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To be able to post a thread looking for support and not be accused of being a bad mother and generally a lazy and bad person.

(72 Posts)
lucyellensmum1 Fri 03-Oct-08 10:36:25

I know it is bad form to start a thread about a thread, but i am really angry and hurt.

I posted because i am worried about my DP. We have financial problems and it is taking its toll. I don't work but am now looking for a job. All i get is GET A JOB and someone actually had the audacity to say to me that i should basically send my DD to nursery because she would be better off there than stuck at home with a mother who has depression. WTF???

YES, i know i need to get a job, but that doesn't stop my DP from being dangerously stressed this week, it doesn't help NOW does it. That was not what that thread was supposed to be about, i wanted to know what i can do, in what i predict are going to be a difficult few weeks. I am worried about my DP and yes, i know it is all my fault but to tell me i am a bad mother - i am devestated.

I really felt i had turned a corner and starting to look for a job was one of the positive steps i have made. But hey, it just seems that maybe i am toxic to my family and maybe, as some posters apparently think, they would be better off without me.

Time for me to go i think.

Fimbo Fri 03-Oct-08 10:39:20

I spent some time away from MN last week and it was surprisingly refreshing and my house benefitted.

PathofLeastResistance Fri 03-Oct-08 10:40:43

Poor you. Good luck with trying to sort it out. I don't think you are bad mother.

themildmannneredjanitor Fri 03-Oct-08 10:42:23

did anybody actually say 'you are a bad mother'?
or is that what you chose to take from the thread?

TheHedgeWitch Fri 03-Oct-08 10:42:51

Message withdrawn

lucyellensmum1 Fri 03-Oct-08 10:51:43

The thing is, DD starts nursery NEXT week, every day, mornings only - hey, at least she will have a better life now.

The reason i post repeatedly is that things are UP and DOWN with DPs business. Only last week things were looking really good and it was actually looking like it would be necessary for me to start working for DP onthe business properly. enough to justify my time and also justify me not getting paid work. Things fell through, shit happens. DP is stressed and upset - i want to help him now, i can actually see that this business is worth clinging on to despite the set back. I need to get him over this. But perhaps i should just throw my hands up in the air and get a job stacking shelves.

akhems Fri 03-Oct-08 10:53:34

LEM I saw that thread and you know what? fuck 'em!

Sadly there are too many people here who like to sit in judgemental superiority over others, that's why I don't post much about personal stuff even tho sometimes I could really do with some advice or help on things angry

There are some lovely people too tho

gingerninja Fri 03-Oct-08 10:54:37

lEM, that sounds rotten. Can you link to the thread? The only one I saw was this one which wan't nasty.

TheHedgeWitch Fri 03-Oct-08 10:57:48

Message withdrawn

sparkybabe Fri 03-Oct-08 11:02:37

LEM - I haven't seen the other threads but didn;t you vanish for a bit last week?

Sorry things are bad right now, I am looking for a job too but have come up with nothing. Too many people round here being laid off and chasing the same jobs.sad

themildmannneredjanitor Fri 03-Oct-08 11:03:54

have just read the thread in question.
it wasn't mean or nasty. nobody called you a bad mother.

you said dh was stressed because you have no money. so people said that YOU shouyld get a job to help out.

someone commented that far from being detrimental to your daughter, it would be good for her to go to nursery and it would be good for both of you if you are depressed.

you twisted what people said into 'you are a bad mother whose child would be better off at nursery'

that is not what was said.

the only thing that will make your dh feel better i think is not to feel so under pressure. you geting some paid work would be an ideal solution. i don't see why it is so controversial.

i also think your dh should look for paid empolyment as his business doesn't seem to have been going well for a long time.

lucyellensmum1 Fri 03-Oct-08 11:04:17

no ninja, it wasn't that one - i am rather glad you linked it though because i had lost it for some reason and wanted the sites from it grin.

I would quite like to work at tesco in the evenings but my DP often doesn't get home until very late - its erratic so thats out. I might see if i can find some cleaning work in the mornings, but honestly, it almost feels not worth it, for pennies even though we need every one it just feels like a drop in the ocean.

It wasn't meant to be like this

junkcollector Fri 03-Oct-08 11:05:06

I wouldn't take to heart what people on here say. Take the advice which is useful and ignore the rest

VinegarTits Fri 03-Oct-08 11:07:16

Sorry to hear your struggling atm LEM, hope things work themselves out for you soon

lucyellensmum1 Fri 03-Oct-08 11:09:56

This site is just no good for me just now - thanks again everyone.

pagwatch Fri 03-Oct-08 11:14:20


I have no idea what thread you are talking about but would just say that to post expecting nothing but support is always a little niave.
This is an open community and there are people on here that, if you saw them in a street you would probably cross over. There are people who will hold morals that you find repulsive. There will be people who will have different political views and who parent completely differently from you.

Think about it. Would you want those people to be always agreeing with you?

Also - when we post when feeling vulnerable it is really easily to get defensive about what people say. I also always try to assume that I may be feeling inclined towards being offended and try to take with a pinch of salt.

( But please don't link to the thread. Getting a bit tired of the CSI miami approach on MN at the mo grin)

Countingthegreyhairs Fri 03-Oct-08 11:29:45

Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough patch LCM

I don't think YABU ... if you are upset, you are upset!!

Hope things improve for you soon

piratecat Fri 03-Oct-08 11:38:35

i didn't read the thread either. It sounds like things are very tentative and up in the air atm. Perhaps you are sensitive too becuase of all the pressure, and that you feel rubbish becuase you don't know what to do for the best.

good luck though.

nothot Fri 03-Oct-08 16:41:51

CSI Miami pagwatch? Full of beautiful people beautiful beaches beautiful houses and prattish actors?

jesuswhatnext Fri 03-Oct-08 16:52:49

sorry, im with mmj on this one - things have been twisted a bit here hmm

bubblagirl Fri 03-Oct-08 16:54:42

your not a bad mum and your dd has needed you at home im sahm my ds needs me here he has sn and my dp seriously stressed at work but impossible for me to get a job as havent the money for childcare and as dp works away and unknown hours it makes more sense for me to be at home

it doesnt make you a bad person and whatever other peoples opinions are that is all they are you do what is right for you and dont listen to negative input

depression is nothimng to be joked about or thrown at someone who has it you are fab you know it xx

revjustabout Fri 03-Oct-08 16:56:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nickytwotimes Fri 03-Oct-08 16:58:51

I also do not know the thread, but would second those who have said htat there are so many different people on here, with very diffferent beliefs. It is easy for people to misunderstand you and vice versa. It is also the case that we all have our own baggage and that affects how we respond.
I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Hope you can find some support now?

Ripeberry Fri 03-Oct-08 16:59:07

Lucyellensmum, YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER AND WIFE, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
You are dealing with a very stressfull situation at home and lesser women would have run away screaming by now.
You are not toxic and i really hate that word.
You are showing real love to your partner and daughter by sticking by them. I understand about your worry about your daughter going to a nursery, but is she due to start reception soon?
Maybe you could find a good childminder who could collect her from school so you could find yourself a great job and take some pressure off your partner.
You have loads more qualifications than me, you will do OK.
I was getting worried about you as i don't think you've posted for a while.
Go get them! [smile}

Upwind Fri 03-Oct-08 17:08:58

I've not seen that thread, but how did you actually want people to help you? It seems you posted the details of a practical problem, if you just wanted people to say [hugs], and try to tell you whatever would like to hear, you came to the wrong place.

Your finding work would take some of the pressure of your DP. It might also make it easier for you to cope with your depression (speaking from bitter experience) and your DD might enjoy nursery. Getting a job would help immediately in the sense that it would put you in a more powerful negotiating position with anyone to whom you owe money. You could then come to some arrangements, taking the pressure off your DH.

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