AIBU to ask my working husband to contribute/respect the work around the house?

[Sasha91]

I’m a stay-at-home mum with 2 kids. I’ve been at home since my youngest was born, almost 6 years. I was working before his birth and will be returning to work in the near future.

We are not the tidiest of people but as part of being the stay-at-home parent I took on most of the home duties. One of the frustrations I have faced is that I have asked him to help me by facilitating me to make chores easier.

One example (of quite a few) is the washing up. He will pile (and occasionally do a load of washing up) everything in the sink and the mountain of items will be as high as the taps. To access the plug, you must navigate this pile and sometimes he will have left a load “soaking” and the next day you have congealed grease/sauces/oil to wade into to pull the plug. My request is to use the side to pile dishes (a few in the sink is fine but if you have reached the point of dish Tetris to fit it in then it is time to do the load yourself or stack on the side). I have repeated this request, I have stressed how upsetting/heart-sinking it is for me to encounter the full sink. My requests are usually dismissed or diminished. He will invariably counter with a complaint that is more important or a number of “smaller” issues that would ultimately be more significant in his eyes.

I feel ignored, disrespected, and minimised. It feels as if he thinks as the sole bread-winner that my contribution is not worthy of respect and my opinion on how I want dishes stacked, clothes hung up on a hook, shoes put away when you get home or dirty clothes put into a hamper (when they are dumped on the floor literally next to the hamper) is a trivial nothing and the continued ignorance of these issues and also I have enough time to complete these tasks and others and there is no reason our house couldn’t be tidier.

I agree it could be tidier (and I could do it better) but I don’t believe that it is all a 1-person role. I see the children dump their clothes and shoes and worry that they use his example as a reason not tidy up. I worry that they think less of me as they see Daddy going to work and providing for us. I worry that when I return to work, I will still be doing everything I do now.

He works hard and is the sole breadwinner and I think he feels that pressure, particularly as there have been some difficult and stressful work situations, including losing jobs that he enjoyed. I’ve listened, supported, and comforted through these discussions and any time I’ve brought up my issues he doesn’t want to listen, and I feel he thinks he is being attacked.

I have tried different methods of approaching it and it always ends up with him minimising or outright dismissing my concerns and highlighting what I haven’t done or how he has been affected (by the issue at hand or something completely different). It also often ends up with a conditional situation (If you do this then I’ll do that) but never any acknowledgement that I have a valid concern. I frequently comment to him that I appreciate all his hard work, but I don’t feel he respects mine.

He’s a great, hands-on Dad and we share bed/bath times equally and I don’t doubt his love or commitment to the kids. He spends a lot of time with the kids and doesn’t do nothing around the house, he also often gets the shopping on the weekend.

He does have a poor memory and uses it as a reason he forgot to do these things I have asked but I’ve never seen any attempts to mitigate this poor memory or acknowledge any wrongdoing at all.

I don’t like confrontation and after all this time I don’t even bring it up anymore, but I know each time I’ve picked the same pair of socks from the floor for the 50th time, hung up that wet dressing gown, unplugged a greasy full sink a part of me realises that my contributions are not respected and my opinions on other parts of our relationship and parenting are not given an equal weight. I feel unappreciated and unmotivated.

I often think I am over-reacting and need to move on from it but something about it stops me, so AIBU to expect my working husband to respect my house duties and assist me?

Thank you for reading this long one!

[Shoxfordian]

You’re not overreacting at all

[Shoxfordian]

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

See if this resonates with you
He’s very disrespectful

[pelosi]

YANBU at all. He is taking the piss. You need to to put your foot down and stop doing it.

[PostMenWithACat]

Hmm. On the fence a bit. DH was the sole breadwinner when dc were small and worked very long hours. I therefore did everything at home and never resented it. However, we are both, and he in particular is, very very tidy.

A problem arises when one party feels their contribution is out of step with the others.

[HP87]

You're not over reacting, it's very frustrating to have to do a job to do a job.

[Salome61]

My late husband worked very very hard, often had to travel for his job, and it took me years to realise he didn't have any energy left when it came to the home - which he viewed as my job.

I'm sorry your husband is still doing irritating things and not making an effort to help or please you, but perhaps you can work around them and find compromises. My husband was married before I met him and apparently even his baby son 'told' on him by spying through the crack in the bathroom door, because for the zillionth time he'd left the wet soap on the side of the bath - sometimes they just can't do what they are asked to do.

[pelosi]

@PostMenWithACat

Hmm. On the fence a bit. DH was the sole breadwinner when dc were small and worked very long hours. I therefore did everything at home and never resented it. However, we are both, and he in particular is, very very tidy.

A problem arises when one party feels their contribution is out of step with the others.

But OP's situation is different, her DH does not respect her contribution at all and makes more work for her (congealing dishes etc).

In short, he is a twat.

[TooBored1]

For me, it wouldn't be the contribution but the lack of respect.

How would you feel not doing the job if he's made it harder for you?

Eg don't wash clothes that aren't in the hamper. Don't to the dishes if he's left the sink full of greasy water?

[jamsandwich1]

I honestly could have written this. I am on my second mat leave and I can’t wait to go back to work. My DH acts like I’m a nagging and says I’m trying to control him when I ask him for the millionth time to hang up his wet towel instead of dropping it on the floor (for example) as he doesn’t see it as a big deal. He also uses a ‘poor memory’ as an excuse not to do menial household things as he forgot although he is clever enough to hold down a high pressure job and complete a PhD. I feel like everything I do is just minimised and I have no respect. I just want to scream sometimes but he doesn’t understand and when I blow up he looks at me like I’m an emotional idiot.

[Nanny0gg]

Would he behave like that to a colleague at work? No.

He is disrespectful. Dump his dirty clothes by the side of his bed for a start

[nodogz]

Now you've noticed this, all of his thoughtless behaviours are going to chip away at your relationship pretty damn quickly.

he's a fully functioning adult. He can put his shoes and dirty clothes away.

He's not an extra child and if he acts like one - you can't see him as a partner.

FYI I do the domestic stuff at home but I don't pick up pants or empty cold greasy washing up bowls (shudder). If he sees the floor needs a hoover he does it. We tell the kid we all live here so we all take care of ourselves and the home.

[romdowa]

If the dishes are piled high then they wouldn't get done , clothes and shoes in the way go in the bin etc etc. You've tried talking and it hasn't worked. It's time for action now.

[furstivetreats]

@PostMenWithACat

Hmm. On the fence a bit. DH was the sole breadwinner when dc were small and worked very long hours. I therefore did everything at home and never resented it. However, we are both, and he in particular is, very very tidy.

A problem arises when one party feels their contribution is out of step with the others.

In terms of the sink it makes no difference to the OP's husband whether he puts his used dishes in the sink or next to it. There is absolutely no difference in the effort required. Same as with dumping stuff next to vs in the laundry hamper. Those issues are nothing to do with where people sit on WOH partners doing housework.

[Bollindger]

The washing up might mean buy a dish washer and just load as you go. Yes they cost, but for you it would cut out a problem.
The clothing, well just stick them by his bed, spray if they stnk and refuse to wash towels, or anything unless he puts it in the washing.
With your children do the stickers on the fridge, treats for so many.

[burritofan]

My DP has a poor memory and no impulse control – ADHD – and he still manages to put his clothes in the washing basket (and do a wash!), stack dishes on the side, etc. Or if he leaves something to soak and it goes all gross, he deals with it (we have a mature: “whoever smelt it dealt it” equivalent with gross sink situations or that thing where you drain the frying pan in the bin, forget about it and it gets covered in rubbish.

Go on strike. Only things that make it into the washing basket get washed. You and the kids eat off paper plates (sorry, environment), or wash up the same set of plate/cutlery for each of you in a spare sink (utility, bath); let your husband continue to create a monstrous kitchen situation until it becomes a health hazard and he HAS to sort it out.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

My ex was a lot like this. Wouldn’t do the little things to make my life easier. In particular would bring up other, unconnected issues if I tried to raise his selfish behaviour.

I wasn’t even a sahm I was working, but what he saw as the division of household labour was him pointing out work that needed to be done and me doing it. We are neither of us that tidy either.

[WhatAShilohPitt]

If he’s able to use toilet paper, shave his own face, fasten shoe laces and add petrol to a car then he’s also perfectly capable of not putting a plate in a sink that’s already reached a certain level. You’re right - he can’t be arsed because it’s easiest for him to ignore what you’ve requested. Stop washing up everything that’s piled high. Clothes on the floor don’t get washed. Things which aren’t hung up and put away get stuffed in a bin bag and dumped in a corner until he goes to that bag and puts everything inside away. I think you need to show him that you’ve asked nicely enough times and now you’re not going to ask again.

[MilduraS]

My DH is so similar. He is a nightmare for playing Tetris with the dishes. The washing up is his job because I hate it and I do all of the laundry which he hates instead. It still grates when I walk into the kitchen and find dishes piled sky high and have to reorganise them just to fill the kettle. I really don't understand the logic of stacking them bowl, plate, bowl, saucepan and often get tempted to "accidentally" hit them with my elbow to prove a point.

He also leaves clothes on the floor. The basket is normally in a corner on his side but in summer when we have a fan it moves to my side. Apparently walking around the bed is too much effort so he dumps the clothes at the foot of the fan. Occasionally he'll throw them in the direction of the basket and miss.

[Brefugee]

He isn't going to change, most likely. So strategies.
Can you get a dishwasher?no?can you use a washing up bowl next to the sink to put dirty dishes in?

Clothes next to the laundry hamper - grit your teeth and ignore them. Reiterate: clothes in the hamper will be washed.

Stuff lying around. Either leave it or get a basket and dump it in there. Tell him that's what you're doing. Etc.

As for the DCs you have to train them now or it will never sink in.

[Sasha91]

Thank you so much for your replies.
I have felt alone about it, a bit embarrassed to talk about with other people (either I sound like a nag or it is too trivial or a whiner). Random internet strangers I salute you.

I already do a few of things suggested (I don't pick up the dumped clothes in the bathroom, but have been picking it up in other rooms) but I think seeing your replies (whether I agree with them or not) has given me the confidence to tackle it head-on and not shy away from it. I need to set the boundaries (even if I feel I've done it before) and stick to them.

Sorry to anyone experiencing the same or similar. I hope the replies help you too.

Thank you.

[Bollindger]

This works by the way.
You. Please put your clothing in the basket.
Him. You don't see to have blacked the gate today.
You. I agree I didn't have time, please can you put your clothing in the basket, or it won't get washed.
Him. I don't have time to do that, and your home all day, you do it.
You. Yes I am home all day, but your an adult so put your washing in the baskets.
Him . Stop nagging.
You. Ok I will stop nagging, but don't nag me when you only have dirty clothing.
It is the agree method, then add on what you want to say.

[gurglebelly]

sometimes they just can't do what they are asked to do.

I can't believe no one has commented on this little gem from a PP. OF COURSE THEY FUCKING CAN, they just can't be arsed.

Of course that whole post is full of excuses about the husband being tired from his big man job but regardless who is at work and who is at home, everyone lives in the house and should contribute.

Some of us live in homes where both of us have busy and stressful lives and jobs (which in my case may include travel) yet somehow don't live in complete squalor because we are both functioning adults that take responsibility for our home

[rwalker]

You need to get organised I used to come home to a complete tip didn't know where to start to help.

DW used to quite untidy piles of crap and stuff everywhere cleaning seemed pointless as still looked a tip .

We went through everything got rid of clutter honestly housework take 1/4 of the time.

Buy a dishwasher couple of hundred pounds or if not get on Facebook market place you'll get one for £40

[Bollindger]

Rwalker, it picking up your clothing is rank, that isn't oh I don't know how to help.
He won't wash up, not because the kitchen is dirty, but because he doesn't want to. Not the same thing .

[NoSquirrels]

Have you been explicitly crystal clear about the dishes in the sink?

i.e.

DH, I’m not washing up anything that’s left in the sink. Pile it on the side and I will wash up, but if the sink is full of dishes it becomes your job.

Then stick to it. Make a notice if you have to, stick it by the sink office-kitchen-style. Like a PP says, you wash up yours and the kids stuff elsewhere (plan an easy week of sandwiches etc) and don’t touch anything that goes in the sink.

Be hard-nosed about it. It’s a lazy habit - a disrespectful lazy habit but it’s just a habit. He can change. But you need to make it an absolute rule, no exceptions. Stuff piled in the sink = your husband’s issue to sort out.