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... in not wanting my MIL to choose our bed without taking our wishes into account

(111 Posts)
jackdaggerette Wed 09-Jul-08 12:03:48

...and in thinking that as two 27 year old professionals we can probably choose our own bed?

DP and I are buying a house together (we currently both live in my flat, which we intend to sell after we've completed on the new house).

It's bad enough that his mother (who I actually get on very well with) clearly thinks this is HIS house rather than OUR house becuase he is contributing more towards the deposit (despite the fact that once my flat sells I will be paying a very significant lump sum into the mortgage), but I'm gritting my teeth on this one since we plan to get married within the next year or two after which I'm assured by DP she'll see it as OUR house.

The current issue is the bed. We currently sleep in my aesthetically pleasing, comfortable, expensive, 5'9" bed. However, MIL wants to buy us a new bed - actually, is insisting on buying us a new bed. This is extremely kind of her and I am very grateful that she wants to help us out. Unfortunately, the bed she wants to buy us is (a) 5' (DP is a rugby player who sleeps in the middle of the bed. We need all the space we can get. Frankly 5'9" is a bit small for us) and (b) from a bed website so we can't even lie on it before buying it. It's also not as nice to look at as the current bed.

What we would actually like to buy is a 6' zip-link bed so we can have two different mattresses since DP weighs not far off twice what I do so our mattress requirements are fairly different. This is not remotely about money - we have offered to pay the difference for a larger bed or suggested she just make a contribution towards a bed we choose.

We have raised the size issue but she thinks a larger bed will be too dominating in the room (despite the fact that the new bedroom is much bigger than our current room in which the bed looks absolutely fine) - plus it's our room, surely even if we wanted a bed that filled the entire available floor space that would be our choice?

Apparently she's bought beds from this website before and they've been fine. However, when I bought my bed I lay on about 50 beds all of which were very different, plus there is this zip-lock separate matresses issue.

I don't feel we can raise the aesthetics issue since she clearly thinks this is a nice bed and I don't want to upset her - plus it's not actually vile, just not as nice as my bed.

DP thinks MIL will be wildly offended if we put "her" bed in the guest bedroom so that's not a possibilty.

She is just being very adamant about this - there seems to be no way to just say "we do not want this 5' bed we haven't lain on" without causing offence.

Am I being unreasonable in feeling cross about this? She's really nice and she's been ill recently so I'm even more anxious to avoid upsetting her. She's also quite a worrier and I know could easily be really upset by this. I really am grateful for the kind thought, I just want to choose my own bed and simply cannot see why MIL should have the final say in the choice of a bed she will never sleep in!

TheBlonde Wed 09-Jul-08 12:09:16

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her choosing what she wants for your house?

Put your foot down now or it will never stop
Just say no thanks, we will sort out our own furniture

As for the his house your house thing I hope it's in joint names

chopchopbusybusy Wed 09-Jul-08 12:10:36

I'm a bit confused. Do you need/want another bed or has she just decided this is a good idea as a housewarming present?

I'd just say it's very kind of you to offer, but it's not really what we want, please don't buy us anything.

wittyusername Wed 09-Jul-08 12:13:14

Agree with TheBlonde -it's v kind that she's buying this for you but surely you're the ones that will have to lie on this bed and so your wishes must be taken into account!

Also agree that you don't want to start a precedent for MIL dictating what you have. Can your DP speak to her?

jackdaggerette Wed 09-Jul-08 12:13:42

Yep, all legal ownership issues are under control - thanks though!

We do need another bed but TBH we'd just planned to keep our current bed in our bedroom and buy one from Ikea or wherever for the guest room (the flat we're moving from is one bed but the new place has a guest room). We ertainly hadn't asked for one but she bought one for her daughter when she bought her first house so wants to be fair.

Thanks guys!

ChickenBurger Wed 09-Jul-08 12:14:38

Just remind her you've already got a bed so you don't need one.

Why would she want to waste her money on something you don't need?

dizzydixies Wed 09-Jul-08 12:15:21

tell dp to speak to her - its HIS mother - time for some apron strings to get snipped here

lol at big rugby player, is she a 5ft tazmanian devil or something!?!?

good luck choosing your wedding venue/dress/baby names btw shocksad

completely agree with putting foot down now but you're going to have to either be firm with his backing or subtle enough so as not to offend but still get your own way

hard one - huge sympathies smile

ChickenBurger Wed 09-Jul-08 12:15:39

Ah! It's because she bought one for her daughter. I think you should just make it clear you need one for the guest room and that's where it will be going then.

ScottishMummy Wed 09-Jul-08 12:16:51

oh god stand up for yourself otherwise she will be pickin your pants based on comfort and a nice webiste

this is a control issue

you need to take it back or she will be fussing over every damn thing

imagine when you have a baby together

frootloop Wed 09-Jul-08 12:18:19

also agree with TheBlond, refuse the offer as politely as you can and buy your huge bed.

we have a six foot bed with our own mattress and its heaven, we have our own duvets too which is double heaven, no more fabric burns from dh yanking the blanket violently.

waffletrees Wed 09-Jul-08 12:19:51

Het your DP to tell her now that you don't need one. She is his mother after all.

You need to start as you mean to go on or she will be choosing your wedding dress and telling you the names of your DCs.

FabioTheWhisperingCat Wed 09-Jul-08 12:19:51

His mother.
His conversation.

elmoandella Wed 09-Jul-08 12:29:38

i would say since you've already discussed it with her and your not getting anywhere then it's you dh duty to put his foot down..

if you are the one to do it you could end up souring a relationship which you say is actually quite good otherwise.

we have super king size. not sure what that is in feet but it's terms of size thAT IS.
we got the zip lock memory foam mattress. i wouldn't recommend it. cost us an extra £3000 for it and it gives us bachache. can't wait till it's 7 years old and we're gonna change it to sprung

jackdaggerette Wed 09-Jul-08 13:20:13

Thanks guys! Now feel much better knowing that you don't all think I'm being totally unreasonable!

DP has already mentioned to her that we think it's too small and that we feel we need to lie on it first, but will ask him to put his foot down nicely and say that we're very grateful but would rather choose our own bed. If she'd like to contribute that would obviously be fine (and very kind) and I do understand why she wants to help but I know I'll feel cross every time I see the bed if it's not the one we actually want!

Pruners Wed 09-Jul-08 13:22:41

Message withdrawn

elmoandella Wed 09-Jul-08 13:36:57

am i the only who thinks it's gonna be weird sleeping in a bed your mil (to be) has picked and bought?

i would be reminded of her everytime i was in it.

yuk, no good for the sex life

MsDemeanor Wed 09-Jul-08 13:39:33

This is really weird! You have to get your dp to put his big foot down now! Why on earth would you spend the next X years in a too small bed to please his mum?

itati Wed 09-Jul-08 13:40:42

Say no thank you as many times as you need to to get the message home, otherwise you will live to regret it.

crokky Wed 09-Jul-08 13:44:57

Did you know that you can get a 6 foot wide bed which has a "different" mattress each side, but does not need to be ziplinked (ie the mattress interiors are made to different hardnesses (or whatever) and then put inside the same mattress with no need to link anything - it is all one mattress)? Plus if pocket sprung, you won't feel DH move. DS sleeps in ours with us and he is only 2 stone, we are much more (obv!) and DS stays still if either of us moves. You could go to a shop and try a pocket sprung to see if your DH moves you when he moves.

Bed v important IMO. Worth the extra money. Stand your ground and get the bed you want/NEED. Try and reason with MIL. A bed is not exactly something to be only used occasionally is it!!!

Bizarely my mum is buying my brother and his GF a bed at the moment. She has let them choose everything about it. GF offerred to pay excess if what they want gets too expensive. Mum fine with this.

MrsTittleMouse Wed 09-Jul-08 13:47:23

Nope! I think that a bed is a very intimate thing for someone else to buy. I wouldn't like it.

dittany Wed 09-Jul-08 13:52:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotDoingTheHousework Wed 09-Jul-08 13:53:20

Message withdrawn

kitbit Wed 09-Jul-08 14:04:29

Nice of her to want to contribute but if she is sensitive enough to be very upset if you say a direct no, why isn't she sensitive enough to get the hints you are dropping? You need to be more direct. Or alternatively buy her a truly hideous garden ornament thing that spurts water noisily at 2am soaking the side of the house and next door's cat, and refuse to let her not accept it as you "want to do something nice for her and this will look lovely, just you see".

magicfarawaytree Wed 09-Jul-08 14:07:33

If you dont get you dp to stand up to her now and put his foot down. I would rather have no new bed and make do that live for the next 7-10 years with a bed that is too small. its a false economy to scrimp on your bed, the quality of sleep that a person gets is paramount and sadly beds are often a hindsighe. say no now and get you dp to set some ground rules it will make it easier in the long run.

magicfarawaytree Wed 09-Jul-08 14:08:24

should be if ' if you dont get dp to stand up to her now she will get worse and worse'.

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