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Wedding or Funeral?

(31 Posts)
LifeIsAPotato Sat 15-Feb-20 00:39:01

I have been invited to the Wedding of a good childhood friends son, I haven't been in touch with her for approximately 20 odd years, however we it in touch again a few months ago after I tracked her down using the internet.

A cousin's wife has suddenly passed away today and the funeral coincides with the wedding.

I was having second thoughts about attending the wedding, it will be held at a posh London hotel with parking issues and extortionate parking charges, although I was pushing myself to go to support my friend who is now having issues with her family saying they may not attend the wedding 😏

I rarely see cousin but I do really like him, rarely saw his wife but she was nice and they have a very young family.

Do I apologise to my friend and go to the funeral or am I using the funeral to get out of going to the wedding! sad. No idea what's best here..

PenelopeFlintstone Sat 15-Feb-20 00:41:16

If you can’t somehow manage both in part (such as morning funeral and evening wedding reception), I would go to the funeral and catch up with your friend afterwards.

WorraLiberty Sat 15-Feb-20 00:43:21

Go to the funeral.

The wedding of a person you don't even know, will trump that every time.

If you want to support your newly rekindled friendship, you can do that any time.

sofaandchoc Sat 15-Feb-20 00:47:17

Could you not go to the funeral and attend the evening part of the wedding?

Out of interest, is it usual for a funeral date to be arranged the same day as someone dying? I've never been involved in funeral arranging but from the sidelines I thought it was always a couple of days after death that the funeral date was set.

avamiah Sat 15-Feb-20 00:50:01

None .
I find both very stressful .
I have only been to my dads funeral 20 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday .
It was very stressful with long lost relatives turning up.

WorraLiberty Sat 15-Feb-20 00:50:32

That's a fair point sofaandchoc.

If she only died today, how on earth have they got a date for the funeral already?

Are you sure there's not been miscommunication here OP?

85notout Sat 15-Feb-20 00:53:21

The funeral.
My dads funeral date was arranged the same day after he died overnight.

WorraLiberty Sat 15-Feb-20 00:55:04

Fair enough 85notout but that is very unusual to be fair.

Purpleartichoke Sat 15-Feb-20 00:55:20

Some religions require quick funerals. It isn’t unheard of to schedule immediately.

I think I would attend the funeral and send a generous gift to the bride and groom with an apology for missing the wedding. Also, contact your friend and explain the situation and let her know you really hope you can catch up soon. Maybe prompt her to bring lots of photos when you get together for a meal.

85notout Sat 15-Feb-20 01:00:01

Yes, also he was in a very small town so less demand.

LifeIsAPotato Sat 15-Feb-20 01:01:57

Yep, it looks like I will attend the funeral. Can't do both, Funeral is at 2pm with food afterwards, but about 1/1.5 hours away from home. Wedding will be at 6pm, so won't have time for travel/change of clothes etc. @sofaandchoc it's an Islamic funeral, it's preferable to bury the deceased as soon as possible, she passed away today, funeral tomorrow 😔

WorraLiberty Sat 15-Feb-20 01:06:47

The funeral is a no brainer then.

Sunday is a great day for a wedding, I'm sure they'll have a good turn out regardless.

WorraLiberty Sat 15-Feb-20 01:07:07


sofaandchoc Sat 15-Feb-20 01:07:07

I thought it might be something like that.

So the wedding you are missing is tomorrow/today. Assuming the couple have paid for your place at the wedding I can see how this is a dilemma for you.

Only you know the deceased and their family and the couple. How would each react to you missing one or the other?

I read somewhere once that funerals are for the living rather than the deceased. Do they need your support? Would they understand you missing it due to prior commitments?

katy1213 Sat 15-Feb-20 01:11:38

Sounds like you don't know either side very well, so it doesn't matter which you choose - you're not central to either event.

LifeIsAPotato Sat 15-Feb-20 01:12:09

@avamiah, I'm sorry to hear that, I can only imagine how that felt, however I still feel obliged to go to pay my respects/support my cousin at this time.

HeddaGarbled Sat 15-Feb-20 01:18:16

If you’ve already accepted the wedding invitation, it would be very rude to not go unless there were a compelling reason, and I don’t think the funeral of someone you weren’t particularly close to is good enough.

The time for doubts is before you’ve accepted the invitation. Once you’ve accepted, you’ve made a commitment.

Be honest, you won’t be missed at the funeral, will you? But you will be missed at the wedding.

avamiah Sat 15-Feb-20 01:21:24

Thank you.
Yes of course you must do what you feel is right .

LifeIsAPotato Sat 15-Feb-20 01:21:48

I don't know the wedding couple at all, it a big Asian wedding 300 guests, I won't be missed by anyone apart from my friend, she's been amazing accomodating me and making me feel like one of the family so I'm hoping her family will put aside their differences and attend their nephew/grandsons wedding.

My cousin purposely distanced himself from his Father's side of the family and we only visited eachother a handful of times, however I am fond of him and he would notice if I didn't attend the funeral (given that he only associates with very little family).

avamiah Sat 15-Feb-20 01:25:21

I’ve been to one of them and yes they are huge and I would follow your gut feeling and go to the funeral .

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Sat 15-Feb-20 01:25:29

The couple getting married are not going to give a flying fuck whether or not you're there. Sounds like you haven't met them?

Plus, everyone only gets one funeral, but most people will have more than one wedding.

Bluerussian Sat 15-Feb-20 01:26:17

I'm glad you're going to the funeral. Your friend will understand but it might be possible for you to get to the wedding late in the evening - do try.

avamiah Sat 15-Feb-20 01:28:21

Yes I agree with Bluerussian
As a Asian wedding goes on for hours .
Trust me I know .

Katzia Sat 15-Feb-20 01:29:50

@HeddaGarbled not missed at a funeral! You certainly will be in some cultures. I'm Irish and not attending a funeral of a family member will have you talked about for years, and it will be always mentioned at later gatherings. Funerals are more important than weddings.

curiousierandcouriser Sat 15-Feb-20 02:08:37

Another vote for the funeral.

Wedding parties go all night usually, don't they? Could you not pop over to the wedding for the evening part? What would you be wearing to the funeral - black suit? If that's the case, you wouldn't have to change necessarily...

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