DD2 who he had with her while still with me)!

He sees them 3 weekday mornings (takes DD1 to school and DD2 to CM), alternate sundays 9-4, and has DD1 ONE overnight a month (all he can manage he says for her)

He hasnt contributed at all to school holiday childcare, other than to cause problems, DD1 has been really upset so I suggested to him that maybe he could have her a few nights this month as she isnt in school!
His reaction was to say he will have her thur and sat night (now I know this is just his convenience as she swims thur night till 6:30 and he works sat till 6) !

I do all the activities/running about with poor DD2 in tow - he doesnt help at all!
SO he INFORMS me that I can drop DD1 off at his after swimming on Thur ...
So ok its not far but from swimming to my house is about 2mins drive, to his there and back to mine will be at least 15 mins prob more like 20 or more depending traffic (its not far but in the opposite direction through town)
I will have DD2 with me, by 6:30 after an hour in the hot pool watching DD1/trying to entertain her/stop her falling down stairs/jump into pool etc etc, me and her will be beyond frazzled....if I drop DD1 off we prob wont be home till 7:30-8 rather than 7 if I dont!

He has given me a earful of abuse saying I am a fat, lazy cow, I never go out my way, he does all the running about hmm, and as always I am doubting myself and wondering whether its me But he just doesnt care about DD2, he will have been at the pub which is why he wont want to drive, OW/GF wont want to drive him (as usual) because its later and am guessing she will want to sort her DD out, so it will be muggins here who does it because I dont want DD1 to be disappointed yet again
I have spent years of my life running around at this arseholes whim, and am still doing it - AIBU????

CarGirl Wed 05-Aug-09 20:21:06

I think you have to take the flak from your DD1 and put your foot down. I think until you stand up to him then he will carry on treating you like this.

Do you have contact arrangements formally in place? If not can you get legal Aid to do so.

He is being completely unreasonable and he knows it.

macdoodle Wed 05-Aug-09 20:26:00

its so shite - I do try and stand up to him, but every time I do he is so bloody awful, things get so much worse and DD1 gets so distraught
I cant get legal aid, I earn too much even though I am in debt up to my eyeballs (his debt from his failed business but in joint name and secured on my house), I have a excellent solicitor and we have a formal access arrangement but there is no real way to enforce it legally

Am so fed up of it all, in my head I know its not me, I know how unreasonable he is, and how utterly reasonable I have been, but he really doesnt get it or even want to

Feel totally helpless, and am desperately trying to minimise the damage to DD1

katiestar Wed 05-Aug-09 20:30:13

Why isn't he having DD2 as well ?

CarGirl Wed 05-Aug-09 20:31:36

I don't think you can, I would back of 100000000000% and he will probably realise in the end that he is the one missing out.

Very hard I know but in the longer term it could be less damaging to your dd1? Can you some sort of counsellor for your dd to talk to?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 05-Aug-09 20:34:12

That sounds really hard sad

I would say no to everything that is for his benefit even if it means DD1 not seeing her father as he isn't being one if he never puts himself out for her.

JustKeepSwimming Wed 05-Aug-09 20:38:13

Macdoodle for you and your DDs.

Not really sure what to advise but wanted to offer support. You are doing a fab job and your DDs will see that when they are older. They will see the truth about their Dad too

Not much help I know. sorry!

MummyDragon Wed 05-Aug-09 20:44:26

No no no no no YANBU. Stop doubting yourself. It is NOT you!!!! Do you hear me, woman? wink smile

You're going through a horribly traumatic break-up and you sound like an incredibly reasonable, caring, intelligent, capable mother. Your ExH, on the other hand, sounds like a controlling, selfish twunt (thanks MN for teaching me that word) who is not prepared to put his DDs' needs before his own, ever.

Stay strong. If he wants to see DD after swimming, he can flippin' well pick her up from the pool. If he can't be arsed to get out of the pub to pick up his own daughter, he doesn't deserve to be seeing her, and if he's been in the pub (presumably boozing, as your OP suggests that he won't be in a fit state to drive himself) then he shouldn't be looking after your DD anyway.

Allow him to see your DDs if and when he can prove that he takes the responsibility seriously. Keep offering him the opportunity to prove that he can be responsible and reasonable (you need to keep the upper hand here) and stay strong re. DD1 in the meantime if it means she gets upset about not seeing her dad so often. You have her best interests at heart; he clearly doesn't.

Do you have someone in RL to provide emotional support for you? This must be so hard for you. Hugs x

mrsruffallo Wed 05-Aug-09 21:00:38

YANBU.
It sounds to me like you are doing more than your fair share. He has a lot to make up for and should be doing all he can to accomodate you all.
Only agree to do what's easiest for you.
Good luck macdoodle

jemart Wed 05-Aug-09 21:57:06

Very difficult call - I'm inclined to agree with others who advocate telling ExH to get stuffed, however there is also your dd's feelings to take into account. You say she worships her Dad? therefore you may well have the moral high ground here but your dd will not thank you for stopping her seeing him.

macdoodle Wed 05-Aug-09 22:04:00

Thank you all, so IANBU then
It is so very very hard, I basically spent 7 years with him trying to make him happy being told it was all me, including the affair and her baby hmm
If anything it has got worse since we split 3 years ago, and took me a long time to have the strength to stand up to him and finally file for divorce!
I find it very very hard to resist him and sometimes taking the path of least resistance is easiest, he can be so very nasty and my poor DD1 keeps getting stuck in the middle
I feel like it will never end and I know she does to, I have stopped trying to protect her or make excuses for him, but it breaks my heart!
I have spoken to womens aid and the NSPCC about her and him (I am pretty sure he is doing to her what he did to me)...we are going to do their mothers and childrens counselling course in sept so am hoping that will help both of us deal with him
I am so very determined that this cycle ends with me and she will make better choices !
He doesnt have DD2 overnight, hasnt asked and I dont offer, he drinks and smokes when he has DD1 and I dont trust him with the baby overnight I hate sending DD1 to him overnight which is why I very very rarely push him for more but in this case thought it might benefit her - am kicking myself now !
Thank you all for support, was fully prepared to be told IABU and to just get on with it and drop her off

hayes Wed 05-Aug-09 22:07:03

I can see your point totally, in similar circumstances myself for past 10 years, it does get easier. I have NEVER argued with my ex or caused any problems over contact, my dh and I get enough of that from his ex. Yes sometimes I did do a lot of running about but I did it for my boys, not for my ex benefit.

someone has said before about "allowing" him to see your dd, I think thats a horrible way to put it. There are 2 types of ex wifes imho 1. puts children first and they continue good relationships with daddy and 2. bitter woman who dont allow access and use their kids as weapons. It should all settle down eventually.....good luck with it all x

mrsruffallo Wed 05-Aug-09 22:10:01

Gosh macdoodle, this has been so hard for you. It is very difficult for little girls to realise that daddy is a creep but it will happen one day, believe me.
I hope the counselling helps you both in regards to this man.
As I said before, good luck. I am sure she will be just fine with a lovely mum like you.

hayes Wed 05-Aug-09 22:10:22

meant to say too he does sound like an arse, but you just keep being the best mummy you can be and your children will thank you and remember that when they are older

Silver1 Thu 06-Aug-09 00:10:32

YANBU You need to your daughter to see mothers are valuable people to be respected by everyone. If you let your ex run rough shod over you then your daughter may well grow up to expect the same. That would be very sad.
Follow your instincts on this one, she will see him for who he is, and until then you need to protect her and you.

MummyDragon Thu 06-Aug-09 09:04:21

hayes I think it was me who used the word "allow" ... I see what you mean, and I agree with you - I don't mean to suggest that it should always be up to the mother to decide who has contact with the kids and when ...

However, in this case, and going purely on what the OP has said in her posts about her ExH, I think she has a good reason not to allow contact if she feels that he is not capable of caring for their DD properly. That's what I meant - the DD in question is only 8 years old and someone has to put he needs first here - and the smoking, drinking, mentally abusive ExH clearly isn't.

I did make it clear that I think the Op should keep offering the ExH chances to see the DD, and keep offering him the opportunity to be reasonable and responsible. From what she's said, he has been unable to do this up to this point.

OP, stay strong. There's some really good advice on here from all the posters. I hope you can break the cycle that you've talked about. Good luck x

MummyDragon Thu 06-Aug-09 09:13:14

hayes Just read your post again. I do not think the OP is, in your words, a "bitter woman who dont allow access and use their kids as weapons." She has been mentally/emotionally abused by a violent, aggressive man for the past 10 years, for heaven's sake! Of course she should be cautious about her daughter having access to someone with his history. She doesn't want to put her daughter at risk and that is commendable.

I don't know anything about your (hayes') circumstances but I assume that you didn't run around enabling your kids (as per your post) to see a violent, aggressive man "for their own good" did you? Apologies if I've misunderstood what you're saying here, but I really do think you need to look at the individual circumstances of the OP's post. Sorry to be blunt - I do not mean to offend you, but I think the OP's situation is pretty frightening and, in some circumstances such as this one, it is not necessarily in the child's best interest to have contact with their father.

amisuchabadmummy Thu 06-Aug-09 09:23:16

Unless you put your foot down, establish firm boundaries he will just take the p*ss more and more.

What good is he actually doing your DC's? He wont commit to anything, he wont agree to anything regular and stable (which is what children need) and he happily goes to the pub on the rare occasions he is going to see them later on.

I had this with my ex (not as bad as it sounds for you though). Finally I put my foot down and told him he needed to see my DS at set periods and that I would not discuss anything with him other than DS. Also, if he became abusive (verbally) I would walk away and we could resume the conversation when he could be civil.

I also ensured that visits were in the mornings, or at least from the morning onwards so that he wouldnt be drinking.

You really need to be firm, your DCs are still quite little, just imagine how they will feel when they are older and able to understand what is going on and your ex is still behaving like this. It will be devastating for them.

Please try and sort it out now.

amisuchabadmummy Thu 06-Aug-09 09:25:13

sorry just re-read, when you said 8 and 19 months, I assumed you meant 8 months. If DD1 is 8 years, even more reason to get this sorted quickly.

macdoodle Thu 06-Aug-09 09:49:31

thanks all - XH is very manipulative and controlling - it took a long time and a very astute policeman for me to finally realise
He can be very verbally aggressive to me (and DP), and the odd occasion of pushing, shoving, grabbing and one real attack (which he would deny) which led to the police above

He is not however verbally or physically aggresive towards the DC, that is not my worry, it is the very prevasive subtle emotional manipulation that worries me !
The drinking smoking pub issues have been an issue throughout our marriage! And why he doesnt have DD2 overnight!
Almost all contact is morning or after school, except for the one overnight a month which I do hate DD1 did have a mobile for this very reason so she could call me if she was worried, but I have had to take it off her as he was texting and calling her to excess and IMO was very inappropriate!

Anyway am finding myself wavering (yet again) for an easy life
I cannot stop contact legally or morally, try an explain emotional abuse to someone who doesnt know or understand , I have no GOOD reason to stop contact (because he is never aggressive to the children). Apart from that I very much suspect if I did my relationship with DD1 would be damaged forever I prefer to try and retain some control over it

Sorry am rambling terribly, not sure yet what I will do tonight........

CarGirl Thu 06-Aug-09 10:51:00

Perhaps you could say to him "sorry I can't do that because I have made other arrangements. Let me know if you're not prepared to pick dd up after swimming and I will tell her"

I would just be unavailable to do it and put the onus back on him that he is letting his dd down, not you. Just remember that the onus on you is to enusure that you make extra contact possible not to actually drop & collect her.

macdoodle Thu 06-Aug-09 15:23:28

thank you all you did give me the strength to be strong - I figured if not a single person on AIBU actually thought IWBU then I robably wasnt ...
So I sent a text saying I was unable to drop her off as it was DD2's bedtime and I needed to get her home for bath and bed, and we would be home by 7 if he wanted to collect DD1 then....
Unfortunately I couldnt resist then sending another one saying that he could if he wanted take her or pick u from swimming especially as she has done so well and is the youngest swimmer starting Stage 7 this week and he has NEVER watched a swimming lesson

I probably shouldnt have sent the 2nd one

Anyway the fall out didnt take long, had an almost immediate hone call saying "WTF was my fucking problem" etc etc, remained calm and just repeated I needed to get DD2 home, his response was fine I'll pick her up from the house at 7 (no mention of watching her swim), his parting words "you fucking fat lazy bitch"
God I really hate having to send DD1 off to him with a smile plastered to my face !

lemonstartree Thu 06-Aug-09 16:04:49

(((((((macdoodle)))))))

god he is a knob. You poor woman having to deal with him,

works cant express my contempt for him....

try and stay calm,. It must be so hard.. x

CarGirl Thu 06-Aug-09 19:08:40

if that's the way he speaks to you i'd change my home number and deal with him via text and email only.

macdoodle Thu 06-Aug-09 20:03:14

Am very proud of myself tonight - I stood my ground despite the abuse!
And guess what he got the GF/OW to bring him with their poor baby in tow - but he came DD1 is so happy, I was good as well, smile plastered to face, civil to him, ignored her, not a lot he could do, feel like I won a prize

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