AIBU to think Mil is a very shallow women?(65 Posts)
My Mil is upset her daughter is dating a man who has 2 children from a previous marriage. She is always bringing it up. Saying things like "he is nice but there is no chance it can work out long term because he has children". And gleefully saying "she isn't mentioning him much so hopefully it will be over for them soon".
I know it's none of my business but AIBU to think my Mil is very shallow. She also hated another one of her daughters boyfriends because he was in her words "just a taxi driver".
Would it bother you if your son or daughter was dating someone with children?
I went out with a bloke who had/has two children. We married and had another child together and have been together twenty-four years. I'm very found of my stepson and stepdaughter.
I'd just want my child to be happy. I'd hope and pray that if they married someone with children that they would be able to have an amicable relationship with the ex and a balanced relationship with the children. As far as personally, I'd be over the moon! My DS1 has decided he doesn't want children so if DS2 married someone with DC I'd be just be happy to be an instant grandparent, no matter how those DGC came into my life! And I can't see that I'd feel any differently if he later had DC 'of his own'. They'd all be equally precious.
Your MiL can think what she likes. But she needs to learn to keep her pie hole shut. She has more to lose than she realizes. If her DD marries this man she just might lose her DD if she realizes how her mother feels!
I wouldn’t want my DD to get seriously involved with a man with children while she was a young woman with no children of her own, no. I’ve read too many horror stories on the Step-parenting board and heard too many bad experiences from friends.
And yes there are a lot of structural differences between the male and female experiences. The nice young men I know who’ve married single mothers have both had a relatively smooth ride (tiny sample, obvs).
Though I would prefer a daughter of mine not to be involved with someone who had children, it would be preferable to him being a taxi driver :-).
All these people not wanting a relationship with someone who has children. It is a wonder that divorcees or those that have lost a partner ever have a 2nd relationship if they already have children.
For me personally I would like my son or daughter to have a relationship with someone who doesn't have kids because I would like them to enjoy each other first, maybe travel, go out lots etc, before their lives become complicated by having children.
But if my son or daughter were older and had already done alot in their lives, then it wouldn't bother me too much because it's highly likely that their new partner already has children.
Just to add, my sister married a man who had 2 kids. The kids lived with them full time.
My parents never accepted the kids. They were perfectly pleasant with them, but they didn't feel anything for them. Didn't even buy them Xmas or birthday presents. They've been seperated for 8 years now so we've not ever seen those children again and my parents never mention them.
I have always felt sorry for those kids
All I hope for at any rate is that I’ve taught my children enough to make good decisions for themselves.
I have had a boyfriend with children, he was a super dad. Very responsible, took them out and invested in them emotionally, financially, and with his time and energy. Their mum was still a SAHM because he gave her enough money to do so. He was wealthy enough for money not to be an issue. There was never any question of me taking responsibility for those children. Never. Although that also meant that sadly I really didn’t bond with them, although maybe would have after more years down the line. In that circumstance, it wouldn’t bother me at all if I had a daughter dating a man with children.
I have another ex with a child. Mum not around really. He was useless and never had much money, gave her very little time or energy. I ended up taking on a parenting role of sorts, which looking back was really unacceptable on many levels. I have no regrets though. That child wouldn’t have been able to do half the things she did if I hadn’t paid/facilitated them. We still have a great relationship today though. The bond we have has not been altered by time, me marrying my DH, her dad bringing various new women around. Her dad is still a total cunt, but she’s old enough now to look after herself. If I saw my daughter in that situation I don’t think I’d be able to hold my tongue. Women shouldn’t be dragged into step mother roles so that the dad can doss about.
Each situation is different. Without tonnes of detail we can’t know if your MIL is being fair or not.
My main concern would be that my child was happy the relationship but I would be more concerned if the partner had children just because it adds complications. Children can be the greatest strain on a relationship even if both partners are the parents. So I would want y DC to know what they are getting into and to understand that the children must always come first.
I hope none of my children end up raising someone else's children. They would not be my grandchildren. Im not shallow.
I want my DC to be happy and will support them whatever they do
But if I am honest I would prefer them not to end up with a partner who already had kids just because it adds complications
I always knew I was to selfish to bring up someone else 's kids
I know my dad wishes my partner didn't have a kid, though he would never say it. I do find the whole situation a bit awkward tbh because people aren't sure whether to mention it to me because they're not sure if it's a positive part of my life. That's very telling of the fact that a lot of the time, it's not.
This thread has been quite refreshing to read in all honesty, because it's usually the step parent being vilified for not being thrilled about the situation but the reality is having kids does make you a less attractive partner with a whole host of complications and you ought to be mindful of that when approaching a new partner, rather than just considering them blessed to have the chance to deal with any of the crap that comes along with you bringing kids and an ever present ex to the table. It's a huge sacrifice for most people, not a privilege. People can be very arrogant about their treatment of anyone that has the slightest bit of reservation around their kids.
I think the MIL does sound an unpleasant person to be so open about hoping they break up, but her concern is very reasonable.
She talks alot behind people's back. She is very judgemental and quite shallow
Aren’t you doing exactly that right now with this post?!
@Durgasarrow There isn't always "already two parents" as in my case. I'm a totally single parent doing it totally alone. If I met someone they would NEVER be third wheel, how dare you?!
@Whyisshe . .. That's right, in your case, your future spouse would not be the third wheel. The child could conceivably look upon your new husband, if that's what you would have, as a new father. But if your child already had a father, then the stepfather, or, less convincingly, mother's boyfriend aka dp, would not have the same authority in the child's eyes. This boyfriend would always be in the awkward position of having responsibility without authority. Of being blamed for all the bad things and not appreciated for any of the good things. Of not being REAL and not having any official role. Of having no permanent standing in the child's life. That's what makes a DP or even a stepfather a third wheel. Unless they officially adopt the child as their own.
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