To be hurt they haven’t said anything?

[VeeJayBee]

I had my first miscarriage on Thursday last week, it’s still going on. Thursday was one of the worst days of my life. My DH told his mother on Friday morning on the phone and I’ve seen her twice since then. Not once did she ask me if I’m ok or send me a little text to tell me she’s thinking of me or anything. We saw his brother and sister on Saturday too and mentioned it to them and neither his brother’s wife or his sister has contacted me either to see how I’m doing. His mother is usually very excitable and hyper and was her usual self when I saw her, no different. AIBU to feel hurt by their lack of compassion? My husband has no answer when I ask him why they’re like this and for context, they’re always putting out there how family is everything and we only need each other but i have mostly seen from them a lot of selfish behaviour over the years and feel they’re all very surface with each other, anything real is avoided. But surely her son and his wife losing their baby is cause for a little compassion?? Two days after my miscarriage started I was out buying her Christmas presents from her to my two year old! And she boasted she’s done no Christmas shopping because everyone’s done it for her (she’s retired, young, fit and healthy - goes to the gym every day). Help!

[FudgeBrownie2019]

YANBU to feel hurt. However, for so many people they just have no idea what to say or how to broach the subject of miscarriage, so they say nothing in the hopes of not hurting you more.

Sending love. Talk here all you like about what you're going through.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

YANBU to be hurt, but perhaps they don't know what to say? It's a very personal thing and perhaps they don't want to upset you?

Sorry for your loss.

[MatildaTheCat]

Firstly stop running around shopping and doing normal chores. Your body needs rest.

Some people are monumentally bad at not knowing what to say and thus saying nothing and seem to think that’s ok. It’s not. Others are just plain stupid and ignore anything that’s not jolly good fun.

YANBU but forget the selfish bastards and take very good care of yourself.

[CoffeeCoinnesseur]

Some people prefer to say nothing than say the wrong thing?

Perhaps as you were out Christmas shopping and carrying on as normal (I'm not saying that's right or wrong btw) they've just assumed you're ok and it's business as usual.

[Cohle]

I'm so sorry OP

I agree with PP that many women choose to keep miscarriage private and might think that comments from MIL would be overstepping or insensitive.

[ItsNovemberNotChristmas]

Sorry for your loss but I agree with others, they probably don't know what to say. Also it's an incredibly busy time for a lot of people and it's probably slipped their mind. I'm sure they are thinking of you though 💐

[Butchyrestingface]

Two days after my miscarriage started I was out buying her Christmas presents from her to my two year old! And she boasted she’s done no Christmas shopping because everyone’s done it for her (she’s retired, young, fit and healthy - goes to the gym every day).

I know it’s not the point of the thread but have I read that right - YOU are buying presents for your child on HER behalf??

Can’t speak for the BiL/SiL, but MiL certainly doesn’t seem the sort to be sitting there silently tying herself in knots over what to say to you in your time of sadness.

[Fcukthisshit]

I

[TokyoSushi]

YANBU but I agree, from experience, most people don't know what to say so don't say anything at all.

[Yesterdayallmyfish]

Yanbu. People are strange about miscarriages. I had a 2nd trimester one years ago. My own family showed no signs of concern and basically told me to get a grip and get on with things when I cried. Ignore them and spend time with your DH and DS.

[Beansandcoffee]

OP I’m sure it’s not done out of hate. They just don’t know what to say. You don’t know but MIL or SIL might have had a miscarriage in the past and just can’t bring themselves to think about it. We don’t know what has gone on in people’s lives or what is going on and sometimes we are not the priority and we shouldn’t always assume their behaviour is malicious.

Look after yourself. I’m not sure why you are buying presents on behalf of your MIL. Has your H lost his arms and legs so is unable to get to the shops? You are enabling him to be useless. Even my 17 year old son has gone out to the shops on his own to buy presents.

[VeeJayBee]

Thanks everyone. Had thought of the fact people didn’t want to say the wrong thing or hurt me more, I guess I’m just not like that and quite open about things and would rather make contact with someone than not. Plus I should have mentioned my MIL was a midwife then a health visitor in recent years so thought she’d have more confidence to say something. But she is quite weird and surprised me with lots of things over the years.

Thanks, I needed a different perspective and think maybe now I can understand more.

My husband was shopping with me, he did want to go out with my DD on his own and leave me to rest but I didn’t want to be on my own and wanted to do things together. I should have rested more though.

Thanks all x

[Tobebythesea]

I’m really sorry for your loss. I had 2 mc last year with radio silence from MIL. She admitted later that she just didn’t know what to say.

[Wheresthebiffer2]

i'm sure it's not lack of compassion, much more likely, they feel awkward and not sure what to say.

[VeeJayBee]

I’m also very sorry for all of you who have shared too you have had miscarriages. I never knew how this would feel. Your experience of others during your own sad time helps me to understand more. I desperately don’t want to be bitter towards them, I struggle to love them because of how they are generally, and really don’t want to be walking round with all this dislike for them. I understand more now why they might not have said anything. X

[SallyWD]

Seriously people have no idea what to say. Maybe it's a British thing. When I got cancer so many people pretended it wasn't happening and didn't mention it. I really needed to talk about it but they thought I'd be upset so talked about anything but that! So sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

[OneForMeToo]

Honestly I wouldn’t of mentioned anything if I knew someone was having a mc. I’d be gutted for you and even more so that you’d had to explain to people actually I’ve lost the baby. For me though it’s a personal thing I never told anyone I was pregnant before 12weeks minimum and as such I never told anyone about my mc’s unless it’s come up in conversation years later.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

You are so not being unreasonable.

People just don’t know what to say. I had 6 miscarriages before I completed my child bearing years (I now have 3 children and am beyond thankful for them). But honestly the guff I got along the way - “it’s for the best”, “it wasn’t meant to be” etc was no better than stony silence. And the worst (as the miscarriages happened once I already had DD1) “well at least you have her”. Honestly - pregnancy loss is horrid and woefully misunderstood (particularly if you are already a mother). You have my huge sympathies. Be gentle on yourself. Don’t waste your energy on your DH’s family’s support (or lack of). Some people are just not equipped to offer it.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

Each of my 6 miscarriages is scored on my heart. The fact I have 3 healthy children does not erase that. Time will heal your loss. But not eradicate it. So much goodwill to you.

[Babyg1995]

Yanbu but most people don't know what to say .

[Fcukthisshit]

Sorry posted too soon then got distracted. Just wanted to say sorry for your loss x

[EvonneGoolagong]

I’m sorry for your loss.

My mum died earlier this year and DH’s family barely mentioned it or recognised that I’d lost her, or that the kids had lost someone too.

I don’t really care if they didn’t want to say the wrong thing, their lack of reaction hurt me and still does. I will always think less of them because if it.

Fully grown adults should all be able to empathise with loss and it should be a natural reaction to say something.

[seven201]

My in-laws were exactly the same after my mc 2 years ago. We've recently started ivf and despite being asked occasionally to come babysit our toddler so I can go to ivf appointments, they just never mention the ivf itself. It's really odd. My dh finds it odd. They just don't know what to say though so we don't hold it against them.

[Beansandcoffee]

Seven201 - if my friends or sons were going through IVF I wouldn’t ask. They will let me know how it is going when they have some news. I feel the last thing they want is me asking questions as to how it is going. I can answer that myself - painful? Stressful? Disappointing etc etc. I’m not being rude but it really isn’t my business as it is too personal. Same as asking about a mc.

[seven201]

@Beansandcoffee I agree, I wasn't clear. It's when I or dh (even when it's just them) mentions anything to do with ivf they change the subject. I'm not expecting them to ask. It's not them being mean, just not knowing what to say I think.