To be annoyed about this wedding (and what would you do)

[MonaLisaDoesntSmile]

I have recently been invited to a wedding of a colleague last week. It was a very last-minute affair- I think they had the date and invited a number of people, but last minute planned a bigger event.
The invite did say we were only invited for the evening part of the wedding, and the time.
The timeline they said would bea ceremony at the hotel, the the invited guests having dinner, and then after the dinner evening-only (so me and other colleagues) would arrive and they then wanted to do cake cutting with all the guests at X hour. Which is all fine up until now.

The hotel is in some godforsaken part of the country, and we spent considerable amount of time and money to get there (it is actually close to noone, not his nor her family nor friends), pay for somewhere to stay etc. A couple of people from the office were going, some of us sigt a +1, some on their own, so we all clubbed in together for transport and a flat for the night to bring expenses down. But still fine- we were looking forward towards a nice evening.

When we arrived, it turned out the schedule must have changed, the cake had been cut, and that everyone was still having their main meal- so a group of some 20-25 of us, including some other guests who we did not know and who were also evening-only, were ushered into a corner of the dining room, watching everyone eat for the next 30 minutes.

Eventually the bar was opened, we got some drinks. The groom, our colleague, passed by to say hi and tell us it was an open bar, so all drinks free etc. however, there seemed to be no food or whatsoever for the evening only guests. Nothing at all. No buffet, finger food, not even crisps (the bar also had no food- just alcohol). That's the last time we have really seen him.

We all have been to weddigns before, and usually some sort of food was provided. We only had a quick meal after leaving work, so we were a bit hungry, but by 10 there was still nothing to eat, and at 11 I just left with my plus 1, as we were tired after 3 hours in a car and we were both fed up and tired and hungry and drinking on empty stomach was just not the thing I wanted to do all night. I know wedding is not all about food, but it just felt bizarre like the whole big group of us was a gigantic fifth wheel.

And here is a question- the couple asked for a) expensive gift from the list (not happening!!!) or b) money into an account that would go towards their deposit. They sent the invite late, so we have not sorted it out before the wedding.
Quite frankly, I'm not sure how much people would pay as a gift usually, but also under circumstances of spending a lot of money to get somewhere only to be able to drink two bears and a glass of wine? How much would people think it's OK?
Maybe I'm being unnecessarily upset, I would not mind being generous if we actually had a good time, but we didn't. Don't want to look like a cheapskate either.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

I wouldn’t do either option- give them a bottle of wine and a card when they return to the office. You weren’t a full guest of the wedding, they don’t get a full present

[arethereanyleftatall]

Wwid?i would have enjoyed myself enormously with my friends, free bar way- hey, I would have had food beforehand and not expected food, and if they'd provided it I would have enjoyed double dinner, and I would have popped £100 in an envelope with a nice card.

[Myyearmytime]

I would have a cake made and have a little tea party when they return to office that is it and (make sure they dont get any)

[LongTermHold]

Calm down and then decide. I agree that an expensive gift is totally not necessary here - you made the effort to go.

Don’t take the crap wedding experience out on him though. Sometimes it just goes like that.

[mindutopia]

For an evening invite to a local venue (a quick drive from home), I would give £20. But an evening invite where you had to travel 3 hours and pay for accommodation, I would give a nice card.

[Ellisandra]

Nobody sees the bride or groom for more than 5 minutes at a wedding! Not even their mum - sometimes not even their brand new spouse!

He was polite enough to make a point of coming to see you. It’s not like you’re on your own - you have colleagues there.

• the distance: forget it, it became irrelevant as soon as you decide to accept. No-one forced you.
  

• arriving during the meal: forget it. Maybe the venue cocked up, maybe the couple did. They’re not experienced wedding planners after all. No-one made you watch deliberately!
  

• the lack of evening buffet; I think that’s unusual. But what isn’t unusual is there not being enough food, or it being pretty shit (lukewarm vol au vents!). It’s not usually intended to be any more than a snack. So let it go. At my friend’s wedding they had totally underestimated the food. They were generous - they just made a mistake. They were mortified. So you really think a couple putting on a free bar let you go hungry because they were cheap, or twats?
  

I’d have googled for local food options, nipped out to fill up, enjoyed the generosity of the free bar, and wished them a great marriage!

It does sound like you started off with the arse due to the distance and being an evening guest. But I think you lose the right to complain about that as soon as you accept.

[Kisskiss]

WHAt are your other colleagues doing? Maybe club together as a group and give one gift.. for an evening Invite I would do 20 per person.. so 40 Asyou had a plus one, w a card.. it was a free bar though, so depending on how you feel maybe 50 for you two would be reasonable?

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Just send a card.

[MonaLisaDoesntSmile]

@Ellisandra - I must say I totally did not expect him to spend more time with us at all! I think though as a group, we had no clue what was going on, we got ushered in some dark corner for 30 minutes and I think it just set a tone of the evening for us. There was nowhere to go or nothing to do, except stand and watch- they closed the door to the dining room after we entered, and there nowhere to go in the hotel anyway and nothing else to do- what would you suggest we sould have done instead? We did not stare the guests down, chatted away and stuff, but it was awkward.

Also, because a hotel was so far away, there was nowhere else to go to eay, except for a kebab shop at the train station closing at midnight (20 minute cab drive from the venue, so we made it just in time for some last cold scraps of disgusting meat and fried chicken). Everything else was shut down long before.

The open bar was in the plans for everyone regardless, not a last minute thing.

The distance honestly did not matter at the beginning, but just added to the 'what was the point' after we came back home.

Will see with other people if they already sent some money over, if not, maybe we can chip in for something.

I am not upset at the guy, but had I known, I woould just said I could not come and got him a nice card and a small gift instead.

[PuppyMonkey]

“£100 in an envelope.”

[Expressedways]

You decided to go knowing full well it was an evening only invite at short notice in an inconvenient location. No one made you accept the invite.
The groom came to say hi and you knew your other colleagues, sounds fine to me.
Clearly there was a cock up with the catering, I’m sure no one deliberately told the evening guests to arrive before the meal was finished. Yes it’s annoying and must have felt awkward but things don’t always go to plan.
Unusual that they didn’t provide evening food. I guess the day guests wouldn’t be hungry if the meal was only scheduled to finish when the evening guests arrived (and it ran late). It’s a bit thoughtless but probably an oversight given the last minute invite rather than them being cheap, especially as they were generous enough to provide an open bar. I wouldn’t get too upset over the lack of a soggy sausage roll.

I’d just give them a card and a bottle of wine or fizz. Or club together with other colleagues to put £20-ish each towards a gift from his list. Let the rest of it go, it may have been far from perfect but he was generous enough to invite you and buy you booze all night.

[Itsnotme123]

It was all very last minute. Was it cheeky to invite you to just the bar and expect an expensive gift from you ?? Hmmmm. I’d just give them a card and a bottle of fizz.

[Cryalot2]

Sorry you had a not so nice time. Weddings can be a nightmare.
A free bar would not have been much good to me or any of us as we are all TT.
Just put it down to experience. Do nothing in haste.
We went to big wedding last year and spent £££ on gift from us all. Dd was involved,,but mother of bride thought as she not family not to have her name on order of service despite the obvious. We were put at the table furthest away near the loos .
I seen so much then I now avoid weddings.
Be kind to yourself, it can bring the worst out in those organising such.

[LagunaBubbles]

would have had food beforehand and not expected food

I have never been to a wedding when there wasn't food of some description e. g. buffet, rolls etc served at night. And Ive been to a lot of weddings through the years.

[miaCara]

Basically what Ellisandra said

I always try to have some sort of snacky food with me if going into the unknown (foodwise)- a packet of mixed nuts or cheesy oatcakes provide good stomach fillers that dont need refrigeration . I think Ive managed to stave off alcohol poisoning a couple of times with this practice.
Obviously i would rather a nice fresh pizza or curry etc but I have been to enough undercatered weddings to make surer I take care of me first.

[IHateUncleJamie]

and I would have popped £100 in an envelope with a nice card.

Course you would.

OP Personally I wouldn’t have spent £££ trekking miles and miles for an evening do so it’s nice that you went. YWNBU for thinking there would be a buffet! We went to a colleague’s evening do once and there was no food but at least it was local. 😳

A nice card is plenty with a bottle of fizz from your group if you want. It’s not reasonable to ask evening guests for a gift or money, especially when it’s cost them a lot in travel & accommodation.

[OwlinaTree]

No food!! You should tell guests coming a long way if they are not getting food. They all could have popped to a pub or something instead of waiting in the corner of the room.

Friend of mine drive to Scotland from the Midlands straight from work on a Friday to an evening wedding do and there was no food, not even a free bar!!

[Surfingtheweb]

I think a card Is fine

[BlueCornishPixie]

I don't think you need to give an expensive gift, it's a colleagues wedding and you were an evening guest. Regardless of how much you enjoyed yourself a bottle or maybe 20 would be normal. Or a gift from all of you together.

I think while it's unusual to not have any evening food, I wouldn't expect to be fed as an evening guest. Every wedding I've been to the evening buffet has been more of a snack to absorb the alcohol rather than something filling. I wouldn't go having not eaten.

You didn't have to go. The provided you with free drinks, I think you are expecting too much of a colleagues evening invitation.

[Crunchymum]

Hold up.... so you and your colleagues (how many???) did an airbnb for an evening only invite?

Sorry but you are all mugs.

[Ihatemyseleffordoingthis]

"pop £100 in an envelope". As if.

Yanbu to think it's inconsiderate hosting on their part but it's very hard to do an "evening do" that has any kind of sense of occasion. A minimum would be food and the cake cutting/first dance etc.

A nice card and a cash gift (tenner each) or case of booze between you.

[JaniceBattersby]

Who ‘pops’ £100 in an envelope?

If I’m putting that kind of cash in an envelope for a gift I’m doing it through massively gritted teeth and under duress. There’s no ‘popping.’

Not that I have ever actually given anyone £100. Not even my siblings or best friends. There’s no way my colleagues would be getting that kind of cash.

[julensaor]

if you are an evening guest, you DO NOT give a present. Where I am from if you are invited to a full wedding there is a standard kind of cash gift; enough to cover your meal at least, but a general rule anyway. If you are a group of colleagues, you might each throw a tenner into a pot and give them a cheque. To send out evening invites with a gift list is just about as ignorant as you can get. So you aren't made into a complete muppet, you weren't even given chips in a basket, you give precisely nothing.

[Drum2018]

You we all mad to travel so far for an evening out. It was bad form for the couple not to provide food for the evening guests. I'd shove their gift list where the sun doesn't shine and as for putting money into an account - there really are no words for some people's cheek. A card and a bottle of fizz (no more than £20) is plenty to give them.

[FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones]

I think evening only invites are fine for work colleagues but only for local weddings. Asking people to travel and stay overnight for a few drinks is crazy. There is usually food in the evening. Even people who have had a meal get hungry and there should be something for evening guests. It's also incredibly rude to include a gift list for evening only guests. I wouldn't give anything.