AIBU to be so mixed up about whether to have a second child?

[AncientRainbowABC]

Basically, I’ve recently turned 36 and whether or not we have a second baby has really been playing on my mind.

DH and I have a fantastic DD who is almost 1. It took 2 years TTC and then 3 failed pregnancies in fairly quick succession to have her. We adore her and it was such a happy time to have her join our family.

Now I’m coming to the end of mat leave, seeing DD become more independent and turning older, I can’t stop thinking about newborns and the possibility of a second child. Probably remembering though rose-tinted glasses what it was like to have newborn DD, yes. But that feeling of a new life growing, the tiny squishy newborns, it’s so often on my mind.

Then I think you can’t have your first experience of anything a second time and maybe I’m just yearning for a happy
(and Covid free!) time, not another baby.

Then I think we’ve hit the jackpot with DD and maybe stop there. We are (to use that dreaded phrase) comfortably off but by no means care-free in money terms. It would be better for DD resource-wise if we only had her, and less stressful for me and DH financially, which again impacts family life. Life with two would mean moving house further out, longer commute/hours etc. I’m obviously biased, but our DD seems smart and ahead on lots of things so we often wonder if nurturing her talents, whatever they turn out to be, would be the wiser thing.

Then I go to the thought of her being alone when we die. But who’s to say she wouldn’t be anyway or that she’d even get on with siblings (DH and I don’t with ours.)

Plus DD is such a “good baby” - easy going, great sleeper, very affectionate and cute. If we had a more challenging baby I’m not sure we’d cope as no family to really on.

There are also the concerns about the stress and pain TTC brought us last time and do we potentially want to put our happy little gang of 3 through that as well as the new financial pressures if we do have a second? Would it be a net detriment to DD? And do me and DH as a couple.

But then I think of all the additional love and fun there might be too, if we were 4. Before we had DD, could never have imagined how much better life would be with her. What if it’s better again with another?

I guess my age is what’s made this come into focus so much. We’d have to TTC now(ish) in case it all takes another 3-4 years as the problems were never diagnosed. But TTC now seems even more stressful given all the uncertainty of Covid and DH’s shielded status.

Sorry for the essay and thank you for reading. It’s really helped just to write this down. I’d love to hear all and any thoughts.

YABU - you’re overthinking it, have a big G&T and revisit this time next year, still a bit of time left.

YANBU - second children don’t always bring more rainbows and sunshine, you’re right to be cautious and more isn’t always better.

[Elephantonascooter]

You are right to be cautious, especially now. We had long discussions and eventually decided that a second child would enhance DS1 life more than any amount of money could.
I don't get on with 2 of my siblings and dh one of his but we both know their presence will be of comfort when our parents pass. Having someone to reminisce with is invaluable.
We have just got bfp so all being well will have a 2. 4 Yr age gap between dc. It will be difficult but rewarding.
Only you know what's best for your family but for me, I know DS1 will make a wonderful older brother and all our lives will be enriched by DC2.

[lanthanum]

We stuck to one, and it's working out just fine. There are loads of things you can do with only one child that are trickier with more than one. We're perhaps lucky that she's the sort of kid that doesn't crave company.

[Useruseruserusee]

We felt the same and did go on to have a second. We are very happy but would have been equally happy with just one.

And neither of mine were easy babies. Our first was an awful sleeper due to reflux and we thought it would surely be easier the second time around. It wasn’t!

[Curiosity101]

I've thought a lot of your thoughts over the last 6 months or so, so you're definitely not alone.

I've also heard from other people about how hard they found adjusting to having a second. Even if technically they managed fine, a lot of people have tremendous guilt about beginning to share their time with a second child when the first one was used to all the attention.

There will be a 'right' answer for your family, and you'll figure it out.

The only thing that did jump out to me was this...
I can’t stop thinking about newborns and the possibility of a second child. Probably remembering through rose-tinted glasses what it was like to have newborn DD, yes. But that feeling of a new life growing, the tiny squishy newborns, it’s so often on my mind.

I reckon that is rose-tinted glasses. I keep saying to DH that if we have a second I'd love to be able to skip ahead to 6 months old. The point at which they're fully interactive and exploring the world. I love other people's newborns. But even though our baby was an 'easy baby' I will never forget just how monotonous it was. For the first few months, there was very little in the way of positives for me. Doing that with another child requiring my attention fills me with dread, but I really really want a second one.

[Piglet89]

It is such a personal thing. I just know I couldn’t do the monotony of the newborn months and the terrible sleep deprivation. So I’m clear I’m sticking at one (had a pretty positive experience of being an only myself).

But you sound much more torn than I am.

[DefConOne]

We had a second very easily with just under 3 year gap after struggling to conceive number one. First baby was very difficult and we had no family support until she got better at 6 months. But we still wanted another. Second time round I was so much more relaxed, easier baby with adorably cute toddler. It was a happy but exhausting time (both poor sleepers). No regrets whatsoever. Money can’t buy the experience of siblings. DH is an only and I have a big age gap with my sibling. What my girls have is priceless. They don’t always get on but they have company and are learning to negotiate and fight their corner in a way I never did. They always support each other when needed. They are so different to each other but a little unit.

[AncientRainbowABC]

Thanks everyone for sharing their thoughts so far. Really helpful and I don’t feel quite so tense on reading your posts.

Elephantonascooter congrats on the BFP! Aww. 😊

Really good point about the first child’s temperament, I will keep that in mind, stupidly hadn’t really thought of this before. DH and I are both introvert loner types at heart. Suspect our DD might be too.

Also reassuring to hear you’d have felt they’d be equally happy either way Useruseruserusee. That was kind of a relief to see on a screen somehow.

Curiosity101 and Piglet, yes the monotony is hard, I do remember around the 3-4 month mark it was just awful actually and I was so tired. I don’t think I could do it without help with an older child in tow too, which in our position will need to be paid help. And I would definitely be very susceptible to the guilt around splitting time.

I think I’m so torn bc DH and I aren’t from “normal” families, in the sense that there have been twists and turns in both where we each lived away from the family home at times, plus some tense half sibling relationships have also impacted how we got on with full siblings. Perhaps it’s no wonder DH and I found each other and get on so well. What this thread is helping me realise is that I haven’t really felt the benefits people say come with siblings. I think that’s why it’s so hard to picture that for DD. DefConOne your post was so helpful in that respect.
Thank you for helping me think about this more fully.

[ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal]

Unless you're in a 1 bed, why would you need to move house? The two kids can share.

[Sparklingplasters]

My only child during lockdown has been so lonely, I tried for another and failed, if I could have another, healthy child then I would

[AnnieGetYerGun]

I think if you’re torn, wait a bit longer and see if things change. Did you really, really want your first? Ideally, you should really want your second, too. At least, that’s how I feel.

[Mummyjsa]

We have three, but did think long and hard about having a second, and what the right choice was. Seeing my oldest with his younger sisters is the most wonderful thing, and they have given him more than any amount of money ever could have. They were the greatest gift we could ever have given him. He was the easiest baby, and at 9 is still a breeze now, and his sisters are very much the opposite.

[yukka]

I could have written your post myself, even the pregnancy history, only difference is im 41.

Regardless of my age we've decided that rushing it now wouldn't be right. We want to see how dd develops more first and give her that 121 time. I suppose we are defaulting to only havjng 1 dd but we will keep reassessing our situation and our feelings.

Being older and looking down the road we're financially planning to retire when she (may) go to uni. A second child starts to change plans quite a lot in general. Having a 15/16 yr old at 60? We don't think we want that.

But you are younger so you do have more time.

Either way, she's just adorable and I'm so glad we have her in our lives. I'm grateful every day for just her.

[Curiosity101]

I had a pretty a-typical upbringing too, I'm NC with my mother and honestly couldn't tell you who my father is. Despite having 2 half-siblings I've always felt like an only child (and have lived separately to them most of my life). So I may feel similar to you and your DH @AncientRainbowABC

I don't really 'get' the need for a second sibling but my DH comes from a very typical and loving family so he assures me that having a sibling is great. I always said I'd be willing to consider a second but would wait and see. Now that I've had our DS I'm totally smitten though, and if it will also give him a potential buddy for life then all the better. My DH and his brother couldn't be more different though, but he assures me that he always knows his brother would be there for him if he ever needed anything. I like the idea of DS having that too.

[Desiringonlychild]

@ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal what if the second child is a different gender. one of the reasons i am sticking to 1 is because i am living in a 2 bed flat. the second bedroom is quite small but it can fit in a bunk bed, big desk and cupboard. Or it can fit a double bed and we can go in that room and let the DC have the other room.

But at age 10, they are going to need their own rooms if they are boy girl siblings. I don't know if i can upgrade at that time even if its a long time away. yes we can move further out but who knows what would have happened to the house prices then, the commuter towns and rail fares are unbelievably expensive; it was actually cheaper for me to buy my 2 bed london flat than to buy a 2 bed house in a SE commuter house if you take all costs into consideration.

But if I only have 1 child, we would have our own room, DC would have his/her room, there is no issue.

[IrelandsIndustry]

My dd is 4 and we still don't know. I'm only 32 so realistically have a few more years to decide.

I hate it when people trot out "you'll never regret the children you have but you might regret the ones you don't"

I simply don't think that it's true.

[helia]

Join One and Done on the Fence on Facebook. Really helped me to reach a decision.

[Samster45]

My dd is also 4 and I’m age 32 too. I have a feeling we won’t go on to have another. At age 4 my DD has no interest in having a sibling. Her friends have had siblings and if you ask her if she wants a brother or a sister she says no; so I suppose it depends on the personality of the child.

I was one of three and much happier by myself when younger, as my sister’s used to take over games, breaks things, ruin things etc. We have an okay relationship as adults but not amazing. I don’t think I would have much reminiscing to do with my sisters to be honest as once we went to school it was only summer holidays we really were together, and even then by age 11 it was all spent with friends anyway not siblings. I can reminisce with my friends about my parents, as once at school I spent more time with them than my sisters.

You get some children who yearn for a sibling and others who really don’t care. At age 1 you probably won’t know which your child is but by age 3 my dd knew she didn’t want a sibling. I think I’d regret going against her wishes to be honest. We were okay with that anyway as I was torn and it would be such a massive uprooting of her life.

Currently she has a group of 3 friends that she spends most days with (they started at the local Childminder together age 1 and are now going to the local primary school together) and I would recommend getting into the childminder who will mind for the school your child will be in; dd and her friends are closer than siblings and spend huge amounts of time together. She also knows a lot of kids in the older years as they are minded there too so she’s already got a really good social life. She also does dancing, gymnastics and swimming with friends there too.

The crux of it all is however we simply all like our life the way it currently is to Consider changing it

[Spotsonmyapples]

Other people will be really helpful about pros/cons of 1 or 2 I'm sure, the only thing I wanted to add is that I think coming to end of may leave/first year is a really emotional time. You keep thinking about this time last year when they were new and you really feel the sense of time passing. I know I really felt like something was ending, mat leave is just this unique time you know you can't repeat and you're faced with going back to more how your life was before and it triggered lots of 'TTC' thoughts for me. Really truly though I think I didn't want a second child particularly (although I've always wanted two) I wanted a mat leave with my current child all over again.
I understand your thoughts on time and TTC but my only advice would be to maybe get through this transition period, settle back into work, get into your new routine with your DD and see how you feel then. Good luck and congratulations on having your DD

[Periperhaps]

I would go for it if I were you. But don’t put too much pressure on yourself since you don’t mind either way?

Having two can be great. Over lockdown, mine have played with each other non stop. Would have been much harder if they didn’t have each other.

I wanted another but it didn’t work out. At 36 I hesitated and waited a bit longer. At 38, I spent two years trying. At 40 I am now sure another will never happen for me! (Though I know I am lucky with the children I have.)

[AncientRainbowABC]

What a tremendous amount of good thoughts - thank you to each of you again. 😊

AnnieGetYerGun Spot on. I think that’s at the heart of it - I don’t feel as strongly. I was never one for babying dolls or wanting a child from a young age, but as I got older I thought about it and really wanted a baby, DH and I both did. This time it’s more rational than emotional.

yukka I think we might have been on the same antenatal thread once! DH is 42 and that’s a very good thought about a 15/16 yo at 60!

Curiosity101 and Mummyjsa aww that so lovely about siblings.

helia thank you! Will do.

Samster45 that’s really, really helpful about siblings/holidays and re: childminder too.

Spotsonmyapples a million times yes to “this time last year”, all I can think of when I have a minute to myself. I will do the transition before throwing myself of DH 😝.

On moving house, we do have more than 1 bedroom now, but we’re in a flat and it’s not big. Also the schools where we are are pretty patchy and with two there would be no money do think of private school/extra tuition if for some reason it were necessary and we remained in our current home.

[MinnieMountain]

See how you feel once you're back at work.

We seriously considered having a second. I even got pregnant. But after I miscarried we changed our minds.

What did it was that life felt so good, and so easy (as much as life with a 2yo can).

DS is 6 and we've never regretted it. We have time with DS individually and enough time to ourselves. He does need more attention than if he had a sibling but also there are no arguments to referee.

I've never been close to my DSis but DH and his DB were close until their 20's. They barely see each other now they live in different places.

[SausageCrush]

Both my Dh and Df were only children and both hated it. Both of their experiences influenced me and we have two Dc, 3 years apart.

We are older parents and are kids don't have any cousins, so also didn't want a single child to have the burden of older parents in years to come.

Some people will say their Dc are the best of friends, while others will not get on at all. My last point is that you can't really control this, but at least with two they learn about sharing, relationships, emotions, etc from each other and hopefully be company for each other.

My two are teens now are get on quite well, but have become very close over lockdown - as there weren't any other options! It's been lovely to see them 'hang out' together.

Good luck, whichever way you decide

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

pregnant with number 2, partially to give my daughter a sibling. I personally am not an extrovert enough to ensure my child has constant play dates, and I find it exhausting to be my child’s only source of entertainment. I grew up with a sister and can say to me it’s priceless. It’s not even about when parents die, ours died by the time I was 20. It was growing up having someone to play with on holiday, talk to at the dinner table, do homework with, even bicker with.

[Bythebeach]

@lanthanum What are the loads of things you can do with only one that you can’t with more? Do you mean if things are tight financially/time wise?

[EpicDay]

In the end you have to go with your gut and know there are no guarantees. I had a very easy sunny first baby, but he had serious physical health problems which meant we waited some time before trying to have another. I too was very torn like you and in all honestly DS2 is much harder work emotionally and a much more tricky character all round. Of course now he’s here I wouldn’t be without him and I am fortunate that my boys get on well despite the nearly 6 year age gap. But you’re right to be cautious as it’s not all plain sailing. For me, in the end I just woke up one day and knew that it was the right thing to do. By which time I was nearly 40 so incredibly lucky really to get pregnant again. One thing I would say is that your daughter will be 100 percent fine if she is an only child and don’t let anybody bully you into having another one because they believe it’s the right thing for their family - it has to be the right thing for you. Good luck.