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Help me reply to 'D'H

(41 Posts)
tiredmum11 Mon 08-Apr-19 09:25:44

We have a 7 month old that doesn't sleep at night. It's been an issue from the start.

I'm breastfeeding and I usually deal with ds on a night and that's fine. He's my last baby (have 2 older dcs) and I actually sometimes enjoy the night feeds and the cuddles. We have a very close bond.

However he's teething and last night he was just so unsettled. I'd already been up with him a good couple of hours. It got to 3.30 am and ds started crying. Dh told me to just put him back in his cot.

My reply to that was something along the lines of 'well maybe you could try settle him?'

Dh then snapped back 'what is it you want me to do? What am I supposed to do?'

So then my reply was 'maybe just give me a break and help me once in a while'

Dh just rolled over and went to sleep. I sat sobbing for a good half an hour.

Ds started crying again and dh again told me to put him in his cot. I said no.

Dh then took him off me and tried to get him to sleep but didn't work so I took him back and he went to sleep for the rest of the night. I said to dh that i needed to ask him for help and what's so wrong with that. Dh said he doesn't know why I ask as ds would never settle with him anyway - ds has separation anxiety with me which can make things tricky. He doesn't like anyone to hold him but me.

This morning dh didn't speak to me. Clearly still pissed off that I've asked him for help. He went off to work and I sent him a text asking why he is so mad at me for asking him for help.

He replied but about something totally different.

I'm so tired this morning and can't even think straight. I've still had to get up and do the school run etc etc. I can't just have a lie in.

So when dh comes in tonight I need to have it clear what I want to say to him which is he's a massive prick and I'd rather him just not come home.

Eatmycheese Mon 08-Apr-19 09:30:34

Invent an appointment or emergency that involves you staying away overnight where you can’t take any of the children.
Throw him to the fucking wolves of sleep deprivation and the school run and two other children. (I have the same so know exactly how you feel)

That should trick the empathy mothership.

He needs to appreciate you a bit more and understand that even a full time job doesn’t mean he gets off Scot free every night.
My husband regularly gets in up in the night to help and does school runs when he can if I’m having g a bad night with our youngest which is a lot

You are a family

Or just show him this thread tonight and perhaps lots of people writing things like this might be helpful

Hope your day gets better

tiredmum11 Mon 08-Apr-19 09:33:17

@Eatmycheese I'm so bloody emotional and tired today that reading that made me cry. Need to try get a grip

billybagpuss Mon 08-Apr-19 09:34:56

There are 2 sides to this,
a) he is, as you say, a massive prick and you absolutely need to be able to ask him for help.
B) he does have a point which is at the moment if ds won’t settle with him and only with you, actually him even trying to help is going to exacerbate the situation with everyone wide awake and fractious

What you need is a conversation about needing support which is not forthcoming at the moment and maybe start with him improving his bond with ds so that you could perhaps have a nap during the day with a view to eventually having some overnight support.

In the meantime he just needs to stop being a prat

💐 hope it gets easier for you soon

nutbrownhare15 Mon 08-Apr-19 09:37:03

If I'm having a tricky night I'll give it 2 hours then wake my DH and he'll get up and put baby in the sling to get her back to sleep. No complaints. I'm sorry yours is so unsupportive, mine was a little like that initially before we found the sling. When he says 'what do you expect me to do', he can do that. Mine does it often, day and night,to give me a break.

SoyDora Mon 08-Apr-19 09:38:46

Absolutely he needs to step up and help. However... is handing him a screaming baby who you are both aware won’t settle for anyone but you in that moment the best way for him to help you? Realistically you’d have ended up taking over anyway when he wouldn’t settle.
You need to talk calmly together about ways in which he can help/support you going forward.

Knickersononeshead Mon 08-Apr-19 09:39:16

If DS absolutely won't settle for anyone but yourself how would your DH be able to help? I understand how you're feeling, I really do. It's shit and hard when you have a child who refuses anyone but you but maybe have a sit down with DH and explain other ways he could help.

He's an arse for not showing you any empathy though.

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 08-Apr-19 09:45:31

Sorry but he should have taken him and left the room, my dh would have done. Sometimes you just need a break and he was utterly selfish. My dh took my dd out in the pram or car at stupid o'clock a couple of times just to give me a rest because we are both her parents and it's not a one man job. He's been a dick and he must see that.

Smilingthru Mon 08-Apr-19 09:52:22

Its not about settling DS, it’s the fact that you need a break. 8month DD over here and will only settle for me. Sometimes I wake DH just so I can leave the room for 5mins and recompose myself. A break doesn’t necessarily mean sleep. It can mean a breather before you completely go insane!

I know DD will never settle for my DH over night and I’m ok with that but likewise, occasionally I need 5mins, to sit in the bathroom, scream into a pillow before starting again! Maybe it’s the same for you and you need to explain that to your DH?? X

tiredmum11 Mon 08-Apr-19 09:53:00

@Knickersononeshead I said to dh he could of taken ds and he would of taken his dummy. With me, he only wants my boobs. Dh can get him to take the dummy. That was my issue. Should of said, sorry - tiredness taking over

tiredmum11 Mon 08-Apr-19 09:53:46

In all honesty, it wasn't that he wouldn't take him. It was that I asked for help and he bit my head off. No need for it

BeesKnees9 Mon 08-Apr-19 09:58:27

We are in the exact same situation, 7 month old DS who is teething and sleep has gone to absolute shit. It is SO hard to have a rational conversation about it whilst sleep deprived.

You say you want your DH to help, but also baby has separation anxiety and only settles/will be held by you to help calm him down. Is that correct?

What do you realistically want your DH to do in the night to help you?

For me, I want my partner to come in and ask if there is anything he can do to help/ get me if he hears the baby screaming relentlessly and not stopping. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes the answer is no I’m ok. It might be that I want him to hold the baby whilst I make a bottle, make a drink for myself, go to the toilet or just take 10 minutes to sit down and try to re-group before carrying on trying to settle baby. It might be that I want him to feed the baby whilst I try get the stupid syringe in the calpol bottle in the dark without it going everywhere. I am at my most angry when he does nothing but I KNOW he is awake and not offering to help.

BeesKnees9 Mon 08-Apr-19 10:00:45

@smilingthru nailing what I wanted to say much more concisely!

ChicCroissant Mon 08-Apr-19 10:02:59

Your DH did take him, he just didn't settle and you say yourself that he won't settle at the moment for anyone but you. I can see that is frustrating and a lack of sleep can really wear you down.

I don't think he was mad at you for asking for help tbh. You've assumed that because he snapped at you. He may be frustrated too that he can't soothe the baby (what was he like with the elder 2). DH may have more luck taking the baby to another room to settle, away from you.

I see that you also mention this is your last baby, so I am wondering if you are a bit tense because you know this is the last time you'll be doing the feeding/night/ all the baby bits. Apart from the obvious lack of sleep, are you doing OK yourself?

Teething is tough, what have you used with your previous children in this stage - teething powders or anything?

Newyearsameoldshit Mon 08-Apr-19 10:03:12

Sleep deprivation is awful, you have my sympathies.

I think you and H need to talk together in the day time, when you are both less frazzled and come up with a plan where he can help and you can get a break, or how to work towards that if baby is hard to settle for anyone but you.

Many an angry word has been thrown around our house in the wee small hours with a sleepless baby and it doesn't do anyone any good.

Lorddenning1 Mon 08-Apr-19 10:08:56

to me its sounds like pretty standard new baby/teething issues. the joys of no sleep ey. if the baby wont settle with anyone else other than you, then i agree with your partner that it should of been u that got up. no point both of you being awake and being sleep deprived the next day.
does he work and are you on maternity?
what is he like the rest if the time, does he change, bath feed baby etc?

Gatehouse77 Mon 08-Apr-19 10:09:17

I found saying to DH that when I was asking for help it was so he could be the parent I can't be in that moment - not to add to the situation but diffuse it. If you phrased it more like needing to be a tag team rather than taking over would he be more receptive?

SkintAsASkintThing Mon 08-Apr-19 10:12:10

Ell he's been a dick but it does sound like you've been happy to take on the role as main carer as this is your last baby and it's bitten you soundly on the arse...........that must be frustrating for your OH too. And the baby.

You need to build up to him taking the reins gradually, 3 am isn't the time to do it. Pick a time in the day when you're going to walk around the block or something and leave baby with his dad then build from there.

SweetPetrichor Mon 08-Apr-19 10:14:54

If the baby won't settle with anyone else, then there's no point in you both being sleep deprived. And you DH has to go to work, while I assume by the tone you don't. If you're off, and the other kids are school age, surely you can catch up on some of that precious sleep throughout the day. Sure, it's not as good as a solid nights sleep, but you have that luxury while your partner doesn't.

ShawshanksRedemption Mon 08-Apr-19 10:17:56

I find with some people you have to be direct about what it is you want. So I'd say "DH I need you to take DS downstairs for 10mins just so I can have a break."

When I explained to my DH that he needed to step in as baby was just after comfort from my boobs, rather than feeding, he did get it and knew it was something he could provide. Your DH needs to learn how to comfort his DS, holding, rocking, softly singing, using the dummy.

I would also ask, how is he bonding with DS? If DS always wants you, does your DH feel like a bit part/unwanted? If he does the comforting, and DS just screams, does he feel like he can't do anything right? Who does the comforting during daytime?

Just to say, it does get better, time does pass and this is for you flowers

Wallsbangers Mon 08-Apr-19 10:26:10

We've had many a cross word in the small hours of the morning - last week's was "you try to settle him if you think you're so great". You're both sleep deprived, it's crap

I think you need to sit down when it's just you two and have a chat about what you need: kids out of the house for two hours on a Saturday so you can sleep, a lie in, DH trying to settle the baby with a dummy.

SummerInSun Mon 08-Apr-19 10:33:41

Personally, I wouldn't say anything about last night. You were both exhausted (albeit you much more) and no-one is at their best when woken up in the night. You want him to say that he was wrong and apologise, but if you go on about it you'll just have another fight, which won't help anyone, especially since you both have a point - you that you needed a break, him that the baby wasn't going to take well to being handed to him. He probably feels inadequate and a bit hurt that he can't settle the baby himself.

If you must talk about the situation at all, come up with a constructive plan. Do you want to go to bed super early tonight while he handles any baby-waking until he goes to bed so you can get some sleep in early? Do you want him to take the baby in the night for a period of time (how long?), explaining that you know the baby won't go to sleep for the your DH but you need time to pull yourself together? Are you willing to try any form of sleep training? Personally, I'd be saying something along the lines of "last night was a shocker, DS's teething is exhausting. We do t want a repeat of that. Tonight, how about we try...".

HavelockVetinari Mon 08-Apr-19 10:39:45

It's so hard with an awful sleeper flowers

Rather than thinking about this specific incident, can you have a think about what you'd like to happen going forwards so that DH can help out properly? I.e. do you want to sleep train? If not, can you agree a schedule where your DH takes over for a set portion of the night? That way your DS will learn that Daddy is on duty during x time and Mummy is around at y time. If you stick to this your DS will learn to settle for your DH, and you'll get at least a few precious hours of uninterrupted sleep.

butteryellow Mon 08-Apr-19 10:40:21

he does have a point which is at the moment if ds won’t settle with him and only with you, actually him even trying to help is going to exacerbate the situation with everyone wide awake and fractious

BUT.. I had a non-sleeper. Sometimes, DP would take him, and just walk him round the house wailing because I needed, like really, really, really needed a break. DP didn't need to be told this, he could see that I was at the end of my tether, that I couldn't settle DS either, and he stepped in.

So no, YANBU. Sometimes babies are inconsolable, and sometimes you need a break, and you need to tag each other in so you can keep your head above water.

SunshineCake Mon 08-Apr-19 10:46:27

He clearly needs to spend a lot more time with the baby since he's seven months old and your husband still hasn't learnt to settle him angry.
Where are you, Op? I've got three kids and used to work in childcare and happy to baby sit while you get sleep, or bring cake.

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