AIBU to not want to get married

[pyjamagirl]

Ok this is long and confusing so I apoligise in advance.

In 2006 we won a wedding not the whole shindig but quite a few freebies (like the wedding breakfast and stuff) I had no idea dp had gone for this contest and was happy we won it when I found out however it has had to be postponed once due to our DD been seriously ill at the time ,now we are due to do it in a years time thing is I cant be bothered there is too much in bickering with the families we have to put at least another 7k towards it which we dont have tbh.

I know I sound so ungrateful but I would be happy just to go to the register office with dp and do it quietly .

It really is crunch time now 'cos if we go ahead with the big wedding then we are going to have to start booking stuff and putting deposits down.

What worries me is we have 5 dc and I dont think I can face a year of been skint just for one day and paying all that money for ungrateful relatives and nasty ppl who call themselves my friends (i KNOW i SOUND BITTER)

I would much rather do up my house next year and take the DC on their first real holiday in years I actually feel a bit selfish to be thinking about saving all this oney for 1 day .

Also I do love DP dearly we have been together for 10 years so it'd not 'cos of him I dont want to do it

so any advice would be welcome

Am I silly to throw it away or is it more sensible to use the money for a holiday and house stuff

[bossykate]

no not at all! have you discussed it with dp?

[KristinaM]

are you saying that you dont want to get married? or that you dont want a big wedding?

two different things

[maisemor]

don't think you are being unreasonable.

I take it that your partner wants the full shinding though?

Have you explained to him why you feel this way? Because all your reasons sound very reasonable and well thought through.

[KristinaM]

btw not sure why you woudl have to spend another £7K??? We had a BIG fancy wedding and it cost £6k in total. still too much IMHO. and we didnt get anything free!!

[curiouscat]

YANBU. I think you should ignore the offer, it's not much of one if you've still got to pay loads. As long as your DP understands I'd not worry about it. You don't have to feel ungrateful or go along with anything that isn't just what you both want.

[pyjamagirl]

IDK what I'm saying I did get carrrried away with the whole I'm getting married thing for a while but I just feel sick when I think of it

I think I would just like me and dp there TBH

[pyjamagirl]

The competition was on a radio station and they advertised as win a wedding get your whole wedding paid for

what you actually get was
a wedding breakfast for 50 ppl

room hire for the night service

a night in the hotel

and a drinks package


so what I have to pay for is my dress ,bm dresses , grooms men outfits, flowers ,photographer ,cars , pay the registra plus his fee for coming out to the hotel , a videographer ,hair and make up and all the little extras

[Mung]

I am truly biased here...I'll warn you now. Personally, I think weddings should be about the couple and NO-ONE else. I feel that when couples have the huge shin-dig they loose sight of the most important thing; themselves (and in your case your 5 DC). Everyone else starts to give their views, you invite people you dont want there just because you feel you should and there is so much worry about it all.

If you want a quiet wedding then have a quiet wedding, whether you won the prize or not. TBH it will cost less that way. When I got married, DH and I arranged it all and then told our close family 2 weeks before, giving them the choice to be there is they wanted. They couldn't comment (although they tried ) on anything, as it was already done, paid for and sorted.

Its about YOU Pyjamagirl, so do what YOU want, if thats a holiday and house stuff then so be it.

I hope manage to make a decicion that you and DP are both happy with.

[newlifenewname]

My wedding cost £800 and was in a beautiful place with painted ceiling. Friend did photos, I did invites and place names and favours. Guests and groom wore their own stuff and I bought my sis's bridesmaid dress. My mum made mine.

It doesn't have to be expensive.

[pyjamagirl]

Thankyou I really think DP feels the same too I think the radio station misled quite a few ppl but hey -ho

[Bessie123]

Pyjama girl, if it is the money that's stopping you, you should contact the advertising standards agency and get them to force the radio station to pay for your wedding. If they advertised a free wedding, they have to give you one (subject to the small print). You shouldn't be topping it up. If you are more worried about the other considerations (such as not wanting "friends" and family there), of course you shouldn't have to do it.

[pyjamagirl]

It isn't really the money i know we could do it if we tightened our belts TBH I just cant be arsed with it lol

[pinkteddy]

agree with newlife -don't have to have bridesmaids or grooms mens outfits - its only about you and your DP. As for video and photos - have you no friends who could do these for you? I didn't have cars at my wedding, my dad drove me in his car, we just put a few ribbons on it - in photos it looks absolutely fine, you can only see doorway with me coming out.

[dissle]

ahhhh, we didnt tell any one till one week before we went to the reg office.
i hired a dress for me and my little niece.
family payed for photos,
was cheep cheerful and fab .


keep money for family, get yourself to reg office, doitdoitdoit....

[dissle]

after we went with 15 family members to the local (gorgeous) pub and had a meal.
met pals in the same pub at night for a drink.

no complications, no fuss, no expense, was brill

[crokky]

pyjamagirl - talk to your DP, make sure he understands you love him dearly etc etc but say to him that what is important to you about marriage is not the day/party, it is the 2 of you and your kids and your lives together. Tell him you would love to be his wife and soon! We had a register office wedding and it was so lovely and neither of us have ever regretted it, no matter how many posh wedding bashes we go to. It was just us, our parents and brothers. This type of wedding is quick to arrange, totally hassle free and makes a really lovely day. Don't invite anyone who is going to piss you off either. If necessary, just go with DP, kids and 2 witnesses. Given what you have written, I honestly believe you will have a much nicer day like this. And screw the radio station!

[pyjamagirl]

Thankyou I know in my heart I only want a small day have already been looking for small cosy places to have a meal in

[MRSskidaddle]

pjamama girl - I got married two weeks ago in my in-laws' back garden - it was completely low-key and the whole thing cost £500 and it was so lovely and EVERYONE said how nice it was not to be at a huge big do.

Think you can have a really amazing day without all that stuff - that way you can do everything you want (do up house, go on hols) and get married so everyone is happy. Sounds like you know this already though - hope your dp is fine with it, I'm sure he will be, and have a lovely day

[BroccoliSpears]

Oof! The thought of spending 7k on one day makes me feel a little queasy!

[HonoriaGlossop]

I agree Broccoli. And as you say, pj, when you have kids and a house, actually it IS selfish to spend that kind of money on a wedding. It really isn't worth it.

As others have said it is more than possible to have a magical day without the whole 'formula' thing.

Usually the smaller, different weddings are by FAR the best

[Anna8888]

Use the money for a holiday and the house - no question.

[mozzybear]

Not worth it if you're not going to enjoy it. I had a great day but my mother bikering at me for 6 months before (and after) and various stuff make my really wish me and dh had grabbed a couple of friends and gone north (law in scotland makes it infinitely easier to get married) for a couple of days, got married in a register office.

If your heart is telling you it's not how you want it... then listen. Anyone who cares about you will understand.

[Dawnybabe]

Don't let this put you off getting married! I was a bit nervous before my wedding, partly at the thought of the cost, but I am now loving being a 'Mrs' after being a 'miss' till I was nearly thirty, and it seems so long ago now that the cost has been forgotten. In the end we had a lovely day and the only thing I regret is not getting off my arse and losing a bit more weight for my wedding photos!

You really do not need to spend a fortune. And talk to the radio station - ask them if the offers are a bit flexible. Or talk to the hotel concerned. I'm sure they'd help you out, ie. a smaller wedding breakfast so you don't have to have so many people, etc. It's your bloody wedding, tell them what you want!

[LilyLoo]

How about having the nice quiet register office with you and dp and the kids. Then have the wedding meal the day after with the drinks paid for and stay in the hotel.
I presume you can use the prize how you wish, so just have the quiet wedding and use the prize as a party afterwards to celebrate.

[Emprexia]

"dress ,bm dresses , grooms men outfits, flowers ,photographer ,cars , pay the registra plus his fee for coming out to the hotel , a videographer ,hair and make up and all the little extras "

Well, all that lot will cost an extra £7000
But do you really need all of those?

You can get gorgeous bm dresses from BHS/Marks & Spencers
You can ever get your dress from there, or Debenhams, or just buy one off the rack for £250.

Cars.. mine cost £250 for a stretch limo hire. Registrar should only be £100... the most expensive things is always the food and the photographer.

With what you've won, you can have a big shindog with a more reasonable £1500, not the 7 grand you're estimating.