AIBU to like Mumsnet (esp 'Relationships' and 'AIBU') ?

[Interestedwoman]

Please be gentle with me as I'm a sensitive flower :) Excuse the rambling post.

I made a thread about another issue with this bloke on the Women's Rights board.

He's one of my best friends, so I want to explain to him why I like something (he's a therapist, so thinks there's some deep reason why I like it.) The nearest I've come so far is by saying I like Mumsnet because I'm a naturally trusting and not particularly assertive person, and the boards help me potentially spot abusive men if I were to come across one, so it's a way of keeping myself safe.

Plus as a feminist I enjoy/value reading about women's experience.

I don't think it necessarily is that though, I think I also like to read about people's experiences- I find it emotionally engaging.

So, he gets annoyed when he asks what's happening in my online life (I have a disability, so spend a lot of time online) and I say what women have been experiencing that I've read about here.

He says 'they should rename that site the man-hating site' and 'you should go on a site about how men are lovely, too' and 'don't they ever write about nice stuff their partners have done?'

I suppose part of it has the same appeal as a 'misery memoir' of people experiencing and hopefully escaping abusive situations. As a feminist that's nice to see, too.

He says that as a therapist he rarely comes across a female client who's come for advice about her spouse's behaviour or how to leave (though I suppose in that position most women would choose a female therapist.)

So, what do we get out of Relationships board in particular as readers/commentators? And from AIBUs about partners? I know it doesn't matter and I don't have to justify myself, but I'm interested in my own possible motivation.

[ThreeLittleDots]

YANBU. He sounds like a twat.

[BelgianWhistles]

the boards help me potentially spot abusive men if I were to come across one

Your friend is one

[gwackywacky]

I absolutely love MN. I love reading peoples dilemmas and I love sharing my thoughts and reading others, although some people seem to think I'm a bit weird - in fairness that's quite representative of my everyday life

In all seriousness though, it's by and large a nice community where women of all ages and walks of life can come together and debate stuff, support one another or just shoot the shit and have a laugh.

I also like AIBU and Relationships, sometimes Style and Beauty.

[Inebriati]

I think you have a blind spot when it comes to your friend, and I'm horrified he's any kind of therapist.

[Anniegetyourgun]

YABU. Mumsnet is THE DEVIL. None of us have nice partners, sons who will still speak to us, or male friends. Unfortunately there are male persons in my workplace. I manage this by simply refusing to speak to any of them. They may or may not be grateful for this.

And what they said ^ about your friend. Therapist? The mind boggles...

[GettingABitDesperateNow]

Given there is a rape every 6 minutes in the UK and 1 in 10 women experience domestic violence at any one time (though these are the reported official figures eg through police, and when you take into account unreported and 'just' threatening, controlling, aggressive, or other abusive behaviour, it's going to be a lot lot higher), I would be asking your friend why he thinks he is seeing a disproportionately low number of women with issues with their partners. Could be women prefer a female therapist as this no doubt feels safer. Could be because their male partners wont let them see a male therapist. Or could be because if his 'nonsense! Men are 99pc lovely' attitude.

Also whenever you get a thread saying 'I'm ill due to lack of sleep as my husband wont help with the house/ newborn', there are always a load of replies, including from me, saying this is not right, my husband had a demanding job and still helped with night feeds and took over at weekends etc to make sure I got rest'. It shows that there are good men out there, and what a decent relationship should look like.
What does he think the reason is that so many women apparently hate men if men are generally so nice?

[Interestedwoman]

Hi troops. I think it was part of my frame of mind at the time that I didn't return to some of the threads I started.

I should've paid attention to your responses here.

I think he used his therapist 'skills,' whilst being a narc, to make me question doing something which was empowering me IDK, to question my own perspective on the world excessively, or being on a site which gradually led me to see the reality of what was going on.

'the boards help me potentially spot abusive men if I were to come across one' -Your friend is one

@BelgianWhistles Can you think what gave you that impression at the time of this thread? (I mean, you were right obviously.)

[Groupsofwomenormenscareme]

He says 'they should rename that site the man-hating site' and 'you should go on a site about how men are lovely, too' and 'don't they ever write about nice stuff their partners have done?'

I'm afraid I slightly agree with this (even though some do write the good stuff and I can't help but sigh in relief when some women don't go straight into the bashing but dissect situations reasonably) but the level of whinging and bashing done here about men is unbelievable. It's like a currency to fit in at this point.

So, what do we get out of Relationships board in particular as readers/commentators? And from AIBUs about partners?

Can't escape the moan on aibu but I hid the relationship topic. Couldn't stand the incessant men-bashing. I get nothing out of it except wonder why so many still want to be in relationships or stay in one. I know, I know...it's not easy blah blah blah, stuck blah blah blah, this excuse blah blah, that excuse blah blah. I can't torment myself, not on a topic on mumsnet, not in real life with someone I claim to detest or find annoying, etc.

[Groupsofwomenormenscareme]

Oh ffs! Thought this was a recent thread because either was on active, didn't look at the date.

[Groupsofwomenormenscareme]

And I also clicked because I thought this was a thread about liking Mumsnet and specific topics, which I do. Not relationship but aibu, yes.

[Interestedwoman]

Oh ffs! Thought this was a recent thread because either was on active, didn't look at the date

@Groupsofwomenormenscareme I had just realized it was weird that I didn't reply. It's a shame I didn't because maybe with a bit more discussion I would've got wise to what was going on faster.

And I was interestd in @BelgianWhistles ' opinion.

[Merryoldgoat]

So I’m guessing he showed you is true colours after confusing and gaslighting you?

[Interestedwoman]

@Merryoldgoat One of the sleaziest guys I have ever known!

This is the main thread in January, where people helped me see what he was like www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800172-Is-it-ok-for-a-lover-to-ask-repeatedly-for-sex-acts-he-knows-you-dont-want

So, the stuff he was saying in the OP- I should've seen that as a warning sign in some way?

I think maybe the comments he made are linked to his views on feminism (whataboutery, violence happens to men too) and his rape apologism/victim blaming.

Is it that he was dismissing women's experience and saying he knew better?