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By going back to work, my children “won’t know who I am” - so says my mum!

(89 Posts)
PregnantSea Mon 22-Apr-19 04:41:42

The best advice I can give is to just ignore her. She's totally wrong and it's really rude and judgemental for her to speak to you like this, but in my experience people who think this way never change their minds. So if you just ignore it at least there's a chance she may get bored of saying it.

Sobeyondthehills Mon 22-Apr-19 04:23:12

My DM was a stay at home for my elder sisters and went back at work when I was 5 months.

I don;t have a close relationship with any of my family, I don't put this down to her working, just more the way I am, I can't place that to my upbringing (which was amazing) or just that I am different and she is very close to my eldest DSis, not so much to my other DSis

PerfectPeony2 Mon 22-Apr-19 04:16:21

Great post from NancyDrawn. It’s nice to hear it works for different families. Do what’s best for you.

Personally (and I do mean this is only my opinion) I would be absolutely devastated to put my baby in daycare full time. I think it’s too much and the ideal situation is to have one parent working part time. Id hate the idea of doing bedtime and only seeing them on weekends. I would feel like I’m missing out on their childhood. I’m worrying a lot about my daughter doing 8-5 three days a week and I would have liked to stay home another year or so.

SamStephens Mon 22-Apr-19 04:10:41

Lol Jesus Christ. Both my kids were in daycare by 4months old and I’d love if they somehow didn’t know to chase me around the house with endless “Mummy! Mummy!” cries.

I’m due with #3 in October and I’ll be taking a max of two weeks off (all going well) and my husband is taking a year of LWOP to stay home so we can see how it works. I’m sure we’ll all survive just fine!

Snipples Mon 22-Apr-19 04:08:21

Ugh OP do what works best for you and your DH.

My DD will be one in June. Me and My DH both work full time and I took 7months Mat Leave. Our DD knows who we are. When it's the weekend or bank hols or our time off we make the most of doing special things with her and spending quality time together. We also start work early and aim to get home for bath and bed every night when we can (both lawyers so not always possible but we do try).

My mother did not work or have a career. She thinks our approach is bang on. My MIL also did not work. She thinks I am not doing the right thing. Note that her judgment is reserved for me, not DH because he is a man and in her eyes it's my job to be at home. All of DHs sisters are at home - they're all skint, stressed, have no careers and the kids are super clingy and whingey all the time. Also one had a shitty DH and ended up as a single parent on benefits after she gave up her job to stay home.

I will be teaching my DD to have her own career and maintain independence so she has more choices in life. A good friend of mine with twins the same age as my DD has just found her DH is having an affair and told me she's so glad she went back to work and is able to kick him out! Had she been a SAHM it would be harder as she would be dependent on him. That's just my view on it OP. Obviously different things work for others. Just wait and see how you feel when the time comes.

Birdie6 Mon 22-Apr-19 04:02:56

I'm your mother's age . I went back to work when each of mine was 9 months old, and they were in child care from then on. They are both adults now, and we're extremely close and always have been. They've both told me that I was a great role model for them , showing them a good work ethic and work/ life balance.

Of course your kid / kids will know who you are ! My mother used to say the same tired old phrases to me when my kids were young, but to be honest, mine had a much better relationship with me than I ever did with her, since she was a reluctant mother / housewife .

You do what suits you - you've done so well to get qualified ! Don't let your mother throw cold water on your plans - you'll do great .

Holywaterrr Mon 22-Apr-19 04:01:48

Yes @CoolCatKat, I said that if anyone is going to go part time it will be DH as I will be out-earning him almost 2:1!

Thank you Nancy, that sounds like a wonderful childhood.

I would never ever expect childcare off my mum. She’s made it very clear that her time is done and that is absolutely fine.

RebootYourEngine Mon 22-Apr-19 04:01:08

Absolutely ridiculous. My mum was a stay at home mum and we don't have a great relationship so they don't go hand in hand.

@CoolCatKat it says in the OP that her dh would go part time.

CoolCatKat Mon 22-Apr-19 03:56:00

Can your husband not go part time?

CoolCatKat Mon 22-Apr-19 03:54:48

I know its a dated idea but used to think its a bit much putting babies in a nursery from, say, 7.30am to 6.30pm. That's just me though and i wouldnt condemn those who do.

Nancydrawn Mon 22-Apr-19 03:54:09

I will tell you what I always tell everyone on these threads: I was in daycare full time from 9 months; my sister from earlier.

We both knew exactly who our mother was and exactly who our father was.

I am enormously close with both my parents to this day. I call them 4-5 times a week and see them whenever I can, even when I'm living thousands of miles away.

I also rarely get ill, am fantastic meeting new people, and adjust to new situations quickly; this may or may not have anything to with daycare, but it certainly didn't hurt.

I had a fantastic role model of a mom. There are many benefits of being a SAHP and I respect them enormously. That said, I learned a lot from her about being the kind of woman I want to be: self-reliant, successful, kind, loving, ambitious (in a good way), community-oriented, curious, and courageous. I never for a moment wished she had stayed home with me. Honestly didn't occur to me until I started reading threads like this.

Finally, I loved daycare. Several of the people I met there are still amongst my dearest friends. It took a village, and everyone in that village feels at least a little bit like family.

Tell your mother not to be ridiculous.

Aimily Mon 22-Apr-19 03:42:14

I think you should do what's best for you, dp and your imaginary child when you choose to have it. If that's both full time, one part or one not working at all. It's not upto anyone else!
I'm not sure why she wants to move closer to then say she won't be helping with childcare. I know you can't expect the help, but planning on moving closer suggests she wants to be around for the baby and to help when/if needed (to me)

Holywaterrr Mon 22-Apr-19 03:38:04

I missed out a sentence:

She also maintained I would be going back part time. To be honest, (once we’ve had this imaginary child), if anyone is going to go part time it will be DH as I will be out-earning him almost 2:1. Also I quite fancy hitting the promotion trail, which doesn’t take too kindly to part timers. I told her this. This apparently is just shocking.

Holywaterrr Mon 22-Apr-19 03:36:10

Obviously it’s been a late Easter Sunday night with a few drinks. But still..

My DH and I have tried to explain to my mum how it is that she was able to buy her own small house on one salary in the 70s, but how these days it’s mostly takes two salaries to buy a house.

She also knows how I’ve been striving for about eight years now to get qualified at the top of my field (doctor).

So the conversation goes, that I will take 9 months’ leave (for this imaginary baby!) and DH will take 3 months. Then we will both go back to work.

Mum was disgusted!! She took five years off with me and will not hear of anyone doing any less! “How could you do that to a child,” she said, when I said I was going to go back to work, “they won’t know who you are!”

She also maintained I would be going back part time. To be honest, (once we’ve had this imaginary child), if anyone is going to go part time it will be DH as I will be out-earning him almost 2:1. This apparently is just shocking.

She also said she wanted to move 70 miles to be in a small flat near us but that she would NOT be doing any childcare. Fine by us as we have planned our (future) budget to include £1k/mo childcare; I just though it curious that you would love so close yet still be so far.

Ah well!

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