AIBU to set boundaries with overbearing mother now or wait till D.C. is born?
For background, I have a difficult relationship with my mother; controlling behaviour, emotional abuse etc. Years of work to build a functional relationship. She was not willing to accept her behaviour and refused to make changes, so this has been about me managing her behaviour and keeping boundaries.
On average I visit her 4 times a year. She usually visits me & DH twice a year for an afternoon / go for a meal. We exchange messages in a family group chat every few weeks, no one to one messages. This has worked well and we haven’t had a disagreement nor has she been verbally abusive towards me in 6 years. I also managed to get engaged, plan a wedding, get married etc without any fallouts, which would have previously been impossible.
I am 14 weeks pregnant and after an early scan at 11 weeks I told her. I would have preferred to wait longer but DH wanted to tell his parents and I felt it fair to tell her on the same day. I knew she would be excited, however this will be her third grandchild (brother has 2x DD) so I wasn’t expecting such a strong reaction.
Although DH and I are happy for her to have a relationship with baby, we made it clear we would not depend on her for childcare or other “help”. Despite this she began listing plans for her being there for childcare, travelling to us to do housework, cooking meals as she believes I am not eating properly (she didn’t ask, just assumed), asked for dates and times of appointments, wants a list of supplements I’m taking, and made it clear she feels both our kitchen and bathroom need renovating immediately. She has since text me at least 3 times per day with questions and unsolicited advice. She has text to say she is very upset that I am not telling other members of the family and wider friends until after next scan, despite my explanation regarding concerns of MC etc. She is also unhappy I am accepting second hand items (buggy, car seat etc) from friends instead of buying new, and disagrees with our plans to make our spare room a nursery as she feels the baby won’t need a nursery for the first year.
Its stressful to have this level of attention and questioning when I am so used to less contact, and it seems like immediately all the boundaries that took so long for her to respect have just disappeared. I’m trying to leave it a day before I respond to texts, being polite but firm etc, but already I have had a message saying I am causing distress by not replying fast enough and how important it is for her to be updated with info - and this, I feel, could be the start of her returning to abusive behaviour if I don’t respond the way she wants.
DH’s parents were delighted and have sent a few texts since, I was hoping for this reaction from my own side.
My question is AIBU to ask her to back off and reimplement boundaries now, so that the expectations will be clear by the time baby arrives? I have already said we will not need her for childcare when I return to work, however she has dismissed this as she looks after my nieces when they are not at nursery, so presumes we will need the same (even though we live 80 miles away). She also text to say she is coming next weekend to to clean our house - had to respond to say no thank you, (our house is always clean, we are both very clean / tidy people however this is something she fixates on and frequently comments on us needing a cleaner for a “professional finish”).
Or, am I overreacting? Do I just wait it out, hope that the dust settles and things will return to normal and revisit boundaries when baby arrives?
Any advice from people with a similar family dynamic would be appreciated
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AIBU?
To set boundaries with Mother now or wait till DC
29 replies
Yesterday22 · 28/06/2020 18:12
OP posts:
Am I being unreasonable?
71 votes. Final results.
POLL
You are being unreasonable
4%
You are NOT being unreasonable
96%
DDIJ ·
28/06/2020 18:34
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