Husbands driving

[starzzz]

Hi

Im new to this, and its my first post. Basically, my husband drives fine most of the time, but if someone cuts him up, or cuts in front of him when there really is very little space, he gets all uptight and well arrogant over it... as if someone has done something personal to him. He will then drive right up their rear end, or hoot and give rude hand signals etc.
Ive been in a few accidents when i was younger, and this obvously does not help. When H drives up someones rear or gets agressive, i freak out, which causes an argument. This is what happened on the motorway yesterday :- a guy in a BMW was driving irratically nearly causing accidents behind us, as he was using entire motorway as his own personal space. He then proceedes to cut in front of us in fast lane, so my H was right up there. Anyway, i asked nicely for him to back off from up the BMWs rear, to which H shouted at me not to tell him how to drive etc...and weve not really spoken since.

Am i being unreasonable in asking him to back off (im quite happy for him to drive like that when its just him in the car, if he so wishes) but not when myself and his son are in the car as well!

Thanks for reading

[falcon]

NO YANBU, he's going to cause a very serious accident one day or even kill someone.

I hate tailgaters.

[Mamazon]

YANBU
being cut up is annoying but what your husband is doing is illegal and dangerous

[starzzz]

Hes not a tailgater... he only does it for a short time to "make his point". I just dont see why... even if he is totally in control, why he has to let me get soooo stressed about something when he doesnt have to.

[BitOfFun]

My ex used to do this too, or just drive too fast, and there was no way he would slow down no matter how I asked, because he "wouldn't be told" by a woman how to drive. It makes being in the car with them vile doesn't it? I would say you should talk it over when you are safely at home and explain how scared it makes you.

[falcon]

A short time is still tailgating and long enough to cause an accident, the person in front could have to slam on the brakes at any time and your husband will have absolutely no time to avoid a collision if he's up their backside.

As bitoffun suggested, perhaps talking to him at home, when he may be more willing to listen is a good idea.

[starzzz]

MMMmmmm ive tried talking to him about it before, but he just goes into that "switched off" mode that men seem to have, and basically if i dont like it .. tough. "he has been driving for whatever years and not had an accident so he knows what hes doing".. is the standard response. Im not getting in the car with him anymore unless im driving.

Why are men so arragant over some things!! Drives me mental!!

[prettybird]

Have you tried telling him in term of how you feel eg "I get upset and worried when you drive so close to someone in front. I knwo yuo are a good driver but I am still concered about what the toher drive could do. I would feel happier if you kept your distance, even when they have upset you."

[OurHamsterisevil]

YANBU, he should have more sense than to drive like that at any time but eith your DS in the car, that is totally irresponsible

[AbbaFan]

YANBU as you could be in danger when he acts like this.

[starzzz]

Yeah i know how easy it is for an accident to happen. Unfortunately it seems he and are on totally different wavelengths on this one, and i dont think he will budge. But i guess, thats another whole issue altogether! Thanks for all your help... i guess either a row tonight, or not speaking at all... oh joy!

[prettybird]

Oh - and BTW, YANBU - but that technquie was one we were taught when we went to Relate a wee while ago. Just to say how you feel and what would help stop you feeling that way.

Yu could also say that the other solution to being upset and worried for your ds is to avoid the sitation altogether - that you could drive in future.

[JuneBugJen]

YANBU!!!!

Have same thing with DH..
He drives too fast. I 'nag' him about it.
He drives too fast again. I 'nag' him again.

We have a row because I nag. I wouldn't nag if her just bloody kept to the speed limit. It is an eternal circle.

Only thing to do is break the circle. You always drive. Then there is no circle. Easier said than done but think its the only solution.

Men are arses, aren't they?

[starzzz]

LOL indeed they are June. I just dont get them, they say they love you... and all that.. but, are quite happy to stress you out, cause fights, and maybe accidents, just because they are so pig headed! Go figure!!

[Niecie]

I have something similar - DH is a reasonable, level-headed and considerate person until he gets behind the wheel of a car and then it all goes a bit to pot.

He does occasionally take it personally if he gets cut up but his thing is to drive like he owns the road and everybody is going to get out of his way. He goes tearing up behind people and then has to break when they don't get out of his way. Stay in his way too long and you get flashed or he under or over takes.

He always says that he is in control of the car, knows what he is doing, what the car is capable of etc but he doesn't seem to give any thought to the fact that other people may not be so sure, or their car may not be so powerful.

He has had a couple of accidents in the past where he was doing nothing wrong but people have done something unexpected, he has not foreseen it and there has been a prang. Even with this past experience his only reply when I say anything is to say anything is that they were in the wrong! Arrogant, as you say.

He is OK around town but on long journeys like going on holiday, I try to drive the first leg now (even though he hates it because I don't drive like him and he thinks I am wasting time) because he really needs time to calm down and not drive like an arsehole, frankly.

So much sympathy but the only way I think you are going to stop him driving like this is either for him to have an accident which is a hard lesson to learn or hide his car keys and don't let him drive when you are in the car with him.

[starzzz]

I know exactly what you mean Niecie! I think its the motorways thats the worst for me too. Problem is when we go on an long drive and we have to share the driving.

He also has the attitude of when im driving in town, and someone cuts me up, and i break to avoid a collision, he says i should have let him hit me! I can claim on their insurance!! To which i reply with what if someone gets hurts... but .. apparently if we only going 20-30 miles and hour, and both going in the same direction, noone will get hurt. How utterly rediculous!!

[Niecie]

Do you think they will get better with age, starzzz?

Is it just macho posturing and they won't bother so much when their faculties have started to go? Maybe they will calm down when our sons take to the roads and they realise how stupid they have been because their sons have started copying.

Or worse case scenario do you think they will glide seamlessly from macho idiot driving to senile doddery old fart driving without any sensible years in between?

[Niecie]

By the way, forgot to say, it is very brave of you to post your maiden thread in AIBU?

I have been posting for over a year and I still haven't had the nerve to start one here.

[Ashantai]

My oh is the complete opposite and a model driver, its kinda me who isnt the most "ahem" patient driver. When he gets cut up, i have to stop myself from reaching over to blare the horn!. He's like "ah well its fine" while inside i'm imagining having a car with some sort of rocket launcher so i can blow said offending car into bits!

Luckily, having the kids has calmed me down a helluva lot, i do drive a lot better when they are in the car, and me saying "you *&^%$%&", is replaced with "you idiot"

[starzzz]

Is it bad to post my first thread in AIBU? Lol.. is it too soon to ask? Found this site on friday last week, and spent all afternoon reading! Dont feel able to offer advise to anyone yet tho, feel like ..what do i know kinda thing!!

Back to the issue tho... i do hope they get better with age!

Oh im no saint when driving, when someone does something they shouldn't, im prone to the name calling and the odd hand gesture, the difference is i dont go chasing after the offender to do it lol.. i just get it out my system and move on!

[BlingLovin]

It's a bit like BBQs - men simply can't take criticism of driving (or fires). I have same issue with DH - his driving makes me seriously tense but if I say anything he goes crazy and uses the same, "I've never had an accident" line (I have, so the moral high ground is forever denied me).

But I'm training myself, and him, to only ever say things when it's really truly dangerous, as opposed to just something I wouldn't do - and in those situations he can't really get too cross! And like someone else suggested, I drive more than I would otherwise - if I know I'm a bit tense, I suggest that I drive because otherwise a fight will ensue. He thinks that sometimes I just "feel like driving"

[Niecie]

No not too soon starzzz - But if things are going to go pear-shaped and kick off then it is usually a AIBU thread that does it.

Blinglovin - it is all very well not saying anything but I still have trouble not clutching the dashboard on occasion which kind of gives the game away about my thoughts. I got told off for doing that a couple of weeks ago driving down to Cornwall and I hadn't said a word!!

[BlingLovin]

LOL Niecie. I "look out of the window"... with my eyes tightly closed. He might be aware of it, but that allows us both to pretend it's not happening!

It's not a total winner it has to be said, but I figure he's so tense about this, it's not worth fighting about. If I can avoid it.

[prettybird]

I used to have a friend that I had to not look at the road in front of us as he would practically drive inches from the guy in front.

Fortunately, I only had to drive in his car twice! (there and back!)

[JuneBugJen]

Oh Starzz, other thing that slays me is when DH's drive at hedgehog killing speeds down familiar lanes because they 'know the roads'.

What so there is always a particular tractor/horserider/ cyclist on that particular bend every journey.
How remarkable!