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to look into changing DS name without his dad's permission?

(33 Posts)
organicmama Sun 31-Mar-19 21:07:26

My DS is 4 months old. I left my ex (his dad) because he was abusing my verbally. He was a bully, aggressive, angry, controlling and he doesn't currently have any contact with DS as I fled to a different city. SS have told me I'm doing the right thing considering his history. He did the same thing to his ex apparently. He's displayed some strange behaviours and I'm really quite scared of him.

When he was born, I raised the idea of giving him both our surnames. I was bullied out of it. He laughed at me. Told me I was being ridiculous and that there was 'no way my son is having 4 names'

I had a little cry and brushed it to one side. I didn't want him to get angry.

Is there any point in me approaching the court for a name change? Or to at least add my surname on to the end of his? The idea of having to contact my ex every time I go abroad for permission, having to explain the surname difference etc. I can't even bring myself to write it down because I hate my ex so much.

I'm such an idiot agreeing to it in the first place but I felt I had no choice and was in the midst of baby blues...

Bobbycat121 Sun 31-Mar-19 21:13:00

Im in a similar situation op, I hate hearing the name aswell, Ive even been referred to under exes surname because its my dds name. So ive been called Mrs exesname. They just assume we share the same name. I contacted a solicitor but was basically told that no court in the land would agree to it because children should have a connection with their father even if he is absent apparently hmm

organicmama Sun 31-Mar-19 21:14:42

@Bobbycat121 oh wow. That's awful. My ex wants contact but many agencies have said no way until it's been through court and is safe. I mentioned it to my solicitor briefly but legal aid hasn't kicked in yet so waiting for that. That gives me no hope sad

TheGirlWithGlassFeet Sun 31-Mar-19 21:25:34

I think it might be possible to change his name by contacting the registry office as he is under a year. I changed my daughters name when she was six months old. I just rang the registrar and told them I wanted to amend it. They sent me a simple form and I had to pay £54. They didn't contact DH for his consent and he didn't have to sign anything.

I would suggest you give your registry office a call and see what they say.

organicmama Sun 31-Mar-19 21:28:49

@TheGirlWithGlassFeet I've looked in to this and I know that if I do this he can take me to court to have it changed back and I could incur all court costs. Otherwise I would! Thank you though.

LordVoldetort Sun 31-Mar-19 21:33:10

I’m guessing he is on the birth certificate? If so I don’t think there is a way to change DS name without his permission.
If you are worried about going on holiday with your ds you could change your surname to match his (obviously isn’t ideal but the option is there if you wanted to)

For things like school (although you’re a long way off) you can give chosen names for your DS to go by (or you can in the schools near me)

organicmama Sun 31-Mar-19 21:34:36

Absolutely no way I would change my name to match my abusers! I hate that my son has it. I can't even write just down and have just been using my name. It's awful.

organicmama Sun 31-Mar-19 21:34:52

He is on the birth certificate yes.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon Sun 31-Mar-19 21:39:53

I changed DS's name under siimilar circumstances.

Cost about £80.

I told them I had no contact with DS's dad snd therefore couldn't ask permission. They were fine with that.

It sounds like your ex is unapproachable and aggressive, so you can't really ask him. I'd just do it.

organicmama Sun 31-Mar-19 21:43:22

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon he's definitely not approachable. I'm in the process of getting a non molestation order against him. I'm just on maternity leave and can't afford it. Waiting for SMP to kick in so I can get legal aid due to his abuse. I have almost 0 money as he never supported me so my accounts are drained.

Did you do it recently? I thought you had to go in front of a judge.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon Sun 31-Mar-19 21:46:42

Nah, you fill in a form online and pay.

No judge.

I had no questions. They just got on with it.

Can't remember how long it took though.

organicmama Sun 31-Mar-19 21:48:30

I'm just very weary that I should technically seek his permission and he can take me to court to have the name changed back. It's so hard because I can't afford a solicitor but want to do is ASAP whilst he is so young.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon Sun 31-Mar-19 21:48:32

Have a read.

organicmama Sun 31-Mar-19 21:49:19

That link takes me to a google search engine 🙈

TheLightSideOfTheMoon Sun 31-Mar-19 21:51:51


Just type in 'deed poll online'.

rosablue Sun 31-Mar-19 21:52:28

If SS are /have been involved and know how dreadful he has been plus are supporting you in light of his history, is there any way that they would be able to provide advice or facilitate this as a safety issue?

No idea if it’s possible. But you need to balance asking them with what happens if they say no way can you do that - I don’t know if anyone on here could advise?

SandyY2K Sun 31-Mar-19 21:54:36

he can take me to court to have the name changed back.

If you changed it, your Ex wouldn't know would he? As you're not in contact with him.

I'd stay well away from such a horrible man.

organicmama Sun 31-Mar-19 21:55:42

@SandyY2K sorry I should've been clearer. I'm not in contact with him because I am ignoring him as he is sending me abusive messages. He is likely to be taking me to court soon sadly. So he's not entirely absent.

Nearlythere1 Sun 31-Mar-19 22:00:41

OP, stop being wary about what he might do in the future with regards to court. Just change the damn thing and break the tie. People are giving you a legal solution, I don't understand what more you want. I don't mean to sound harsh but really that is how you change the name. That is the official process for it. There's a form. You have your answer.

RhiWrites Sun 31-Mar-19 22:00:58

I've looked in to this and I know that if I do this he can take me to court to have it changed back and I could incur all court costs. Otherwise I would!

Is the ex the kind of person likely to bring legal proceedings against you? It might be worth the risk.

RhiWrites Sun 31-Mar-19 22:01:55

Oh and I’m sure you could say to nursery he is YourSurname even if that’s not what’s on the birth certificate.

organicmama Sun 31-Mar-19 22:04:01

@Nearlythere1 I have no money. I'm just trying to be sensible as he could bring court proceedings and I could be landed with the entire cost. Knowing him, he would do this. When you have little money and a baby to look after you have to be wary. I can't help it I'm so nervous of him.

organicmama Sun 31-Mar-19 22:05:11

@RhiWrites he definitely is. Sadly. I was just wondering if there was a way to do it legally without his permission and if courts were likely to grant it due to his history.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 31-Mar-19 22:07:37

I think I would leave it for now. Refer to him at home by your name.

Wait and see what happens with court. He may drop it, he may just fade out once he realises that contact will mean responsibilities and work, not throwing his weight around with you. He may just get bored. Certainly if you don't respond at all. He may go ahead and get contact, fight for that to be in a contact centre, make it clear you won't ever be seeeing him. Again, he may drop it.

The chances are with a bloke like this that he won't be in your DS life in a couple of years time.

That's when you can change his name - at hte point at which you can honestly say that you have no contact and can't ask permission.

You'll get there!

whylie Sun 31-Mar-19 22:08:23

Yes you can change your DS name , a friend of mine came out of a DV relationship (no contact with ex) she done it through the solicitors at our local DV charity, I believe it costed her around £120? But I do know it is very possible, hope this helped thanks

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