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AMIBU to not want to spend time with my SIL?

(49 Posts)
KittenMama93 Tue 03-Dec-19 10:56:15

Sorry for the rant but my SIL is really getting to me. She has done a lot in the 4 years we have been family to annoy me but now I have had enough. When I met DH, his brother asked if we wanted to take nephew out on trips so that DH could spend time with him. SIL refused to let us take him anywhere she didn’t pick herself so we ultimately refused to take him anywhere. This upset my DH as he loves spending time with his nephew and eventually MIL stepped in and spoke to my BIL to explain to his wife that she couldn’t tell us where we could take him seeing as we were paying for everything. Months later she started letting us take him to places that we picked, like the zoo and aquarium, but would ring every half hour and make nephew upset with each call saying, “I miss you so much I’m crying”. We would stop answering her calls but then BIL and MIL would ring asking why we were ignoring SIL. We started taking him swimming (as SIL cannot swim), bought him new costumes, goggles, and equipment. His goggles would leave little rings around his eyes and each time I was getting him dressed, I would find bruises on his back (they have 5 large dogs so I never suspected anything wrong, just rough housing with the dogs). We would get a call after we dropped him off at home asking why he had rings on his eyes and why was there bruises that were not there before. We would point out that they were and the rings where from goggles, but she would insist the bruises were not there that morning. I got sick of being accused so stopped taking him, which they then kicked off at so MIL paid him to have private 1-2-1 lessons and they refused to take him. We recently announced that DH and I are expecting our first child and she has not spoken to me once since the announcement. She comes to MILs every Sunday for dinner and not once in the 6 weeks since the announcement has she spoken to me. For nephews birthday last week she sent fancy invitations to all the family except DH and I, telling us it’s a kids party and only family with children have been invited. However, her two brothers were invited and they don’t have children, but then BIL rang to ask why we hadn’t dropped off nephews bday present. I have asked to stop coming to family dinners because she is making it so awkward and uncomfortable and only DH is backing me up. MIL says that because SIL cannot have any more children, I should be more understanding and courteous to her situation but she actively refuses to talk to me and I have heard her tell MIL and BIL that I will be a bad mother; I am so sick of her.

ItsNovemberNotChristmas Tue 03-Dec-19 11:04:23

She sounds like a drama queen but he's her child, you don't have the right to take him wherever you want regardless of whether you're paying or not.

ItsNovemberNotChristmas Tue 03-Dec-19 11:05:35

It also reads like she's being forced into this, I'm not surprised she's not happy

Cordial11 Tue 03-Dec-19 11:11:11

Er what a nightmare!!!!

I have two SIL , one (Partners DS) is fab, have a right laugh etc.

But BIL wife (Partners brother wife) is VILE. She is one mean and manipulative cowbag.

Stay well away, she’s not worth it!

nibdedibble Tue 03-Dec-19 11:15:49

Why were you forcing her to let you take your nephew out? He's her child, she is in control. Whether you agree with her or not, whether you like it or not.

I mean she sounds desperately anxious and possibly quite horrible (not easy to tell from your post) but you have overstepped here.

BumpkinSpiceBatty Tue 03-Dec-19 11:17:19

He is her son, not an accessory to join you on days out hmm
She sounds like she has had enough of people forcing her to let her son go on lovely days out without her.
I would seriously revisit this once your own baby is here and consider how she is feeling in all of this.
Also I think MIL may need a hobby or something, she seens to spend a lot of time meddling.

WilheldivaHater Tue 03-Dec-19 11:18:23

It doesn't sound like SIL really wanted you both taking her DS out by yourselves and I think it was out of order for your MIL to be getting involved as it has nothing to do with her.

SIL shouldn't have said anything about your ability to parent your child, that was mean and uncalled for.

It seems like the situation has got out of hand and gone on far too long. Maybe it'd be best for you to take a step back, only go to in law events if you actually want to, there's no need for you and SIL to be friends so try to disengage from her and the drama.

gamerchick Tue 03-Dec-19 11:26:40

Eh, did I read the same post? BIL asked if they would take kid out hmm I would have given that whole thing a swerve tbh.

OP she sounds like she has mega issues and you're better off just staying away from her. Let your bloke deal with his family and concentrate on your pregnancy. It's just going to get worse when the baby comes and grandma gets pulled in different directions.

Cobblersandhogwash Tue 03-Dec-19 11:30:38

The bruises on the boy - what's that about?

The bil asked if the op and her dh would take out the boy.

Poor little lad.

Well, I would avoid all family occasions involving her from now on.

But I would definitely make sure my nephew knew I still cared about him and would send gifts and cards to him. It would be so nice for him to know.

WilheldivaHater Tue 03-Dec-19 11:33:04

*
The bil asked if the op and her dh would take out the boy.*

That doesn't mean the SIL was on board though.

nibdedibble Tue 03-Dec-19 11:33:07

The dad might have asked them to but his wife said no...so it's between them, the parents, and not up to the OP to get involved in.

Totally agree with advice to stay out of your dh's family issues until they've got them sorted.

OlaEliza Tue 03-Dec-19 11:34:24

I'd ignore her back just the same, all the while passive aggressively rubbing my pregnancy in her face, but I'm a bitch like that.

Preggosaurus9 Tue 03-Dec-19 11:36:01

Is there a cultural background OP? Because on the surface everyone's behaviour is batshit, including you and DH..

PlutoAjder Tue 03-Dec-19 11:36:07

Why are you trying so hard to push the relationship? It's not working, it's not strong, just step back.

Tbh the whole family sounds over involved... All this nonsense about you should get to say where you're taking the boy if you're paying, that's out of order, it's her son ffs. She knows him better, maybe he doesn't cope in large crowds or us a runner or melts down if near water.. doesn't matter, you don't get to dictate it.

The chain reaction about phones and Calling sounds exhausting..

Suggest the family takes a non dramatic breather for a bit until everyone calms down a bit.

Boltyarocket Tue 03-Dec-19 11:43:20

I had a SIL like that. She had given my mum her first grandchild but she changed as soon as the baby was born. She stressed my mum out so bad with her constant phone calls and demands that my mum took a nosebleed while watching my niece.

It was a control thing but then I had a baby. A baby my mum didn't need to jump through hoops to see, if he skinned his knee at the park, my mum wouldn't be screamed at down the phone. Or a child that wouldn't be stripped of clothes in the middle of the street while my mum stood there as my SIL checked for any marks. My SIL did not adapt well to me having kids and we are NC now.

Confusedbeetle Tue 03-Dec-19 11:46:09

Stay away

WhatchaMaCalllit Tue 03-Dec-19 12:00:34

She sounds deranged.
Your DH needs to set his mother straight.

If I understand it she is married to your DH's brother so a SIL through marriage, right. Not that it matters much but I don't understand how if you've married one brother/son and she has married the other brother/son, how your MiL can square off how she is treating one of her DiLs differently to the other.

I'd be concerned about the bruises on your nephew though.

Kanga83 Tue 03-Dec-19 12:04:13

I'd be concerned about the bruises, BUT, you and your DH yourselves and via your MIL have forced her hand, and that has made you unreasonable, not her. She is his mother, she has every right to have a say in where he goes. You are an aunt and uncle- extended family, you have no say. She sounds like she's been railroaded into this.

nibdedibble Tue 03-Dec-19 12:05:10

Does anyone with these deranged SILs worry about them?

Calling people often enough to make them unwell - that's surely a sign of something very wrong?

IMO the OP's SIL sounds like she could be in some sort of a coercive relationship (BIL making decisions, she is powerless to refuse, it comes out in excessive attempts to control) or at least married to a shit. Impossible to tell from one post but a couple of red flags there

Kanga83 Tue 03-Dec-19 12:09:03

@nibdedibble I agree. I think the SIL sounds like very much the passive/bullied in a very dominant family that she has married too.

Besidesthepoint Tue 03-Dec-19 12:09:45

It sounds to me like MIL and BIL force SIL to "give away" her child when she doesn't want to. Some of the rest is batshit though. You don't give a present when people are ignoring you.

Winterdaysarehere Tue 03-Dec-19 12:11:44

I was never more than barely civil to sil.
That's plenty imo!!
Certainly never saw her dc without her.
Stay away op.
Much easier life!!

ginghamstarfish Tue 03-Dec-19 12:13:16

Poor little boy, but sounds like it's best you and your DH don't take him out any more. Shame her behaviour means he will miss out on trips.

EKGEMS Tue 03-Dec-19 12:16:37

Both parents sound like entitled, selfish narcissists. Your MIL is a classic enabler and you should avoid the lot of them if it stresses you out. (Personally I'd have told them all to fuck off or drop dead)

CalmdownJanet Tue 03-Dec-19 12:17:17

They all sound batshit to be honest so not going won't be a bad thing. But set your stall out now, so when mil says you need to be nicer or more understanding "No Mary I don't, Lucy is a rude, horrible person, I have no time for her and I have no time for pretending I like her. Thankfully I am not related to her so her rudeness now washes over me and we'll need to agree to disagree on how you think I need to act", but I would just resolve yourselves to having little or no relationship with the brother, sil or nephew, it's no big deal, ignore when you see her too, just stop caring

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