Is this reasonable or cheeky?

[Ivy44]

I’ve had an odd message from DSDs mother and I’m wondering if she’s being reasonable or a bit cheeky...

My partner and I have one child together and he also has a child from a previous relationship who stays with us a couple of nights a week. DSDs mother also has a 12 year old son who’s father lives abroad. My partner pays child maintenance and he also buys school shoes, uniform, sports equipment, pays for school trips.

DSDbis a lovely little girl who enjoys going shopping. At Christmas I took her shopping to choose an outfit as a gift - she chose a hoodie and jeans from Gap. For her birthday she chose some pink Adidas trainers. The only other thing I’ve bought her is some hair clips, as a thank you for helping me choose a birthday gift for my niece who is about the same age.

I received a message from her mother last night saying could I stop buying DSD expensive gifts and send the money to her instead. That way she can decide what the money is spent on and she can ensure that the older son also gets something as he feels left out. Is this reasonable or a bit cheeky? I don’t think she gets any maintenance for the older son as his Dad lives abroad.

[Chocolateisfab]

I would assume she was April fooling you. As you were op. . She is a cf imo.

[AuntieCJ]

I'd ignore it and carry on as you are. I somehow think the money would be taken from DSD.

Get your DP to tell her to get lost.

[GreenTulips]

She is being remarkable cheeky!

Tell her you will spend your own money as you please and it’s none of her business

[Sirzy]

Tell her very politely that anything you may buy is completely separate to the child maintenance side of things

[LaurieFairyCake]

I would email her as if she misunderstood and say "I've only allowed her to choose a Christmas gift from me, the other gift was just a cheap hair clip"

[GreatDuckCookery]

Was it directed at you and not her dad? Very odd of her. You’d think she’d be happy that you cared about her DD?

[le42]

Very cheeky of her.

You have done a nice thing and should continue. It's up to you what you get her for a birthday present and a thank you gift! It's not like you bought anything inappropriate!!

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I would just let DP deal with it by saying that his wife is allowed to buy gifts for his dd and it has no relation to maintenance payments.

[BlueMerchant]

She's very rude. She should be calling you to say thank you.

[Fundays12]

She is rude and should be thanking you for saving her money which she can then spend on her other child so he doesn’t feel left out.

[Singlenotsingle]

I'm a bit sorry for the son tbh, but it's not your responsibility. I'm sure the dsd gets pleasure from someone giving her a little gift occasionally. What happens on her birthday and Christmas - are you not supposed to give her presents then either?

[CalmdownJanet]

Wtf

"Hi x, I really only buy things when we go shopping together, they are extra treats, I can buy things to leave here instead if you rather but definitely not sending money for either child instead"

She has some neck!

[Ivy44]

I was a bit taken aback. The gifts aren’t excessive and are also quite practical.

Money is a bit of a contentious issue - she thinks my partner should pay maintenance for her elder son too.

[GreatDuckCookery]

Money is a bit of a contentious issue - she thinks my partner should pay maintenance for her elder son too

How so?

[smellygelly]

She sounds coo coo

[CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson]

Tell her you will spend your own money as you please and it’s none of her business

^That. No excuses, because they are not necessary. She's totally on another planet to expect you to pay anything towards her other child.

[smellygelly]

She sounds coo coo

[Peterpiperpickedwrong]

I’m sure it must break her heart that only one child gets gifts/money spent on her but her DS gets nothing BUT it isn’t your place to provide for DSD sibling.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

She sounds like a loon! Maintenance for her other child???

[Alsohuman]

She’s bonkers.

[Drum2018]

How often does your DSD stay with you? If it's fairly regularly (50:50) I'd be inclined to keep the clothes you buy for her at your house so her mother can't comment any more. She has an absolute cheek to think that you should send her money. Her son is none of your/Dh's concern.

[CoraPirbright]

She’s crazy!! As if you are going to send her money!!! And why on earth should your dh pay for her ds - she needs to pursue the father (although I am guessing its difficult if the bastard is abroad).

[Springwalk]

I second telling dp to tell her that what you buy for dsd is a matter for you both to decide, and reminding her that the eldest son is not your responsibility.
You would think she would be grateful to have more money to spend on eldest son, as you are providing much of what she would need to but otherwise.

She sounds a little jealous actually if your relationship with dsd, mo doubt dsd went home happy and excited. What kind of parent begrudges their child being treated well. Steer clear and leave it to dp.

[SosigDog]

I think the money would be taken from DSD so I’d continue buying gifts because at least then you know she’s getting them. You can’t be expected to support another sibling who’s no relation to your DH. Does she also expect you to have contact and sleepovers with the sibling?!

[Ivy44]

They weren’t in a long term relationship when she got pregnant with DSD, I think they’d been seeing each other for about 3 months. He moved in with her when they found out she was pregnant as he thought it was the right thing to do, it lasted about a year. When he moved out she told him that he would never see her elder son again but then applied for CMS for him, although her claim was rejected. I don’t know why she thinks he should pay for the elder son.

I do also feel sorry for the elder son, he has no contact with his father or his fathers family. DSD has quite generous paternal grandparents too and often goes back from a weekend there with more gifts. I have considered sending him a small gift at Christmas but I’ve never met him and DP doesn’t see him anymore.